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Ss -

I've been suggesting/begging/talking/pleading for H to go to IC for YEARS to deal with the issues of his childhood. He would go, to appease me, but never stuck with it. I could see it, brewing under the surface. I could see it creeping steadily into his work, our marriage. For the last year, his mother has (seemingly) been on the wagon, stable, trying to get it together. I urged H to start to talk to his parents, because it seemed like an opportune time. I knew that if he didn't get it out, it was going to blow up. I just never imagined it was going to blow up on me. At the time I thought I was being helpful. Trying to give him support and courage to deal with the difficult stuff. I know differently now. Had I known what I was doing was controlling/manipulating, I would've stayed the hell out of it. Except, I couldn't. Because it was effecting my life. The man I love. And I wanted to be his advocate -- because he wasn't advocating for himself. I didn't want him to be a victim to his parents anymore. I didn't want him to be a victim of a s*itty childhood. I wanted him to rise above it. To be victorious. To free himself of the chains that binded him to the toxic situation.

But the thing is, I wanted that. And while I think there was/is a part of him that wanted some of that, he didn't want to make that journey.

......I feel, sometimes, that by trying to make him better - that I made him worse. And I feel like a s*itty person. At least right now.

I've been working on my lists of what to do and what not to do. Plan on sharing towards the end of the week.


As for mourning, I'm still mourning -- but I'm the type of person who wants a plan. I like control (jesus, maybe H was right about being controlling). Because over the years with all the crappy things that have happened to me, I want to control the things in my life. My eff'd up thinking: If I can control it - then nothing bad will happen to me again. Ha. Last year I went to grief counseling because my grandfather committed suicide. Grief counseling, pissed me off, because I couldn't control how I was navigating the steps of grief. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't "grieving" properly. I expressed my irritation and not being able to move forward. And as I'm typing this now....I realize I'm doing the same thing with mourning this separation.

I came pretty close to rock bottom two weeks ago. It scared the crap out of me. I called my docs, got meds, and I'm seeing improvements. Where I was two weeks ago is not somewhere I want to be again.

I don't want to be a victim. Never have. I've survived every kind of abuse possible. I've survived a mentally unstable father who has tried to harm me. I've survived everything thrown at me (illness, poverty, loved ones dying, loved ones having cancer, becoming a legal guardian to an elderly relative, suicide). I always pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said "you will not be defined by this. You will not. I survived all of that...but my H leaving me? The thought of not being married to him - THAT is the thing that brings me to my knees.

--
I feel like I'm all over the place here.

--
Will post little bit later about H's IC session (I was there. It was lackluster!) and last nights IC.

Thank you for checking in. It's really pushing me to think about the bigger picture.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Little -

I'm everywhere. Especially today.

How did you detach?

Got any advice?


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Maybell......

I just can't even with the thing you IC said. How does one even respond to that?

I'm going to post about the H's IC session that I attended last week a little later. My IC worked with me on helping decode it. And what you're saying makes sense. I went in with expectations, and looking back, I probably heard what I expected to hear. H may hear it differently.

FWIW, I have been validating H when we text. He seems to be responding to it.

What am I thankful for?
1. My family and close friends who have so patiently listened to me and taken care of me since this started.
2. A short work week
3. A flexible work schedule (was up last night for awhile with a sick dog - got into work suuuuper late)
4. My dogs, because without having the responsibility of taking care of them - I don't know if I would've gotten out of bed in the last two months.
5. That even though we are apart, my husband is safe and taking the steps to hopefully become happy. He deserves that.
6. Ironically, the ability to really have the opportunity to look at myself. I thought I had myself figured out. I was wrong. Way wrong.
---

What are you thankful for Maybell?


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Journaling/Update

H’s IC last week: I ended up going to H’s IC appointment last week. The reason we were there, allegedly, communication. H had come to the house the week before, I had gotten emotional about our stitch and was asking what we/I could do to help get us some progress. H announced that he wanted to start coming around the house once a week to help with things because, “maintaining the place was too much for one person”, he wanted to start talking on the phone more and perhaps start doing something together once a week. Told me that his therapist was “on board” with the idea. As he’s done this before and it’s backfired pretty immediately, I suggested that before we committed to that we talk to a third party to see how that would work/if it was in our best interests. I also found it questionable that the therapist would suggest increased contact, specifically when H is having a hard time controlling his temper/verbal spew. Asked him if he had told his IC about how angry he was, he hadn’t.

H set up the appointment with his IC. I wasn’t immediately comfortable with the setup, so H encouraged me to reach out to his therapist and discuss my concerns. My primary concerns being: safety and expectations of the session. In regards to safety, do I feel that my H would hurt me on purpose? No, not at all. But, as angry as he’s getting, and so rapidly – I had concerns about the therapist maintaining control of the situation, especially seeing as H hadn’t told him how angry he had been getting. Expectations of the situation: H wanted to talk about communication, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going in and being ambushed. Having been in previous therapy sessions before with H (prior to MC) where the therapist at the time ambushed me, I wanted to make sure there wasn’t a hidden agenda (ie: I’m trying to control the situation for my comfort).

