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A Message from Michele
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Re: Card29 VII [Re: bravo61] #2516635
12/12/14 02:19 PM
12/12/14 02:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
M
Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Card29: It's good that you wrote this. Get it off your chest. Your feelings are real and a lot of us are going through the same thing. Divorce is rare in my family and I'm very loyal, so I never imagined being the-separated-one. I get it.

But it's also good that you wrote this because you'll look back at it in a few years and smile. It's a feeling that will be very short-lived. Every day, you'll get further away from that moment and into another one. Think of where you were 10 years ago, just before you got together with W. Now look ahead: there are 5 of these decades ahead of you. How many times will your life change? It will not be a lesser version of today; it will be a completely different life.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Card29 VII [Re: bravo61] #2516649
12/12/14 02:46 PM
12/12/14 02:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
I think my anxiety is worsened by the fact that most men in my family (especially on my dad's side) typically don't live past 60, even though none of them smoke. I have a 50% chance of having polycystic kidneys, and heart problems run in our family. My dad and uncle died two years ago in their mid-50's from natural causes. Grandpa died early. I've always been aware of this, never really fearful of it. But I always wanted to have my kids young so I could see as much of their life as possible. I was already anxious by not having my first until I was 27 (I wanted to when we were first married, but it took WAW 5 years after marriage to finally agree). But then we had a beautiful daughter, and I calmed down, thinking everything was going to work out like I dreamed. The peak of my dream was about 11 months ago...W still in love with me (or so I thought), pregnant with #2, us settling in as parents. Everything was beautiful, it was the happiest I've ever been. Miscarriage, separation, W dating around now, upcoming divorce, 1/2 of my daughter's childhood taken from me, so I have crashed from the happiest period of my life to by far the least happy. And I really don't know how to deal with this pain because I've never been unhappy for extended periods of time. Even when my dad died, I processed it quicker than normal because he had been in bad health for a decade. He lived years longer than any doctor thought he would. So when he died, I had already pre-processed a lot of it. I'd already been through all five stages of grief beforehand. Of course I had to go back through them again when it became apparent that it was time, but it was much quicker than if someone suddenly lost their parent at that age. I was in pain for maybe a month, although of course I still miss him from time to time.

But obviously my plan was not God's plan, and I should be happy with what I have, not unhappy with what I don't get. I know that in my brain, I just can't feel it yet. And I am absolutely starved for real connection with people now. I haven't had a really close friend in a few years. WAW was my only real companion. I'm not craving a romantic relationship, I'm craving real friendship and community. I love my mom and sisters, but my mom is primarily focused on D2, my middle sister (who also still lives at home) depresses me (she is very judgmental, isolated, judgmental, no close friends anymore that I know of, has never dated even though she's pretty), and my youngest sister (who is awesome) is currently living on the other side of the country.

Another bit of anxiety I have with living with my mom is the fact that I will be even less of a dad for D2. I feel like I've already been halved once with WAW moving out, now I've realized that moving in with D2's very involved grandma will mean I'm never ever alone with her, especially during the winter when it's harder to take her outside. That is temporary, of course, and will be over when I move out on my own. Just another thing causing me grief right now.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: SunnyB] #2516757
12/12/14 07:54 PM
12/12/14 07:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
H
HeavyD Offline
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HeavyD  Offline
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H
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
Dear Card

My heart broke reading your post. It really did and partly because I am in the same boat. My whole life's dream has been to be married (to my soul mate) and have children. I thought that was what I was doing too. Again, same situation 2x4 upside my head and now I am dealing with a WAW who claims to have been so desperately unhappy for years and is having an affair. I still don't know what happened but have to deal with the nightmare.

It's a terribly bitter pill, and yes, I have thought it would be easier, way easier to just check out. There would at least be an end to the pain and rejection, right? The truth is we have to own this terrible time in our life, and go through the pain. Why? Because we have kids who need us. We have screwed up partners who have made really bad choices which make us all suffer but still we have to be there for our kids.

I really do believe that God has a plan for each of us and even if we can't see it now, we have to keep the faith and believe that are best days are ahead of us, not behind us.

You are not a failure, just one part of your life is not working out as you planned, try to focus on other parts that are working. I am sure you are a great Dad and you want that to continue. Make your half of your daughters time the best part of her life!

Hold on and I will be virtually holding your hand.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Re: Card29 VII [Re: HeavyD] #2516760
12/12/14 08:03 PM
12/12/14 08:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
H
HeavyD Offline
Member
HeavyD  Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
Would you like to share your email and we can keep each other supported off line?


