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#2512326 11/30/14 08:34 PM
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mahhhty Offline OP
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I'm new to the forum and as a newcomer here is my story.

I married my soulmate. Our "courtship" was filled with fireworks, happiness, experiences, trips and fun. For the first 12 months of us dating, she scrapbooked each get together with at least one sentence, bound it with pictures and gave it to me as a present. This was our life. I never second guessed that I married the right person and I never wanted anything else.

I graduated from college in MA and moved to CT for work. A year later, she graduated and joined me in CT. I planned an elaborate proposal full of family, friends and experiences to which she said yes. Two years later, she was pregnant, we were moving back home to NH, building a house there, and both of our companies were allowing us to work from home. At the same time, she was diagnosed with a very rare kidney disorder (that her father, aunt & uncle have which requires a transplant later in life). Because of the disorder she was a high risk pregnancy. Two years later we added a second child. He came into the world with a bang, & almost killed my wife. He followed that up with a 19 day stint in the NICU.

As parents we continually put our children first, second, third and fourth. We didn't have a date night with each other until 18 months after each kid was born. Quality time, sex, shared experiences and resolution from communication was all on the decline. On the incline, was stress and careers. I traveled for 96 days between July 2013 & Jan 2014. Which she was very supportive at the time. However, each time I came home things seemed further disconnected. She was also traveling for work. Further complicating our life.

In Jan 2014, I approached her noticing that things were different and not in a good way. She identified to me that “she wasn’t happy.” She told me she wanted to discuss things with her Dad (her rock and a good listener). I tried to be supportive not fully understanding what was going on and carved out time so they could go snowboarding together. Time went by. I found out this fall that she didn’t talk with her Father until June. After more time, what I thought was her thing was definitely our thing. In Aug/Sept, she started to explain things to me. Her premises were/are:

1 - I love you, but I’m not in love with you
2 - I’m not happy
3 - People don’t change
4 - Relationships aren’t work

These premises don’t promote healthy relationships. Furthermore, she believed over a year and a half earlier, that I had an affair on business travel. It was at this point that I figured out things needed to change, but she wanted nothing to do with therapy of any kind. So, I started working on me… I went to a therapist, and also picked up DB book to improve my immediate chances of repairing my marriage. Half way through the book, I also scheduled mentoring with a DB coach. My journey and emotions have run the entire spectrum. As a person willing to make so many changes and conduct interpersonal discovery, I am angry that I never got an ultimatum or was never propositioned by her for change. On November 2nd she moved out, we are working through lawyer mediation now.

She is a private person, who doesn’t like confrontation, and is slightly stubborn. By the time I joined the conversation the seed was planted and her resolution was to remove me from the equation, & therefore, she will be happy. Similar to a WAW.

Thanks to her, I have learned more about myself (what I need/want from a relationship, my relationship viewpoints, my insecurities) in the past 3 months than I have in the last 5 years. I am re-evaluating my life, creating new goals and priorities. Investing time on re-identifying myself with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am hurt to more core, I miss her, I love her and I am very upset/disappointed. However, it is my job to make sure that this isn’t the defining moment of my life. I have two wonderful children who need a caring, strong, supportive father. I am the only father they will ever have. It is my job to be that person.

Two ideas that are constantly on my mind:
1 - We did not choose poorly. We choose not to change as our relationship did.
2 - I can’t control her or the things she says and does.

Some days I am ready to take on the world and other days I don’t even want to look in the mirror. That is a part of grieving unfortunately. Also, it is part of detaching (I’m definitely within the last resort technique at this point).

This is an 873 word glimpse into my New England DB Story.

Last edited by Cristy; 12/02/14 05:20 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mentione other books or authors

Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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mahhhty,

So sorry you are here, but I understand where you're coming from.

The post from Cadet is their standard post, and it is 100% right.

The bad news. You can't do or say anything that will "convince" your W to stay with you if she doesn't. Most of the posters on this forum are here because we want our spouses back, but only for the right reason, and that is because he/she WANTS to be with us. This question can only be answered by them, and in their own time. You will have to call on reserves of patience you didn't know you had, if you want your M to have the best chance of survival.

The good news (this list is longer)

Your mindset is excellent. You have come a long way in your sitch. I think you're on the right track.

You will grow as a person in ways you haven't even thought of yet. People don't grow through happiness and contentment, unfortunately, they grow through hardship. I liken my sitch to basic training to prepare for the remainder of my life. Your pain is real, but use it to your advantage. Don't waste your pain.

You have come to the right place! Listen to the vets on this board (not me, I'm a noob). Their wisdom has been invaluable to me. This forum has become my warm safe place where I come to vent, to ask questions, and get support. I also just use it as a space to journal. That is fantastic therapy.

My advice:

Continue to post on here. It's been a godsend to me. As Cadet mentioned, make small frequent posts so you'll get off moderation faster.

GAL and work on mahhhty. This is critical. Stay out of W's sandbox. Continue to get stronger as a man. Show her that you're your own man and will be fine regardless of what she does. Neediness and pursuit are huge turnoffs to a WAW. Do things that you enjoy and keep you busy. Take up something new that you've always wanted to do. No time like the present. Above all make sure you're a strong, positive, loving dad to your kids.

