One thing that drives me bonkers (yeah, so maybe this is about ME more than it is about YOU, Razr) is the impatience of people who are sitting relatively pretty in their positions around here.
Dude, chill. Take a deep breath. And count your blessings.
Marathon. Not a sprint.
Marathon. Not a sprint.
Marathon. Not s sprint.
Memorize that. Make it your mantra.
A "beta" male would say, "Hey, Honey, Darling, Lover. Go do what you need to do! I understand! I've been a terrible H. Go get what you need from OM, and I'll be here, waiting for you if/when you change your mind and want me ... or even while you're making up your mind IF you want me! Need a backrub? Wanna snuggle after you've been with OM? That's what I'm here for!"
An "alpha" male might tell his W to take a hike while he goes out looking for a piece of, well, you know, himself ...
A strong, noble, loving, honorable man doesn't classify himself as either "alpha" or "beta" ... because he's BOTH.
Allow her time to process and figure things out. Listen to her when she's respectfully sharing her feelings. Validate those feelings when warranted. But if she's speaking nonsense? Ignore it. Or outright tell her you won't listen to nonsense. If she criticizes you for something, and it STINGS you to hear it, take note of what she said ... take it to heart. And work to change it.
Meanwhile, don't.be.a.doormat. Don't be her whipping post. That's the worst choice a man could make. It is soooooooo weak and unattractive, even - in fact, ESPECIALLY - for a woman who is trying to tear you down (to lift herself up). Continue to GAL. MAKE fun for yourself. Demand that of - and FOR - yourself.
I know it's easier on "this" side for me to offer that advice. But all I can say is if I knew then what I know now (while my H is sleeping soundly beside me on the couch), I would have made even MORE sure I was taking care of me ... and caring EVEN LESS about the final-outcome of my M. I would realize, even more than I did then, that I have little-to-no control over my then-WAH. I would realize that *I* am the cake. And he is the frosting. Cake is better with frosting. But cake, alone, is pretty freaking awesome.
Serve papers schmerve schmapers. You're not ready to do that. Don't be silly. Don't be REACTIVE. Take the "C" out of that word, and put it at the front of the word. All a sudden, you have "CREATIVE."
Being reactive only digs your hole deeper.
Don't try to control your W. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Simmer down, buddy. Simmmmmmmmer down.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, this is why I post on here now before I make any decisions. Thank you. I couldn't sleep and was up at 1:30am. Some decent sleep, some coffee, and the cold light of day (and your reply) made all the difference.
I know it's a marathon. And I know we are months away from either one of us making any decisions about our M, and I know that she's engaged in MC. If she's lying about giving us a few months, then nothing will happen until January at the earliest, because she doesn't want to ruin Christmas for our Ds.
I feel like in general I'm doing good at detaching, but it could always be better. Need to beef up the GAL a bit, but I'm doing a good job at pulling back from her while keeping things light and friendly. She's noticed the changes, she's told me. If there's any affection, she reaches out to me now. A spontaneous stroke of my beard last night; during which I joked about petting a cat backwards. She gives me a quick kiss when she leaves for work (she leaves before me in the morning), a quick kiss and an ILY when we lay down at night. (Which she initiates). I know that she's not physically seeing the OM, since he lives so far away, so I don't worry about that.
I've heard and recounted in this thread her stated reasons for why she doesn't trust me and is no longer attracted to me. They're not out of left field. The bottom line though is that she's 43 and feels her sexual value slipping away (she's still very attractive). She wants to trade up to a "better" mate while she can still get one. It's as cold as that. She may not even consciously think of it that way, but that's what this is really about. She "knows" intellectually that this particular OM is not really available to her, but intellectualism is not her strong suit, especially right now. I just know that not drawing a harder line on this will erode whatever respect she still has for me. Left unaddressed there will be another OM somewhere down the line, and that one won't live 800 miles away.
But that cuts both ways. I've been gaining my alpha back for the last few months, physically and emotionally. As she feels her sexual value slipping away, I feel mine returning. I know I can go out and find a better mate than what I have right now. When I think about that, it makes me want to go ahead and draw a hard line. If she gets mad and wants to D, so be it. She'll be giving up someone awesome if she leaves, but she hasn't realized that yet. I'm at the point now where I'm no longer afraid to lose her, even though it's not what I want. That said, I know I'm still trying to control the outcome too much
But ultimately, I want us to rediscover each other. And I do know for that to happen, I need to give her time to handle OM her way.
