Moving Out but moving on?

[jim0987]

Happy birthday.

Been away for a few days so catching up.

Glad the move went OK. How you feeling about the new place now?

Remember you don't have to listen to her being angry at you.

[edz]

Back on the PC so catch up on what’s been going on.

Well, working from the new home today, started off sunny today.
So I'm moved in, new broadband is now up (after some fun with Virgin Media but they resolved that) next is the remaining paperwork on any marks and blemishes and sorting out the utilities at the old place and here.

Almost finished sorting out S's new room gone for a much more heading towards being a teen design which I know S loves from him popping around the other day.

Speaking of which this was my birthday and W/S came round to pick me up to take me out to dinner. W hasn’t been sleeping well as she's not having a good time with her work, may be other issues but she's not talking and apart from friendly concern I'm not digging. She was exceedingly quiet and looked particularly angry, I suspect this was connected to the House as I already have it way into habitable and getting toward the cosy way I want it additionally it’s a nice place reasonably quiet (although you can hear the main road 1/4 mile away and so can hear the odd siren etc. and the odd train horn though that’s more pleasing than irritating its mostly silent a departure from the apartment) I also suspect she's thinking great, he does this know after I've wanted to move for two years - she's also hated living in the flat for the past few years due to noise, connections to her mum and neighbour issues.

Anyway once I asked and was told nope nothing wrong (expected) I just showed S around, his room and the rest of the place. We chatted and just played around; W didn’t really want to know and refused drinks etc. They brought me a birthday gift (I'd refused it the day before and just took my cards as I wanted S to be there when I opened it - also wanted W to be there of course).

Anyway W drove us to the restaurant and we had a nice meal, she chilled during it enjoying herself and even agreed to split the cheese board with me at the end over coffee (too much for one really) S was getting tired and a little irritable (was after 8 by now and W keeps him going all day, most days) but the new me was on full display, not angry, no temper loss, just talked and the odd hug (W still refuses to see he's being affected and is emotional due to all this - she just continues to blame me for previously pushing him away, she has a point of course but I've never denied this and have constantly said to both of them I’m sorry for that, I own my mistakes and I'm not behaving that way anymore). So then they dropped me back and I called my dad for a long chat, was possibly going to go up near him to go to Ikea yesterday but by the time I straightened the "office" up in the morning getting it ready for work today and then got out, ordered S's new bed etc. I got home yesterday evening at about 6.

So here I am, still have a lot to do, financial issues (W has restructured her debt but I note the lower payment is still, you guessed it, going to come out of the main account this month - this one I can’t win this month and I’m too tired to battle it before Christmas, I'll note the amounts and in January bring it up again)

Eventually W will have to face up to her new financial issues, she wanted me to move into a house, agreed that all she wanted was support for S and nothing from herself - that’s not what she's doing. She has said she can’t handle the bills herself but then goes and buys S a PS3 for the apartment (as I took mine with me and he can play it here) she's either torn on what she wants, is full on cake eating or wants to be apart from me but doesn’t want to give up her 24/7 time with S, she needs to figure out what but she can’t look to me to service all our debt and fund her lifestyle.

In myself I've felt quite positive but I've also been exhaustingly busy physically and mentally, in the space of a week I sorted out insurance, signed the lease, finished packing, tidied the old place (still nothing from MIL as expected), moved, unpacked, organised the new place, sorted internet access, arranged repairs with landlord and will have S's room 90% done (can’t afford a new bedside table this month as I can’t find one under £40 and money is TIIIGHHHTT) and pruning the 1000+ emails I’ve received in the last week at work.

W is still saying she has no intention of getting in my way with S but her actions still show otherwise. At dinner we spoke about his card event this weekend (Friday night) while he visited the bathroom we talked about me taking him out Friday night, him staying, me having him Saturday and him going back Saturday night as he has yet another event on Sunday (W was obstinate that I couldn’t take him back Sunday morning as they need to go out first thing - I’m willing to bet this will mean 11 and she just can’t face not having him 2 nights in a row) anyway seemed a good starting point and something to build on.

