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LouR Offline OP
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Oh my day just gets better - not

H just rang - bank refused loan so can we sort out a payment plan between us - ahhhhhh; well at least he offered alternative I suppose, thank goodness I am not relying on it, it was a bonus payment from him so I did not count on it.

I am guessing he owes too much already - but on his wages, he should have been fine - the slope is getting slippier.

Talked to him about FIL - he said he would sort it. That he had cleared it with them and doesn't know what they are talking about. Yeah yeah - all I was hearing is blah blah blah by then.

Then he informs me that s20 (who lives down the road from him) has ditched uni and decided to get a full time job to support his g/f and her kids ..... he sounds like he is turning into a mini h - can 20yr olds have a YLC ??!! Apparently s20 said he had cleared it with me - hmmm, I must have been asleep for that conversation -

So all my hopes and dreams now rest on s17 being normal wink No pressure.

Rant over - back to doing my sums and thanking my lucky stars for all the good things I have in my life - and for him releasing me from the toxic world that he is now living in.

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Well, maybe after some time in the work world S20 will decide to go back to school. He's at an age where the divorce may really be throwing him for a loop.

Just be there as a sounding board. And set an example by getting your own act together financially.

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Thanks kml,

We have to be separated for 2yrs before we can divorce here, so I still have 18 months to go. No exceptions. I don't know which of us will be the one to file .... depends if I have closed the door - he told me he has.

S20 is just playing games at the moment - using the situation to his advantage. Its a game I don't want to play so I have backed off him a bit, allowing him to live his life as he wants it. He tried to get a new laptop out of me last week - he can try all he wants, the answer is still no!

He has started telling me one thing and his dad the opposite - he told me the other day that he tells me the truth and his dad what he wants to hear, and then told his dad the same thing but the opposite way around - So now neither of us know what the true version is - how are we supposed to co-parent him when neither of us know which one of us has the correct facts !!

Unfortunately he seems to take after his dad where finances are concerned - not surprising when he sees dad living it up and flashing the cash - not exactly a good example to him.

I have my side of things set - I just really need to get a job now, get saving - wow, savings, that will be really fantastic.
Hopefully it won't take long to get work once I have moved.

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LouR Offline OP
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Just read back over some of the links Cadet sent to me at the start -

My judgement and thoughts were challenged today by a friend - I know she is looking out for me and my wellbeing and interests, but it made me question if I am being a mug, or just not accepting that my marriage is over and that he is sane and was just unhappy - as IL suggested to me.

Re-reading the posts I still believe my h is having a MLC and confirmed to me that I want to try and be his lighthouse.

I know I need to give him space to go on his journey and give myself space to reset, grow and regain my power that I freely gave to him.

I do not contact him, I do not ask anything of him, I do not expect anything from him. I have told him that I will always be here if he needs me. When he contacts me I do not talk r, I answer short and keep on point. All the things I have been advised to do here.

So my question is: Do I stay dark while I am away, let him contact me if/when he wants to or do I contact him periodically, saying hi, shining the light.

My current plan is to be away for around 10 months -

Even if we don't make it through this together, he will still need a friend if/when he wakes and I want to make sure he knows he has one.


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There are no times lines for MLC, and no expectation that they will make it through. Some do and some don't. And frankly while we can make things 'worse' arguably, we cannot make things better,

All MLCers seem to say they have been unhappy for years. And in their current state it has its own truth - but the evidence of external reality usually suggests otherwise. It is known that when people are depressed they cannot imagine any other way of being, and some believe that MLC is a form of covert depression with the escapist behaviours being attempts to deal with it.

I prefer to believe we were happy and that my xh is in MLC. But as I have already said, he left nine years ago. he isn't happy, but he hasn't dealt with any of his issues, and by now I do not think he ever will. And we were very very happy - from my perspective. So while I would not advise giving up hope, please have no expectations of how long it takes and whether the outcome will be positive.

The only thing I would say is do not judge them. It is tempting to do this when people behave with cruelty and deception towards their families, and put new people in their life first.

Maintain boundaries, and get on with you own life. If he comes through it it will be hard for you both, and you may find your new life is so compelling that you will be the one to decide you do not want him back.

You seem like such a brave person, and you will be fine.

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Lou,
Bea is correct, there are not set time lines for MLC. It will take as long as it takes. Some are short, others long and then there are those exceptions where they stay in MLC for the rest of their lives. No one knows which ones will survive. It all depends on the individual, their personality, childhood issues and whether they can face those issues and realize that they were not at fault for those issues. Again, no set time line, as well as they don't do one stage at a time. They can bounce back and forth through anger, replay, depression and withdrawal for many months, even years.

