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Joined: May 2007
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Hi Job,
I agree. I really need to not communicate with him as much. He really needs to know he can't count on me. He needs to know what it is like without me! He hasn't because we are still very much in each others lives.
I am going to try that now as difficult as it is with kids but I don't need the chit chat and stuff like that. I will just keep it as little as possible.
Here is what it's like. So I said yesterday, he called me about D. This am he called her on the way to school. He asked her how she was feeling? She hit her head yesterday pretty bad. She said it was still sore.
15 mins later he called me and asked me??!! I really feel he hates me but can't leave me alone?? Always has to have a hold? I need to pull the plug on that one and let him go down the drain.
I think it is the same for me. I need to let go to full get on with me. I have dated and I don't think of him all the time but I do still get sad. And have some hope in the back of my head.
Thanks


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Hi GB,

Part of my H MLC I believe is his lack of getting the job he is trained for and wants.
H has been going to school for 3 years prior to BD to be a paramedic fire fighter.
He has applied to many, many, many fire depts. and it is very hard to get a job here.
He has been working as a paramedic for the last year and it's part time. He can work as much as he wants but its just hours he gets. He will be getting a set schedule and full time. Yes, he maybe happy a while correct as it is not a fire job that he wants.
He is still (I am still at times) applying for jobs all the time. This is something I used to do all the time for him. I only do it every so often for him now.

Thanks


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Originally Posted By: job
The reason he can't look at you is because he feels guilty or he's lied to you about something. Sometimes they can't look at you because they don't want to see the pain that may be showing on your face...but I would sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap very soon.



Job,

You were so right on the next day he went to a concert with his gf instead of working.
Who cares. I obviously know he's with her? I guess he still feels
guilty and hide. Hr says I'll just get mad. I said no it doesn't bother me anymore.
But that's something he always does (lie) to avoid getting in trouble. At that time anyway. He was always caught (by me) and it would always have been a better outcome if he'd have just been honest.....never going to learn!!!


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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I'm sorry that I was pretty much on the mark w/this one. They would rather lie than tell the truth. Why? Because they don't want to hurt us or they don't want to hear the disappointment in our voices or see it in our expressions. So sad.

Will he ever learn? Time will tell. Keep the expectations very low or zero. He's still trying to figure things out for himself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh, well Job, I pretty much new he was not really lying to me just not telling me something. He obviously feels guilty still and doesn't ant to get in "trouble".
There is no reason to hid it but that's his personality....
He is making a huge effort to get along and wanting to do things around the house. He wanted to fix my door knob and said he'd do it when he dropped off the kids. I sent him a text saying he didn't need to do it. He replied back why?? I didn't respond.
When he dropped off the kids he came in with his tools to fix it??? I don't know I am confused about his actions. I guess still wants to feel as if we need him or needs to take care of us??
I have also noticed he really shuts down arguments. Which is good! but also something new. Usually, he will get mad and fight will last a day or so. I should be happy I know, just confused by his changes.
Any advise as to how I should proceed. Insist he doesn't do things, or embrace it? He still has his "love of his life" not that, that matters.
I have been really trying to keep communication short and only about kids when necessary.

Thanks


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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Continue as you have been. If you are comfortable w/him doing some jobs/chores around the home, especially those that need to be done, then go for it. However, if you don't feel comfortable w/him being there, then tell him you would prefer he not do them.

They do have a way of "skirting the truth w/o actually lying. It's sad because it's far better to tell the truth because none of us can keep the lies straight if there are too many to deal with.

Do what you think is best for YOU.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I would love for him to do my whole list. This is a man who would do anything for everyone who asked and not for me or at home. So, this is a little strange.
I have no problem being around him and enjoy it. I know not to expect anything to come of it. I am just wonder if it makes it easier on him? Or he is thinking differently about our sitch? Or probably just being nice still feeling guilty?

Yes, he will never, I am afraid, ever stop the lying to avoid confrontation or getting caught. That is just him frown He will always say when I say why lie about it? He says I didn't want you to get mad. This was learned from childhood!!


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Member
OP Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
As far as me? I would be happy for him to complete whole list!!
At least after all these years get something out of him and to take time away from GF who already gets only a couple of days a month. He has said she gets mad smile oh darn. Yes, a little revenge there!!
Seriously, I need the work done. Why not let him...


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Member
OP Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
Well, its been a while since I've been here. Not much as changed. Still trying to divorce but my husband's attorney is an idiot! But anyway.
We still talk daily and he continues to do stuff around the house. No gf talk although I think she got tired of not seeing him and it's over.
He has a permanent shift now and has kids on all his days off. No GF time. frown
Anyway i have a question.
I and or the kids have asked H to do things with us and he always says I have to check I was going to work overtime or something.
I said to him tonight, if you don't want to do something when we ask just let me and/or the kids know you don't have want to do something with me there.
He said I'm just not ready to do that yet. I said I understand. Thanks.
Just wondered what others thought about this. Thanks!


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
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Member
OP Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 502
I do want to add when we separated 7 years ago for 8 mos. He would call when drinking and on sometimes we would ML a few times a month. He had a gf some of the time then too. But he wasn't in love with her like he says he is with this one.
Maybe he's scared to get to close and have feelings??
He definitely makes an effort to not be around me and rarely will come in the house unless fixing something.
I know he really wants a divorce and doesn't want to get back together.
I did ask him one day if he had ever thought about not getting a divorce? He said no. I said well I guess because always done is fight? He said yes.


M15 T19
D13 S13
BD Affair 9/13
S 11/13
D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together.
Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
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