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job #2511114 11/26/14 01:25 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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Wow, Matt. That is quite a story. You know, you hear about these things, but you never really picture yourself in a situation like that. Well, at least I didn't. It's good for me to hear what other's do. I know that ultimately I will have to make a decision (well... that's if it gets that far), but it is nice to hear others are OK, no matter what they decide. It is a healthy reminder.

bea & job, thank you so much. I actually feel good. I am going to take this time to get some things done and enjoy some time at home with my kids (if I can get s17 to stick around. I will probably have to make lots of cookies or something. That may work. wink

Mighty #2511118 11/26/14 01:48 PM
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This is hard to admit, but I am going in. I just want to get to the best place I can be. That means working through the not so good stuff, the stuff we don't like to admit, and the stuff we discover, of course, also with realizing and celebrating the good.

I think xh is like an addiction for me. I think I was addicted to him. That is why it was so hard to let him go at first. Along with the reality of what was happening and bd, addiction had a part in why I went into total shock and my body shut down.

I felt such physical withdrawal, along with mental, and emotional.

I yearned for him and craved for him.

I finally broke the addiction. I was OK without him. Contact with him was pretty much all negative, like the reminders of the horrible side-effects of an addiction. It helped me stay the distance. Made me see that I was unhealthy and want to make myself better. Remove myself from that addiction.

Now, those horrible side effects are not in sight. I see the pleasure and high of my addiction. I love it. And now that I've gotten a taste, I want more. Every interaction leaves me hanging wanting more. My thoughts of my life without my addiction have been slightly altered. Not in a sense of me losing my footing, so much, but of the short-term high. I don't always think long-term with my addiction, as addicts don't.

****

I am not showing desperation, and I am really OK, being alone. In fact, I don't want anyone in my space like that right now. I don't know what I want right now. But I do like the time together. But, like the addict, when I am with him, I want more. When I get a text or call, I am now happy and eager to open/answer, when not so long ago, it repulsed me. It reminded me of the time after bd, when I was getting led along, taking crumbs. When my phone would sound that there was a text, I would literally gasp a, "Huuuh!" and run to it. I almost feel that. Not to the same extent, but it leaves me wanting more.

This does not sound healthy. It is a very difficult place to be. I see he is being very cautious and taking things slowly. Although he has made no direct indication of wanting a reconnection, I believe there have been implications. However, I seriously cannot assume anything. And I would need to hear directly and see directly what it is he wants. I have a very hard time deciphering what the heck he is thinking. I try not to. I just try to go with the flow. I am not acting needy or desperate, but I also want to make sure I don't feel that way either.

Truth be told, I don't feel needy or desperate. I can tell I am much stronger than before. But, I know I have to be very cautious. And there are a lot of things in play here, too.

Mighty #2511120 11/26/14 01:56 PM
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Oh yeah, a little downer about my spa day. My credit card and a Home Depot gift card ($100) were taken from my purse while I was getting my surgery. I had my purse hanging in my recovery room...

c'mon.. seriously?!

I noticed last night and xh was like, "You better call! Aren't you gonna call?"

I am so used to this stuff... it is just a day in the life of Mighty. I just shrugged, like no biggie. I was like, "Eh, I will take care of it. It happens."

I just laughed it off. He seemed surprised that I showed no emotion to it at all.

That reminds me...

My brain does not work! I mean it, you guys. Like, I had trouble focusing and stuff before. But I can't remember ANYTHING! At all. It is crazy. It is just like my brain is stuck in gear and cannot go in any direction. Short-term memory is the WORST! Like s17 will ask me where I put something, and I'm like, "I really have no idea." And I seriously have NO CLUE! It happens all the time. Not forgetful... Nothing... with no hope of thinking about it. Dumb.

Mighty #2511216 11/26/14 07:11 PM
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Mighty,

There's a really good book which discusses the dynamics involved when a partner abandons a relationship. The author talks about the withdrawal the left behind spouse feels...she really goes into depth and explains the biochemical/brain chemistry of long-term relationships.

There are sound, biological reasons why you are feeling the way you feel...somewhat "addicted."

Text me if you want the name of the book.

