My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

Journaling a little: I got great sleep last night and woke up totally refreshed and feeling much better physically. Kids are watching the grinch and I'm having coffee. In a little while we're going to walk down to our local greasy spoon with the double stroller and have brunch/lunch.
I feel very optimistic right now. Just a few days ago I couldn't stop crying so this is a big change. Every time I think about my H though and how it seems like he's ignoring me/us, I feel down, but I'm trying to just push those thoughts out of my mind. H was supposed to come over today to see the kids but I made plans with friends to go to the city tomorrow for dinner, so he's coming tomorrow instead. I used to go to the city a lot before I was married and even lived there at one point when I was single, so I'm excited to go and reconnect with some of the things I used to enjoy. I think I'm probably a city girl at heart.

[Georgiabelle]

Lorelai,

I'm sorry you find yourself here and this board is a wonderful support system. You have such young kids and that is challenging in itself. It also sukks that you are sick. Hope you feel better soon and the little peeps don't get sick.

Cadet gave you the goods. Detach. Focus on you and your kids. I know you are in pain and the reality is your M as you know it is over. Actually, it was over a while ago and for your h, the BD was his official announcement to let you know. I don't say that to hurt you. I didn't like hearing it either a d it didn't take long for me to figure out that it was 100% true. This doesn't mean you can't rebuild a new R with your H and your life can be wonderful regardless of the outcome.

Take the focus off him. You have 2 kids who are such wonderful ages. You can never get this time back. And I think it's great you are doing some work on your career. It's a challenging road and you will pull through.

Hang in there:-)

[Lorelai]

Thanks GB. I am totally approaching this as making changes for myself and my kids, not H. Regardless of whether he comes back, I want to have my career in place and be making my own money. I hope that doesn't sound bitter or harsh. But I want to protect myself. I want to be in a position of being able to support myself and the kids no matter what happens. If we were to ever reconcile, I would want to be prepared financially, should he BD again.
But see, the fact that I don't think I can ever trust him again tells me my marriage is definitely over.
You're right, this is a great age for my kids. My 18 month old just toddled into the room carrying a bunch of play balls (way too many for her size) and fell over on the carpet with them, the looked around smiling and acting as if she meant to do that! Cracked me up.

[Lorelai]

I had such a fun time with my kids today. It was really nice outside for this time of year, so we walked to go get brunch and had a great time. My son has such a good sense of humor and all the servers at our neighborhood diner adore him. D1.5 was extremely well-behaved too, which was a bonus because she's at an age when it's tough to go places sometimes.

When we got home though, D1.5 was running in the hallway with S3 and slipped and hit her mouth on the hardwood floor. At first, I thought it wasn't too bad, but then I saw her mouth was bleeding. Initially, it looked a lot worse than it ended up being, so I called H to let him know I might take her to urgent care to have it looked it. He didn't answer his cell, but called a little while later. By then it was pretty obvious that she didn't need stitches. Her poor little lip will be swollen for a couple of days though. But H could have cared less. He got off the phone really fast. He's coming tomorrow to see the kids, but I have no idea when. We never finalize times for visitation, then in between him seeing the kids, he doesn't call or really communicate with us. I guess that's just the reality of separation and I'm trying to remain detached, but it's still very hard.

[Maybell]

It's hard at first but with hard work, GAL, and PMA, you can make that stuff his problem and not yours.

Sorry your little sweetie got a busted lip. Glad she's ok!

Sending hugs.

