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labug #2510050 11/22/14 10:56 PM
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I don't think that was too harsh, so I'm ok smile I see what you're saying. I think I'm having trouble accepting that this behavior/"who he is"/the copping out is reality because it's not at all what I value in people, and I don't want to be around such people... because then that means I'm really no longer interested in him and it's time to let him go. He's not who I thought he was, or what I wanted him to be. And that's a very difficult thing to come to terms with, I guess.

I did a little GAL thing today - an old friend from high school asked about getting together for lunch. Normally I'd be "meh" about getting together on such short notice, but I figured why not? It was good to get together and catch up. Of course, the topic of H came up. Friend told me that she never wanted to say this before because of how I might react... but apparently she and another friend (we'll call other friend "E") were out somewhere and ran into H sometime a little before our wedding. According to my friend, H kept talking to E (she felt like he was hitting on her.. who knows) and then afterwards got in touch with my friend to suggest they all hang out together and asked for E's contact info. =| Not the best thing to hear, but maybe he's just really always been someone other than I thought and I just wasn't fully aware (or ignored it). It doesn't really matter at this point so I'm not going to dwell on it or try and confirm whether or not it happened like how she says, but it adds another nail to the coffin of the person I thought H was. Friend is pretty anti-H (told me "he's always been a d*ck, sorry to say") so it could be a skewed story... but I don't want to be with someone that people are telling stories about and that I have to constantly worry about when they go places w/out me.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2510157 11/23/14 03:12 PM
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So thinking more about my last post... I knew all these things about H, I just chose to "forgive him" (which really meant holding on to it and hanging it over his head later/bringing it up when he did a similar thing again) and hope that he'd not do that stuff again. But he kept doing it anyway - IMs to a girl from our high school saying they could get together during Thanksgiving and I wouldn't have to know, breaking up with me in college to email a girl in one of his classes to ask about getting together now that he didn't have a girlfriend (and then wanting to get back with me when she said no), breaking up with me again to "see what's out there", and so on and so forth. Now it's a pattern and I think it's time for me to just accept that that's who he is (always looking for what else might be out there, I guess?) and without some significant change or something to show me that's different, it's time to let go of him. I would ask for change in the past, but he wouldn't do it, and I'd just be happy he came back so I let it slide. This behavior has only cont'd to make me sad over time - I don't want that in my life.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2510206 11/23/14 08:00 PM
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Originally Posted By: KGirl
So thinking more about my last post... I knew all these things about H, I just chose to "forgive him" (which really meant holding on to it and hanging it over his head later/bringing it up when he did a similar thing again) and hope that he'd not do that stuff again. But he kept doing it anyway - IMs to a girl from our high school saying they could get together during Thanksgiving and I wouldn't have to know, breaking up with me in college to email a girl in one of his classes to ask about getting together now that he didn't have a girlfriend (and then wanting to get back with me when she said no), breaking up with me again to "see what's out there", and so on and so forth. Now it's a pattern

wow, that IS a pattern and has been for awhile....geez. Man, I think he's done you a favor.

Your one liner for the elevator can be "turns out, he didn't want to be married." The end. Seriously, there's not going go a big follow up with that and it's not really blaming him but it's not you taking it on either. And, it's true.




and I think it's time for me to just accept that that's who he is (always looking for what else might be out there, I guess?) and without some significant change or something to show me that's different, it's time to let go of him.

I would ask for change in the past, but he wouldn't do it, and I'd just be happy he came back so I let it slide. This behavior has only cont'd to make me sad over time - I don't want that in my life.



Well It's clearly not behavior designed to make you feel good, that's for sure. You'd always feel like his back up plan and by your dating history, you were.

You can now meet someone who "gets" you and be a priority in their life. Once you see how that feels, you will NOT miss your ex h.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2510455 11/24/14 03:01 PM
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About the elevator response, that's a good one but lets take this a step further.

Do you see how you give up your power in trying to answer questions nosy, almost strangers might ask? Decide who's on your need to know list, going from who you feel gets the whole story out to who gets the "he didn't want to be married" response. I think you'll find most people are in the latter category. You own your power when you decide who gets to hear what.

You give up power when you think you have to answer questions from people with no personal stake in your life and that it matters how they judge you.

