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You can't fix it.

This is from my reading this morning:

The past cannot be changed, edited or erased... it can only be accepted so you can move on because we're not there anymore, we're here... and here is pretty awesome!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Jefe Offline OP
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I had a very wonderful time with my wife today. MIL came too.

I am completely overwhelmed with a flood of different emotions.

Wife got here a little early and stayed later than she was originally going to. (A little over 3.5 hours) and she seemed to not have much interest in going to Roger's (bio-dad) this afternoon with the girls as she had planned. I completely give in on Roger and that whole deal and she's loosing interest. Whatever. I'd rather they not go anyway.

We were gathered in the living room talking and catching up waiting for the turkey to finish warming. My Grandmother's house is covered, walls, table tops, etc, with photos of me, W, and kids from the beginning to now. Before dinner I caught the wife several times looking at all of the photos and tearing up. She was trying hard to not have anyone notice but I did. She teared up many times today. Not like her.

When we were plating up, we were the last 2 left in the kitchen and she leaned back into me and very sweetly said, "Oh, I almost forgot, Happy Thanksgiving." During dinner we were sitting at a corner of the table together and every single time I looked up at her she was gazing at me and catching my eyes as often as she could. She was eye catching and gazing at me before dinner, too.

This is the 3rd or 4th time she has been at a family gathering since the S. She really seemed to be more comfortable at the house with us than she has been since she left. Without running the risk of mind reading, I think she genuinely misses everything. The family was being very kind and respectful to W and MIL too. So that helped I'm sure. I know that both of them feel more comfortable with my family than they do with their own.

We had a very strange exchange during desert. My uncle was talking to my aunt and told her that she was a good wife. My W turns to me and asks "Am I a good wife?" I paused, I answered softly, "You have been the best wife." and I left it at that.

I kept a good PMA the whole time.

The negative stuff, half way through she went and got her phone from the car and spent more time than I would like doing something but it is her birthday and I think it was just a lot of birthday wishes.

30 minutes before she left she excused herself to make a short phone call outside. I am reading nothing into it. I cant. I simply don't have enough information, evidence, or knowledge to make a case for anything. So I choose to think positive thoughts for now.

She has gained about 15-20 pounds since she left. She looks to me to be the heaviest she's been in a real long time. Just because I lost 20-30 pounds didn't mean she had to find them. Just worried for her, she was always the healthier and better eater out of the two of us.

Only other negative instance was the awkward hug she gave me when she left. As much eye contact as she was making it was a very cold hug. Oh well I'll take what I can get.

Emotionally, I wish I could take away something from this. I know that I can't though. So what it leaves me is confused and lonely now that she's gone. Is this a positive step? Was this an anomaly? Who knows.

Giving it to God at this point.

We've got dinner with part of her family tomorrow evening. W can't be there because of work but kids and I are going. And Saturday evening we are going to my step-sister's house for a feast. Wife said she would like to go but again she has to work. At least we'll be busy with family.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Good not to mind read. She knows you two have a connection and she obviously is conflicted. I think today was a healthy dose of reality for her - how good it can be. How good it has been. You did extremely well. You should be proud. Keep up the PMA.
Yeah I also lost 20 lbs while my W gain it. Odd the way that works isn't it.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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Wow, thank you Peter, I though I did well too.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

A couple of other interactions worth noting. One from earlier today and the other from the day we had the horrible phone call.

When she first arrived today, the kids gave her the Birthday cards they had made. I gave her the gift that I had bought. Her eyes lit up and she got real close to me and thanked me. D7 starts chanting "kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss..." She smiled and said "No." Right after this the girls left and ran next door to my Grandmother's house. My wife looks at me and says: "They act like we should 'like' each other or something." I said, "I agree, I think we should."

Tues in the middle of the phone call, we were talking about money and I said how if I had a job like I used to have again that she could go back to part time or whatever.
She said "...but we struggled so much back then."
M: "But my God, it was so worth it. The kids benefited so much."
W: "Yes, I remember, and I wouldn't change a single thing about that for anything in the world. It was wonderful."

What does all of this mean? Beats me.

Happy Thanksgiving all.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Hi Jefe, congratulations on a nice Thanksgiving. Holidays can be so tough, and you handled yourself really well.

Your W seems like she is very different than the rest of us with walk-away wives. I say this b/c:

- she remembers your past fondly saying she "wouldn't change a single thing".

- And asking you at the meal whether she was a good wife, also seems unusual from the usual things that wives who have checked out of the marriage would say.

- Finally, the fact that your W is putting on weight seems to indicate that her focus is not on herself and making herself attractive to someone else.

I'm just observing, but I think your sitch has more reason for hope than most of us here. Have a great rest of the weekend.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Thanks, Wet. I have been dreading today all week long. I think I only got about 3 full hours of sleep last night. I spent a lot of time in prayer and quiet introspection yesterday and this morning.

God guided me today, that's all I can say.

Yes I agree with your assessment of my wife vs WAS's. However, this was just one moment in time. A rare glimpse of the woman I used to know.

Sometimes I feel like she really does want to come home but feels like she can't so she must do more to damage it thereby proving she can't come home. I could be way off base. I wish I knew how to get over that hurdle or even what the hurdle was exactly. I know I just need to continue working on me and making my attitude and changes permanent.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
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Jefe, I think you have done a phenomenal job.

All people need to do is read your first post to your last. They will see how you have learned not to take the bait, give your wife space, and when something will result in an unnecessary argument you have learned how to resolve the conflict instead of engage in the argument.

You have grown amazingly. I have no doubt you have become an inspiration to others.

I’m glad your Thanksgiving went so well.

There is only one thing you could have done differently. When you thought had caught her gazing at you…you should have winked. It would have been a playful move which she could have interpreted any way she wanted.

Engaging in nonverbal gestures, like winking, takes pressure off you and the other person. It gives them attention without giving them information


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
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Jefe Offline OP
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Hmm, what an amazing idea. Hope I have another opportunity soon to try it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Can we drop the weight thing? Sheesh!

Read nothing more into that than some people are stress eaters, some aren't. I'll bet she looks fantastic.

About her missing everything, of course she misses [b]some[b] things about your life together. Stay in your sandbox and let her get to know the man you are now. No pressure.

Good job, Jefe, in what was an emotion charged day.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Jefe Offline OP
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Of course she looks fantastic.

She could gain 100 more and it wouldn't change anything for me other than my concern for her health.

On the flip side, everyone at dinner commented on how good I looked. I think she was checkin me. wink


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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