Yeah, it's tough. Most of the stuff I say here is just on the board. Doesn't get back to her, but I guess if I'm frustrated I still feel that way regardless if she knows.
Got a reaponse today. She gave me her plans on moving. That's good. Only issue with the whole thing is after SIL separated everthing she wants a 'credit' of not dividing our stock account. Says I got the more expensive stuff (i didn't ask for anything really, I just agreed with what she wanted to take) If I say nothing on that it will work out in the end, I guess. Just another thing to note after agreeing with her that the value of the stuff didn't matter, than this.
Well, better PMA today. I've got the kids back, a fire in the fireplace and dinner in the oven. We're all sitting on the couch just chilling. Call that a win.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks for the idea of the gift for SIL. She texted me a thank you this morning and I said no problem, she didn't have to do what she did. She then texted me again that she was pretty upset with W that she had her do that when she thought she was coming down (they live far away) to hang out with W. SIL said she had "some words" with W on that and it wasn't fair to her or her son. All I replied back was "I know, not much of this makes sense at all."
Man, I hope W gets out of her fog. In a weird way, it's comforting that other folks see how different W is from the person we all know.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Well, its good that I've read through others sitch's and sandi2 posts. My WAS is progressing through the stages to a tee. I can tell she's at the point that the fantasy of what she is doing is starting to break down and the ability to focus the cause of the anger at the LBS is starting to diminish. I think she's starting to come out of the fog maybe and the anger about the sitch in general is taking hold.
So at counseling (mediation,) she was livid today about agreement about our stuff that SIL made. I said that this was her decision to send SIL. I offered multiple times to sit with W, W and someone else together or someone in place of W. She said yeah, but SIL didn't choose what W wanted her to. I tried to validate, but said this was the approach she wanted. We could start again, if she really wanted to.
At one point, she got really angry and snapped "This isn't fair" I replied "Nothing about this situation is fair." She then changed from angry to more reserved and said "Your right, there's not much fair going through this"
I said that we can try to improve our communication in order to work these things better. She said she wasn't ready to communicate with me directly. I said that's fine, but we also don't need to finalize this stuff (property/money) separation now. I said we can slow down, we're not getting D tomorrow. Our S is working out from a daily activity perspective right now and we can wait to work some of these things out prior to D. I then said "You made it clear that you wanted us to be S and I'm listening to you. I'm moving on, you made a decision and I'm trying to honor it."
Anyway, it was another weird session that she came in really angry and then changed her mood when she saw that I was still calm and collected. It really seems like she's struggling with this. I just need to make sure that I don't get too business and the path home would be too hard for her. ___________________
Vanilla,
As far as a 'credit,' she had sent me an email saying that since I chose the more expensive stuff in the house, that she wanted to not split our modest stock account equally.
Last edited by MCS; 12/16/1411:35 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Went back and read my interactions with W from last week. She was definitely in the same place that she's in this week, but even more pronounced. ANGER
I saw the same reaction when I appeared calm, she kept increasing the rhetoric until she hit a point and then backed down. After that, we had somewhat of an interactive conversation. I guess it will be like this for a while.
Also, she did say at one point today "The kids keep begging me to come back home, but there's no way I can see that happening" Probably not the best response, but its actually progress that she's acknowledging that they are struggling.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS Do nothing more. Keep the stock account intact as it is, there are compromises you can make for S and his education perhaps. In the future, there is no hurry.
The ball is no longer in your court. You handled the interaction very well indeed, let her keep on with the cheese less tunnel until she finally tires of it. And she will, eventually. No volunteering or being generous will help. You have set your boundary, this was the way she chose, you agreed. W hasn't had the result she wanted, you offered to modify, she flaked. Now wait, keep quiet, repeat the boundary if needed but don't offer anything further.
Keep on becoming only a man a fool would leave. You need time and you have it
This can turn overnight see Rzr thread. Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, Yeah you are right I think I'm pretty comfortable with the situation right now because it's following the script that other people say on here. I think right now I just need to make sure that we are at the point that her and I Do not do anything too rash decisions anymore. think that she understands that if we rush this and do it without communicating that we are both going to be very upset. I guess that's all I can hope for right now and just let it go.
I also feel a lot better about myself right now and where I am in the situation. In saying that I still need to go back and look and figure out what you asked me on how I can let go of judgment of other folks. I didn't forget about that, still been thinking a lot about it.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I hadn't forgotten the judgement question either, so was planning to ask you if being on this site had changed anything at some stage.
By involving ourselves with those who are different to us, ages, sexes, sitches, backgrounds and knowing that they give us help, understanding, support, 2x4, we expose ourselves to love. This site is overflowing with love and connection, despite the pain there is growth and love. The real non judgmental stuff. There will never be judgement when there is a connection to love. I believe in the stuff, boodles and boodles of it, there is no shortage, it pours from every thread. Love isn't a cake with a limited number of slices, there is more than enough to go round and more coming.
One of the writers that I often offer to beginners at Gamanon is Mike George, he is about spiritual development and writes about Love Actually. If I were to offer you any book then it would be that one. The practice of active love is contained within and the letting go of judgement and attachment. This is not any kind of book on M or D but on spiritual growth and is beautifully written. Sadly there is as yet no Ted talk on his work.
I will leave you MCS to keep mulling on this.
Your fellow traveller
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/1406:22 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
W came over today to go through her things prior to move tomorrow. I was cordial, talked a little to her friends and helped them a little. She's getting a crew to move the stuff out tomorrow. W definitely was quiet through all of it, didn't say too much at all. I know why she didn't want to do this, I think it's next chapter of reality hitting her. Her overall attitude was pretty miserable from what I saw, interacting with friends only to provide them directions.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
