I have been married for four years. We have two sons. W asked for divorce.
I recently switched from active duty Marine officer to the reserves so I can be closer to my W because I sensed something was wrong. I did not know yet what it was. When I moved back home, my W was not the same and she always went out with her best friend. If she did come home, it would be just to clean up and go to work. I suspected an affair but when I confronted her, she would deny it.
When W finally broke down and told me what was wrong, she called me a liar. She was unhappy with the fact, I lie about small things. It made her feel I could lie about bigger things. And she did not like that I went to her mother for advice. She asked me for a divorce. I don't mean to lie. I was afraid of being imperfect in her eyes. I promised to change but her mind was made up.
The lease on our apartment was up. She informed me that I would not be moving in with her in her new apartment, so I moved in with my sisters. For 3 months, I only spoke to her when It came to the children. I avoided her. And if I did, it would be to push her towards the divorce. I was angry and confused. I didn't mean it. However,She has yet to file or do anything about it.
I am still very active in our children lives. She commends me on being on a good father. I recently made a push to reconcile with her but I feel like I pushed even father away. Any conversation about us is immediately met with hostility as if she is still hurt. she is afraid of being close to me because she feels I might try to push for reconciliation or talk about it. She doesn't really speak to me in public or say hi or bye to me. I do not know what to think about her current state of mind.
I really LOVE my W. I would anything for her. I made some changes for me to better myself. I am hoping she can see that and want to talk about us. She has already informed me this is not how she wants to raise our children with alternate weeks. Hoping she makes the leap to forgiving me.
any advice on what to do?
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
Yea, I am in a similar situation. D has not been brought up yet but S has. -Stay active with your children (they give me strength) -Don't focus on your W (she has to decide) -Make your interactions with her positive (do not look needy) -Get out, have fun, do somthing that you have been holding off on -Fix your issues with "lies" and whatever that implies (hey man we all have issues that need to be fixed - get help) -Stay strong, you need to be a good father and that means keeping relations strong with your wife and if that does not work out then building a stronger relationship with your next partner. -Good luck
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Welcome to the boards, you'll get great help here.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I've just read Sandi's 37 rules. I have a question. What if you had broken all those rules during the separation? I've been separated for 6 months now. Would it still help to implement them now?
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
I've just read Sandi's 37 rules. I have a question. What if you had broken all those rules during the separation? I've been separated for 6 months now. Would it still help to implement them now?
Hjoseph, sorry you are here. Keep posting, tell us more of your story.
Have you read DB or DR? These are critical.
As far as the rules go, if what you have been doing so far hasn't worked, then it can't hurt to try the rules, right?
Hi rppfl, you are correct. it wouldn't hurt to try something different. When my W first approached me about S, I didn't quite understand it. So, I pushed back. I didn't understand that all she needed was space. It took four months for me to finally get it and I had to move out to clear my head to gain that understanding. But, I believe when I was pushing back. I actually pushed her to point where she is now. She asked for D. However, since the day she asked, she has not done anything to show she is serious about it. no paperwork, no talks of separation of assets or talks about the custody of our son. Its been 7 months. Leads me to believe that asking for D was a way for her to get space and not have to talk to me about our M.I still spend a lot of time with my son and step son. What do you think?
She still has the pictures of our wedding of Facebook. She has not completely cut me off from her life yet. I maybe clinging to those simple signs as a signal for there is still hope, but I don't have anything else to cling onto at the moment. We only talk about the kids. Conversations about M are met with anger, where she iterates that there is no chance of R. I ignore her and choose not to believe her. Because, she sounds as if she is still hurting and not ready to talk. I can't tell if I have a chance at R but I don't want my M to end. I understand uncertainty is part of the process.But If I only knew if she still loves me , I would feel so much better. It would give me something to work out of instead of me always thinking I lost my W and she doesn't love me anymore. I came here to find out what should I do. She knows I love her. Her friends and family were on my side when this all first started. It made things worst because she accused of turning her family against her because I went to them for advice. But, I was not home but on deployment for 1 1/2 years. I didn't know what was going on with her. So, I went to the people who were around her when I was gone to ask what happened. She has said there was no OM and I take with suspicion but I have no proof. Right now, I am in a dark place and losing hope by the day. I believe my issue with my W can be worked out. I see it as a miniscule issue but I understand that its about how she feels about it. I have made some changes to my life for me that I know she would like but I don't think she cares right now. She has been living the single life for a long time. She might be attracted to not having a H right now. I am so confused.
Our issue: I didn't know how to handle certain trauma, I developed a dissociative identity disorder, so I would say things she considered lies that I thought were truths. She didn't like that. I lost her trust. Went to counseling. Got a handle on my problem. W still does not want to talk.
Me: 28 W:24 Kids: Step son 5, son 2 Married 3 years together 4 Wants separation : 4/24/2014 Talked about D: 5/1/2014
Me:28 W:24 M:4 years S5, SS5, S2 Separated: 07/01/14 Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph, you came here to find out what to do. Here's what you do: focus on you. Quit chasing her, quit trying to talk to her about the M, quit trying to convince her you've changed. Quit clinging. Let her go work out her own issues. Focus on yours.
You have listed some things you needed to work on, and it seems you have a good start on addressing them. Keep it up. Are there other things you need to work on? What would your W say that the issues in the M were?
What are you doing to get out and get a life (GAL)? Read DB and DR. Read them again.
You have seen that pushing doesn't work. It's time to try a different way. Give her the space she wants. Focus on you.
Give her space friend, all the space she needs...it is the only thing that will help you at this point. I am in the same situation...almost exactly.
Best of luck, you will get through.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
