Wife having emotional affair part 4

[HPoirot]

Great list. Yes focus on the good. Just don't push her at all. Not even a little bit. Don't bring up OM and you don't think about him. You have better things to do. And don't expect she knows where her heart truly lies. That is mind reading and does not serve you b/c when she acts differently than you think she should (b/c you think she knows where her heart truly lies) then you will be disappointed and you are likely then to get angry, sad, or otherwise fall off track. Stay out of her head and stay in your "sandbox." Don't assume anything like you did here...

I know they are going to meet again when he comes back in town. And I think that is why she is holding back from us. Like I have read before they always want one last good bye to OM. To put an end to it for closure. She knows where her heart truly lies. Other wise she would not be doing or saying all the things lately.

That's a lot of assumptions. I know b/c I do this too everyday and I cause myself unneeded pain when I do. (I'm telling you this to enforce my not doing the same.) So, when you're typing here... note when you say "I think" or when you assume what's in your W's mind or are negative writing about your sitch. Then rewrite the sentence to a fact (something your W did) or something positive. It helps me do better when I remember to do that.

Good luck.

[3kids]

Well I either put an end to my marriage or put an end to some cake eating.

So she keeps telling me she has ended it with him kind of sorta. Then came yesterday.

I picked up the kids to go cut our tree and have an awesome day. On the way they tell me that they went to a movie with OM and mom. So that's how done they are. Well there went my thinking, so as the day went on and I calmed down. Thought how I would approach her and the convo would go. Had a blast with the kids, Santa and the whole thing, awesome awesome day! Went to drop off the kids and asked her if we could discuss Christmas plans. She said well we could do it tomorrow night and I said no it will only take a couple of minutes. Kids chimed in and said you guys could do it tonight, we are going to grandmas. I said no your moms probably busy tonight, right. She gave a smirk and said yes( this is why she declined me one week ago to do anything last night with out the kids, OM in town). When we got alone I told her how we should do Christmas, I get the kids Christmas Eve with my family and she could have them Christmas morning and if she wanted she could let me have them for a couple of hours Christmas Day or my presents could wait until I get them back on Sunday. Angerly she said that's fine. (She wanted Christmas morning to be us both together and kind of split the presents). I stated if kind of done with OM is still going out with him and my kids. Then we should continue on our same path of divorce and not confuse the kids any with Christmas. (I was not angry or upset just stating a fact). She said I don't need to be told what to do or questioned. I said I am not at all doing either of those. I can only control myself and you control your self. She said he is not anybody that I want to have a life with or move in with or live with. She said there is a right choice I have to make and a wrong choice. There is a way I want to go in life and a wrong way to go in life. I said ok I think I understand then he is the way you want to go and I am the right choice for life. She said that's not what I said. I said I'm sorry I don't understand. She said when I choose to be with you, I won't be able to have a relationship with his mom whom I am very very close to. I said I can't stop you from doing anything. She said but every time I would go to see her you would think I am going to see him. I said that's where trust would come in. She said I don't want to think about this stuff right now. I have two weeks left of school (semester) that are very important to me. After that I have to focus on Christmas, living place, and life(he is back for two weeks). I said that's fine, my intent was not to discuss all of this, just Christmas. Just so you know I will not wait forever for you and I'm going to go back living my life like I should. My intent is not to hurt you my intent is only not hurt my self or my kids. She said I'm not trying to hurt you. What about gifts, we should talk about what each person is getting them. I said they have two house so it's ok if they get the same gifts(sad look on her face). If you choose to actually end it with him then maybe give me a call and we could talk. But until then back to normal for us. Goodnight.

This was not to control her but stop the cake eating. She can't have all the family fun of Christmas and coming over lately and stuff. And still be able to have OM. She is making the choice that if she knows her relationship with him is not going to go anywhere to continue it. She is also making the choice not to be part of my life then. I even told her that it's not to control her and I can only control myself. So the drug got back into her system and she knows it's wrong and won't work but can't give him up. Funny she even talks about dreaming of me lately. Man I hate this roller coaster. I think I'm getting closer and closer to being really and I mean really OK either way she chooses to go. Starting to look forward to my bright future with or without her.

[Maybell]

very nicely done. I'm sorry that's how things are right now. but that was beautiful.

[3kids]

Thank you very much. I thought maybe I sounded a little weak and a little to dangerous at this phase of our relationship.

[sandi2]

Good job. I want to comment on what you told her, and please understand I am not criticizing, but hopefully give you a little warning.

Now that you have made the speech about not controlling her, only yourself, and all the other DB statements you have gotten off this board, please don't make the mistake of repeating any of it again.

Do you know how many men have posted about using this same little talk on their WAW's,......and almost word for word. It is fine, if you just use it one time. Otherwise, it does sound more like you are repeating something you have read. I'm not saying you did anything wrong (wish you had done this in the beginning), just giving you a tip not to repeat the same statements b/c it sounds too rehearsed and written by a different author. Okay? You know how you feel when watching someone pantomime someone's song? Make sure it is your voice and your words she hears, and not someone here on the board or out of a book.

