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To recap my last post. W accused me of doing something to her phone / Sons iPad, so he could see "all her stuff". I know she is hooked up to the cloud, but I hadn't done anything with these devices. I hadn't even looked at her phone for about a month, when I confronted her with proof of affair.

She took my work computer, DB book, personal credit card and divorce help CDs. When I confronted her, she wouldn't give my computer back unless I told her how to open our safe. I had already given her the combo months ago. I showed her. She gave the computer back but said she didn't have any of my other stuff.

I tried to stay calm and did for the most part. Apparently she had someone hack into my computer, since it was password protected. W tried to say she saw all kinds of stuff but couldn't give me any details other than a package I was suppose to get the next day. The only personal things on there was downloads of ebooks, video and audio on marriage and divorce self help.

W was trying to put me on the defensive, because I started standing up to her and not being her errand / chore boy any longer. We talked for awhile about each other's hurt and where we go from here. Neither one of us know if we want to try and save the marriage at this point. She wants us to talk more. In the past she did not want to talk about it or go to counseling. I know I talked too much and let her make me feel guilty, so I need to get back on track. I set some ground rules about keeping the boys out of our problems and if she tried to empty our bank accounts or sell our gold coins, that would be the end for me.

She started to be nice to me. We hugged. She thanked me for praying that night in bed. She sent me a text today saying she was thinking about me and wanted to know how my day was going. I texted her back That was sweet. It's going great! Staying positive but don't trust her. I think it is just a ploy to get what she wants from me. Time will tell. Family going on a cruise over Thanksgiving. Praying it goes well.


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Ok...I need to hear from vets here. She stole your work comp, had someone try to hack it, and refused to return it unless you met her conditions? And that just got swept under the rug?

I must be missing something. Is this not simply crazy? Are you protecting yourself from her next episode? I get its 'situational', but that doesn't mean it's not crazy.


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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Ok...I need to hear from vets here. She stole your work comp, had someone try to hack it, and refused to return it unless you met her conditions? And that just got swept under the rug?

I must be missing something. Is this not simply crazy? Are you protecting yourself from her next episode? I get its 'situational', but that doesn't mean it's not crazy.


You did miss something -- "they hugged."

Oye, vay. crazy crazy crazy



Starsky

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mikechc Offline OP
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I give up! She is a much better manipulator than I am strong. Not sure if it is worth staying married. I am so confused. Now what?? Start from scratch again? This really [censored]!


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Ok. We are planning on going on a cruise tomorrow with the boys and both of our parents. Is there anything I can do to start redeeming myself? I am so pissed at myself for not standing up for myself more. What should I have done in the above situation?


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I had a very similar relationship with my STBX (was a WAW). What I learned after 8 months down the road is that this is what is called a Sh*t test. She is acting like a teenager testing your boundaries.

Hug's don't make up for horrible behavior in a relationship. It sounds like you are pretty resentful of being treated that way, you don't trust her (rightfully so). And you are just giving her more time to plan.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
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mikechc Offline OP
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BigMac. Thanks for your comments. I think after I started defying her requests, she pushed back to put me back where she wants me, so she can continue her double life. She said she was worried about our 14 S and divorce would really hurt him. She played my emotions to a T. W also said things like she was just starting to warm up to me. She wanted us to talk more. How about some action ending the A? That would have the most impact on our Sons. But she still denies anything is going on.

Wondering if I should tell her I'm not interested in talking until A ends. W gives me the BS that she is praying about what God wants her to do. Excuse me! The bible is clear about Adultery. I didn't say that to W.

Talking to Chuck, DB coach in a few hours. Hopefully he can give me some direction, but am always open to wisdom from everyone here.


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mikechc, I had similar issue with my W keeping us friendly while lying to me about contact with OM. I had to confront her and say we're not friends while she's in contact with OM. I enjoyed our interactions and it put me in a weak position. After the confrontation, I enforce by keeping our interactions businesslike. I don't allow the friend activities she still likes to do with me. I do still fall for interaction like I did last night. I am getting better at pulling way back.

So, limit her access to you. Don't answer every phone call. Don't answer texts if it's not an emergency. When I did this, my W freaked out and relentlessly punished me by doing to me what I was doing to her. At the same time, she noted the courage it took for me to change our R that way. Take the lead in you R. Check out my last 2 threads for that ordeal.

Your friendship is important to her. She can't have it while making the choices she's making. That's what Starsky is talking about when he says "balls" and I felt plenty fear when I went to grab mine. You have to... be friendly but take your friendship and support away from her. You'll note her doing what she did... give you a nice talk and some physical touches. If she talks, stand beyond arms reach from her leaning on a wall. Don't lean forward. Look interested but not too interested. Keep you feet shoulder width apart and hook your thumbs in your front pockets. Stand firm. Politely end the conversation yourself b/c you're busy and walk away before she gets you with her hug. Stop showing unconditional support and empathy.

So, plainly let her know you're not her friend while she's in her A. That's the consequence for her actions. Then act like a polite man who has stuff other than her going on.

Last edited by HPoirot; 11/25/14 08:32 PM.

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Originally Posted By: mikechc


Talking to Chuck, DB coach in a few hours. Hopefully he can give me some direction, but am always open to wisdom from everyone here.


Good deal. He should be able to help you find some consistent, strong-but-loving middle ground here. You're all passive-aggressive and that's not a recipe for success, Mike.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Starsky's got it right. Follow the advice of your coach and stick with your plan.

BTW Starsky, you should see the animated discussion I have going on at MB. I think you'd enjoy it.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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