I've been posting in the infidelity forum since DDay in September 2014 and I am hoping to gain some perspective on the SSM issues in my M. I believe that is a major factor that lead to my W's affair.
My W is moving out in a few days and I've been through the roller coaster of pursuit, then found DB and started to back off and GAL, theb I made 180s and my W has taken notice and has opened up to talking with me and confusing in me, although she has stood firm that she wants out of the M. Her reasons for leaving, as she says it, are to be independent, free, and not have to answer to someone. She says having the A gave her clarity and now she wants to have sex with more OMs to figure out what she likes/wants sexually.
She has gone off the deep end morally, has lied to me repeatedly, is not acting logically, has shut herself off to her father, close friends, and fights with her mom often. Her mother is trying to be available to her but doesn't agree with her choices.
The SSM issues in our R have changed roles, at one pint I was the HD spouse and she was the LD, primarily because she was afraid of getting pregnant earlier in our M. She also had some moral guilt of having sex in general, although she often said she knew she shouldn't feel guilty since we were now married. I basically gave into the reality as I saw it, that a SSM was my fate and lived with occasional sex. I certainly did a poor job communicating my sexual needs and expectations at that time, although I did try to communicate. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I have zero basis to communicate my sexual needs now without that looking like pleading/begging, but I know that will be extremely important if we reconcile or a must in any future relationships.
The SSM roles switched earlier this year, and I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back I believe her changing types of birth control started the change in her hormonally. She became more interested in movies/books with sex scenes, started to be more kinky with sex with me, and eventually had an affair with a coworker on an out of town project in September 2014.
Since we've been recovering from the aftermath of the affair over the past few months, she has told me she is lonely, wants to have sex, but hasn't approached me for sex. I did approach her early on before finding DB, but stopped pursuing her as I quickly learned it was pushing her away.
She has told me she knows what it would take to reconcile our M, which is a lot of hard work, and she says she is not willing to do that. She wants to start over with her life without me. Although she also says I'm amazing and the perfect husband, will make a great father someday, etc. Her family and friends all love me and most are disappointed that she is throwing her great life away for what they perceive as an empty, lonely life. She is a grad student and is 6 months away from graduation, but in her career field the jobs are few and far between and right now she has no serious job prospects.
I am seeking wisdom for saving my M. I believe that the SSM issues are at the core of what drew my W towards the OM, and the loneliness of not having sex for the past few months (as far as I am aware) and high of sex with strangers is why I think she primarily wants to move out.
...I am hoping to gain some perspective on the SSM issues in my M. I believe that is a major factor that lead to my W's affair.
My W is moving out in a few days and I've been through the roller coaster of pursuit, then found DB and started to back off and GAL, theb I made 180s and my W has taken notice and has opened up to talking with me and confusing in me, although she has stood firm that she wants out of the M.
...She has gone off the deep end morally, has lied to me repeatedly, is not acting logically, has shut herself off to her father, close friends, and fights with her mom often. Her mother is trying to be available to her but doesn't agree with her choices.
The SSM issues in our R have changed roles, at one pint I was the HD spouse and she was the LD, primarily because she was afraid of getting pregnant earlier in our M. She also had some moral guilt of having sex...
...I basically gave into the reality as I saw it, that a SSM was my fate and lived with occasional sex.
...Tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I have zero basis to communicate my sexual needs now without that looking like pleading/begging, but I know that will be extremely important if we reconcile or a must in any future relationships.
...Since we've been recovering from the aftermath of the affair over the past few months, she has told me she is lonely, wants to have sex, but hasn't approached me for sex. I did approach her early on before finding DB, but stopped pursuing her as I quickly learned it was pushing her away.
She has told me she knows what it would take to reconcile our M, which is a lot of hard work, and she says she is not willing to do that. She wants to start over with her life without me. Although she also says I'm amazing and the perfect husband, will make a great father someday, etc. Her family and friends all love me and most are disappointed that she is throwing her great life away for what they perceive as an empty, lonely life. She is a grad student and is 6 months away from graduation, but in her career field the jobs are few and far between and right now she has no serious job prospects.
I am seeking wisdom for saving my M. I believe that the SSM issues are at the core of what drew my W towards the OM, and the loneliness of not having sex for the past few months (as far as I am aware) and high of sex with strangers is why I think she primarily wants to move out.
Prayers are also much appreciated.
That is a lot for a single post. My heart goes out to you. You sound like you understand the basics, disengage, GAL, 180's, calm mature support from a distance.
YOu need to understand that you can not force her to love you. She needs to decide she needs you. You can help her see that, but as you say much else will seem like begging for sex, which will drive her away.
She might be very afraid of graduating to no job and feeling the pressure from her family to get pregnant and raise a family. That could be a big part of her wanting to run away from you. The affair could be her attempt to sabatoge her marriage so you will leave her. It has happened before.
If she has said she knows what it would take to reconcile, have you ever asked her what it is in her mind? Don't debate it with her, just listen and if pressed say you need to think about things before you answer.
Actually allowing her a little freedom could show her that the grass isn't greener as a wild crazy single. Statistics show that married people have far more sex than their single friends. She might learn that it [censored] to come home to a dark cold house each night and when something goes bump in the night that she has to deal with it along with a larger share of bills and chores.
DB takes time. You and your W share many things and were once attracted to each other. Work on your GAL so you are again attractive to her. Do some things on your own so that she gets worried you might find someone else. But above all become a mature emotional rock that she can cling to, if she is really afraid of what her future is.
You are in a marathon race to save your marriage. Sprinting will just exhaust you early and keep you from finishing.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