I talked to H’s IC, and I’m not impressed. At all. He came off as very condescending and rude. He questioned my dedication to H and if my fears of H’s anger were actually valid saying, “women who are fearful of their spouses don’t pursue relationships, much less agree to be in the same room.” He then went on to insinuate that if I was “truly concerned” about H’s anger that I would’ve reached out to someone and tried to get him help. And that is where, I politely lost it. I explained to therapist that I had called him and left him a VM regarding H’s sudden personality change and anger. He never called me back (he confirmed that was correct). I reached out to our MC at the time. Our MC never called me back. I spoke to the on call emergency MC who expressed concern over his behavior at the time and suggested that I get his family and or a doctor involved. As the doctor can’t do anything without H coming in himself, I called his parents. And his parents blamed everything on me. So at that point, I had pretty much exhausted my options short of getting him involuntarily committed (which wasn’t even a viable option or one I was even considering, but can happen in our state). The therapist’s response? “You didn’t call *random mobile crisis center that I’ve never heard of* so, you TRULY didn’t use all of your options. I also explained that while I was concerned for H’s anger and his safety, that I had been exposed to lots of things in life and that I had seen what the power of medication, therapy and time could do, so I wasn’t the “fearful woman” he was portraying me as. He seemed kind of taken aback, but encouraged me to come to the session so I could “learn and hear all about H’s progress.”

FWIW, I did tell H about the conversation and he was pretty taken aback and appalled. Said he would’ve never expected that kind of reaction from IC and would never have suggested I talk to him or come in if IC was going to act that way. Said it was up to me if I wanted to come to the session, he would understand if I didn’t want to.

I put on my big girl panties and went. And continued to not be impressed with the IC in person. He still came off as rude and condescending. He made a big deal about how the session was not MC. Got it. He basically read me bullet points from H’s session.

Session 1: Getting to know you

Session 2: H thinks that relationship is “really bad”. IC tells me that he told H that he could end the relationship at any time if he wanted to. And that sometimes, r’s can’t be fixed because they’ve run their course. IC pauses to say that he’s “pro marriage and thinks marriages should be saved” but sometimes we “have to accept that not everything can be saved and learn to live with the disappointment of things not working out.”

Session 3: Talked about H’s childhood background.
So on and so forth. IC told me things I already knew. IC continues to go on that we “could” save our marriage, but that I would have to change, H would have to change and the R would have to change but that it only took one person to want out then that was it.

After all of this, I finally get a chance to say something, and I ask how does one expect the m/spouse to change if they don’t say anything (alluding to H not saying ANYTHING). And how does one work on this, when one party refuses to talk because of their anger, or their mood, or anything else. Because at this point H hasn’t said ANYTHING during the session. I pointed out that H has a history of not saying anything about his feelings, but wanting people to do all the work for him so that he wouldn’t have to do the hard stuff (to his credit, H nodded) and the IC basically ignored this and said that we shouldn’t talk without a third party until we can both learn not be emotional. There’s our communication advice.

He then told me that I could leave, that he wanted to spend the rest of the time with H.

To his credit, H texted me later in the afternoon, thanked me for coming and told me he wasn’t happy with how the session went. At least we agree on something.
---
My IC last night:

I talked about the session with H’s IC. I expressed concern that it felt like my H’s IC was pushing H towards D/ending the R based on what he said. Express concern that H might be swayed by the ending r talk, as H always looks to other people for guidance/decision making. Case in point, last week when talking about the R (I know, bad DB) I asked H if he felt the R was over. He said he didn’t know, because he hadn’t talked to his IC about that yet. I realize this is mind reading, I realize it’s a big what if, but it’s also scary to me that H could be so easily influenced. My IC validated my concerns but felt what H’s IC was doing was pushing H to realize that there were options, but that H had to choose what he was going to commit to. She knows H’s IC IRL and is a little taken aback and my opinion of him – but wonders if he’s therapeutically trying to push buttons to get a reaction out of either one of us. She also thinks the reading of the bullet points was to convey to me, without upsetting H, how slow the process is – and how long it’s going to take. They’re on session 6? Now and still haven’t talked about why H is angry with me. She felt that he was doing his best to convey the longevity and to see if I had the patience to deal with it.

