Hi all, first let me say thank you for all the lessons and experiences shared in this forum. It has helped me to be strong at my weakest points on this journey. I've read many similar stories to mine but not too many that involve pregnancy and new babies. I'm 32 and H turn 40 in January 2014. He's had a traumatic childhood with tons of abandonment and loss. He's struggled with major depression on and off (mostly on) his whole life (sad). He dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb 2/4/14 when I was 6 months pregnant. Since then he completely shut himself off emotionally and physically to me. We tried a few couples sessions and that didn't get anywhere so we stopped. He was/and still is not willing to work on our R. I assumed responsibility of the faults I contributed to in our R and acknowledged that with our first D born 3/2012 I struggled with postpartum depression and withdrew from the R myself. This is different. H is different. I NEVER in one million billion year would have thought he was capable of giving up on our R and love especially since we have 2 beautiful daughters and before deciding to have a family heavily discussed what that meant. We were absolutely 100% committed to giving our daughters an intact home full of love and fun. So this man truly has become an alien. He told me "it's crappy timing I know but I feel like I need to be selfish right now, that I don't want to take care of anyone else (meaning me) and my daughters (cause I have to). **side note I'm quite self sufficient thank you haha...
From 2/4/14 till mid October there has been several conversations about him moving out to "find himself". Take care of himself. He says he has a BIG PLAN! Well On 11/15/14 he moved out. Took the little bit of things that were his and not ours and got an apartment. I knew it was coming since we agreed on the date but I guess him actually doing knocked the wind right out of me. How could he... I was devastated and did allllllll the things I wasn't supposed to. Criiiiied like a baby, cussed him out several times, told him allllll the bad things he was and what he was doing to me, our daughters and our family. All of it. I did it. And it felt necessary in the moment. I've since apologized for the mean things I said in anger and as of today I babe recommitted to DBing. At one point in the beginning when the bomb was dropped I was soooooo good at DBing. I truly started to GAL and that has since stuck but I stopped coming her at some point months ago and and wavered on the parts of DB like staying happy and friendly, not talking about the R, all that stuff. But I did continue to GAL and started working out and have lost 10lbs, started cooking again, going out with friends, focusing on my side work, and other things I enjoy by myself. The irony of it all is this has been one of the best years of my life for professional and personal growth. For that I am thankful.
I am a psychotherapist so I am keenly self aware of so much and it is a gift and a burden in my sitch. I'm exhausted from juggling a full time job (which I love), a small side private practice (which keeps me excited professionally), and now being a single mom to a 2-3/4 year old and an almost 7 month old. He does help watch the girls whenever I need him to and so far has financially continued to contribute a large chunk. How did I get here? How is this my life? Am I strong enough to endure years of this cold isolation from the man I loved and who once loved me? I'm feeling especially broken and sad tonight. Had a good cry and feel better after writing all this. Thank you for reading if you got to the end. Any advice, words of wisdom in similar sitches, or words of encouragement are helpful!
M:32 H: 40 D1: 3 D2: 9 months old Bomb dropped: 2/4/14 (I was 7 month preg) Moved out: 11/15/14 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped 1/15
I'm sure Cadet will be along with some homework and a welcome soon.
Try not to focus on the "years" ahead. Think about today.
Place your focus on this moment only, especially since you are still adjusting to his move out.
NONE of this is your fault. No marriage is perfect. There's a big difference between taking responsibility for someone coming unhinged and taking responsibility for your part in a typically imperfect marriage.
Focus on the moment, yourself, your kids.
I've found that breathing through the really painful moments helps. If you don't meditate, now would be the time to start. I really find it helpful.
Take care of yourself.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you for your response. I'm a mess this week. I'm so hurt. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and this year well.... This. I hoping by Xmas I'll have myself a little emotionally grounded and a little more adjusted to him not living here. When I'm working that's the only time I feel "normal". I guess it serves as an escape!
M:32 H: 40 D1: 3 D2: 9 months old Bomb dropped: 2/4/14 (I was 7 month preg) Moved out: 11/15/14 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped 1/15
There are some amazing people on this board....virtually picked me up from my sobbing heap of pain in the early days. Hang in there.... They'll come around soon:).
This will be my first holiday season without H, as well. And I totally get what you mean by work feeling the only "normal" place... I used to cry at the end of my work days because I had to go back to my unwanted reality.
Yes I've always been a big advocate of self care and when H dropped the bomb in feb I quickly started to GAL and have stuck to it. I've been exercising more (well that got put on hold while I readjust my schedule as a single parent now) but plan to start reincorporating it again next week, I do IC twice a month, go to lunch and dinner with friends frequently, but I still miss my H dearly and hate that he is so sick
I'm so angry... For so many reasons... This isn't what I signed up for! Not even a little. Committing my life to him was a big deal, I trusted him. Grrrrrrrrrrr...
M:32 H: 40 D1: 3 D2: 9 months old Bomb dropped: 2/4/14 (I was 7 month preg) Moved out: 11/15/14 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped 1/15
BB I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome - the guys here are amazing, you will get some great advise, sympathy and push you along when needed.
I to am new here, this will be my first xmas without my h and also my sx2 so I understand how you must be feeling. Do you have family or friends around?
I am no expert - I am walking the minefield of MLC like you - but would say; don't apologize to him for anything you say, you did not want this, you are hurting and its normal to react. Just try keep up with Db'ing and keep any communication short and to the point if you can - no r talk.
Well done on GAL, you are doing really well, congrats on the weight loss.
Cry, scream, shout, vent away, we all do it and it feels soooooo good :o)
Hi BBlove- sorry you are here, happy you found this place though- it will help you immensely.
You may want to check out Raine's thread as she went through all of her mess while pregnant as well. I've read through her threads many times as they are phenomenally helpful for anyone dealing with a crazy MLCer.
I totally understand when you say you didn't sign up for this and never expected it- MLC really takes loving people and turns them into fire breathing teenagers on steroids. We are all here to walk the crazy journey with you.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I have a brother and sister who are great and my sister has really stepped up the Sat couple months helping me with the toddler. Ps he took her from Sunday till to tomorrow to give me some time to process and adjust. I am thankful. Both my parents passed away in 2000 so it's just me and kid brother and sister. But I'm thankful for them.
How do I find Raines threads? I'd love to read them for some insight!
M:32 H: 40 D1: 3 D2: 9 months old Bomb dropped: 2/4/14 (I was 7 month preg) Moved out: 11/15/14 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped 1/15
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks cadet!!! Starting reading so tonight and LOOOOOOOOOOVE both the lighthouse story and the MLC for dummies. mLc for dummies like scary right on down to exact verbiage. Wow!
Thanksgiving was good. Spent the day at an amusement park with my siblings and 2 Ds. We had a great time and was the perfect distraction to get me through the day. I'm exhausted so hoping I can sleep past 4am tonight. Since H left almost 2 weeks ago I've been waking at ungodly times and can't go back to sleep because the spinning brain! It [censored] especially since my toddler has me up at 5-530am every morning.
Anyway. Just wanted to stop in and say it was a good day. H and I exchanged a few text regarding the kids time at the amusement park and every text he send ended with a (smiley face) example: thsts awesome... Glad I'm glad it was good <-- referring to the day. What's all the smiley faces about????
Off to continue my homework reading. It helps.. A LOT!
M:32 H: 40 D1: 3 D2: 9 months old Bomb dropped: 2/4/14 (I was 7 month preg) Moved out: 11/15/14 OW confirmed and supposedly dumped 1/15
(smiley face) example: thsts awesome... Glad I'm glad it was good