It's like when newcomer LBH'S read about boundaries. Then suddenly they are like a parrot repeating stuff about their boundaries until it loses it's authenticity. A WAW may be wayward and in a fog, but there is one thing she knows very, very well.......and that is her H. She knows if that is really you talking.

I am sorry your family is having to deal with this stuff during the holidays. (I have experienced some bad Christmas's in the past.) We do survive. It can cause us to get better perspective on the true reason for celebration of the season. I pray for you and the children. I believe you will do your best for them, and what more is there.....but your best.

I noticed the positive note at the end of your post. I think it shows you have grown through the pain.

[3kids]

Thank you so much Sandi. To hear you say good job means I handled it pretty good. You have been so accurate on a lot of stuff, it truly means something to me. I think she is so close to coming to her senses and the silver tongue fox drags her back in. It's so frustrating!

[3kids]

I was wondering Sandi if you have anymore advice or what is coming next?

The reason I ask is I still remember something you said. You said something to the affect that they won't come out of the fog until she feels some sort of loss or reality of the situation hits her. With Christmas coming up, I have to think this might be the most real thing that will ever hit her. You have to understand how important this holiday is to her. She looks forward to this holiday all year long. She loves every part of it. Most of all the kids and there presents. You really have no idea. I think in the next couple of weeks is going to be really important. So I was wondering if there is anything I should do or shouldn't do or she's going to do?

[sandi2]

Well, I am a firm believer in the wayward W getting a good taste of her new reality. Many men will not sacrifice (as they see it) one Christmas for the sake of having many more happy ones in the future. Based on what you told your W, you are prepared to have the kids Christmas Eve and she will have them the next day. I think that is good. She wants you there the next morning b/c she wants it to feel like a "normal" Christmas morning. But it is not a normal Christmas, is it?

There could possibly be other family functions throughout the holiday season that may prompt her to give you an invitation, but IDK. My advice would be to decline b/c you have made other plans. Now some people suggest going and really shining to show her the new you. Since OM is still strong in the picture, I would not do it. I think she would notice you more by not being there. When she knows you will be there, she goes with her walls up and her attitude stuck out.

The "loss" will probably be something private. You may never know about it. I don't think the H should try to cause her loss to hit her in the face. To me, his part is to not enable her, and let life take it from there.

Most people assume the loss of home and family life, or having the kids full time would be a natural loss. Not necessarily so, but like I said, you may never know.

For me, my world came crashing down when my daughter told me she knew everything. Then she told my son, and I don't really know if anyone else in the family knew or not. I was afraid to find out. My loss was knowing that everything I ever stood for, every class in church I ever taught, (not to mention instilling values in my own children), my good reputation, EVERYTHING I had devoted my life to was suddenly shot down. And I provided the bullet. I was mortified and felt my life was ruined forever. At that moment, I had no words. I could not blame my H or things in the past. It was mine to bear alone. That is when my fantasy world started blowing away like ashes in the wind.

So you see, my H had nothing to do with it, yet my loss came. And I want to point out that the timing was just right. I had began to see some little slip ups in OM. I had began looking for someone to talk to me (thus finding this board). So I had read about the PEAs, and had been given excellent advice from some fantastic people on the board. So everything was coming together for that fateful day when my D confronted me. What she said was with so much love. No judgement showed on her face or in her words. When she was through I did say one thing about my H. "Do you think he still loves me?"

[3kids]

Thank you so much Sandi reading your post lifted my spirtes so much you have no clue. Yesterday I worked a fifteen hour day so I was exhausted when I got home. Crawled into bed and just layed there thinking. Not a good thing. I was thinking about every thing. Did I do the right thing, did I just push her into his arms. Did I wreck any chance I have. Stupid thinking when this happens I wish my brain would shut off. My question is, I know I'm not suppose to believe some stuff. But when she talks like that, she knows what is right and wants to be with me. Asks questions about how it would work if we tried to work it out. Tells me that it will never work with OM and she now has no plans of ever living with him or buying a place together with him. Calls and tells me that she is done with him(at that point she was but the drug kicked back in). Should I believe her? Should this give me some more hope?

This is what comes to my mind. She knows it won't work with him for some reason(his family,her family,kids,housing,money who knows). She still has feelings for me. This drug is not going to go away easy. She wants to cut it off with him but can't. Has told me I'm the missing part in her life. Even when it's with him and the kids or just her with the kids or just her, I'm missing. But when it's just her and him she is some what happy but thinks why couldn't husband do this. Do I believe all this or not? That is the huge question! How long do I hold on to hope?

[3kids]

Well this is my emotions talking but I have to get it out. They spent the whole weekend together. The family finally got to meet OM at the brunch and every thing. She went to her work with him and the kids and did a bingo thing with all the old people. The oldest friend got to meet him. A lot of firsts with OM. It's been 10 months and it all finally happened. I wouldn't be to surprised if