I hope you are feeling ok today and got some much-needed rest.
:-)

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2511307 11/26/14 11:44 PM
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Hi, Mighty, I'm glad to read you're resting and taking care of yourself. I love your attitude about the missing "stuff".... It succkkkks.... But, in the big picture of things? Eh.

Love you, my superhuman friend.

((((((Hugs))))))

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Hey my girls, shining & Heather. Don't have my laptop bc xh "fixed" it & I no longer have connection. Gotta use my phone.

Man, he ticked me off tonight.

Things got intense w s17. Ended up calling police. I can't believe it's come to this, but he was in check tonight. Not happy, but followed rules.

Xh spent much of the evening here. Towards the end he started criticizing things. I was painting the dining room the whole night. I got so ticked. He was sawing things about the new bathroom I had finished. He asked if I wanted him to cry critique it. I was like, no, do you want me to critique your shoebox livingroom with furniture jam packed in it, which I saw for 2 seconds and you won't win if I say what I'm thinking. He was like, why are you getting mad?

I finished touching up the paint, did a quick clean up and got in the shower. A few min later he came to the door. He was like, bye, thanks. See you later.

I just said bye.

I don't know that I can do this. I mean, it was nice for a long time. He and d13 curled up on the couch as she caught him up on the latest. It was really nice to see.

But I don't need this. I don't need someone to critique me. How about saying something nice? I got the phone calls here at the house saying your and hww's furniture is in. While you and her shopped for your new house and you worked on that house & I was left w a disaster, not making a new house my own. The fun stuff. Doing electrical & plumbing & overwhelmed w EVERYTHING. Ugh, I just don't know that I can do this.

As much as I think do much less of HWW, I wonder things. Like as he says that, I get pi$$ed. Then I wonder if he is thinking about her. Then his bro sends a grp msg to a bunch of us. Xh who is in the msg obviously does not have phone. Is it bc if her? I don't think I can handle that.

He is home now, is he txting her? See I don't think I can do this. I punched the shower tiles. My hand hurts. That's the second time in a week. Last time it was a metal desk. Ugh.

Just say something friggin nice! Or get the f out. Bye, Felicia!

Mighty #2511376 11/27/14 04:07 AM
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Oooooohhh, my friend, I'm sorry it was a tough evening.

Police called on S17? That can't be a small thing.

The frustration, anger, distrust.....all of that is soooo normal right now, Might. One day at a time.

You don't have to decide whether you can do this today.

Ok.....wait....who's Felicia????


Love to you, Might.

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You know, s17 thinks he has everything figured out. He is just so disrespectful. It is unreal. And he tried swinging at xh tonight. But his mouth was the worst w me. Seriously for no reason. He had to be restrained. Blah, blah... I hate it. But I do think it was an eye opener for him.

Bye Felicia is just a dumb expression that I love. It's fun to say. Give it a shot sometime! It's like, whatev, b.

Just don't know. Things seem to be going too easily back to normal for me. I ain't the same chick, you know.

I mean, there should be a lot more compliments and much less criticism. Right? Making these comments while I was going it alone... And I think bout him w HWW. Grrrr... I mean, he does not make it sound like it was ever fantastic. But of course not.

Don't know, don't know. Of course, our time is about the kids, but damn. I don't trust the words or actions. But why would I trust Anyone? At this point, doesn't everyone have some kind if baggage?

Mighty #2511391 11/27/14 06:35 AM
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Right. Freakin' on, sistah. Everyone has the baggage.

You. You are what matters. You are the jewel. I'm so in"awe" of you.

And..... I'm going to practice saying "bye, Felicia" for fun.

Because it sounds more sane than "bye hww". !!!!

Mighty #2511393 11/27/14 06:49 AM
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Hi Mighty,
My D14 was reading something to me just tonight. It read that the human mind can only complely trust once. If the trust is broken, it will never be the same degree of trust again. So, you see, what you are feeling is normal. While you may learn to trust h sometime in the future, you may never be able to totally again. Definitely not without much time and work on his part. It's way too soon to expect that you won't have many feelings just like you described. Give yourself time, M. This is going to take time.

Happy thanksgiving!

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