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SunnyB #2511050 11/26/14 03:40 AM
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I don't know when the last time I touched my wife's bare skin was. I crave it too.

I can relate to the resentment thing, Maybell. I had a terrible conversation with the wife today. I was halfway into it before I remembered to DB, reflective listen, etc. I felt like I went right back to the old me in the beginning.

I don't have a clue how you ladies do it. I feel so hopeless at the moment. You guys just ooze strength.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2511093 11/26/14 10:48 AM
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You keep saying strength, Jefe, but it doesn't feel like strength to me. It feels like duty. Here is a load next to me, which must be shouldered in order to avoid consequences I'm not willing to live with. There is the road down which the load must be carried. I pick up the load and I start down the path; the strength I gain as I go, with the grace of God and those who care about me here and in real life. I stumble, I falter, I drop the load, but someone always comes alongside to remind me there is enough in me to keep going, and so I do, because the consequences of not are too bad to live with. Maybe call it perseverance rather than strength, but it's not an innate quality either way. It's been nurtured from within and without.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511097 11/26/14 11:01 AM
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About the touch thing - I don't think it is wrong.

Most times when we've met up I give H a kiss on the cheek and he reciprocates by putting his arm on my back. In the same meet up though, I reached out and touched his arm as a consoling gesture and he recoiled which didn't feel great. I guess what I am saying is - if you are going to do it a) choose the right time and b) be prepared in case he doesn't have the reaction you want him to have. My 2 cents.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2511106 11/26/14 12:30 PM
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Just journaling... After the conferences for D11 H said several times that she was lazy. I found this off-putting, because:
1. He is NEVER with her when she's doing her homework. Maybe three times in her life has he been hime to see her do her homework.
2. She's in honors-plus. You don't become a high achiever by being lazy.
3. She is 100% responsible for managing her load. I may help her sometimes but I haven't overseen her load since third grade. She does it all herself.
4. Her leisure activities are the exact opposite of lazy. She may express strong preferences for activities she finds interesting, but she's don't we all?

How can I encourage him to see her more generously and age-appropriately without starting a fight?

I find the situation curious, because he complained in MC (and to lots of other people) that D11 and I are "oil and water." And yet he sees her and the boys so critically.

Is this who he really is or just a symptom of where he is right now?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511117 11/26/14 01:43 PM
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Maybell, my opinion is that's who he is. My H has used the word "lazy" to describe our children, the older two especially, when they didn't spend their time the way he thought they should. It's hard to be a kid. It's hard to be a kid who goes to school all day and then has homework after that. And then plays sports or does other activities and has responsibilities at home. It's easy to be a critical adult.

I don't know that there's anything you can say to make your H see it this way. Maybe praise her in front of him, "Wow, D11, I am so impressed at the way you planned out and handled getting that big project done on time! Tell your dad about it. "



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Maybell #2511140 11/26/14 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
You keep saying strength, Jefe, but it doesn't feel like strength to me. It feels like duty. Here is a load next to me, which must be shouldered in order to avoid consequences I'm not willing to live with. There is the road down which the load must be carried. I pick up the load and I start down the path; the strength I gain as I go, with the grace of God and those who care about me here and in real life. I stumble, I falter, I drop the load, but someone always comes alongside to remind me there is enough in me to keep going, and so I do, because the consequences of not are too bad to live with. Maybe call it perseverance rather than strength, but it's not an innate quality either way. It's been nurtured from within and without.


You described that awesomely. I am saving that one for sure.

Unfortunately in real life right now I have far to many people questioning why I even picked up the load in the first place.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2511149 11/26/14 03:36 PM
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Doesn't matter. You're the one who has to live with the consequences of your actions. When you encounter healthy, wise mentors whose values match or surpass your own, nurture those relationships and open your mind and heart to their message.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511275 11/26/14 10:13 PM
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Thank you. I needed to hear that.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2511359 11/27/14 02:52 AM
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Quote:
When my H gets back from his trip, I'd like to touch his skin for a moment. Just his hand or his arm, for just a moment. Not to get anything out of it other than the touch; I realize where we are.

Is that the wrong thing?


Not wrong at all, I want to reach out and touch my H all the time and of course want more than anything for him to touch me.

Quote:
How can I encourage him to see her more generously and age-appropriately without starting a fight?


You can't, although you used the word encourage what you are really saying is you want to change him. I'm pretty sure our mantra here at DB is that we can only change ourselves! smile

Quote:
You keep saying strength, Jefe, but it doesn't feel like strength to me. It feels like duty. Here is a load next to me, which must be shouldered in order to avoid consequences I'm not willing to live with. There is the road down which the load must be carried. I pick up the load and I start down the path; the strength I gain as I go, with the grace of God and those who care about me here and in real life. I stumble, I falter, I drop the load, but someone always comes alongside to remind me there is enough in me to keep going, and so I do, because the consequences of not are too bad to live with. Maybe call it perseverance rather than strength, but it's not an innate quality either way. It's been nurtured from within and without.


Great way to put it, sometimes I even kick the load back down the path, fight with myself to pick it back up but eventually do because I know if I leave the load where it is when I get to the end of the path without giving it my all I will regret it.

Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
lost18 #2511386 11/27/14 05:39 AM
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Lost, I don't want to change HIM. But I feel like I've been given the gift of seeing her more clearly and I want him to enjoy it too. I guess I have to just let him discover her himself. After all, he did come through with the camera idea.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I'm grateful for all that I've learned here and about myself in the seven months. I'm grateful for all of you. I'm grateful for discovering my kids anew. I'm grateful for my job and the lovely women who've been willing to take a chance on me. I'm grateful for friends. I'm grateful for the words YES and NO. I'm grateful for good books and good movies. And bad movies, too, though not bad books.

I'm grateful for my husband. I am glad he is in the world, that he gave me this insane imperfect life, and that I'm strong enough to be happy with or without him. I hope he finds happiness too (though I hope it's with me!!)

Hugs to you all. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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