The person you love is still stuffed deep down within his soul, but the "foo" issues have bubbled to the surface and they need to be resolved. You can love the person, but you don't have to like their behavior and trust me, the behavior can be rather ugly at times.

As for remaining NC when you relocate, we generally advise posters to have contact w/the spouse only in emergencies and to discuss the children and/or finances. He'll know where you are and how to get in touch w/you if he needs you. They don't generally remain quiet for a long time.

Continue to maintain your boundaries and live your life as if he may not return. Who knows what the future holds for you. Bea is right, you may find that your new life is wonderful and exciting and you may not want him back. Yes, ultimately, you will be the one to determine if you want him back, if and when he comes to you and asks to reconcile.

You are going to be fine. I know the unknown looks scary right now, but you sound like a very grounded lady who knows what she needs to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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LouR Offline OP
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Thank you B and job for your advice - once again wise words from you both.

I suppose I am just clinging on to hope.

I do feel like I have lost everything familiar to me and now I am about to become an empty nester too. So many changes in my life in such a short space of time, it catches up on me sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by it all and start wishing - and I know wishing gets me nowhere -

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LouR Offline OP
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Just had a couple of down days in which I dived into the pool of doom and gloom. It was after he called - just hearing his voice and what he had to tell me.

I did sink really low, even thought about contacting him a couple of times as he was always my "go to guy" but I resisted temptation, distracted and kept telling myself it will pass; this phase will pass. It took all I had to stay focused on this new path, but I have made it through. I kept re reading all that everyone had written to me here which really helped me stay focused.

This morning woke up feeling much calmer, still really sad inside but less of the spinning thoughts of " what happened to us/him" and "what am I going to do" and 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and "I just want him to come home".

I am so glad that I did not contact him, it would have been the worst thing ever, it would have just kept me in the phase for longer and solved nothing.

I dont know what else to write, everything seems -blah - like I am living in a life that is not mine - weird huh.

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Hi, Lou,

I'm sorry your last couple of days have had you feeling down. What a difference a day can make, huh?

I can relate to everything you just wrote.

I like the way you handled the feelings. Reminding yourself that the temptation will pass.

Writing helps me sort through this mess. If you find yourself needing to write, and don't have much to say? Throw anything out there. Sometimes it's nice to have a little break from the emotions and advice....we've had threads that evolved into other topics that became quite entertaining. smile

Discussions and opinions, stuff about the kids, in-laws, or some hot guy someone saw, celebrity crushes, even some cute boots we just bought. grin

The point is, we're all here for each other.


What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?

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LouR Offline OP
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Thanks Shining.

Since all this began I have become a journalling junkie - in the beginning I could write pages and pages; getting it all out of my head and on to paper truly saved my sanity !! I have now resorted to keeping my journal on my laptop because it was costing me a fortune in pens and paper lol.

As for what things I like doing - yeah, thats a question I have been asking myself for the past 6 months - I feel I need inspiration as I really don't have a clue what I like and who I am anymore. My new thought is to be open to anything, give it a try - see what clicks.

All the things I used to like doing, I don't anymore - may be its a reminder of my past life thats caused it. We met young so I had not really formed any passions or likes for anything in particular - h and my boys were my life - a traditional stay at home mum/HW. I enjoyed all the "at home" things, gardening, cooking, sewing, paper crafts - I got in to pumpkin carving for charity for a few years, even got a website for them, but have lost interest in it all.

I have started writing a bucket list, travel and other. Crossed two off in the past few months:

To buy a designer dress that cost more than everything in my wardrobe (which wasn't hard as I only ever bought sale or 2nd hand clothes) - the dress is my Happy Day dress - the day I am truly at peace with myself and him - hopefully will still fit in it by then as I suspect its going to be a long while yet !!

The other was to visit a psychic. I have friends that are avid believers and it has always intrigued me - so they persuaded me to go; well, I am open to it, take it with a pinch of salt and feel, what happens happens, plus she is cheaper than therapy!! Well, all I can say is that she gave me a 6 month reading and has been pretty spot on with everything - including names of people who will come in to my life -

So I went back to see her last week for another reading before I leave - WOW !! I'm in for an interesting 18months lol. I will have to listen back to the dvd, as it was quite full!

So next on the list is to have Tea at the Ritz - perhaps that can be when I wear my Happy Day dress :o)

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