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smile hugs

Nothing to add but wanted to know I've been watching and you are awesome.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I certainly feel the same, Ss. The biggest thing for me now is trusting that I'm not going to fall into a total funk. I can feel sad at times but I trust myself to pull me out of it. Self soothing in the words of David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage)! If I could only separate PMA from expectations of a positive outcome...


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Maybell, thank you. smile

Ganb8te, thoughts are things. If you prepare yourself for falling into a funk, you will fall into that funk. Instead, shift your thinking. Prepare yourself to handle the funk, just as it is. Not by faking it, but by BEING it. Be the you who works through the funk, the strong you, the accepting you. It doesn't just happen, you have to practice it. I'm convinced no one is an expert at acceptance. It's a huge struggle and in most cases requires a funk.

Breathe, treat yourself well, do something fun, smile for a minute, and walk through it. Funks don't last forever. By definition, funks are short. And you never get a phone alert that you're on the other side of the funk (that would be so helpful!). Strangely, you actually get to decide how long that funk lasts, to a point. The power of that is immense.

Separating PMA from expectations of positive outcomes is a good thing to work on. We have positive expectations as a way to maintain control. It's almost magical thinking... If I believe it, maybe it will come true. I call it the Santa phenomenon. It's not just glass-half-full mentality, there are expectations there. Expectations of things we have absolutely NO control over.

PMA is, for me, something that comes naturally with some space and detachment. It's an expression of how I feel about my life while my marriage is on a shelf. I laugh, I sing out loud to '80s songs in the car, I polish my nails a color I like even if it's a little funky, I act silly with D, I poke gentle fun at coworkers who return the banter. I had to busy myself so I could stop over thinking and obsessing . Meditation helped here. I was able to observe what I was facing from more of a distance.

Distance has made all the difference.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Originally Posted By: Ss06
Originally Posted By: ganb8te
So how did you separate your hope from a mutual hope and make it more singular?


Frankly, it all started with putting my marriage away. It's not an alive marriage. Trying to perform CPR on it is futile in my case. It just is dead. I know this. If there's any hope for H and I to be together again it has to be 100% a new marriage. 100%.

Knowing that is one thing but preparing myself for the realities of that is harder. That means divorce. Flat out, the marriage is over. So as MWD suggests, I mentally divorced my marriage (this is a process, I'm not done yet). Doing that, I developed hope for me. ME. Singular hope.

That's not to say I don't have hope in H but hope in him sets me up for disappointment because I can't control him. He's on his own journey and he's certainly not going to walk his path the way I'd want him to. To expect he would perpetuates the problems in the marriage that is dead and keeps me from working on my issues with control, condescension, etc.

I'm determined to not waste my pain. I'm going to learn from every single ache I've felt and will feel. And I don't want to carry resentment about it, I want to be free and clear and that only happens when you let go. I can't claim I've dropped the rope, not that kind of letting go. I mean, I've taken back my responsibility for my own feelings, my own work, my own path. There's freedom in that and so, so much hope.

H may or may not get there. It's out of my hands. I can only be the best me I know how to be. For me. For D. For any future relationship I'm in.

Detachment came naturally for me once I got here. I'm an overthinker by nature and mental distance (meditation, staying busy, leaning on myself) helped immensely.

As a bonus, I started to like things about myself again. I stopped trying to see myself through his eyes and began to look at myself through my own. I like order and systems. H is the creative type and nothing happens systematically or without chaos and a giant path of destruction. I was ashamed for a long time by my need for order and systems. I'm learning that that's just ME and there's nothing wrong with my need for that. I'm not over-the-top about it.

I simply like being able to find things, know there's money in the bank account, scan my card without worrying if the bill got paid, make a grocery list, post a school calendar in the kitchen where I can see it. These are NOT shameful things or reasons why I'm inadequate. I know this now and I'm proud of that realization.

I have some resentment to work through there but it's mine. Not his to fix for me by coming back.

I can only work on me and while the responsibility there is great, there's a relief that I don't have to fix him or help him fix himself.

Nope.

He will or he won't.

But I will say, he's an absolute fool. wink


You've got this, ss!