She was thrilled to hear that I wanted to start focusing on me, and less on why is this happening to me. I mentioned a few of the things that I wanted to work on: 180s, PMA, etc. I also want to work on taking a hard look at the person I was/am in the marriage. Because apparently she’s not awesome. She said, I’m sure there are things that you did in the marriage as a result of your H’s actions. And immediately, I had several things come to mind. So obviously there’s work there to do.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Journaling:

Today is going to be much harder than I thought. Checked FB this am and first post was my SIL posting on how thankful she was to wake up next to her H (my H 's brother) and fur babies and spend time with her family. Both inlaws had already liked her status. Instant decision to stay off FB for the day. Perhaps the whole weekend.

H is sleeping in a hotel room literally three miles away. Might as well be 3,000. He's struggling right now, meds don't seem to be working and he's getting bad side effects. Not sleeping. All I want to do is go over there and curl up in bed with him and tell him that it will be ok. That we are going to be ok.

But I don't know that. And I can't do that. Instead I sent him a text saying that I hoped he was able to get sleep and that he had safe travels wherever the holidays may take him.

When this all started, I foolishly thought we'd have this sorted out by the holidays. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

I think I'm going to opt to cry. Take a nap, and go to my parents house where I will probably cry some more but will do my best to enjoy the day.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Jul 2014
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I totally thought this all would be sorted by the holidays, too.

There's no denying it, the holidays suck right now but I'm trying to make the best of them. It's not easy but I'm doing the very best I can.

One foot in front of the other. It won't always suck this badly. Ugh


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Count me in here too. I was SURE we would be reconciled by Halloween at worst by Today.

Hang in there guys.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
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Thanksgiving. Yeah.

My Thanksgiving with my family was fine. Good food, laughs, etc.

Thanksgiving regarding my H?

No, not so much.

Discovered H planned to spend the holiday in his hotel room, sleeping. Because his meds are not working for him. I suggested he come to my parents house for food. He didn't want to do that. Fair enough. I told him I would be out of our house all day and had tons of food there, and to help himself. He wasn't sure about that. He just wanted to sleep. He sounded awful. Finally, during the middle of the day I sent him a text and asked if I could bring him a plate of food. He was agreeable to that.

Took him a plate of food later in the evening. If he isn't at rock bottom he's close to it. I remained up beat and chatty, blah blah. And basically had to put him to bed because he was zoning in and out. He gave me a hug to thank me for the food but when I tried to give another one he freaked out. Got himself worked up, started blaming everything on the meds and then went into a full blown anger meltdown. He couldn't articulate what set him off. He couldn't articulate what he was angry at. He was just filled with uncontrollable anger at the drop off the hat.

This is much more than me. But yet, I can't help but feel it's my fault and the anger is about me - because he only has these meltdowns around me. His parents, his therapist, etc aren't taking me seriously when I tell them about the seriousness of the anger because I'm the only one who sees it.

It breaks my heart, shatters it to the core to see my beautiful, vibrant, funny husband reduced to this shell of a person. To be living in a hotel room going on three months. To fighting whatever it is his fighting on his own.

He plans on talking to the doctor Monday for a med adjustment and he has a therapist appointment Monday as well. I'm sure this will just provide more fodder for the therapist about why we shouldn't communicate. Whatever.

------
I don't know if our marriage is going to be able to survive this. I want so desperately for it to, but I can't DB against anger, and personal demons and depression. Can I?

So, Ss is right, the marriage is going to have to go in the box on the shelf.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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And on a completely b*tchy self serving rant:

I am so ANGRY and disappointed with H's parents. They live 2.5 hours away and had NO plans yesterday. They couldn't even be bothered to come see their son, who is obviously having a rough time, on a holiday. They talked to him on the phone, and unless H put on a grand show, they should've been able to tell that he was in bad shape just from the tone of his voice. Some red flags should've been raised when he expressed that he was just going to sequester himself away and sleep all day. His parents spent the day posting on FB and enjoying the light snow they got. Happy and warm without a clue. Because they live in denial land. Our son doesn't have problems, it's all his wife.

And me? I go out to make sure he's alive and that he's at least fed and take care of him in his darkest time, and I get to witness the come apart. And get the blame for it all. And hell, maybe it is all my fault but I'm not abandoning my H in his time of need. Where the f*ck were they at? And really where the f*ck have they been his whole life?

It must be so nice to live in lala land where everything's perfect and everyone else is to blame.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Advice? Anyone?

H wants to go to the funeral with me tomorrow. To support me and our friend.

He says he's going, I say we should talk about it.

He complained that I'm controlling. So I'm treading lightly here.

But I don't think in light of how the last 24 hours has been that he should go. There will be lots of emotions, he's not stable with his meds, I might accidentally breathe/touch him/cry and god forbid set him off into an angry state. The last thing I need is for him to have an angry scene at a funeral.

I'd much rather he not go and have to make excuses as to why he's not there than to risk a blow up.

Should I just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best and trust that he can keep his composure in a room full of people? Or put my foot down and ask him not to go?


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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