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Calibri Offline OP
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Ss,

Being a tough b*tch is a defense mechanism. I realized that a while back. Honestly, it's exhausting. I'm exhausted from it. Do I want to be a doormat? No. But there's a probably a better way to stand up for oneself without extending a middle finger with it. HA.

I'm glad you see some positives. Right now, I'm so deep in the forest I can't see the trees.

His journey scares me. Alot. Because it's going to be a long one. I know it's a journey he needs to take. But I'm afraid that his journey will be too hard for him and he won't do it. Historically, he doesn't do hard things. Avoids them at all costs. Probably being married to me was the first hard thing he's stuck with and well.....look where we are. I don't know if he will do the work to get where he needs to be. To be healthy, to be happy, to take ownership of his life and not blame others for his problems. And if he won't do that journey, he certainly won't work on our marriage. But truth be told, he could take the journey, and still not work on our marriage.

I've started writing but I've noticed that the themes revolve around H. What's going on with H. How could H not say anything. Why is H doing this?

H, H, H.

You're right. I need to work on me. And start my journey.

I'm scared to put my marriage in the box. To me, that means I'm not working on it. But, working on me will indirectly work on the marriage. And working on me is all I can do at this point. Still scary to tuck it away.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Welcome and so sorry that you find yourself here. I second what others commented before that listening to the vets is a great way to get insight and advice that can help you. I see a few similarities in my situation and feel for you and the extreme emotional roller coaster that you seem to be subjected to. I am relatively new to the boards and I find hope, inspiration and wisdom in reading what everyone else is going through. Hang in there!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Hi Calibri...I am new here too, and you came to the right place, sometimes it's the only comfort to my heart.
I am learning to detach, to love myself again, to let people control their own issues and try to do the best to control mine.
I am very angry at my H right now, like you, I was left with 3 kids to take care after, bills to pay, appointments, the whole thing on me. H move out and even took a vacation w/OW. Somehow, with help and support from friends and this board, I have been giving more value to myself and yes I can do the heavy lift right now. It hurts, and hurts a little more every minute, that the person you love is saying that it's all your fault that they are unhappy.
Hang in there, every day give yourself a chance to look at something positive and slowly things will feel a little easier.
I find the best in here is the fact that you start giving much value, respect and finding the person you really are. It's amazing how we become someone else during a R, and finding who you truly are is difficult... but not impossible.
Take good care of yourself and start little by little to built that confidence that you are worth.
Be patient... be kind to you... and good luck!
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Originally Posted By: Calibri
Hi Rzrback -

Thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it.

I'm having a hard time with the idea that my WAH is lost, hurting and scared. REALLY hard time with it. He got to walk away, unload 31 years of childhood/adult issues onto me. He left me behind to deal with the legal ramifications of backing out of a house purchase two weeks before it closed. He left me to unpack a house, to take care of the animals and everything that comes with every day life. And what does he do? He sits in a hotel room (paid for by his parents), goes to work, goes to therapy and become increasingly angry at me.

Yes, I realize that I am angry. Very angry. Because all I can see is my side. And I chalk that up to the nightmare that I've been living. Logically, I can understand that he is going through some serious issues to do what he's doing. I get that, I truly do. But emotionally, I'm pissed. And hurt. Really, really hurt.

And it's a tough thing to stomach.

Trying to detach. I re-read the 37 rules daily. Here's hoping that serenity and understanding comes sooner, rather than later.

Again, thank you for the welcome -- and I'm sure the size of your ears are just fine. :-D


It IS a hard thing to stomach, and I know right now they just look possessed and evil. Their fear, confusion, and not just a little self-loathing makes them lash out in cruel ways. I had the privilege of hearing my previously loving wife of 19 years screaming that she hated me and I ruined her life. She screamed at me that I was too weak for her and she needed a stronger man. She screamed at me that she wanted to f*** the OM. This was just a few days ago. She has never spoken to me that way ever in two decades. This weekend she was almost her old self and was picking out colors to paint the accent wall in our bedroom. Roller coaster is not a strong enough image in my opinion.

Detachment helped me to weather this and see it for what it was...the verbal spewing of a lost, terrifed, frightened and not just a little victim-y person. The ability to detach helped me set clear, firm, but loving boundaries about what I will or will not accept out of her. Detachment has helped me see (and project to her) that she is on her own journey. She'll either come down on the side of me or she won't. If she does I will be incredibly happy. If she doesn't, I'll go find a woman who's worth my time. Detachment is for YOU. To save your sanity and help you run this gauntlet with a clear sense of self and a clear view of them.