You're doing great, K. I think your fog is starting to roll out. smile

Last edited by labug; 11/24/14 03:02 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2510560 11/24/14 07:21 PM
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I like that answer better


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2510704 11/25/14 02:36 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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"You give up power when you think you have to answer questions from people with no personal stake in your life and that it matters how they judge you." - yes, that's it, I'm worried about how they'll judge me unless I spill everything. The whole caring so much about what others think is something I need to work on (though, probably a thing for most people, I think).

I am kind of scared that as the fog leaves, I'll find that maybe I do believe he did me a favor, and maybe this is actually a good thing :S which to me means now I'm being like him and just giving up. There were plenty of times where he betrayed my trust and was disloyal, without actually physically cheating on me. 25 - there was some earlier point where someone else posted to me, quite bluntly, that I was always H's plan B. At the time and up until recently I heard that but didn't necessarily want to believe it. I thought that maybe he was just confused, he didn't realize what he had, and he could come around like some sort of fairytale and tell me he realized how great I was and I really was his first choice. Well, that hasn't happened in almost a year now, and it may well not happen ever, so I guess I need to give up that fantasy.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2510723 11/25/14 03:18 AM
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KGirl- I'm new here but I'm struggling with the elevator speech as well. Close, and I mean close friends know. I just struggle with everything/everyone else. There's not a healthy way of putting "my husband bottled up 31 years of emotions and blames all his life problems on me. I don't know if we will work out, doubtful, as I'm apparently the most manipulative woman in the world!"

Makes me sound horrible and him sound, well, I don't know what it makes him sound.

"We are having issues, and my husband chose to leave me to figure it out?" Yuck.

I've kept deathly quiet for the (short) duration of my stitch because I'm worried about what others will think. My marriage is on the rocks, and I'm worried about a random coworker who I see maybe once a month giving me a pitying look at the holiday party. WTF? I need to let go as well.

As for everything else - I think you've been handling it with poise and grace. I don't think that giving up means you're just like him. Perhaps you're letting yourself be free - in whatever since that might bring you.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
KGirl #2510830 11/25/14 03:05 PM
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How is that giving up rather than responding to the reality of your situation?

We have control of only ourselves, We can't make someone be who we think we need them to be.

And just so you know, I used to be an over-sharer because I had to explain everything so others could see that I had been right in the situation. Most people don't give a flying F.

Ego. Let it go.

Last edited by labug; 11/25/14 03:06 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2511040 11/26/14 02:13 AM
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Because then I'm not really "trying" to bust the D, I guess, or rebuild our M. I'm just letting the D happen. But that's really the only option available to me at this point.

Hmm... yep, I do have that same problem (want to explain everything to others to show I am right).

So I know what's holding me back. Fear of judgment from others, fear of feeling like I gave up on the M if I believe that maybe this is for the best/he was not a good partner, feeling stuck wondering why he's doing this. How do I get past those things? I feel like I don't know what to "do" (or do I know and I just don't realize it?)


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2511054 11/26/14 03:57 AM
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Hi KGirl,

Sorry to hear that you are so hurt with all what is happening.

I read so much of the negative side of the story, but you have been with this men for so long... you are here too. So you know that there is some good in him. Maybe there are some issues to work on if you two get together again, but you came to these boards because you believe you did not want to loose him.

I get all the need to explain and expose the situation to others, but some people are like snakes and they take great joy in putting someone down. A real friend will give you advice to help you and maybe even protect you, but a real friend won't let you down, they will respect your opinion, they will ask what you want to do and help you to get there, even when they don't agree with you.

Don't feel your heart with gossip and venous comments, it will just stop you from being a great person. Follow your instincts, and if it comes to leaving your H, then you will do it because it's best for you alone.

You can be your best friend, I know it, sometimes I look in the mirror and I know I can't lie to myself and I know what I want, even if it is against all opinions, all odds.

What about your goals, your 180s, GAL. I know that being here is also a learning process of how to change our actions and this way change H reactions.

Take a step back and balance the good and the bad, maybe you can find your answers inside your heart. Remember that when you say you are done will be because you did all you could to save you M.

And do what Michelle says... patient, patient and patient. If after all the hard work you realize that you will be better off without H, then you will be free for the next step in your life, and will be happy too.

Just a though... I am new to all this, have big problems with my H, his affair, I have bad days and good ones, I am learning how to detach, how to love someone from the distance, how to set boundaries, well a whole deal of new me. So, it's just a though to storm your thinking.

Good luck in your journey, hope you find some peace within yourself.
A big nice hug to you sunshine.

Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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