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Re: Card29 VII [Re: SunnyB] #2516761
12/12/14 08:11 PM
12/12/14 08:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Z
zed Offline
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zed  Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 151
Card- I don't know if this will provide you some solace. But there are so many here who feel the exactly same way. Myself included. IC is a good idea. It has helped greatly. Just for her to say that your line of thinking is not wrong and it is okay to feel that way. Keep going. Things have to get better. They can't get any worse right?


M:35 W 31
D's:6, 4 & 2
T:9 M:7
ILYBNILWY- Mar/14
DP Served Dec.17/14

Re: Card29 VII [Re: zed] #2516819
12/12/14 10:48 PM
12/12/14 10:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,324
U
uRworthy Offline
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uRworthy  Offline
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U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,324
Card, thought I'd stop by as we have a common friend in SS.

First of all, I am so sorry for your pain. I know it hurts deeply.

I always say you feel how you do. There is no right or wrong feeling.

So, take some time to digest all of this. Get it out. Cry, scream, pray...if you are so inclined.

Just a couple of things, though. Be sure to only own your stuff. There are two people in a marriage. She didnt have to make the choice she did.

You did the best you could in the marriage with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.

It was important that I knew whatever I did or didnt do
was never with the intent to cause harm to my h or my marriage. That mattered to me.

I saw what you wrote about happiness. Without getting into it too much, I just want to say this. Happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. The trick is to find joy in life. If we are looking to someone else to provide happiness for us, what a terrible burden that is to put on them.

But if we find joy within us, everything else is a bonus. We want someone to share the joy with and enhance our lives.

I know that you feel that your dream has been shattered. I get that. The thing about life is that it rarely goes as we think it will. It will be different that what you hoped. But different doesnt have to mean bad.

So, try not to get ahead of yourself here. The first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself. That is really important. Then forgive her.

That gets you to acceptance. Thats where you need to be. Doesnt mean you have to like it, but, you do need to learn to accept what is in this moment

You know, C, I believe there is always hope until we decide there isnt.

Having hope doesnt mean that you stop living your life. It doesnt mean that you are waiting for it to change. It just means that you are not ready to completely shut the door on the possibilities.

You may get to that place one day. You arent there now.

You dont have to decide anything today.

This is going to hurt. There isnt anyway around that. But you will not always feel the way you do right now.

I see a lot of strength in you, Card.

Take this one day at a time. One moment if you need to.

No one knows what the future holds. Except that it holds you.

You will be ok. I know you know that.

Try really hard not to go back to places you have already worked through, ya know?

I get that trying to understand the whys and hows make you think that you will feel better knowing them. The truth is that you wont really ever know because they are her feelings and thoughts.

All of this is hard and it's heartbreaking. But it is also so powerful.

When we begin to understand that we have control over our part of the journey - whether we quit or not, whether we grow or not, whether we accept or not, man, what power we have. What an opportunity we have, what great lessons we can learn.

When it gets really tough, take some time, back away, regroup, find some peace in whatever way you can at that moment.

When you are ready, get back on your path. Dig deep, find your footing, stand strong.

You have power in all this.

You have choices you can make. You can choose how to behave, what to feel, how to love.

I will tell you this. No matter what happens, you will not regret that you stood if you do the work.

You will not regret that you were someone who loved so much you were willing to let her go.

When you look back at this time, you will see that you acted with dignity and courage and strength. That matters, C.

Remember to be kind to yourself and to believe that this was a journey you were meant to go on.

You will get through this.

Re: Card29 VII [Re: uRworthy] #2516830
12/13/14 12:01 AM
12/13/14 12:01 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline
Member
T384  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Card -

I just wanted to stop by and empathize with what you're feeling and going through. I was there not too long ago. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Pick yourself up and go do something for you. As much as you don't want to you have to keep yourself out of the dark place that your mind wants to take you to.

We're all here for you


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Card29 VII [Re: T384] #2517017
12/13/14 07:05 PM
12/13/14 07:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
It means a lot for you guys to spend the time leaving me good words. I know things will get better. I know that in my brain but I don't believe it right now


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2517072
12/14/14 01:14 AM
12/14/14 01:14 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,324
U
uRworthy Offline
Member
uRworthy  Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,324
Hey Card. Perfectly understand to feel as you do. Take your time in working through this.

But know this...I have been around here a long time and I know that you will be ok. I have not one doubt.

This really isnt new information, right? She wanted a divorce. So, your path is the same.

