-Try reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie if you haven't. Might be helpful.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
She tried to talk about OM again....about how confused she is. I simply said I won't share her and I don't think about OM. She asked me how I could be so calm when she's so nervous. I just said that he was her mess to clean up, not mine. Just keeping things calm and strong. I control my own life and my own actions. My mantra is "I got this". Just projecting to her that I can handle anything life throws at me.
She's nervous...I'm not
She's confused...I'm not.
She's all over the place...I keep things straight and level
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/28/1404:17 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Keep on avoiding talk with W about issues which are her concern to deal with. I love your response last time, it is her mess.
Acceptance that there may be a codependency issue is the first step in beginning to detach. This is BIG crossroad issue, it is very encouraging for you to acknowledge it. Your DB friends are celebrating for you.
Sadly when you live with a compulsive then detachment is absolutely essential. You will see that from my thread.
My understanding is that attachment is about the past, beliefs, and a desire to hold on to dreams which can't or won't work. It can also mean that hanging on to dreams of the future prevent living in the present. This does not mean not have goals, inspiration or aims, instead letting go of the outcome allows relaxation response. Ease and acceptance of the present meaning self control will give the best chance for your M.
Love to know more about your GAL plans for the holidays.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
She tried to talk about OM again....about how confused she is. I simply said I won't share her and I don't think about OM. She asked me how I could be so calm when she's so nervous. I just said that he was her mess to clean up, not mine. Just keeping things calm and strong. I control my own life and my own actions. My mantra is "I got this". Just projecting to her that I can handle anything life throws at me.
She's nervous...I'm not
She's confused...I'm not.
She's all over the place...I keep things straight and level
Thanks Wonka, she seemed to react well. I was happy with that exchange. I know what I want in life, I have direction and purpose, and while I hope she signs on for my ride, I don't need her to. That's the image I'm projecting to her, and more important, it's my new truth.
She's been warm to me today. Some spontaneous affection, all initiated by her.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I have a few minutes of peace before the day begins...perfect time for some DB journaling.
Thanksgiving went fine. Visiting my family (since my parents are toxic to us) ended up not being a big deal. They were on their best behavior and we had a lot of fun with a group of cousins we both really like. We had a previously agreed-upon time to get out of there and go over to her family. I took the lead on getting us packed up and on our way on time. Family leadership has been a legitimate complaint of hers so I count that as a win. Thanksgiving at her family's was no big deal, but her family has never presented a challenge to us.
We got back home yesterday, watched the Arkansas game (not pretty, but oh well), and worked on some home improvement projects together. I know that's ironic, since this may not be my home this time next year, but I think that doing things like this together will help reestablish our connection.
We had a productive R talk last night. You know, the kind where we respectfully talk about our issues and share feelings. OM got mentioned, but she speaks about him more dispassionately than she used to. She was trying to analyze why he had made her feel the way she did. I can handle that kind of OM talk, it's when she starts gushing like a teenager that I draw the line. She did say that she was attracted to us both. That's the first time since BD that I heard her say that she was attracted to me. I'm probably overanalyzing that one statement, but considering she used to tell me she felt no attraction to me at all, I'll take it. I didn't point out to her what she said. She asked me how I felt about things, since we seem to talk too much about how she feels. I said I was crystal clear on where I wanted us to go, but I was ready for whatever life threw at me. I did tell her that I would not settle for being her plan B, so she needed to either recommit to me for real, or not at all. She said she envied my clarity.
She was warm, initiated spontaneous affection and ILY. During the day, our interactions were almost normal, if it hadn't been for the elephant sleeping in the corner. We were in bed last night before going to sleep, and I caught her staring at me more than once. It felt like she wanted closer contact, but was holding herself back. Again, maybe my imagination/wishful thinking, but I can't help but think that what I'm doing is helping her open up slowly. Maybe the wall has a couple of fewer bricks than it did before. I did break my DBing rules to initiate a kiss and an ILY before going to sleep, but considering how warm she's been to me this weekend, I figured I'd throw her a bone :-)
One poster asked me about my holiday GAL plans. I hadn't really thought about GAL in terms of the holidays. We'll probably still do a lot together, since we're still warm towards each other. We're planning to make the holidays about us and our children. We're making things simpler this year, both for financial reasons, and also to avoid the over scheduling we tend to get roped into this time of year. Given what all has gone on, a simpler Christmas would be best. My standard GAL activities remain in place. Exercise, flying, church, friends, kids.
Sandi2 put out a great post on what detachment really means. That helped me refine my detachment so I can detach from expectations without making her feel like I'm being cold to her. Thanks, Sandi!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