[Lorelai]

Crying again alone in the bedroom while H plays with the kids in the living room. At least I've got coffee in here with me. H just got through yelling at me hysterically in front of the children because he didn't like the way I expressed that I needed help this morning with the kids. I wasn't sarcastic, but I know I was a little stressed because D1.5 was extremely fussy and I couldn't do anything to console her, then S3 spied his Halloween bucket up on a high shelf in the cabinet and asked if he could have a sucker. I gave him one, and then of course, D1.5 wanted one too, but we're not letting her have suckers yet because of the choking hazard. Basically a huge tantrum ensued, and I'm honestly not dodging my own responsibility for the argument but I can't remember exactly what I said. I try always to keep my emotions in check lately, so I know while I didn't say anything nasty, I probably said something in a stressed tone. All I remember next is my husband cornering me in the hallway and yelling in my face that when he's here and I'm here he can't do things the way he wants because it's always my way and that's why he wasn't jumping in to help and that's the way it's always been in our marriage. That was an extremely useful piece of information. I wish his delivery had been a little nicer.
Still, I do think that wanting to always be in control is something I probably need to work on whether we stay M or not. H did apologize for yelling once he calmed down, but I still had to go into the bedroom and cry a little. I feel better writing this out.

To Maybell: Thank you for the hugs and advice. My daughter is much better today, just a little swollen.

Looking forward to a GAL activity tonight—dinner with friends in the city. I might even try to head out a little early and do some shopping.

[Lorelai]

Um, I just did a 180 out of nowhere that shocked me and certainly seemed to shock H. As I was sitting in the bedroom composing myself after the argument, I had it set in my mind that I would drive into the city a little earlier today and maybe go shopping and just enjoy some time to myself. I was looking forward to it, and still am looking forward to meeting with my friends later.
When I was in the bedroom though, H called out to me that he had made brunch for everyone. I walked out and there was a plate for me too and he wanted me to sit down with him and the kids. We ate and made small talk, then D1.5 went down for a nap and H was laying on the couch looking on his phone. S3 asked if he could watch a cartoon, and H said "Yeah, go ahead because none of my games on on here today anyway." H is very into fantasy football and I could tell there was something he wanted to watch, but couldn't and his buddies always hang out at a nearby bar with satillite service broadcasting every game under the sun. He mumbled something about me not leaving early and said "Maybe I could leave and come back.. Just kidding."
I don't know what made me do this, but for some reason I felt bad for H missing his game, so I said, "I can always shop another time. Why don't you go ahead and watch the games for a couple of hours, then I'll go meet my friends for dinner when you get back."
It's weird. I don't feel like I was being a doormat, but I definitely had the urge to be kind to him, even though he yelled at me today. I guess I liked that he apologized and included me in brunch with the kids. I feel like with H and I, and probably in most relationships, kind meets kind and anger and contempt meets anger and contempt. It might not be a path to reconciliation, but it's at least a path to a healthy co-parenting relationship, I think.

[Lorelai]

H just left in his rushed and hurried way as he always does when I arrive home—even my baby sitter hangs around for a few minutes to go over what the kids did and how they behaved, how well they ate, etc. (Maybe I just have a really thorough sitter, LOL!).

But H hardly says anything and just runs out the door. I could see him reaching for his shoes as I pulled into the driveway. I found myself standing at the kitchen counter after he left feeling tearful and sad. I find it very painful when he leaves, but on days when he's not here and it's not his day to come over, I'm fine for the most part, enjoying my time with the kids and coming up with fun things for us to do, working, Christmas shopping, making plans. But then I see him the wind feels sucked out of me. Why?

I am proud that I was able to do some self-talk and calm down, so that it didn't escalate into some two-hour crying fit that would keep me up all night tossing and turning. Had a great GAL time with some friends tonight I haven't seen in a while and I still feel good about letting H know it was OK to go and watch football today, partly because I got some extra one on one time with S3 while my daughter napped. So it was all in all a wonderful afternoon and evening. Tomorrow I'm having the house cleaned because I can really used the help with areas that have been neglected while all of this is going on and being busy with the kids in general. If I'm able to fit it into the budget, I might do biweekly or even monthly, at least temporarily, just as a way to sort of take care of myself and keep things orderly during this difficult time. Life is very, very good. It's not how I want it, but it is good and I have much to be thankful for. I can't deny the challenge and struggles of this period of my life though.