Your daughter needs her daddy. She needs him to be her rock, her touchstone because her mommy is kinda lost right now.

You will get through this. Your life may be different, but, you get to make it yours.

Re: Card29 VII [Re: uRworthy] #2517324
12/15/14 03:37 AM
12/15/14 03:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
C
Card29 Offline OP
Member
Card29  Offline OP
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 898
Long post but some really important convos between WAW and me today.

Well today was interesting and exhausting. Today was my big move day, moving of the big stuff out of the house. I had a few friends helping throughout the day, but WAW was there the whole time. She offered to help. I debated on accepting it, but a lot of the stuff she is keeping, so we needed to move it to her apt anyway. Yeah, I know, don't help them move. But we already had the uhaul, most of the move was mine, and I just felt "what do I have to lose at this point?"

It was a little awkward at first. Then she found out that a specific girl, let's call her Rachel, from work (along with 2 or 3 guys) were coming to help. I had told WAW stories about rachel for the last couple of years. Like how all of the guys think she's hot and act like teenagers after she leaves the room. To be honest I was never involved with those convos at work. But WAW would always give me a seemingly joking glare anytime Rachel's name would come up. She is the HR admin, so she would always mail out stuff about health insurance, company social events, etc. When WAW would open mail with Rachel's name on the letter inside; she'd joke that my "GF" was writing to me (yeah, those hot 401k letters...). When she found out she was coming today (along with her BF!), she was legitimately jealous and bothered by it. For one, I always thought we were both joking about the Rachel stuff. Secondly...wth??? You just told me you want a divorce and you're encouraging me to date. I flat out told her I was really surprised she cared. So that was the first slightly interesting thing.

throughout the day we had R talks. They were mutually initiated. I asked her what she really wants in life, she said she didn't know. I asked her if she wanted a family, she said yes, but that she wasn't dying to have more kids or anything. I told her about a change of heart I've had relating to a sermon from church a few years ago. The pastor said we should always value our R with our spouse over R's with our children. I never told W, but I disagreed with that. Since BD I've realized how wrong I was. I neglected my M and that is seemingly going to really hurt my D2 in turn (not to mention complete destruction of M). I told WAW about all of that today in the context of the convo.

She also said she wanted to start going to church together again, but in the context of post M. She said it was important for D2 that we do things like together (again, after M). I expressed confusion. She said it was important to do things together as a family. I told her I agreed that being together as a family is a really important, that that's all I want, but didn't go as far as agreeing to post-M normally family activities. I didn't bring it up, but what the heck...if she starts dating someone, what, he's going to sit with us at church too? I really think this is the foggiest area of her mind right now...her biggest fear in all of this is for a nasty post-M relationship between us like her parents had. I've expressed before that I don't want to be friends if we get a D (not that I want to be enemies instead). I don't know why she's so concerned about family activities if she doesn't want to give a try at all towards keeping the actual family together. I did not mention that thought to her.

Later, after we were finished with the portion of the move that required help, WAW and I were riding back to the house to move some smaller things. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything else. She said no, but a moment later she asked if there was something specifc I wanted to talk about. There was. I confessed the porn addiction I had for our entire M. She knew about my problems in the early years, but she thought Id stopped. I lied to her for years. She was really hurt by that news. It kind of surprised me how much it affected her. I told her I thought what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but since BD I've learned exactly how much damage porn can do to an M, especially the intimacy of an M. She said it explained a lot. I told her her that I am in the healthiest sexual place of my life, no porn in the longest time since I first saw it as a teenager. I told her its one of the main reasons why I am so hopeful that things would be different between us. She didn't openly shoot it down. I validated her hurt feelings throughout the rest of the day. We had lots of laughs, we ended up really needing more help but had to do everything ourselves. at the end of the day we were completely exhausted. A couple hours after I last saw her, I texted her to ask how she was feeling (since her back had been sore, etc). She said she was hurting. I asked "about porn?" and she said yes. She said she wished id told her a long time ago, that we could have worked through that (I didn't mention that Id told her many times back in the day, that she reacted with judgment and shaming, which helped lead to my decision to just hide it from her). I validated, expressed deep regret again. She then asked if Id ever had an affair. I told her no, that the only "relationship" I ever had was the very light EA (a couple of flirty comments) last summer which she already knew about. She basically said she didn't know if she believed me and didn't think I'd tell her if I had, then told me good night. I validated her having doubts since I had confessed to such deep, long term lies today. That was the end of the convo.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
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