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A Message from Michele
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Card29 VII #2512622
12/01/14 10:34 PM
12/01/14 10:34 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
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New thread.

Originally Posted By: Ss06
Card, I needyo find a way to inform my H of this, too. He thinks I only want to stay together for D. It's hard to convey wanting him without it being seen as pursuing. Any ideas on that??

What a challenge!!


I'm trying to think how. I don't expect there to be a perfect time that arises naturally. If I do bring it up on my own, I want to make sure I ask her if she's willing to have a brief R talk, and also not to try to get a response from her. Just make a brief statement (after she's agreed to listen) that doesn't ask her for anything, and let it go.

I do feel like that breaks DB rules. I don't see how it's possible to say something like that without pursuing, because it is the very essence of pursuit (telling them you love them, to an extent).

I'm feeling the urge to speak out because silence has led to misunderstandings before. She thought I was dating and would be cool with her pursuing dates (no I haven't said a word to her about that in a few weeks). More open communication would be a 180 for both of us (compared to pre-BD) as I didn't know she was headed for S, and she didn't know I loved her...yet I can't practice this 180 on her because it violates DBing.


I just found out a weird bit of news from WAW. She's not going to visit her family in TN during Christmas. This will be the first time since I've known her that she hasn't went down there. Whom I would consider to be her best friend, her cousin, is down there, too. I've sensed a disconnect between them lately as her cousin has texted me and told me that WAW hasn't been very responsive to her texts. I don't know if anything is going on there or not. It sound like she won't even see her mom and sister for Christmas this year. Who knows...


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2512632
12/01/14 11:08 PM
12/01/14 11:08 PM
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Whoops, I thought my other thread was locked. Turns out I was just logged out. Oh well, I'll move on to this one


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2512633
12/01/14 11:15 PM
12/01/14 11:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
New England
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Little Offline
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DB is doing what works. If it works, do it. But monitor. If it's clear you're perusing too much and it's pushing your spouse away, stop.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Little] #2512661
12/02/14 01:52 AM
12/02/14 01:52 AM
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I'm going to wait at least a couple of weeks to consider this. Right now she is very stressed about the end of her semester. I'd like to see her eating and feeling a little better


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Card29] #2512668
12/02/14 02:17 AM
12/02/14 02:17 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Los Angeles. CA
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Ss06 Offline
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Card, it's not unusual for the WAS to isolate themselves from people they believe won't support their new ways, thoughts, direction, you know? Plus, there's a but of shame, too. Pulling away from all that is easier to them than explaining their perspective because the WAS knows there are holes in their rationality.

Little is right, do what works but in my case, pursing at all does NOT work. It pushes H away and makes me feel less strong and more reliant. I don't want any of that!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Ss06] #2512704
12/02/14 03:38 AM
12/02/14 03:38 AM
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Card,

I ordered the book as well, I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts. I peeked at their forum, and honestly, it all felt doom and gloom. I have enough of that going on internally, so I decided to stick here instead.

I agree with Little, try what works. Document. Change what doesn't.

Also, I'm not up to date on your stitch (I plan on catching up) but I empathize completely with wanting for the spouse to be in a better place. Especially taking care of themselves.

hang in there.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Ss06] #2512705
12/02/14 03:41 AM
12/02/14 03:41 AM
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SS-

Wonder if that's what H is doing. Holed up in his hotel room. He's talking to his parents who, of course, are supporting everything with rainbows and butterflies and money. He talks to his IC. He argues with me. I wonder, even though he's a private person, if he's hiding out because he's afraid others might be "wtf are you doing?"

Hmmmmm.

Sorry to thread jack Card!


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Calibri] #2512711
12/02/14 03:59 AM
12/02/14 03:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Los Angeles. CA
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Calibri, I can almost guarantee that's what your H is doing. The WAS is so lost and in genuine pain. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't admit to that though. So many feel like they finally have a true direction in their life but if they really paid attention they'd see how lost they feel and how confused they are.

Admitting that requires vulnerability but the WAS doesn't want to be vulnerable because it implies weakness. They speak firmly, act with definitive purpose and generally act as if this is what they've always wanted and that they are finally free to be their true selves.

Some don't do the work and suggesting they do it only keeps them from the real work (super hard for people like you and me). The hope is that they find their true path and in my experience that comes with space... Even from their parents and/or siblings and best friends.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Ss06] #2512714
12/02/14 04:24 AM
12/02/14 04:24 AM
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I have missed some of your sitch, but not once have I head anyone saying telling a WAS they wanted to make things work was a positive step.

-it is pursuing and drives them away
-it allows them to keep you as a plan B and avoid some of the consequences of their actions
-it can make you look weak/needy/unattractive to chase
-if there is a debate about whether or not R is possible, if you take the side of "it is" you force her to take the side of "it isn't".
-she knows she still has you and can keep punishing you for the pain you've caused her

Bottom line, if a WAS wants the M to work they will let you know. No M failed to be saved because the LBS didn't pursue.

Not only wouldn't I bring it up, I'd recommend mentally preparing some responses for if she temperature checks you. HINT: if she starts to talk about chances of R, she isn't ready to recommit. She is testing to see if she still has you. Don't let her know you are standing by the M.

This is what I've read here for 6 months with 100% consistency. Good luck!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Re: Card29 VII [Re: Zues126] #2512733
12/02/14 06:45 AM
12/02/14 06:45 AM
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Calibri, I never mind someone talking about their sitch on my threads! I didn't get a chance to start the book tonight (it's 1:40 am and I just finished dishes and laundry...it's been a crazy day). From what I've learned before, though, the majority of the fight is within the depressed person.

Zues and Ss, I know you're probably right. Sometimes I need to lob a bad idea out to you guys, even though at my heart I know it's a bad idea, because I don't truly believe it's bad until I hear other perspectives on it. Pursuit hasn't worked in the past for me, no reason to believe it will in the future. And as much as I tried to find a way around it, this idea is 100% pursuit.


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
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