Just like that

[MCS]

Eleven,

Sorry to see you here. As starsky said, most of us are all in somewhat of the same boat. It is the toughest thing I've ever been through, bar none. It's so tough seeing someone that you love do this and seemingly look out for no one but themself. Kids compound the pain for me, because there's so little we can do to make up for the sitch.

This is the best place to be, given the circumstance. There's vets here that do all of us a huge service by commenting and guiding us. They've seen most everything and most have successfully repaired their marriages. Then there's all of us novices. Most of the time for us, it's comforting to know how many others are going through the exact same circumstances and feelings. You'll see us commenting our opinions and they are just that. Mostly its group help for us and the things we say to others often help us put our situations in perspective. Sometimes the folks have constructive criticism, that's the best kind, the things that hurt to think about are usually the best to address.

A couple things that have helped me, so far. But also the toughest for me to handle.

- Take care of your kid, be their stability here. Make sure he knows you love him
- If in doubt about something, see if you can get advice here first before confronting your spouse.
- Try to realize that your wife is in a fantasy world right now, everything is right with OM and she thinks you caused all of the issues. My W told me the A was a symptom of How I treated her and Had nothing to do with her leaving. Believe nothing....don't take it personally (I should heed my own advice)
- they can only dodge 'life' for so long. Try to be prepared for when it starts to catch up with them. That's when the best time for reconciling, but there's little we can do to get them there. That's normally longer than we can stomach up front. I read last week 6-9 months is the average time to even start any reconciling, if it is going to happen.
- Try to balance out being cordial compared to enabling their activities. It's a fine line and hard to see what is what (another advice I need to work on myself)
- Try not to compromise things to protect yourself and kids because of trying to work on the R. Another really though balance.

[rd500]

Eleven. Just to echo what others have said. Follow the DB/DR books and post on here often. The vets are really helpful and the rest of us can give moral support. Try not to react to what you W says without first really listening and thinking about your answer. It is an incredibly tough time and it seems it will never end It will end and one day you will be happy again Take one day at a time and focus on your child , they come first no matter what. Take care

[eleven]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm doing the best i can to be cordial without being a doormat. A fine line for sure. It's early, so obviously i haven't seen any change in her stance, but it does make it easier for me when I'm able to control my mood around her.

My son is obviously not happy with the situation, but he is my first priority, and he knows that. He's the the one keeping me on track. I know I'll be happy again someday one way or another, but so far that tunnel seems too long to let the light through.

I've almost finished reading DB, and DR should be here by tomorrow. Again, I'm thankful for this forum. I'm sure I'd be spinning my tires if i hadn't found it.

[eleven]

There are days when i wonder if it's worth it. Will we reconcile? If we do will i ever trust her again. Of course i want to. I know I have along way to go.

She thinks she's being considerate by asking if it's ok that she leaves for the night to go see him. Asks me if I'm "cool" with it. How am I supposed to respond to that. Of course I'm not ok with it, but I can't tell her that.

[Wonka]

Hiya, Eleven.

Firs of all, you must stop acting like your W's best gay boyfriend. You are her H and she cannot disrespect you like this anymore.

To aid you, I'd suggest that you read up on HPoirot's threads here in the Newcomer's section asap to get some tips on how to set boundaries on your wayward wife who is involved in an active affair with OM.

Busting this Divorce-Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

eleven... don't take that "asking if it's ok that she leaves for the night to go see him" from your W! Don't take that! Every time she does that and you answer... you are pushing your wife out the door. She can't even say that to you. You are not her friend while she is doing this. She has to see you moving away from her and taking that friendship away for your M to have any chance. Please check out my sitch as Wonka suggests. That was the hardest few days of my life and there's no guarantees after. She's asking b/c she wants to get what she wants and still be friends with you. Don't do it. Stand up for you M and tell her she is being disrespectful. She won't like it... you will lose any affection you still get from her (in the short term)... but she will respect you. You don't get love without earning respect.

[Daisy11]

Eleven-

I am new also and of course can't give you any advice, but I am right where you are. The pain is overwhelming and my H does not speak to me or text me at all since I moved out 14 days ago. It is the longest we have ever not spoken to each other in 26 years.

It sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. I wish the very best for you.

[eleven]

How do i respond when she asks if it's ok if she goes out? She thinks she's asking incase I have plans because someone needs to be home with our son? Well, that's why I think she's asking. She's going to go anyways, so what do I say?

[HPoirot]

FWIW... if she doesn't say anything about OM. Confidently say "see you later" and look like you mean it (without a care where she's going) unless it doesn't work with your schedule. If it doesn't, politely say "that doesn't work for me. I have plans." Don't explain your plans and then go enjoy your plans.

In any case... let her know she should let you know her plans to go out a couple days in advance at least b/c you may have plans. Don't let her take your time for granted.

Please remember... I'm still learning and I make monstrous mistakes. This, though, has worked for me. W has to respect your time. Mine does now... let's me know days in advance when she's going out. Tells me where's she's going and with whom (unless I pissed her off first). Volunteers stories about her time out. She may be lying... but I work to show I don't care b/c I have other things to do (like hang with my boy).

Now, if she does say I'm meeting OM or anything about OM ever... look at Wonka's and Sandi2's posts on my thread. There's fantastic scripts there to let her know you will not tolerate her OM and you will not live in an open marriage.

[eleven]

Also, she doesn't specifically say she's going to see him, just if it's ok if she makes plans.