Hey there, thinking of you. I hope you find some joy in today. Hang in there!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
hi- i got all the books. haven't read any yet. my h emailed me saying he thought i detached emotionally from him because i was unhappy with him getting deployed before he left. and now he says he thinks he is detaching.
he closed the email saying "we need to get back to where we were before this happened". love, _ _ _ _
i'm starting to think he is insane. and it's driving me insane. i guess i better read those books.
Hi - glad to hear from you. Why do you think he is insane? If it was based on the email you cited, I may be missing something; it doesn't sound insane it sounds regretful and wishful for positive change.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am a civilian and have a brother who is in the air force. He works installing bombs and weapons on helicopters and airplanes. Some would say it is a easy job, some say it's the most stressful job.
Well, before my brother had his own love and family, I was his strength... many times while in college, I ran 15min to get to a phone booth to call him and listen to all his cries, his agony of being in harms ways.
I did not care of how many times he called me, I decide to love him unconditionally while he was far away. I decide to give and feel good about it. In response, he would love every time I called, every time I sent him messages of hope and courage, jokes to make him laugh and forget just for a bit how hard the reality of a dirt side of human being is hitting your face every day.
Step back and think that if you give love, you may receive love, be the part of life that make it worth living, because what he sees every day is what makes you feel there is no hope left.
I encourage you to take a deep breath and start working towards being the good part of your H life.
And please, understand that his mind is set for this kind of situation. Did you ever saw a horse race? Yeah, so think about your H when he is in his mission away from home that he is one of those horses, he won't distract or be distracted. Send him a note with good words, a drawing for D, a reminder that someone loves him here and that he will be back in your warm arms.
Be sexy, write about missing his kisses, his arms around you, tell him how much you miss him and how much you pray that time will go fast and he will be back to you.
Tell him how much you value what he is doing and how brave it is to give your life in order to give freedom for many others, including you and your family.
We all see the value in what your H is doing, and most of us understand that he is in harms way and that he needs to focus as much as he can so you will not get an american flag and a coffin to remember forever.
You ask for a civilian advice and I hope you do not get offended with my words. I did this to my brother, I helped him understanding that there would not be a lot of replies.
When he came back, we had many, many days to laugh about the silly things I did, wrote, draw. Anything to make him happy and remember to keep himself alive to come back to his family.
Have faith, if you are here is because you know you can do the heavy lift for your M right now, hang in there and be at your best.
Hugs. Pink
PS: By the way, I never regret what I did. I know I gave so much but I feel proud of myself now, I helped him to get through the tough times and came back alive.
i think he's insane because if you are 48 years old and you want to "get back to where we were before" all you have to do is start keeping in touch more often. life is short- there's no time for regretfulness. and he knows that. all i have asked for is a sign of life every few days. he is an officer who lives in a private container with wifi. he even has an office on the base. if you have time to open an email, you have time to write "i love you" and hit send. that is all i need. every few days. instead i get regretfulness and wishful for a positive change? this man married me a few years ago with the promise of caring for my needs. that is by his own ideas. we are both old enough and experienced enough to know how to be rational. for me, it means having patience about his situation and i do. but this is pushing me beyond understanding. which one of you could be recently married and promised a baseline of contact and getting nothing??? please tell me who amongst you could handle this emotional neglect? he is not 25 years old. i am not a nag. he has been gone for4 months and i have express my needs sweetly and very infrequently. in other words, i am not nagging him or giving him any reason not to want to call me or write more frequently. i am not a needy woman but this is driving me crazy. anyone who has time to go on amazon and order things, not just for himself but also for people in his unit. who has time to pick up their iPad/phone and press open, has time to drop his wife a quick text.
please don't tell me he doesn't. there's no explanation and i think he is crazy not to do such a simple thing and to take the time out to write that he thinks we should get back to where we were is ridiculous when all he has to do is connect to actually attain what he supposedly wants.
in re-reading imy venting up there i realized that the answer is so simple. i'm just pissed that my husband has a personality disorder and there's no advice that can help. nothing will change until after he gets home and we can go to counseling and then i can express all of this to him in person. if he has time to write a paragraph about how we need to get back to where we were, he is obviously avoiding saying anything that would reveal his emotions. and that's not just from being away on deployment. it's pretty much how he rolls even if he's in the next room. he withholds his emotions because he is afraid of the vulnerability. i get that. but it still doesn't take away the anger because he chose this deployment and i knew it would make everything worse in our marriage and it's so much worse than even i imagined. and yes, he chose to go away because his job wasn't showing him the love he needed. i am hurt and so resentful that even after i expressed my simple needs that he can't at least fake caring about them. i am resentful that i married someone who is withholding because really, every woman needs emotional caring from their husband or else why get married in the first place? and the funny thing is that he is much more needy than i ever was. he basically forced me to feel this way and then left. and i have no outlet for this because i don't want to make him feel bad while he's away. so i'm really screwed here. have a nice day everyone.
I really want to reply to this but don't have the time at the moment. You probably won't like what I have to say. Start with dropping YOUR resentment and anger and go from there. I will respond later.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
if i knew how to "drop MY resentment and anger" i wouldn't have this issue or be here, would i? nobody would want to feel this way. don't bother to respond if YOUR attitude is going to be like that. it's simplistic and not helpful. and also, as you can see, putting things in ALL CAPS feels like an attack. and i really don't want that kind of response. i'm here to vent. i'm upset and frustrated. if you can respond kindly, great. if not…move on. thanks.
It's so hard to see from your side of it. I also got to the point where my H and I resented each other so much for so long over so many things that it seemed impossible to recover. For H it was. For me, now, after lots of IC, reading, and learning here on DB, I know it is possible, rare but possible, to just put your dukes down, drop the scorecard, and work on your own side of things.
Not only does it make you stronger and more attractive, it also is a far better way to draw H back to you than by trying to make him see things your way.
What I saw in your H's email was that he is drifting from you, that's how I read wanting to get back to before. If so, it does seem like DBing for you now could be the thing that saves your marriage, and you.
I hope you get some more advice from some of the longtimers here; I'm not as good at it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
i think he's a stubborn sh*thead. here's today's email, after he didn't respond to any of my 1 or 2 line emails over the past week.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm travelling to - - - - - - stan tonight for about 7-10 days.
I will email you from there and will keep in touch to let you know that I'm ok.
Luv your husband,
- - - -
most people would think this is such a nice, normal email. and it is, if it wasn't one of about 4 emails i have gotten in 4 months. the fact is that he won't keep in touch. he won't email me from there. he won't let me know that he's ok. and he didn't even spell out love. i hate luv. and he knows it. oh whatever. i'm beyond rationale at the moment. eff him! going out tonight to try and remember what i was like before i felt so crappy.
