My W and I had some discussions over the weekend regarding what life will look like after D.
She is obviously dead set against it, and is in no way shape or form "on the fence".
My strategy (as discussed with my DB coach), is to simply make this process as friendly as possible. If D is a given, then it's in my best interest going forward to put as little pressure on her as possible. Do nothing to create animosity.
We sat and talked for a long time. We both recognized the mistakes of the past, not just from my end, but from hers as well. We said that we will always have a relationship with each other. Our relationship is not ending, it is simply evolving.
Last Friday, she had dinner with my brother. It was the 1st time she has seen him in 6 months (since the A). She told me that he is, and always will be, like a brother to her.
Regarding life after D -- The good thing is, my W and I agree on just about everything (sale of the home, distribution of marital assets, custody, etc), so there will be no lawyers involved here. We also said that regardless of how our living situations turn out, we will always be welcome in each other's homes. I know, kind of weird. It's like she wants to retain all of the good there is in our family life as much as possible after D, but can't take it to the next logical step of actually keeping the family intact. The pain I caused her runs deep, and all the reasons why we shouldn't be together get reinforced as long as she holds onto that pain.
She noted that she wants to take several items in the house with her. Some of these are very special things -- things that we bought together when we didn't have much money. Things that I bought her before my infidelity which have special meaning to her. She wants to hold onto those things.
I'm not sure what to really make of this situation as it stands right now. I feel like I'm just coming along for the ride on the D-train. In a lot of ways, I've been talking myself into D. Maybe it's a psychological reaction to the present circumstances -- a defensive mechanism to save me from further pain. I don't know. I've asked myself what I would do, if my ideal woman came into my life right now and said she wanted to be with me. Would I welcome her advances? Would I quickly move towards D myself, in order to be with this other woman? Sadly, I can't answer that question very easily right now. But I think the answer to that question may answer whether or not D is the right choice for both of us.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
The day-to-day interactions between my W and I have improved exponentially this week. Now that she believes that I have bought into the idea of D, and knows that I want to do this in the most amicable way possible, she no longer feels the pressure or anxiety around me, and it shows.
But I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm afraid that if I switch gears, or even hint at wanting to try to make this marriage work, that it'll ruin the much improved relationship that we have now -- one where we can be totally honest with each other, with no expectations.
If our relationship can only improve from this point, then I feel like I need to be on-board and go through this D process with her. Relationships can be rebuilt, even after D.
Am I crazy to think this way?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Here is part of an e-mail she wrote to her friend on Saturday afternoon (before we had our heart-to-heart talk). She shared this with me today.
"Finding out that he did indeed have intercourse with those escorts and how much money he drained really validates my strong conviction why there is no way I can be with him. No matter how much he has changed. I can't be with him because we are fundamentally two different people, with different outlook on life, different values in life, etc. Most importantly we don't have the trust anymore.
I can look in to anyone's eyes and have no regrets leaving him, falling in love and engaged in an affair with [OM] while still married. I won't apologize for falling in love with the love of my life. I wish circumstances were different for me and [OM] and who knows our path, but we both know this love is really once in a lifetime if you are lucky!
Well, my comment is - if it was such a once in a lifetime love, and the love of her life....why did it end?! I read somewhere that A's are deceitful and can cause scars across generations. So people frequently justify them (to themselves and others) as - this thing was bigger than the both of us...the love was so strong....I found my soulmate etc.
In respect of the escorts, and having intercourse with them. I can see that's really hard to overcome. I haven't fully read your sitch. How long ago was this. And what have you done by way of reparation and to try and rebuild trust?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Very sorry you find yourself in this situation. Hope things get better for you as time passes. Take good care after yourself, each, exercise, sleep well.
Reading what you say your W tells you and is doing I would say she will go through with D even if she changes her mind later.
Somehow she feels like suffocating right now. Once it's all done, she will have time to relax and think about many different things.
She will then give space for some positive you both had during the M. And I would think there were many.
Please, I would listen to 25 very close, she is smart and gave you a very good advice. Do the exercises and follow your heart.
We can't say what will happen tomorrow, your W may decide to reinvest in the R... or not. The important thing here is that you become a person you love. YOU are important.
Tonight, we will be getting the "D agreement" (which she prepared) signed and notarized. We both acknowledged that it is a gesture of good will so we have a legal document confirming all the things we verbally agreed to.
After this, she wants to have dinner with me, just the two of us. I will be acting cool and calm throughout this, without adding any pressure of reconsidering, getting back together, etc. I will also be avoiding any talk about our past failures. I'll only reminisce about the good memories we've shared, only if she brings it up.
My wife leads with her feelings, so if her feelings are there for me, she will be sure to let me know and act accordingly (including putting the D on hold). I cannot force her to think or feel anything, so I just need to accept her and focus on the other things that are going on in my life that are important to me. That starts tonight, where I will simply be enjoying the company and having good conversation with the mother of my children. Nothing more, nothing less.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
