W asked for a chat about kids and was very basic stuff and then con turned to her decision to leave. She said she has gained nothing by leaving save she has no one checking on her She said she is amazed at my changes and impressed at the person I have become. Even though she thiught I was a good person before. She cries the whole way through these convs and keeps saying she is in a fog and what a terrible person she is for leaving the kids.
She went on to say if I find someone new she would not be able to be friends with me and could not come to the house as it would be to upsetting for her. I told her meeting someone else was the farthest thing from my mind
I have detached like a vet but I have told her she is missed by the whole house.
She keeps talking about a MLC or being in the middle of a mental breakdown
Very hard to deal with but I have my kids so I'm the lucky one
I am very concerned about the effect this is having on your children. I can't imagine what it would have done to me if my mother had left our home and did not want to be with me. If they are not in therapy, I suggest you find a good family therapist for you and the kids. You all need professional guidance to cope through this trama. Your W needs help, but you can't make her get it. All you can do is try to help your children.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi and thanks for posting. I don't want to give wrong impression of W. She does collect kids 3 days a week from school and stays in house weds eve and takes girls most Fridays ( D13 never wants to go ). On most other days she does call I for 10 mins on her way home. My S16 has seen school counsellor but said it didn't help. I do tell the kids daily that their mum loves and misses them but my two Ds are very clinging to me and don't like it when I go out.
W has talked about returning to I/c but we will see
I see lots of signs that W is torn by her decision to leave but I won't mind read why
We have a neighbour who has just left his W and 3 kids and when my W was telling me this she was sobbing saying she was much worse than the neighbour as she was a WAW. I validated that she felt she had to leave and everyone's witch was different. I havnt mentioned R or M but I feel that my detaching is such that W believes I have moved on.
I will continue to post and again, I am always very grateful for any advice
Good. She's supposed to feel that way. It's not your job to protect her from the consequences of actions. Don't try and be the hero and try to alleviate her guilt. Let her fall flat on her face, because that's how we all learn.
You seem to be pretty lenient with her. She comes and goes in your home as she pleases. You might want to think through what arrangements are best for you and the kids and set some boundaries. Remember your job is not to make this easy for her.
When she told you she couldn't stand the thought of you moving on with someone else, you told her that was the furthest thing from your mind. What you told her, in effect, was, "Gee honey, I'll always be waiting here for you - you go ahead and have your fun. Please feel free to keep me as you plan B." How is she going to sense that she is already pushing you away - poentially into the arms of another woman?
It is your job to protect your children and your own future. Your wife is pretty unstable and you don't know what she might do. I strongly suggest you speak to a divorce attorney and find out about your rights. The pattems you establish during your wife's exodus might set a precedent should things go south and you get divorced. You are at an advantage since she left the house.
Theoden. Thanks for posting. I appreciate your advice. I see what you are saying. I see my mistakes and although I have detached with day to day things I am still available for her so I will have to change that. My W and I both went to the same I/c and that I/c is telling me to open up a small bit to my W as she is in a fog and is making very bad decisions and possibly nearing a breakdown.
My W moved out after 25 years together and since the evening she left 7 weeks ago myself and the 4 kids have carried on as if she was never there. She still visits most days but her role as a mother is gone and she is now like an aunt. ( her words)
W called the kids last night and then spoke to me. She said she was too upset to see kids and each day was getting harder. She also said she is going to see an I/c as she couldn't handle her situation much longer. She was sobbing down the phone as she said this.
I have detached to the point where I think my W believes I don't want her back and any gesture or such like I make is merely me being kind to an ex W.
Just to lighting the mood, I have dry bad pain in my leg at the moment due to a trapped nerve. I have not told W and told kids not to mention it. She told me last night, "I wasn't snooping BUT I saw in your draw a lot of pain medication, what's that for. ". Sherlock Holmes she's not. !!!! Thanks again for posting Any advice is great fully received. Rd
If she's really going through some crisis, then she needs help, but YOU can't be the one giving it to her, since she's left because "she's not in love with you." This also seems to gave something to do with family life she needs to work out. She also needs to learn to be responsible for her own happiness.
Your I/C could not tell you if she was having an affair, by the way, since it goes against client confidentiality. You said there is no evidence of one, but she seems to be behaving AS IF there is one.
If she's nearing a breakdown there may not be an OM. But then, perhaps, there is.
