My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

I wish I had found this site more than a year ago when I had my second child. She was six weeks old when my husband told me he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. My first pregnancy with our son had been extremely difficult, then I had a c-section and couldn't pull myself together and I know I was absolutely awful to be around. I've never done well having to depend on other people. I usually end up mad at myself for not being able to do more then resentful toward the people trying to help and I know I did that in my marriage, which I regret very, very much. My husband was trying to tell me last year that he was hurting and instead of being empathetic, I was angry with him for telling me he'd been thinking about divorce when I had such a tiny baby and a toddler to care for. He tried to be a good husband, even brought me flowers in the hospital when we had the second baby just weeks before his first "bomb drop" but I was not easy to get along with in those first months of post-pregnancy. I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut. It was like I could see this beautiful life in front of me that my husband was giving me and our two children, and I wanted to take him in my arms and say "thank you!" But instead this horrible monster came out and I've said things I could never take back.
Things improved slightly when my doctor made a diagnosis of ppd after my second baby and started me on medication, but my husband remained distant and it honestly felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything right. I think that must have been how he felt at times.
I received another bomb drop on valentine's day this year, when I gave my husband a card and he said he had nothing for me. We always exchange cards or something silly or go out to dinner for valentine's day, but this year when I asked what was going on he just said "I've told you where I'm at in the relationship." He also took off his ring around that time, then put it on for our daughter's first birthday party, then kept taking it off some days and wearing it other days, before finally just wearing it every day, which he continues to do. This is all so confusing for me.
About two weeks ago my husband came home from work and said he was going to be staying with a buddy in a nearby town for a while. I called his mom in a panic, because we're very close, and she had mentioned to me recently she thought I was doing so well and was really on the right track, and that she wanted to encourage her son to work on our marriage. When she answered the phone, she said he'd told her the other day he wasn't planning to work on his marriage anymore. I felt so stupid, like I was the last to know or something.
Since moving out, my husband has been coming over to see our son and daughter two to three times a week and I've been using that time to make contacts and do some independent contracting work to try to get my career back on track. I've been a stay at home mom for almost four years now and I'm concerned I might need to get back to work full time as soon as possible in the event I end up divorced. My husband said he would make sure we were taken care of if we divorce and that he would never put me and the kids in a position where we would lose the house or not have any money for groceries, etc. I do really appreciate that, but I also would like the love of my partner and best friend back. He just is not himself and I feel like I'm living in a different world. This can't be planet Earth. My husband has literally seen me crying nonstop at times when we've had to talk about this, and he's looked at me and said he just doesn't care anymore. That doesn't even sound like him. He was so loving, supportive and caring when we got married and we couldn't stand to be apart from each other. But I made the mistake of bringing baggage from my childhood and not taking care of myself mentally when there were obvious signs I needed help.

Tomorrow the kids and I are going to my mother in law's for Thanksgiving dinner and my husband will be there. I'm wondering if anyone will think it's weird that we're going separately or if they won't even notice or care. I'm not sure how to act around my husband either.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Lorelai]

I can't stop crying, been doing it off and on tonight. I thought I was strong and could handle all of this, but I can't, at least not right this second.
Today my husband came over to watch the kids while I went to lunch with a former colleague who still works for the company I left after I had my son. I'm hoping to get back to work full time whether my husband and I reconcile or not, and if we don't, I'm really going to need that full-time job.
I stayed out for a while and ran some errands, then came home late afternoon/early evening. Since my husband moved out, he normally runs out the door the minute I come home, and I go into the bathroom for a minute to compose myself so my son and daughter don't see me cry. Tonight though, he stayed past the kids' bedtime and was even joking around with me a little. He was laying on the couch watching a political show we used to watch together and making funny comments about our governor (we're not big fans). I happily gave the kids their baths, got them in their pjs and was happy at how smoothly the night was going. I couldn't believe he was STAYING for so long and was wondering if maybe he was here to stay or was waiting around to spend time with me after the kids went to bed. Well, he was waiting for me to put the kids to bed alright, but not to hang out with me or talk about coming home. Why would I think that?
Instead, this is why he was hanging around. After I finished the bedtime stories and came out of my son's room, I started unloading the dishwasher, when my husband walked into the kitchen and said this:

H: I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. I was wondering if you've thought about how we're going to do Christmas.

