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Maybell #2510863 11/25/14 04:06 PM
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Maybell,

This is the gem from Betsey that you alluded to earlier about resentments:

Originally Posted By: Underdog
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.


Originally Posted By: Maybell
I feel like I asked him to take on some of those responsibilities but his decision not to meant that the burdens fell disproportionately on me, and that the freedom and pleasure fell disproportionately on him. this disproportion has increased by his decision to abandon altogether the life we jointly created.


I believe that resentment sets in when we are disappointed with our expectations not being met. An expectation is a belief we hold about how another person should act or behave.

Originally Posted By: Maybell
i set the boundary several weeks ago that I didn't want to be involved in he logistics of his holiday travel and yet because the children live with me I'm the one who had to rush through the laundry and pack their suitcases. How do I let go of the resentment of having been unjustly punished for his crisis when I feel like I'm the only person who is paying the price for his ch!tty coping skills?


Go back to the point about expectations not being met. I am wondering if you are confusing H's "chitty coping skills" with having your expectations being unmet.

Suppose you have zero expectations. Then there's no bar for H to meet therefore you're not disappointed with whatever outcome that results from said event.

I am wondering if the fact that H fell off from your pedestal is when you began to shutting down and shutting out any possibility that H is doing his best with what he's dealing with now. Not perfectly.

The expectations we're concerned with are those that don't stem from mutual agreement.

What say you, Maybell?


Last edited by Wonka; 11/25/14 04:07 PM.
Maybell #2510864 11/25/14 04:12 PM
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Wow, I have the SAME resentment. You articulated it better than I've ever been able to.

I have no idea how to work through it really.

I've heard that the way to work through resentment is to find your role in it. So specifically, what's your role in this travel stuff? You're upset by having to do last minute laundry and pack... But why do you have to do that?

What happens if he does it? If you were going away for Thanksgiving with the kids, you'd do it for yourself, no? If he's taking the kids for the holiday, he can do it. This is how separate lives and divorce works. Let him have this responsibility.

H doesn't have stuff to pack for them? Can you allow him to come over and figure that out with the kids? Preferably while you're in the shower and inaccessible. Laundry not finished? He has a washer and dryer, right?

Lack of planning on his part (and taking responsibility for packing the kids up to spend a holiday with you is about planning) does not necessitate an emergency on your part.

What he forgets to pack he can buy. That's parenthood. That's reality.

Now, the big step, laying that boundary.

What do you think?

Last edited by Ss06; 11/25/14 04:13 PM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Maybell #2510872 11/25/14 04:32 PM
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Nothing is ever going to be completely equal but...

I would ask why did you have to rush through the laundry and pack their suitcases? Who expected that you, or H. I'd bet your 11 year old could pack her own suitcase and the 8 yr old can start to learn. 6 could probably do a pretty decent job. You may not like what they choose and may have to check the underwear situation. smile

Letting go of past resentments is very different from allowing new resentments to take root.

About the kids and illness and who handles what, my H and I rotated when the kids were little. I know your H has an important, interesting job and travels a lot. He also has 3 children who need care. You either accept that he can't/won't provide 50% of that and move on or you could say, "we both have 2 very important jobs, parenting and working out side the home. We need to need to come up with a mutually (kids, you, him) beneficial solution for when the kids are sick and can't go to school."

Don't let fear hold you back.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2511000 11/25/14 11:47 PM
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D11 does pack her own suitcase.

The kids live 90% with me, and 90% of their belongings are with me. I have a new full-time job and I fell behind on the laundry. I had to rush through it to have enough clean clothes to pack.

I don't know what would have happened if I'd asked H to do the packing. I guess I took it on myself because they live here and I'd rather do the work than have him in my space.

I think quite a lot of my upset today was about the holiday but I need to give some thought to the good advice I got and figure it all out.

I worry today that I was too remote at the conferences. I know a lot of what's going on wi the kids and I was prepared for the meetings with stuff I know H knows nothing about. He could, if we were on closer terms, but we haven't yet figured out the co-parenting relationship because we haven't discussed it. I did mention this afternoon that we needed to have a conversation about Christmas. Maybe I'll use that conversation as an opportunity to talk about do-parenting more generally.

Maybe also I need to have another coaching session.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511019 11/26/14 12:56 AM
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Here's a first stab at dealing with the expectations thing.

When I say ch!tty coping skills, I'm talking about the crisis that led to the A, almost two years ago now. We had some money issues that I was kind of shocked into knowledge of because H had care of the money and I had care of everything else. we put our house on the market and dealt with that time very poorly. We became increasingly estranged. I thought he needed time and space to deal with things, so I gave it to him. That was a very rough year. I bounced back a little better because from my perspective the problem was on the way to being solved. That's not how he saw it, apparently, though we have pretty poor communication practices and never discussed things well. (What a shock!!)

How he's coping with things now I couldn't say. I struggle to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm working on it but it's coming slowly. I did not realize how very much resentment I've been harboring. Getting past my fury at the affair has been a recurring part of that. I wanted to forgive readily so we could have the relationship we both deserve. That was very naive. And lacking in self-knowledge.

I so don't want to be that angry, resentful person. It is so hard to catch myself and stop. HTIYM talks about monocular vs binocular vision. I feel like I have binocular vision when he's not around. To the extent I've been able to change my attitude in his presence, it's mostly by acting "as if" I had binocular vision, and then letting myself reflect when he has come through after the fact. I'd say I'm very moderately successful even at identifying "as if" opportunities. I probably miss 60% of them.

It is also true that there are some positives in my sitch, and yet this afternoon I was sure we're headed for divorce. (Some of you might remember my epic freak-out episodes; this was a tiny version of that). I don't think we're headed in any direction at this moment. I get the sense we're both watching to see what might happen. I'm trying, so hard. I wish I didn't have so far to go.

Did I cover it? No, I barely talked about old resentments. Is it ok if I just leave them alone? I don't want to go back there. i am very tired.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511023 11/26/14 01:13 AM
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Btw... I have seen a couple of his new outfits and they look nice. I really liked the shoes he had on today. But I can't seem to find the words to say so, even though he has complimented me several times. I'd like to. Is it lingering anger that stops the words in my mouth? Or fear? Or pride?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511027 11/26/14 01:19 AM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell


I wanted to forgive readily so we could have the relationship we both deserve. That was very naive. And lacking in self-knowledge.



Ditto. For a long time I was ready to forgive and move on. I would have swept the whole BD under the rug had H been willing. And it's been a gift that he wasn't.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2511029 11/26/14 01:27 AM
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Yes, 100%. Isn't it weird to feel grateful for this experience?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511046 11/26/14 03:14 AM
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When my H gets back from his trip, I'd like to touch his skin for a moment. Just his hand or his arm, for just a moment. Not to get anything out of it other than the touch; I realize where we are.

Is that the wrong thing?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2511048 11/26/14 03:22 AM
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I don't think there's anything wrong with craving human touch, especially from someone it used to be so natural with. As long as you dont expect it to change anything of course --and I know you don't.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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