Take care of yourself! Eat well, get in shape, sleep. If you are physically healthy you'll be better prepared to handle whatever happens.

I look forward to more posts from you.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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One thing I forgot. You mentioned you read DB. Excellent book, but make sure you pick up DR. It goes into more detail.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Welcome here mahhty - as you already know, it's a good place for support and advice. Your case is almost textbook and sounds a lot like mine. The problem is that even if it's textbook, we don't know if it means they'll come back. You'd think they'd wake up some day.

This, especially, I've heard:

Originally Posted By: mahhhty
1 - I love you, but I’m not in love with you
2 - I’m not happy
3 - People don’t change
4 - Relationships aren’t work
3 and 4 hurt me the most. They're false and said to build a fence around their decision.

Do you know if she has someone else lined up? You make no mention of an OM (other man). I ask because my W lied to me until I figured it out myself, but the OM was there all along.

Another thing that isn't clear: what's your goal? Do you still want to save your M? If so, how much are you willing to put into it? Or are you here for self-preservation and development?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Your WAW will come up with all kinds of reasons why she's not happy. I've heard those 4 things from mine before, almost verbatim. My W:

Criticized that I read books more than she does

Criticized that I play golf. Not that I play golf too much, but that I play at all. The last round I played was in 2012.

Castigated me for saying something 15 years ago about us "not deserving a vacation". I remember saying that during a time of financial stress. Never mind that we have taken at least a dozen vacations since then with my full enthusiastic support.

She's attacked my worth as a husband and as a man.

She's the one who decided to cultivate an EA with OM, but she blames me for putting her in a place where she was vulnerable. SMH

My point is that a WAS will dig up anything they can to justify why they feel the way they feel. That's where the rule about not believing anything they say comes into mind. If they have a complaint that you feel is valid, then honestly address it and work on it for you, not for her. But don't get sucked in when she's spewing nonsense. They may not know it, but they want you to remain strong, even when they're floundering.

And I hate to say it, but Mozza is right. You need to make sure there's not an OM, even if it's just in her own mind. Women aren't often willing to blow up their own family unless they think there's someone better waiting in the wings. My W says she hasn't been happy with me for a decade, but it's interesting that she didn't get unhappy enough to want to leave until after she decided that OM got her motor running back in August.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Really nice posts, Rzrback!

Regarding a potential OM:
There has been some discussion about whether or not to find out if there is another man/woman involved.
While I understand that it will cause heartache to the LBS and possibly negatively impact future interactions with the WAS, to me, knowing whether or not family funds are being spent financing an affair, not exposing ourselves to STD, and not being taken advantage of as a cuckold when you find out you're the last one to know... well, that's something each of us has to decide for him/herself.

If you decide to go on a OM hunt, check in here first.
Because if you DO find evidence of either a physical or emotional relationship, you're going to be hit like a ton of bricks and things are going to turn very ugly in your interactions with your wife.

So don't go snooping until you have more feedback here.
Don't accuse her of anything when you don't have proof. That just comes up as jealous and insecure--two big turnoffs.

Just keep observing her closely without reading much into her behavior, because she will contradict herself at every turn. Simply keep that idea in the back of your mind, because WAS are going to lie to you. And then lie some more.
Even if they think they're telling you "their truth" because they just really don't know what they want, most of the time.

Be prepared to be painted as the bad guy. It's how they justify their behavior. Because if you weren't so terrible, then they'd be terrible people for doing this to a decent person. Can't have that, so they demonize us.

Don't take her actions personally.

Someone said, I think the wise Sandi2: "Q-TIP" =
Quit
Taking
It
Personally.


Most of the time, it's not really about you, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.

But definitely own your own failings in the M and work hard to figure out what those might be. Get started on fixing them. The more you improve yourself, the less our spouses can see that person they need to leave so badly.

Talk less--DO more.


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Hi and welcome. Sorry you find yourself here, but this is a GREAT place to get some awesome advice from good folks. Take what they say and use it to help you. You will get some really good input.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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When they say "ILYBNILWY", it's typically, but not always, because they have a point of comparison. It's wayward wife speak for I love someone else now.

If there is an OM is quite likely a married (or now divorcing) man, probably a co-worker (because it's easiest to hide). She's invested in getting a divorce BEFORE announcing her new found love to the world and the only reason a woman typically does this ( waiting) is because the OM is still married trying to sort out his situation without telling anyone. Perhaps he has no intention of divorcing his wife and your wife is content being his mistress.

Her accusations towards you about your suspected affair a couple years ago give her a good excuse and fill up her rationalizations and justifications just enough to allow her to divorce and abandon you.

I hope I'm wrong. Infidelity [censored]. Her illness and near death experience has likely shaken up her world view (or damaged her emotionally and physically) that she's now losing her competence.

Then again, if I'm right you have an explanation for your situation and can then make decisions about your life from there.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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mahhhty Offline OP
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Wow! Great stuff thank you all very much. I am going to tackle these one by one, but I approach each and every one. Thank you!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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