My heart, stomach, everything was in my feet right now.

Me: I haven't thought about it much. Why do you ask?

H: I don't want to fight.

Me: Well, what were you thinking?

H: I thought I would take the kids to my mom's for Christmas Eve...(Christmas Eve is a really big deal in my husband's family. This fact was established when we were dating. His mom has always done Christmas Eve and they have a big family event at her house. So what my husband was telling me was, you're not invited to an event you've been going to for several years.)

H: (continued) I would bring the kids back that night so you could have Christmas morning with them. (My thoughts: Wait, you're not even going to be with us Christmas morning?) Then you can take them to see your family the following week and get a hotel room. (We normally get a hotel room together with the kids when we visit my family because they're 400 miles away. I can't imagine staying in a hotel room by myself with my son and daughter.

Me: (About to burst into tears because I thought my husband was warming up to me, but he wants to put even more space between us and apparently is even planning to ruin Christmas). I'm going to have to think about this.

We went into the living room and talked for a minute and I said calmly without crying that this is exactly the type of situation that made me not want to get divorced. I want my children with me on Christmas Eve. It's not only a special holiday in my husband's family, but before my grandmother died it was a special holiday in my own family and a memory that in the midst of my terrible childhood, is one of the good ones. I was looking forward to always sharing Christmas Eve with my children and yes, Christmas morning. We talked a tiny bit about what divorce would look like. I talked about finding an email recently I sent him when our son was a year old that involved me lecturing him about not buying the right rice for a dinner I was making and I told him honestly, I would without a doubt strongly consider divorcing that person too, and that I completely understand where he's coming from. He said he appreciated me acknowledging his feelings. I also said I wasn't trying to pressure him into counseling but that just from my own moral beliefs that we should explore all options before making any decisions. I recently saw a pro-marriage counselor myself who I noticed had a MWD book on his shelf and he said if my husband was willing he would like to see him by himself. I told my husband tonight that if it comes down to signing papers I would not sign anything until we had seen a counselor and that I would prefer to discuss the issues we're discussing, like holidays, etc. in the presence of a counselor. Part of this is because I have never been able to discuss any of this with my husband without almost having a complete mental breakdown.

After my husband left my son called out to me. I went to his room and he asked me to tuck him back in and said "What were you and daddy saying about Christmas and family?" I gave him a big kiss as I fought back huge tears and said it was nothing. My husband and mother in law have told me to just say that Daddy's at work when my son asks where his dad is.

I can't even describe the pain I'm in. None of this seems real. This can't actually be happening.

[Lorelai]

I can't sleep at all. I can't stop thinking about the idea of sitting alone in this house while my children are taken off to Christmas Eve with what is now my I suppose my ex-family. I'm so depressed. To top it off I have such a busy day tomorrow or should I say, today. I know I'll somehow pull myself together, but I'm just so tired of all of this.

At this moment I do not believe my husband and I will ever reconcile. Not just because he doesn't want me, but because honestly right now I don't want him. There's no way I could ever forgive him for making me feel this way, for making me so sad during a time in my life and my kids' lives when I just want to enjoy them and watch them grow. I guess he's not stopping me from doing that. Part of me believes that the only thing I can do is to hold my head up high, take a deep breath and act as if none of this bothers me. I will send my children to the Christmas Eve celebration I always look forward to, and enjoy a nice quiet evening at home or with the many friends I have who I know will open their hearts and homes to me and probably absolutely insist I not be alone that night. I have so many good friends from throughout my life, many who I've known since grade school and several from high school and college and even a couple I've picked up along the way in motherhood. They all love me no matter what—one of my close friends said there's nothing I can do to make her stop loving me—so why can't my husband, the person I share children with, the one who was there at my kids' births, share that same sentiment? It is so confusing to me!

Final thought: I have acted terribly many times in my marriage, and not to use this as an excuse, but especially after the children were born in those early postpartum months. I take full responsibility. But my husband hasn't been perfect either. The night we were having my son, the pain was unbearable and the only thing that soothed me was a warm, wet towel on my back. My husband kept going into the bathroom and running hot water over a towel and placing on my back for comfort. I was thinking how sweet he was, and also trying not to be too pushy, so I would endure the pain for a while and then "Ooooh. Honey, could you please get the towel again?" After about the fourth or fifth time, he said "I don't want to do this anymore. You'll get used to it and want me to keep doing it." He wasn't kidding. t felt so alone at that moment. It's just something small, but I keep remembering all the times he made me feel that way and while I feel like I'm probably better off without him, I don't want my family broken like this. At the same time though, I'm not sure what he could do to reconcile things, should that ever be something he wants.