Yesterday she texted me (still on this kick - she has ignored all my requests not to discuss this via text or email, starting next week if she texts on such matters I will call her back but not reply via messaging) to say since the bed wasn’t sorted yet why didn’t I just have him Saturday in the day and give me some time to sort it out. Went back to say no issues with the bed it would be sorted by Friday so I'll pick him up for his card event as per our conversation. Then found a store that could deliver (turned out having the "industrial" area nearby was handy an independent furniture stockist had exactly what I wanted in an inexpensive bed and mattress (a good starting point - I can upgrade later) and they will "walk deliver" on Friday morning (its less than 1/4 mile away). Sent W a message this morning to confirm everything and whether she wants me to make him dinner before we go tomorrow evening, heard nothing.

May be reading it wrong but it seems like now I'm not making him "unsure" (see first thread), the flat cant "upset" him as she now lives in it and there’s no disruption to "upset" him (packing / unpacking - not that she worried about him being upset when she came round to see what I was taking with him in tow) she's scrabbling for another excuse to stop him staying.

We shall see where this goes but I have said I want to sit down and work this out as he needs to have consistency as do I and W needs to book around that and not take his every waking moment to appease her friends for playdates every day of the week. I'm avoiding conversation on reconciliation, relationship or the future for now but - as I said in an earlier thread - my internal line in the sand is next June - if W hasn’t moved anything on by then I feel if I’m in the right emotional state I will have to kick things on formally as I don’t want to be left dangling. Obviously I don’t want that, I'll offer counselling etc. and any work W thinks needs to happen but she needs to decide her direction - she's drifting at the moment and just behaving as if this is fine indefinitely. Well, apart from complaining that I've taken (insert object here) pointed out she initially said she didn’t want anything, then she didn’t help with any of the packing so there will be some bits that I got wrong but they're not an issue. When she came round to the house she complained I have all the furniture so it’s easy for me - again pointed out that at the 11th hour she said she wanted to keep the dining table and chairs (in retrospect a good thing as it would be difficult to fit here) In fact apart from the bed (which she said cripples her) and the coffee table (which I’m paying for) I split everything else including taking the worse of the two sofas, left all the white goods (I purposefully picked somewhere that had built in replacements) and even cleaned the flat and moved the stage about for her as she had mentioned to me previously. For her to then bring up pepper mills, coffee machines that had been in the garage for 8 years etc. just feels like she can’t criticise anything else to me and it does still hurt even if I don’t show it.

So anyway that’s a dump for today now that I’m not reliant on my phones - sometimes interesting - interpretation of spelling!

Love to hear back on whether I’m handling these things right or overanalysing / mind reading. Really just want to get myself "nested" now, get some homey touches in and much as I’m dreading it, things ready for Christmas. Which reminds me W brought up trees since S has shown asthma this year but S seemed a little upset about that but W said she couldn’t deal with getting a real one in and set up. I just carried on with S at this point as I won’t be provoked into saying this is her idea much as I may feel it. I have the room so may go for a real tree I will speak to S about it and see what he would like as its for him really - know he's got a kick out of helping design his room so this will be another boost as he gets to have a say in what we have rather than it following a "grand design"!

Cheers all

[edz]

So S's bed turned up, all set up in there now. Got a bedside table from Argos last night and built it ready. Let's see what excuse I get from W next!

[jim0987]

Hi edz

Just reading through your update and I have to say there is a noticeable increase in positivity with your new place. That's really good - your making it yours and that's got to be good from both a DB perspective (I'm not doing well on this at the moment) and from a taking care of yourself side. They are the same thing really but its good.

And hopefully with the move you can really start to detach a lot more.

I'm pleased things are getting better

[South74]

Edz
Glad the move went well and that your getting things you want for your new place .
South1974

[edz]

Thanks guys. mixed couple of days had s from 6 last night to 6 today. usual situation that now I'm back by myself and feeling the loneliness a luttle heavily tonight. Sure ill feel a little better tomorrow. Will post am update on what's been going on then hope youre both ok and doing well.