It is HARD to detach when you love the person so much. When she's not cruel, I want so desperately to run to her, hold her, and make her feel better. The problem is, you can't make them feel better, and it'll likely backfire because you're demonstrating your own neediness when you try to fix them. Neediness on your part will push them further. My wife can tell that I've detached...she even said the word "detached" last night...and then she tried to hold my hand for the first time in a week.

Detachment is a journey, and you will stumble along the way, I haven't perfected it, and it's been two months. Just pick yourself up, slap your forehead (not too hard, now), and drive on. Keep posting! This forum has been a godsend.

And yes, my ears are a hazard in strong winds, but I've never gotten grief for them :-)

Last edited by Rzrback; 11/25/14 03:40 PM.

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Me 43 Her 44
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T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Calibri Offline OP
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Hi Ganb8te,

I don't know what it is about avoidance. I fail to see how hard it is to say, "that hurt my feelings - could you not do it again?" But maybe that's something I need to work on.

I don't know if I did the right thing by telling H to face it or else he'll carry it on into future Rs. That's just my personality -- to the point. I see it. Everyone else sees it. You can't just avoid an issue that you have and think it'll be better with the next person. Especially when the issue has manifested with your parents. Your past employers. Your past relationships. Your wife. Maybe its too demanding. Maybe it was controlling. Maybe I just need to STFU. Lots of unknowns. Lots of maybes.

Trying to take care of myself. Getting sleep - finally. Trying to do things that make me happy. Trying to breathe.

Thank you for the welcome!


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Calibri Offline OP
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Hi Pink-

Thank you for the welcome. I'm going to IC tonight, and I think I'm going to change the direction of therapy from "why is this happening to me?" to "who did I become in the relationship and is that who I am?" I know some of the answers, but I think there's alot of digging to be done.

The other day at a work function, my boss challenged us to say something good that had happened to them in the previous week. It was kind of eye opening to me that all I had was a) I've gotten dressed and made it to work every day and b)I haven't gotten legal paperwork filed against me.

Thank you for giving me ideas on how to work on things.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Calibri Offline OP
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Rough day today - a friend of mine died last night - so have a funeral to attend this weekend. Not the way I wanted to GAL, but hey - it's out of the house. Notified H and asked if he would go to the funeral. He initially said yes, but I don't know if he will or not. Regardless, it's not about him, but honoring my friend and supporting the family.

Thanksgiving. Blech. Everyone's talking holiday plans at work. It's weird, for the first time in 10 years, I don't have the anxiety of going to IL's house for the holidays, and strangely, I miss it. Not the anxiety - but the ritual of going, I suppose. Have NO idea what that means. Will spend a low key day with my family. Lots of food, and Netflix I'm sure. It will be sad. Last year was the first holiday without my grandfather (as he had passed away). This year is the first holiday without H there. Not sure how to process it -- except to get through it.

No idea what H plans on doing for Thanksgiving. We haven't exchanged more than one word text messages since Thursday due to him being in a foul mood. He's decided to distance himself from me when his moods are less than pleasant because he, "has taken enough of his anger out of me and doesn't want to do that to me anymore." While I consider that progress, I also wonder if he's going to use that as an excuse to limit conversations in the future because he doesn't want to have them. Guess we will have to see how it plays out.

IC tonight where I plan on talking about last week's ridiculous (in my opinion) therapy session with H and his IC. My frustration with H's IC (I'll touch more on that later) but hope to change the tone in my IC from "why me" to positive goals. Talking about detaching, boundaries, 180's, etc.


M:32,H 32
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BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
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Calibri, there's so much I want to say in response to your past few posts but I'm headed out to take D to karate and then dinner, bath and editing, whew!

I just want you to know I'm reading and thinking about you. There are just a few points I want to make that helped get me ME focused and less H focused, and that has made all the difference.

Hang in there.

I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. No expectations about H going to the funeral. You have a friend to honor, you don't need him there to do that.

Until later,
Ss


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Ok, turns out I have a few minutes. Yay!

Remember, I'm NOT a vet!!

Quote:
I don't know if I did the right thing by telling H to face it or else he'll carry it on into future Rs. That's just my personality -- to the point. I see it. Everyone else sees it. You can't just avoid an issue that you have and think it'll be better with the next person. Especially when the issue has manifested with your parents. Your past employers. Your past relationships. Your wife. Maybe its too demanding. Maybe it was controlling. Maybe I just need to STFU. Lots of unknowns. Lots of maybes.