[Lorelai]

Yesterday was tough. I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before and I had a meeting first thing in the morning with my son's preschool that my husband asked if he could attend. My son's teacher is concerned about his behavior, particularly his tantrums and always wanting to be in control of everything. I told the teacher that my husband and I are separated right now and she said my son's been crying every morning when he gets off the bus and telling the teachers he's sad, then crying again when he's about to get on the bus and that it's probably related to the separation. My heart was absolutely breaking and I had to hold back tears for the rest of the meeting. The teacher gave us some solutions to help with his behavior and said there's tons of resources and children's books to help kids deal with divorce. After the meeting my husband said maybe we should talk to our son about what's going on and how Daddy's not living at home right now, rather than telling him Daddy's at work. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to start reading children's divorce books to him right at this moment, but my husband and I are talking today about what we might want to say to our son. I just want my kids to be happy and to thrive no matter what happens.

My husband cried a little after the meeting and said he had to head to work and couldn't talk about all of this right now. He seemed so sad as he was going to his car, I don't want all this sadness and crying for my family. I want us to heal. Unfortunately I'm worried that the only way we can heal is to maybe go ahead and divorce and accept that the marriage is over and is beyond repair.

[Lorelai]

I'm not sure if anyone is seeing my posts yet because I think I must still be on moderation, but it's helping to be able to sit down and vent/write about what's going on in my life right now. It's also helping me to read other people's stories and what they're going through and how they're handling similar problems.
My husband took the kids to his mom's for the day and it gave me some time to get things done around the house and catch up on some deadlines for work. He said again this morning that he wanted to talk to S3 about what's going on. I said I'd prefer to wait until we did some more research and met with the school psychologist to know what to say and whether we should actually say anything at this point, because if we reconcile that might be confusing, so it probably would be best to wait until we talk to another professional and read a little more on the topic.
My husband said he was offended I'd told other people what was going on—close friends of mine/ours and just one neighbor. The only reason I told her was because our kids go to school together and she comes over a lot for playdates. She noticed my husband's car wasn't around anymore really and she could see I seemed upset and she asked if everything was OK. I went ahead and told her because she's a neighbor I trust and our boys play together and honestly, I felt like it was important to let someone know who was nearby in case of an emergency. I feel better knowing someone is aware of the situation and is probably keeping an extra eye out for us while I'm in a house alone with two small children. My husband asked why I would tell other people when our son doesn't even know and that he wouldn't want him to hear it from one of his friends during a playdate. I said I understood why he would be concerned about that but I didn't think we had anything to worry about. I think my husband feels really bad and embarrassed about our situation and I want to scream, if it bothers you so much that people know, why did you do it? But I didn't and I won't.
As for Christmas, it hasn't come up again. I've decided to just let the issue go for now. I am planning to invite him for Christmas morning because I think it's important that he be here for the kids opening their presents, but I'm going ahead and letting him go alone with the kids to Christmas Eve at his mom's. My husband is not the best communicator especially right now, so I don't even think his siblings and their children will even know I'm not coming until the actual day. One thing I do not want is for our kids to be upset and miss me and wonder why I'm not there, but if he has to face his family asking him questions like, really, you didn't invite Lorelai? I don't think that's a bad thing. Yesterday my MIL said she doesn't think he's really thought this through and the consequences.

I'm off to bed now. I've had terrible sleep this week and my little ones went to bed early, which I'm grateful for, so I'm going to get some extra sleep tonight. Speaking of gratitude, one positive I believe I'm experiencing from this is a new perspective. Suddenly little things like the kids gong to bed easily and earlier make me thankful. I can feel myself actually becoming less impatient with people, like in traffic. When someone's going slow or cuts me off, instead of getting annoyed I tell myself they might be going through what I'm gong through or maybe even something worse. I feel this sudden compassion for everyone I encounter each day, even complete strangers. Maybe it was time for me to learn this lesson. Alright, finally going to bed now.