[edz]

Feel emotionally drained cold and tired tonight. heading for an early night in bed with the tv. I hope it all feels less oppressively lonely tomorrow. night all..

[edz]

Well after an early night, a lie in this morning a long delay quing up to pick up my sons christmas present and spending a small fortune on the weeks shopping I got back today and cooked a lamb dinner.

So now a good portion of the way into a bottle of red wine I;ve got some time to sit down and update the thread.

So last few days, friday picked up S and we went to his card event, brought him back to the house, he loved his room and had a good night. We had a nice breakfast saturday and went off to my dads, he let me know he'd bought a new microwave / combi oven recently and was happy for me to have the previous one since its almost new but a little too small for what he needed. This was brilliant as W wanted to keep the one from the flat so S and I went up there Saturday after breakfast.

Was a nice day but S was off out on Sunday on a suprise quadbike day so he had to go back to W fairly early. Managed to keep him for dinner time and then took him back.

Was shattered after the move, working and a late end friday/early start saturday so crashed out and was asleep fairly early only woken up by a cat being rather sick - yay.

Having the shower tray replaced tomorrow and the floor fixed tuesday so working from home again mo/tue but back in the office from wednesday which will be nice to be around other people.

Been invited to christmas do on the 18th which i'll be going to.

Feeling very lonely it must be said. Still get no idea from W as to what she wants - if she's still thinking about the future or just wants to be out of the marriage. Got asked by someone at work if I was interested in going on a date with her sister but that's not anything I'm ready to think about yet even if W isnt interested in a future.

As I've said my line in the sand is June, if she doesnt decide by then I'll have to see what I think will be for the best.

Doesnt change how alone I feel though, even if its in a place on my terms.

[edz]

Another day another issue, after I hauled my sorry behind out of bed early for the plumber to come before 8 he didnt, had a call that the engineer coming got sidelined by a leak thats taken a ceiling down. I can understand that but its a pain to resort my week to be in (landlord can let him in but Im still funny about people being in without me around)

Anyway nothing from W, she's posting old pictures of S on facebook from ~2010 which made me feel sad as its a picture taken in my old home office with all our now split belongings on the shelves together. I dont for one second think she planned it to do that - I dont suspect she thought about me at all - but it shows how raw I still am in some places.

Still have some house things to do including switching energy suppliers and sorting out some bank details but working at the moment so they'll have to wait.

My GAL has centered around the house since about the 18th of November but with the exception of the office and my bedroom (which I didnt want to spend too much time on until this blasted ensuite is sorted) its getting there and Im hitting a limit on what I can do without more money (of which there is now little). Got S's main present and starting on his stocking contents and bits for the holiday generally (chocolate money, christmas foods that can be frozen etc) Ive picked up a card for W (not as romantic as I would normally but still saying wife) and made the decision I will buy her a gift but I'll keep it at "family" rather than partner level.

So still ticking on, sometimes Im ok sometimes feeling hollow and tired and cold. I do feel like it's all a bit much to carry at times, W has S a lot more than me so doesnt have to feel the time alone, since she's still HE at the moment there's also not much chance of that changing at least until her work situation changes (her manager has had enough - non justifyably really as she has not managed W's situation and just ignored it with the hope of replacing her or getting her to work full time in a part time role - typical bad management really and W is now seeking redeployment within the organisation which I think will be a good move)

So I carry on, I keep wondering should I just give up and tell W thats it Im going to find someone new but the problem there is I still want her, still see a future with the 3 of us together that would work so much better with the lessons we've all learned. But until and unless she's receptive to trying which doesnt seem likely right now, that's just not an option.

I suppose I feel trapped between not wanting to "drop the rope" and give up on that future but feeling like I dont want to be alone either. What a rubbish end to the year to face

[edz]

Aaaaand another long evening of the soul. Starting to get a better handle on it but keep wondering what W is up to and then get cross with myself for mind reading and going there.

One difference I havent texted, emailed, facebooked or contacted her although every fibre of my being wants to.