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A Message from Michele
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Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: Maybell] #2514504
12/06/14 02:53 PM
12/06/14 02:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
H
HPoirot Offline
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HPoirot  Offline
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Posts: 841
Congratulations on you new opportunity Raliced. Good luck!


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: Maybell] #2514606
12/06/14 10:09 PM
12/06/14 10:09 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Northern California
I don't know what this post is - vent or just musing.

Right now I'm tyring really hard at working towards getting to a place of forgiveness with STBX. I know this is critical for my kids. But one of the things I struggle with is that I don't trust that he is really doing things with the kids in mind.

He is a deputy sheriff and works 4 days on, 3 days off. He has to rebid for a schedule every 90 days and cannot work the same shift for more than 6 months. When he left, we discussed that it would be beneficial for him to try and have Mondays off, since D6 always has minimum days and this would let them spend a little quality one on one time together (weekends off are not a possibility for him right now). With his current schedule he had to ask D3s preschool to change her schedule.

Earlier in the week he was complaining that "with his luck" he wouldn't get Mondays off anymore. I have to say I immediately felt like he was just trying to smooth the way because he didn't actually want Mondays off. Then today he informed me that he would have Wednesdays Thursdays and Fridas off (day shift) and to gt Mondays off he would have to work graveyard (which he's always claimed to like doing before).

I know even speculating as to his motives is massive mind reading. It just feels like this is a schedule that is more convenient for him and OW (they would both work days). I have to get past this place of suspicion and jut deal with what is. I keep feeling that despite his protests he really doesn't want to inconvenience himself at all for his kids sake. And I hate that.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: raliced] #2514645
12/06/14 11:54 PM
12/06/14 11:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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Ahoy Offline
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Ahoy  Offline
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Posts: 708
raliced, you're right -- no point on dwelling on what you can't change. If your H chooses to put his needs over those of the kids, there is little you can do. Focusing on the issue and analyzing it won't change the situation, as you know. Just let it go and keep being the awesome mom that you are. Know that you are putting your kids' needs first, no matter what. Good luck with the job opportunity!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: raliced] #2514803
12/07/14 03:57 PM
12/07/14 03:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: raliced
I don't know what this post is - vent or just musing.

Right now I'm tyring really hard at working towards getting to a place of forgiveness with STBX. I know this is critical for my kids. But one of the things I struggle with is that I don't trust that he is really doing things with the kids in mind.

He is a deputy sheriff and works 4 days on, 3 days off. He has to rebid for a schedule every 90 days and cannot work the same shift for more than 6 months. When he left, we discussed that it would be beneficial for him to try and have Mondays off, since D6 always has minimum days and this would let them spend a little quality one on one time together (weekends off are not a possibility for him right now). With his current schedule he had to ask D3s preschool to change her schedule.

Earlier in the week he was complaining that "with his luck" he wouldn't get Mondays off anymore. I have to say I immediately felt like he was just trying to smooth the way because he didn't actually want Mondays off. Then today he informed me that he would have Wednesdays Thursdays and Fridas off (day shift) and to gt Mondays off he would have to work graveyard (which he's always claimed to like doing before).

I know even speculating as to his motives is massive mind reading. It just feels like this is a schedule that is more convenient for him and OW (they would both work days). I have to get past this place of suspicion and jut deal with what is. I keep feeling that despite his protests he really doesn't want to inconvenience himself at all for his kids sake. And I hate that.


But whaddayagonnado? Get yourself worked up about something that may not be true or choose to take care of yourself and let it go?

I think I know what you've chosen. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: Ahoy] #2514804
12/07/14 03:59 PM
12/07/14 03:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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Northern California
You're right Ahoy, and it helps to hear someone else articulate what is already swirling around in my head.

I think I need to split this stuff into things that could actually have a bad effect on the kids (his asking them to keep secrets from me) and address those in co-parent counseling, and then just let myself feel irritated about the other things and then get in the habit of shrugging them off after about 15 minutes.

Hopefully we can eventually get to a place where we can communicate about these things openly and effectively, but I think that is a long ways off.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: raliced] #2514805
12/07/14 04:00 PM
12/07/14 04:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Northern California
Labug - we cross posted! Thanks for the another vote for doing the right thing!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: raliced] #2515164
12/08/14 07:05 PM
12/08/14 07:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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Posts: 955
Northern California
So we had the first misunderstanding about the girls schedule this morning. I thought he was going to pick them up in the morning, he thought in the afternoon. No big deal, although I was a little late to work. During the drive in though, I did have a moment of "I still can't believe this is happening and I now live in a world where these kinds of situations with my STBX will happen."

Also - during the weekend I took the kids to see a movie that was excruciatingly boring and while watching it my mind drifted to "My husband actually left me for another woman - my life is now a soap opera plot point". And of course, I know that's ridiculous, the sum of my life right now is much richer than these things.

Apparently, I'm still absorbing some changes.

Last edited by raliced; 12/08/14 07:05 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: raliced] #2515541
12/09/14 05:35 PM
12/09/14 05:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
I had a moment this morning where I was looking at my Christmas tree and feeling a little blue that life has changed so much since last year (STBX has kids and I am always a little more prone to blue moments when I don't have them).

So to pull myself out of that funk, I thought about a the little things I love about the Christmas season and really there are very few of them that are impacted by STBX's absence.

This is just a partial list of the "little" things (obviously there are spiritual implications to Christmas that are much larger and fulfilling)

Sparkling lights on neighbor’s houses and downtown

I get to pull out the tablecloth from my childhood that I love, that my mom embroidered with angels

Sweet, sweet egg nog

Watching my kids perform in the Nativity play (D6 is Mary this year)

The fact that people sing more in church this time of year because they are more comfortable with the songs. It’s more fun when everyone sings.

My kids delight when I put the Rudolph nose and antlers on my car

I can wear velvet and not look out of place

The chatty Christmas cards I get from my elderly Aunts (because I’m the only niece that sends them a card) in which they detail all their ailments

Linzer Torte

The sight of my daughters in their Christmas dresses

D6 has lost her two front teeth just in time for Christmas this year. Adorable!

What can I say; I love the Christmas movies and specials. Bring on “It’s a Wonderful Life, “Elf”, “A Christmas Story”, “Rudolph”, “Frosty” etc.

Having my daughters “help” me wrap presents

Having my daughters “help” me bake in matching aprons

My work has a charitable foundation attached to it that collects presents for disadvantaged kids in the community and I love shopping for these.

Christmas cactus

Candles everywhere

Christmas carolers out and about

Last edited by raliced; 12/09/14 05:36 PM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: raliced] #2515596
12/09/14 07:59 PM
12/09/14 07:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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Ahoy Offline
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Posts: 708
Good to remember the positives, raliced! Keep up the good work keeping the blues away. Hugs to you.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Re: Raliced - Quattro [Re: Ahoy] #2515744
12/10/14 03:38 AM
12/10/14 03:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
Today was my birthday - had a low key day topped off with a nice family dinner with my daughters and parents.

I did not expect STBX to acknowledge the day. However, it was his birthday 3 weeks ago and I helped the kids acknowledge it with a card and special family photo albums they put together (no pictures of me of course - just him and the kids). I confess to hoping he would make a similar gesture (in regards to helping the kids) but no dice. Thats what I get for having an expectation. Its actually helpful in reinforcing that no expectations is really the way to go right now.

Last edited by raliced; 12/10/14 03:42 AM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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