I decided to start a new thread in this section to perhaps get a different set of eyes on my story, and it probably belongs in this section anyways.
For those new to my story, here is a brief synopsis of my situation:
2006 - 2011: I was addicted to escort services. I cheated on my W for 5 years, using family money to finance my infidelity, losing jobs, losing friends, and losing my integrity.
2011 - 2014: My W carried the pain of my past indiscretions, and lost a sense of trust and security in me. I was oblivious to the level of pain I caused.
May 1st - W engaged in EA then PA with her manager at work, who is also married with two kids.
June 25th - W drops bomb on me. Tells me she has decided to leave me, and also reveals OM. Identity of OM is revealed a week later.
July - Confusion, pain, begging & pleading, trying to make my case to keep the family intact. Lots of conversations (too much, actually) about the R, the A, and the OM. Went back & forth between telling my W that I am letting her go, and telling her that I want her back.
August - Made a committment to follow DB methods 100%, and to become a man only a fool would leave. Struggled a lot with setting boundaries.
September - Difficult month with birthdays and anniversary. More tears. More pursuit. More contacts with OMW which eroded more trust my W had in me. OM leaves to start new job 2000 miles away.
October - New jobs for both my W and I. An awakening, and a change of scenery in my life. More time spent GAL. Less pressure put on W. Day-to-day interactions more pleasant.
November - My W has become more distant. Feels anxious around me. We went on a family vacation and had a huge argument. Big setback. She feels I am not giving her enough space, and reiterated her intention to file, as well as her love for the OM. She indicated that she wants to move out and live with her parents. Does not want to spend the holidays with me, at all.
Children (7 and 3) have been shielded from the situation and are unaware of what's going on (so we think). We still live under the same roof, share finances. Everything else is the same.
Over the months, I've become more involved as a parent and as a domestic partner. I've also taken my career more seriously and I actually see a bright future for myself. I've treated my W and her parents with more respect and thoughtfulness. Despite the situation, I'm in a much better state -- mentally, physically, and spiritually.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
What happened from 2011 - 2014? Did you give up your indiscretions?
I don't know how one can really build trust after all that. My best guess is be a great guy, strong, truthful, joyful. She may or may not care to notice.
For the sake of your children, if you do get divorced, try and remain with in the house and try to get joint custody with a provision that neither of you can move more than a set distance from the other without the other's permission.
Yes. I gave up that lifestyle. At first, it was simply sheer willpower and the threat of my wife leaving me. Then in 2012, I had a major health scare, and that changed my life.
Thanks for posting.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
And despite all of that, she still desires a good relationship with me and wants to remain good friends. She reiterated this to me just 3 days ago.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Did you ever did any MC after you gave up your addiction? Some people hold on to resentment and grudge.
Did your W ever had a chance to express herself openly about how did she manage to stay with you during that owe full time?
And, do you have any idea of what your W is looking for in this OM, what he is giving her that she is willing to end her M and knows that she is damaging someone else's M?
Did you set up some goals you think you can accomplish at least before she files for D?
I know it hurts, I am hurting too... but until you decide it's done, you can always have hope.
We did one or two sessions of MC back in 2009 after one of the times I got caught. At the time, I tried to make a commitment to stop my behavior, but it was short-lived. I also didn't take MC (or our marriage in general) as seriously as I should have (and certainly not as seriously as I do now that it seems too late. She most definitely is holding onto resentment. The healing never took place.
Yes, she did express to me. She questioned herself a lot. She didn't want to be a failure, and it killed her inside because she is so successful in everything else she does. She also said that despite the fact that I hurt her, she did everything she could to protect me and make excuses for me. This is why she never ever shared her story or pain with any of her friends or family (until now).
She has told me on numerous occasions that the OM has nothing to do with her decision to leave. Of course, it's hard for me to believe it since her decision coincided with the start of her affair. I know the OM is more successful, but she has told me that his success is irrelevant. Maybe he's better looking. I don't know. Maybe he touches her emotionally in a way that I can't or never have. I don't know him, and I never met him, so I know little about him (other than what my W has told me). I think one thing that I'm pretty sure of is that he "gets" her, and understands her. My W has indicated to me (even recently) that I don't really know or understand her. She has absolutely no remorse about what she's doing to the OMW and their children. She acknowledges the harm being done, but there is no remorse.
My main goal before she files for D is to be as detached as possible and mentally prepared for her decision. I've thought long and hard, and I think the thing that pains me the most is the thought of my children growing up in a broken family. I am also very sentimental, and I am saddened when I think of the house that we built, the memories we've shared, etc., and the idea that all of it will be flushed down the toilet.
Thanks.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Spending Thanksgiving with my side of the family and the kids. We had a great day. They had fun playing with their aunt, uncle, & cousin.
My W decided to stay home and have a quiet dinner with her parents. She sent me a couple texts throughout the day just asking where the kids are, and another one saying she just watched Hunger Games and thought it was great.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think these last couple of days were the first where I felt like I really didn't want to be anywhere near her. I could have come back home today, but I'm much happier here at my parents house instead, surrounded by people who love me. I don't want the stress of being around my W. I'm actually looking forward to her moving out.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Had another talk with the W again. I made it clear to her that I didn't want to get involved in this type of conversation. She said she had things she wanted to say. I told her I would listen.
The one point she wanted to make was that she doesn't feel like she is the right woman for me -- that she never really was, but didn't have the courage to face reality. She was "going through the motions". We both were. She said that she truly hopes that I find someone who can make me happy, that I deserve better. She said she was sorry that she never treated me the way a husband should be treated, and she broke down in tears. I replied, "I didn't exactly make it easy on you". We both cried, and shared a hug.
While we embraced, she said to me, "We'll get through this tough time together, my old friend."
I'm still processing all of this, and I'm not sure what I'm feeling at this point. It almost feels like a weight has been lifted. We both addressed the feelings of anxiety around each other over the last few months. After our talk, we went out with the kids to have a nice dinner, and to walk around the shops. It was a relaxing time, and I didn't feel any anxiety. I just let go. I think she did too, as she was noticeably different around me (in a good way).
She still intends to file for divorce (as she reiterated), but somehow I was at peace when she said that. I think more and more that she's truly and genuinely moved on, and it goes WAY beyond her affair fog. I suppose only time will tell.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