[1foot2]

Hi Lorelai. Just wanted to let you know I read your posts and that I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I remember the pain of these first moments and it's truly indescribable. I applaud your efforts to reflect and gain perspective from this experience. You truly can find positives through this experience even as it feels so painful. The ultimate goal of this process is to become a better person, with the saving of your marriage a potential added benefit.

I empathize with your feeling that you aren't even sure you want to live with a person who can do this for you. Five months post bomb drop, that is where I am at. Know that your feelings will truly change, fluctuate and evolve through this process, in ways that you can't always predict.

Hang in there.

[Lorelai]

Thanks 1foot! I am sorry you are here also. I see you also have small children which makes all of this even more challenging. It's interesting to hear that I can expect my feelings to change throughout this whole process.

I woke up this morning with major flu-like symptoms. I texted my H about possibly coming to help this morning, but once I got my S3 on the bus and D1.5 decided to sleep in, I was able to get a little more rest, so I texted H again (he still hadn't responded to my first text) to never mind coming over. I was feeling a little better and I didn't need any extra help today after all. Sill, it's actually been more of an exhausting day than I anticipated and D1.5 is refusing to nap while I'm letting S3 watch way too much TV, but I guess that's how it goes with kids when you're sick. I think D1.5 might be getting sick too, so that's probably why she can't nap. My H didn't respond to either of my texts, not even my "never mind. I'll be OK. you've already helped out a ton this week. Thanks."
Tonight we're ordering in from the neighborhood pizza joint because I'm way too sick to cook. I'm annoyed to be on my own right at this moment. I wish I had a loving spouse coming home to help me and let me rest while he gives the kids their baths and gets them to bed, but then I tell myself that my H never really did much of that anyway when I was sick, or when he diid he complained incessantly through the whole process, making me feel guilty for being under the weather. Maybe it's better that I'm on my own right now. Wish I had immediate family nearby who could help though.

[Lorelai]

I am struggling tonight. This flu is getting the better of me. I just got the kids to bed but I'm not quite ready to go myself. This is one of the hardest parts of the night for me since my husband left. I hate the quiet of the house, even though two kids bouncing off the walls when you're sick ins't easy either, but still...

I don't miss who my husband is now, but I do miss who he used to be—funny, with an off the wall sense of humor that matched mine—we just "got" each other, as cheesy as it sounds, handsome, sexy, and overall someone I could go to if i had a problem and someone who was always considerate of my feelings, and very concerned if he thought he hurt me. He used to call three or four times a day or send emails to see how I was doing. Fast forward to today and he's gone, god knows where he is right at the moment, and I'm sitting here on the couch sick (I know it's just the flu, but it's a pain when there's no one to help) after a long day alone with two small kids. And yeah, I'm ticked a little that my husband didn't even bother to reply to either of my texts regarding whether I needed extra help today. I didn't end up needing the help, and I texted him that, but he couldn't even be bothered to text back a "sounds good, feel better." or anything like that. He is glued to his phone 24/7 so it's not like he didn't see the texts. None of this is him, absolutely none of it. It's freaky actually, like he's been abducted and replaced by this mean, angry, dishonest, inconsiderate jerk—a mean, angry, dishonest, inconsiderate jerk who is in a lot of pain right now, so I need to keep that in mind and remember to have empathy. I would not want to be where he is emotionally, where he can just walk away from his marriage without putting forth real effort toward rebuilding our relationship. Time to breathe.

One other thing that bothers me though is during all of this, he NEVER calls the kids. He never checks in on us. I mean, we're not out in the middle of nowhere but what if something happened? I'd be able to reach five or six other people for help before I could find my husband. And don't my kids deserve to have their dad at least say goodnight, and not just show up when it's his days like he's coming home from work? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's the nyquill but either way I'm feelin' this tonight big time.

[seaspin]

I can relate to what you are saying. The LBS is on their own to get through these tough situations, while WAS is off enjoying themselves, free of responsibility. It's totally not fair that they get to just leave.

Once when I was sick, I asked my WAH if he could come over and watch the kids. He said he was "busy". But if he's sick on days he has the kids, he quickly brings them back to me.

I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I hope you start to feel better soon.