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Okabe Offline OP
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I was thinking about Thanksgiving coming up. We are celebrating with our families this weekend. We host and they'll all be coming by on Saturday. I cook the turkey and a side and they bring the rest.
Besides my wife and I there will really only be one person who knows about our troubles, my good friend who will be coming with his kids. We seem to be in this normal holding pattern. Just with out affection and "I love you"s.
Thinking about this made me realize how disengaged we'd become. I knew it in this last year, and I see that I was the only one even attempting to initiate even just a hug for the last 9 months. She did initiate a hug after I, and our boys, had been out of town for forth of July weekend and we came back.
I guess I always had trusted her to tell me if there was something wrong or to be honest with me when I asked (because I asked).
She, at this point, just seems to be resolved to go along like this. She just helps with the boys, takes care of her fish, and does her schoolwork.
I wonder how long (or what) it will take to move her into any action or change.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
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Okabe Offline OP
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On the upside I am going to take the boys to the movies tomorrow. My older son wants to see Mockingjay and I may take the younger one later to see Gaurdians of the Galaxy at the cheap theatre later.
A little GAL.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
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Okabe Offline OP
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It kind of [censored] sometimes. Her cell phone alarm was going off in the living room (set as a reminder to leave for school), she was still asleep, and I don't have her passcode so I could only make it snooze.
After the 3rd time it going off, I take it in to have shut it off. I wake her up, she takes care of it and goes back to sleep.
Looking at her really makes me want to ask for a hug. To cuddle. To be close. I don't, because I know it's not what I need to be doing right now. It is just hard sometimes.
Have a good Thanksgiving everyone.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
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Okabe Offline OP
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So it was kind of stupid.
I impulsively grabbed her and hugged her today as she was walking past. She didn't really hug back, but smiled and gave me a kiss. Then when it lingered longer she looked down and looked sad. I just smiled at her and said : "I know." And walked away.
I know I shouldn't have, but I just wanted the contact.
It's strange how she seems sadder than I am at this point. She tells me "I don't know" in regards to what she wants. Perhaps it is guilt.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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Hey Okabe. At least you know you shouldn't have b/c you know making W sad makes your sitch it worse. Right now... our presence easily makes them sad. I know where you are b/c I still live with my W too. I want to go down to the couch where she sleeps right now and hold her. I will not. Your need for contact... like my need for contact... has got to go up on the self and stay there until much much later. Let's be strong for our W's and our M's. Let's leave our W's alone and make sure they feel like we want to leave them alone.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
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Okabe Offline OP
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Thanks. It was impulsive.
I was thinking about it. While it was tolerated it is still not what I need. I need her to want that from me, not it to be tolerated by her for my sake.
I am so (lots of emphasis on so) used to being the person who takes charge and makes things move forward in our home, relationship, etc, that it becomes hard for me to let that go. She often is very passive in doing things. People ask what she want (it can be anything): "I don't know" or "I don't care. Anything is fine" are her stock answers. She is good at telling you if she doesn't want something, but being proactive in life: not so much. This is not just with me either, this is with family and friends. That is probably why I end up doing most of the stuff around the house.
In light of that I get fearful that she'll never tell me what she wants and she'll drag out this holding pattern indefinitely.
I know I need to let that go. Be proactive with myself. I am looking at some ACOA books to read for myself. My family has been in recovery for over 30 years, but who knows if there are some issues that are coming into play that I wasn't conscious of.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 155
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Okabe Offline OP
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Posts: 155
On the upside I do have some GAL progress. Although a lot will wait until after the holidays.
- Started a blog. 3 posts so far and will start promoting it at some point. (need to get my own laptop)
-Going to start bowling with my best friend on Sunday mornings.
-plan to go to 2 concerts in Chicago this spring. I may take the boys to one of them.
-Will hopefully start a new martial art after we shut down our small school.
-looking into hip hop dance lessons. I know someone who teaches, it will just be fitting it into the schedule.
- Have hotel reservations for 2 conventions that the boys and I will be going to next year (which I am really looking forward to). And maybe one more really big one to go to as well.

Feeling hopeful.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
I have a hard time letting go of my impulse to want to "fix" things. I can't do 180s on the stated issues because they are all things that will push her away (intimacy and affection).


What stated issues can you not do a 180?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Okabe Offline OP
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What stated issues can you not do a 180?
[/quote]

Well, I don't know if can't, but I am not sure how at this point in time.
The most stated issues have been in regards to me being not very affectionate (also how that relates to intimacy) and making her feel lonely while I am in the same room (ie: zoning out on the computer). This is what she states the main problems are/ have been and I can see that and don't disagree with her.
But if I am to detach, give her space and not glomp on to her (and in turn push her away) I can't really be affectionate (hold hands, give her hugs, etc) can I?
I have offered to do things with her to spend time together (to hopefully build closeness), but she has refused so far. I can follow her around since that would be pursuing..
I have done one thing which is to make sure I am giving her my full attention when she is talking to me about school or whatever. I stop what I am doing and look her in the eyes and fully engage. That is a bit of a 180 I guess (since I often was guilty of dividing my attention between her and the computer).
Perhaps I am going about this wrong. I have read the books. It just seems that I can't do a lot about the affection/ intimacy until she has decided that she is engaged in the marriage. If I am looking at this wrong please tell me.


M-44
W-44
Sons- 11&14
Married- 18
Together- 27
Separation mentioned- 9-29-14
Still together, but not "together"
"if you feel rotten and forgotten,
remember there'll be better days."
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
The most stated issues have been in regards to me being not very affectionate (also how that relates to intimacy) and making her feel lonely while I am in the same room (ie: zoning out on the computer). This is what she states the main problems are/ have been and I can see that and don't disagree with her.
But if I am to detach, give her space and not glomp on to her (and in turn push her away) I can't really be affectionate (hold hands, give her hugs, etc) can I?


I actually addressed this same topic right after you first started posting. If there has not been much improvement since you have tried being more affectionate, then she is simply bringing up old issues. Things are more serious, at this point. Over time, she has closed her heart to you. So now, YOU are the one who is not wanting to detach. YOU are the one wanting the affection and intimacy. YOU are scared to death and are holding her tighter b/c you are afraid of losing her.

You are not progressing b/c you do not want to do the necessary steps. You even admitted that when you try to initiate the affection/intimacy it is met with discomfort and you even felt she was simply tolerating your touch. She may have wanted it at one time, but she simply does not want you touching her NOW! How much plainer do you need it? She is not attracted to you. You have to do the detaching, giving her space, and the other 180's first........in order to draw her attraction back to you. This is not complicated. You are not wanting to do this, and you are trying to make it sound as if you don't understand. Everything has to start over, and at this point, in her heart she is not your wife nor lover. She is not your GF. She is not your friend. She is an acquaintance, (and if you play your cards right, she just may want to get better aquatinted).

Start doing what works now, instead of doing what you should have done before she closed her heart.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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