Wow, we're a lot alike, Calibri! I did this too. Hey, H, by the way, you should totally work on stuff because it'll help you down the road and you don't want to take ugly, heavy baggage into future relationships so you should totally work on it.

Yeah. You're not who he wants to hear that from.

You're right. And you know it but in this case, STFU is best. Any advice, direction, suggestions you give him... that's an attempt at control. It's part of our b!tchy-ness" and something we do to protect OURSELVES. Yes, you read that right.

You're not actually helping him with that suggestion. Nope. You're actually pushing him away. Unknowingly and unintentionally, yes, but that's what you're doing.

Breathe.

It helped me to have a list of things I was working on and then a SEPARATE list of things I was working on NOT doing. "STFU" is at the very top of my "not to do" list. It's HARD. Incredibly hard but I'll admit, it gets easier.

No matter how wise, insightful or TRUE your advice may be, he doesn't want to hear it from you.

Quote:
I'm going to IC tonight, and I think I'm going to change the direction of therapy from "why is this happening to me?" to "who did I become in the relationship and is that who I am?" I know some of the answers, but I think there's alot of digging to be done.


This is GREAT and really encouraging that you're turning the perspective so early in your sitch. Hang on to that.

From day 1 of after BD I was determined to NOT feel like this was happening TO ME because I wanted to feel in control. After a lot of ups and downs and major backslides I realized I needed to rightfully mourn and wallow for a minute.

Given my childhood and all I've been through in life I have always been strong and determined and nothing held me back, got in my way or victimized me. But I needed the time to crash, wallow and hit the very bottom of the bottom. If you read my sitch, it involved my vacuum and it was VERY tough.

I got through it though and I wouldn't be where I am now without that time on the floor with my vacuum. I just wouldn't.

Ask yourself if you need time to mourn first. I mean, REAL time to mourn. Get it all out. Vent big time. I needed it. I did it on paper, typing on here and verbally...

and eventually I realized that I came around to talking about changes I wanted to make in myself. Not him. Me. It all circles around to YOU. But it's a process. YOu can't force that. You have to let it happen naturally. It takes patience. Patience I'm not known for but I found it.

Quote:
Trying to take care of myself. Getting sleep - finally. Trying to do things that make me happy. Trying to breathe.


GOOD! You have to do this. HAVE to. Ever meditated before? It has helped me. I still struggle with it but it's a metaphor for life and who doesn't struggle with life sometimes? wink

Holidays are tough. There's no denying it. They just are. Instead of seeing this holiday as the first one without H why not start a new tradition in honor of your grandfather. Yes, H isn't there. Yes, things are a little nuts right now but YOU get to define what this holiday is like for YOU. There's great freedom in that.

Quote:
IC tonight where I plan on talking about last week's ridiculous (in my opinion) therapy session with H and his IC.


I'm not sure what is up with H's IC but it's out of your control. Completely. I struggled with this A LOT, too. I was so worried that H would find someone who was super pro divorce and tell him to grow a pair and stay out and blah, blah, blah.

It's not for you to choose or to analyze. He picked his IC. You picked yours. YOu can only work on you in your way.

His choices are his choices. Yours are yours. In the end, he may not do the work. That's something I am super concerned about with my H, too. He can go through the motions but the REAL work? "It's doubtful he can handle it", is what my condescending mind tells me but you know what? Maybe he is doing the work. Maybe he's not. Right now it doesn't matter.

You are. YOu're doing the work. You.

Focus on you.

Let us know how your YOU focused IC session went tonight.

(((hugs)))


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

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Wow, we're a lot alike, Calibri! I did this too. Hey, H, by the way, you should totally work on stuff because it'll help you down the road and you don't want to take ugly, heavy baggage into future relationships so you should totally work on it.

Lol, I did that too. Great move! NOT.

Btw, wrt to IC... My IC was my MC before H stopped coming, and he told me while my H was still coming to MC and we both still said we wanted the M that my H had fallen out of love with me as though he had turned gay and that I needed to just go out and find myself a new man because I was really attractive and wouldn't have any trouble doing that. H was sitting right next to me.

C's are human and have their own thoughts, biases, and goals. Speech is an imprecise thing. We all are biased towards hearing what we want or expect to hear and so even if you and your H we're seeing the same IC he would likely take away different ideas from you. It's part of detaching, validating, and honoring his individuality, recognizing the truth in that.

What are you thankful for? smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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