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Originally Posted By: Rzrback
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

Thing is, Keep your focus on YOU. work the Trifecta PMA, 180, Detach. She is currently chasing OM in that fog she has found herself in.... you need to flip that around and get that fish to chase a different lure. Pointing that lure out, talking about that other lure ... well .. you get where I am going here. It does nothing but keep her mind on that lure. There will come a time you can share how much hurt you are in, as a man ... a man that your W would want .. you have to swallow that one for now.
I was where you are... well maybe worse. my W left .. still gone.. I found this place late, but think I would have still made the same mistakes before the light went on a little dimly.

The past month I discovered something .. maybe it will help you here. This Alpha Beta thing .. its similar. For me to get a grip, I basically realized I have two personalities ... in a way created them to deal. I have the hurt little boy, and I have the man I want to be, the one I am working on, one who was lost with I recieved the BD. This man is Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, whoever you want. So ... before I react I ask myself .. who is reacting here... that hurt snotty little boy, or Clint, I allow them to react and respond internally, but I only allow Clint to speak for me. Is this crazy, am I crazy .. you damn right it is and I am ... but I can not tell you the change that happened when I embraced this, the peace I have achieved.

You can not do a thing about what your W is doing with OM, you can however create a better lure ... do that ... GAL 180 Detach .. allow your hurt little boy to speak, here, in your head .. but only for a time when you know John Wayne would tell him to STFU. Then .. let it go, and walk tall.


Yeah, I still get ILY, and some occasional spontaneous touch from her, so I guess I'm better off than a lot of folks.

Thanks CaliGuy. I let sleep deprivation and despair get the better of me last night. That's why I post on here before I say anything to my W. As long as she keeps the talk away from OM I'll be upbeat and friendly with her (but not initiate affection or ILY). I just need to get better at telling her to go call her girlfriend if she wants to talk about OM. She will s**t test me, but she always has, from the beginning of our marriage. It's about time to start passing some of those again.

Interesting that you mentioned Clint Eastwood. I may need to go re-watch "Heartbreak Ridge" to renew some purpose :-)


You are doing well ... and yeah ...MUCH better to go off in here and vent than it ever is to do that towards your W.

Ohhhh good call on HB-Ridge .. I may have to watch that one with S !!


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
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I am in a better situation than many, but I don't get ILY or any physical contact unless I put my hand on her shoulder. One could see that as a good thing..
And they are right in that being more firm about not wanting to hear about the OM is good (don't have to be rude or yelling, just firm and clear).


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Yeah, in some ways it would be easier to detach if we were physically separated or if she were more cold with me. I let my guard down too easily. I've been way too beta with her for way too long, even before BD.


I keep having to remind myself that it is my consistent behavior that can turn things around, and it'll be little by little. She won't wake up one day with and just jump into my arms.

Last edited by Rzrback; 11/27/14 08:02 PM.

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Heading out to Tgiving with my family. W's family tomorrow. Everyone have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back on the boards this evening I'm sure.


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BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Rzr
I am mulling and observing your thread. I am not entirely sure who is more involved with OM, you or W?

this dominates your posts!

As a newbie (vets please interrupt), then from my perspective unless you see rzr and W as two separate individuals, then any actions taken won't work. All of the manly man stuff won't stick because you are merely inflicting this on yourself.

My vision of rzr and W is one of Siamese Twins joined at the groin, running around in endless circles head butting each other, trying to gain an advantage.

Separate

Vanilla



Last edited by Vanilla; 11/28/14 01:13 AM.

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Please elaborate. Am I too obsessed with OM?


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BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Had Thanksgving with my family tonight. Went OK. I had a batch of cousins in town that my W and I both really enjoy seeing. My parents are really the only members of my family that W doesn't like. They were pretty much on their best behavior tonight. I was able to get us packed up and out of there by the time W and I agreed on. One of those leadership things she and I have been discussing. W was warm to me...it almost felt "normal".

Thanksgving with her family tomorrow, but that's pretty low pressure.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
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T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
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Are you too obsessed with OM?

Absolutely. OM is a symptom not a cause,. This particular brand of moral bankrupt is distracting you from dealing with you.

I counted the number of times he was mentioned against a couple of other threads, try this yourself. What we think about gets bigger and this is occupying your time and mind and growing bigger and bigger.

Concentrate on you instead and detaching from W. Where are your discussions about your children, what GAL do you do with them? There two precious daughters who need a loving detached dad.

What are your current goals , are you moving forward?

There are very important ,matters to think about including boundary setting and discovering if you are codependent.

Pause, clear your mind and reflect in a calm way on your priority.
Peace of mind will begin
Be at ease

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Hmmm it appears as if someone from the MB site has been lurking in the shadows here reading my situation and rather than ask about it here mrwondering's gone back to MB to attack me there.

Some people just don't have anything better to do with their lives.


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Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Are you too obsessed with OM?

Absolutely. OM is a symptom not a cause,. This particular brand of moral bankrupt is distracting you from dealing with you.

I counted the number of times he was mentioned against a couple of other threads, try this yourself. What we think about gets bigger and this is occupying your time and mind and growing bigger and bigger.

Concentrate on you instead and detaching from W. Where are your discussions about your children, what GAL do you do with them? There two precious daughters who need a loving detached dad.

What are your current goals , are you moving forward?

There are very important ,matters to think about including boundary setting and discovering if you are codependent.

Pause, clear your mind and reflect in a calm way on your priority.
Peace of mind will begin
Be at ease

Vanilla


I'm sure I'm overly obsessed with OM. I'm making progress with detaching, but I'm still dealing with the ego hit of knowing that my wife finds another man more desirable than me.

My relationship with my kids is better. I need to do more with them, but even D15, who complains about everything :), has noticed I'm a lot more fun to be around. That has gotten back to my W. Actually doing more with them is something I need to work on.

I have no doubt I'm codependent.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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