Peeling those layers can be painful but what's at the end holds so much freedom.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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So 18 years of thanksgivings together. 18 years of spending thanksgiving with H's parents, who are NOT the most fun people to be around. Critical, complaining, bickering, high maintenance, unwelcoming, cold, unsupportive and I've basically had to be around them for every holiday since H and I started dating because I have no relationship with my parents. I'm over it really and I've felt H never appreciated how hard it was for me to be expected to just do that every year, every holiday.

To sit with his parents who don't give a flying eff about me, to listen to everyone bicker, to see H transform into someone I don't recognize... I just didn't want to do it ONE year. We are separated for goodness sake.

PLUS, last time FIL cooked, he dropped the turkey on the floor right after it came out of the oven. So, I started hosting and cooking. My ILs have strict dietary restrictions and making a meal is a nightmare let alone Thanksgiving!!

So this year, I said it'd just be the three of us. I don't think that's the worst thing in the whole world.

Well, my ILs are angry with me. One year out of 18 and they're mad at me.

I should care but I just don't. I'm tired of accommodating everyone, bending over backwards making the holiday great for them and I'm literally ignored by H and his family while I care for D and cook for everyone's dietary restrictions. Why should I volunteer for that?

Add to all that an awkward separation and I'm supposed to sign up for more awkwardness? Um, no.

Yet, for some reason, I feel guilty. frown. Blech.


Last edited by Ss06; 11/28/14 05:54 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss .... I get it .. .but you should not feel any guilt, you did not ask for all this ya know? Maybe they just missed you because they had no one else they could ignore laugh .. KIDDING

Holidays seem to sugar up the Drama-llamas for whatever reason ... tis the season no?


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thanks, Cali, I definitely didn't ask for this.

I also think H thinks everything will just always be how it has always been except we won't be married. Well, he's in for a rude awakening.

Although, I will say, D was super upset that a bunch of people didn't come over tonight. I guess she didn't realize it was just going to be the three of us. She cried and was really sad about it. Last year we had 8 extra people. H took her to see his parents after dinner for a bit. When he came back he looked at me like I was some evil woman for keeping D from her grandparents on a national holiday. I wonder what he'll make my fault when it's not 'his year" to celebrate thanksgiving with her.

This holiday has made it so I'm around ah more and I feel like it's too much. I liked the distance we had and now we're back to seeing each other a lot and I don't like it.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Slow down, holidays have a way of dredging up old stuff that we then think we have to act on or those feelings color everything.

Your in-laws' anger is theirs to deal with. Don't take that on. Sometimes we have to have a boundary with unhealthy people in order for us to remain healthy.And the holidays are the best time to stay away from unhealthy people. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
Slow down, holidays have a way of dredging up old stuff that we then think we have to act on or those feelings color everything.

Your in-laws' anger is theirs to deal with. Don't take that on. Sometimes we have to have a boundary with unhealthy people in order for us to remain healthy.And the holidays are the best time to stay away from unhealthy people. smile



Labug, you stop by at juuuust the right times. I so needed to hear that I need to slow down and not let my work in reactivity be for naught. I needed that reminder today.

Boundary setting is something I intend to get very good at. I'll admit that scares me because even though I'm tough, I'm also a people pleaser... My ILs are precisely the kinds of people who need tight and copious boundaries lest they trample all over me.

It's something I really need to learn to do for myself across the board. When it came to my ILs I hoped H would stand up for me but no, somehow I usually ended up under the bus or the butt of a joke.

Leaning on myself has really done a lot for me. I'd love to learn how to non-b!tchily lay down a boundary that'll be respected even by the most pushy people. That feels like level: expert and I am still navigating level: novice. One step at a time.

I'm in hour 5 of my 9 hour shift working retail on Black Friday and I can barely remember my name let alone type on my phone but it's a good exercise.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Posts: 9,676
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OMG! Working Black Friday in retail should help with boundary setting. smile

On a more serious note, the great thing about boundary setting is, when you have strong boundaries you need very few. But don't expect people to immediately respect them. You have to defend them because if people weren't boundary crashers, we wouldn't need to state boundaries (if that makes sense).

DO NOT expect them to fall in line and immediately aquiesce.

It's your H's job to set your boundaries even with his parents. It might be nice if he helped defend them but we all need to be able to say what's damaging to us.

If you set boundaries with in-laws and he doesn't stand with you then that gives you more information.

((( )))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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