Last edited by Rzrback; 11/27/1402:58 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Train gives you some really good advice. As one of those who is in a relatively good position compared to many here: I get your impatience. I really do. I want to fix and have it fixed now, but I can't. Reading Train's advice to you reminds me of that as well. Don't worry about Alpha and Beta labels. Just worry about being a good man. That does not mean you need to listen to her talk or support her in anyway about the OM. Draw your boundaries there and stick up for yourself. It is going to be a long journey (something that I am trying to come to terms with myself) . So work on yourself. Be someone you want to be. Hope you have a good Turkey day.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Basically when she mentions OM, my stock answer is, "you'll figure things out". I'm not dismissing her, but I'm not going to be drawn into a discussion about him. I've stopped mentioning him myself, which is something I have a very hard time doing. Wonka pointed out something which hit home with me; My W and I get along fabulously until I allow myself to get worked up about OM and then things go downhill.
Still working on myself. I know you are too.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Yeah here you Rzr. But I think you'll need a stronger stock response when your W mentions OM to you. Don't let her treat you like a friend. She must know you decided that she cannot disrespect you by seeing or talking about OM. You are standing up for your family... That's how you support her. Show her. There is a great post from sandi near the end if my thread about the level if support you should give her now.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Rzr ... yeah .. Train is spot on. As bad as your sitch is ... you still get the ILY??!!! Dude ... like she said .. chill.
Thing is, Keep your focus on YOU. work the Trifecta PMA, 180, Detach. She is currently chasing OM in that fog she has found herself in.... you need to flip that around and get that fish to chase a different lure. Pointing that lure out, talking about that other lure ... well .. you get where I am going here. It does nothing but keep her mind on that lure. There will come a time you can share how much hurt you are in, as a man ... a man that your W would want .. you have to swallow that one for now. I was where you are... well maybe worse. my W left .. still gone.. I found this place late, but think I would have still made the same mistakes before the light went on a little dimly.
The past month I discovered something .. maybe it will help you here. This Alpha Beta thing .. its similar. For me to get a grip, I basically realized I have two personalities ... in a way created them to deal. I have the hurt little boy, and I have the man I want to be, the one I am working on, one who was lost with I recieved the BD. This man is Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, whoever you want. So ... before I react I ask myself .. who is reacting here... that hurt snotty little boy, or Clint, I allow them to react and respond internally, but I only allow Clint to speak for me. Is this crazy, am I crazy .. you damn right it is and I am ... but I can not tell you the change that happened when I embraced this, the peace I have achieved.
You can not do a thing about what your W is doing with OM, you can however create a better lure ... do that ... GAL 180 Detach .. allow your hurt little boy to speak, here, in your head .. but only for a time when you know John Wayne would tell him to STFU. Then .. let it go, and walk tall.
Thing is, Keep your focus on YOU. work the Trifecta PMA, 180, Detach. She is currently chasing OM in that fog she has found herself in.... you need to flip that around and get that fish to chase a different lure. Pointing that lure out, talking about that other lure ... well .. you get where I am going here. It does nothing but keep her mind on that lure. There will come a time you can share how much hurt you are in, as a man ... a man that your W would want .. you have to swallow that one for now. I was where you are... well maybe worse. my W left .. still gone.. I found this place late, but think I would have still made the same mistakes before the light went on a little dimly.
The past month I discovered something .. maybe it will help you here. This Alpha Beta thing .. its similar. For me to get a grip, I basically realized I have two personalities ... in a way created them to deal. I have the hurt little boy, and I have the man I want to be, the one I am working on, one who was lost with I recieved the BD. This man is Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, whoever you want. So ... before I react I ask myself .. who is reacting here... that hurt snotty little boy, or Clint, I allow them to react and respond internally, but I only allow Clint to speak for me. Is this crazy, am I crazy .. you damn right it is and I am ... but I can not tell you the change that happened when I embraced this, the peace I have achieved.
You can not do a thing about what your W is doing with OM, you can however create a better lure ... do that ... GAL 180 Detach .. allow your hurt little boy to speak, here, in your head .. but only for a time when you know John Wayne would tell him to STFU. Then .. let it go, and walk tall.
Yeah, I still get ILY, and some occasional spontaneous touch from her, so I guess I'm better off than a lot of folks.
Thanks CaliGuy. I let sleep deprivation and despair get the better of me last night. That's why I post on here before I say anything to my W. As long as she keeps the talk away from OM I'll be upbeat and friendly with her (but not initiate affection or ILY). I just need to get better at telling her to go call her girlfriend if she wants to talk about OM. She will s**t test me, but she always has, from the beginning of our marriage. It's about time to start passing some of those again.
Interesting that you mentioned Clint Eastwood. I may need to go re-watch "Heartbreak Ridge" to renew some purpose :-)
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