If it's a question of "finding herself" let her do that. Perhaps, for the sake of your children, it's for the best that she doesn't see them everyday. Maybe one overnight on the weekend (or every other weekend) and one evening a week where she has dinner with them.
Again, please speak to a lawyer about this, to protect you home and your children's home.
If there's no OM, there's a real good chance this will blow over.
Regarding your changes, 180's and GAL activities. Please keep in mind most of us start them to win over our spouses and tell ourselves it's really for us. Some of these activities will help your wife become curious. They are not, however, long-term and sustainable activities. You can't remain super-dad and husband for the rest of your life. You will, inevitably, slip up. IF that's the ONLY thing bringing her back home, your reconciliation will be temporary. Your wife has to figure out that leaving the home and damaging your children is not the way to solve marital problems. SHE needs to change, too.
Some of your changes are probably necessary, long overdue and need to be permanent. But please remember that piecing your marriage back together and Divorce-Busting are different activities. Right now you are making your demands small, sacrificing, working on yourself, listening, etc. When you reconcile you BOTH have work at it. It's no longer the rd500 show. Please remember that.
Thanks again for posting. On the I/c thing she is a life coach so no confidential lines crossed. W has had problems with sex since first child born and has various problems with her body at the moment but has a friendship with a bi polar alcoholic she works with which May have developed into a P/A The life coach is adamant the my W is not in any type of E/A or P/A but has drifted into a friendship with this guy who she thinks she can help. I remain open minded at the moment but would nt be surprised.
I have had many many faults but now I have been forced to look at them and I am addressing them. It's not easy but when I look back my W put up with a lot.
I was never a bad person but at the same time I could have been so much better.
I completely agree that if we were ever to reconcile it is a joint venture and it's one I would love to try as I believe I am a far better person for this experiance
I do believe my W was very unhappy and the issue was not just the marriage but her life in general. She found an outlet through volunteering but it took over her life. She meet a lot of people there lived a life that I believe she envied and she looked to her own life as not the life she wanted. She talks about being in a fog and thinks she's having a MLC or some sort of breakdown.
I have detached but have been doing the 80% returns. When I do this she SEEMS to back away.
As discussed with life coach , I do not want tTHIS person back, I would love to work on the marraige with my old W , who would commit to making it work.
Yours was the first thread I read that I really felt attuned to.
Are you sure there is no A of any kind? Really really sure? w has changed there is a trigger somewhere.
You can not have your old W back, that is past. Just as you are a new RD.
I absolutely admire your family values RD, but new W is going to be new W, her choice. You have no control over: old W, new W, W as she will be.
Your bond with your kids was remarkable and shining, keep that star in your heart. It is your strength and challenge whilst W is doing crazy W changing.
We need to hear from you, as you have such positivity in your world. Hope
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Vanilla. Thanks for the kind words. Re my W and a d affair , I do not know. At this stage I wouldn't be surprised. It was my birthday on Friday and my S16 today so myself and kids went out last night and had a fantastic time. We ant to a burger bar and did nothing but laugh for the whole time It's was Great and I hope S16 remembers it the same in years to come.
I don't post as much as I am following DB / DR and I see no real progress save my W seems to be going downhill fast. She is constantly upset and last week myS19 had a big bust up with her and she thought she resolved it but it came up again yesterday.
As I said it was S16s birthday today and W could not afford a present so I told him all the gifts were from us and inof just me W was very grateful and text me thanks during the day. She called me twice to thank me for being a great dad and good person. She looks wrecked and says she feels terrible and I'll all the time She takes food and items such as toilet rolls from my house as she has little money ( she does not know I know this ) It's hard to see her this bad but it is her choice.
Re OM it's possible that it's a EA or PA but I have no proof and have decided that I have hurt myself enough over this with negative thoughts so I try to push those thoughts from my mind. If and when it comes to light then I'll have enough pain then so why put myself through more now.
I read a lot of the posts on here and while it does give a certain strength , it's very hard to read of all the pain we all feel. I am dealing with my issues re the marriage and don't beat myself like I used to I am a good person, not perfect, but good and I deserve love and respect. I would love that to be with W but I will be happy in a relationship again one day. I also have four of the most fantastic kids in the world who's love is unconditional and nobody could or should ask for more. Take care
rd, I just want to say how I really admire how you've been there for your kids during all of this. Through your posts, I've seen how you've grown in this regard. Whatever happens with your W, know that you are serving as a great dad and role model to your kids. That should give you a sense of worth and purpose. I hope your blocked nerve improves.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