Sorry for the ramble.

[Lorelai]

If anyone could give me input on this, I'd really appreciate it. H and I still have not finalized plans for the holidays. I had a major crying spell last week (not in front of H) over H's proposal that the kids go to his mom's traditional Christmas Eve celebration (I've been going to this even since we were dating, almost 10 years!) with him, and obviously without me, then he brings them back Christmas Eve late at night so I can have Christmas morning with them. I told him I hadn't given the holidays a lot of thought yet, but I would have to think about it more and get back to him, then after he left I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. I mean, it's really really over when you're bumped out of a holiday tradition you've been attending for nearly a decade!

One of H's big complaints about our M is he never felt in control of anything and he even told my MIL when he left that he was finally going to be in control of his life and make his own decisions. So I need to address this holiday issue in a way that validates that concern, but also addresses some of my own concerns. I've fully accepted not going to Christmas Eve, but I would like him there on Christmas morning because I think it is important for the kids. S4 also has mentioned wanting to go shopping for Daddy so I'd like to maybe do a small gift exchange from the kids. I feel like the best way to approach him is over email, particularly since in person I'm too emotional and I don't want to cry in front of him. Here's what I was planning to write:

Hi H,

Just wanted to give you my thoughts on Christmas since we talked about it last week and I hadn't gotten back to you about it yet. I was thinking you can take S4 and D1.5 to your mom's Christmas Eve. You're more than welcome to be here Christmas morning though. I think the kids would really like that. Also, I wanted to see how you'd feel about doing a small gift exchange between us this year from the kids, so S4 can go shopping with each of us. Thought it might be fun for him and he mentioned wanting to shop for you.

Let me know what you think!

Lorelai

Thoughts???

Also, something has been on my mind lately regarding his sudden, "I'm taking the kids to Christmas Eve without you" scenario. It seemed so strange, because we just had Thanksgiving together and it was fine. I actually had more fun and more detached than I expected I would be. I just enjoyed watching the kids enjoy the holiday with their cousins. It was great. So I was shocked when H asked to take the kids without me to Christmas Eve, especially since his mom had already said she wanted me there. I know that this is mind reading, but I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that the day after Thanksgiving, the kids and I went ahead with our tradition of putting up the tree and decorating the house, and in fact this year, we went much further than that and went crazy with the decorations and put up even more stuff than ever and added several new things. For years, I was too depressed/tired/stressed/anxious/pregnant to put much effort into decorating, then H comes over and sees the house all decked out after he's gone. I'm wondering if I hurt his feelings by not including him. I wanted to, but I was trying to stay dark. And I hate to admit it, but it was kind of fun doing the decorating with just me and S4.

[Calibri]

It's not over just because you're not going to H's house for Christmas this year. It's over when the fat lady sings.

I'm really tired so I can't remember off the top of my head - do you feel control was an issue during your M with h? I'm wondering, my H said something similar when he left.

A vet could help you with the email better than I could. It sounds too wish washy for me, personally. It felt like you were giving him every opportunity to shut you down after The Christmas Eve part. (I'm not trying to be rude, I really am not.)

Me, (and take this with a grain of salt because I'm still new, and my H says I was controlling) I'd say something along the lines of:

Hi H,

I am in agreement with you taking the kids for Christmas Eve - I know how important Christmas Eve is in your family and maintaining traditions. The kids would enjoy having you here on Christmas morning, we will probably start around 8. You're more than welcome to come by. S4 wanted to get you a gift, so we went shopping and it's here at the house. Please let me know your thoughts so I can plan accordingly.

Again, I'd phone in a vet, cause like I said, I'm not good at this.

As for the decorations relating to your H's actions, who knows? He may just be asserting his self and finding control and doing what he wants to do. Your BD was so close to Thanksgiving that he may not have wanted to rock the boat, but now as time has passed he may feel differently.

Good luck!