Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

I apologize in advance for the length of this intro post(s). I realize the more depth the better -- and I'll have to post multiple times to get the whole story out.

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H&I are both 31. Have been together for 10 years, married for 4. No kids. We both come from not so nice backgrounds. His mother is an alcoholic, possible prescription pill addict (at one time), with undiagnosed bi-polar or borderline personality disorder. His father enabled mother’s alcoholism, much to the dismay of H and H brother. Husband has self-esteem, co-dependency and people pleasing issues stemming from this (this is not mind reading – confirmed by him, and therapist, and well, what I’ve witnessed first hand). He also HATES confrontation. Learned to avoid it living with his mother. Mother is very volatile, manipulative, and controlling.

I come from divorced parents, my father is a bipolar, prone to violence off his meds. Father in and out of my life depending on if he was med compliant. Mother remarried – step-father was a very difficult person to grow up with. He’s mellowed out over the years, but let me tell you….being raised by someone fresh out of the military with no experience with children is not something I would wish upon anyone. I have abandonment and insecurity issues stemming from my bio dad and his mental illness. Having dealt with my dad, and dealing with some not so nice other issues (abuse) over the years – I’ve become, for a lack of better words – a tough b*tch. I’m an assertive, to the point, sarcastic, blunt personality. I learned at an early age that really, the only person who is going to look out for yourself is you. But what I can tell you, the tough exterior is all a façade and at the end of the day I have the same issues and insecurities as everyone else.

So. Having said all that……

I thought we were living the dream. Both had recently gotten new jobs that we enjoyed, were in the process of buying our forever home (which was also my childhood home), both were getting into shape and had shared hobbies we enjoyed. In short, I thought we were the best we had ever been.

Apparently I was wrong. Way wrong.

In August, I put my husband on a plane to go visit his family for a long overdue family reunion. I stayed behind for many reasons. The first day H was gone, he and I got in a fight about his parents and how they were manipulating him not even an hour into his trip. I admit it, I lost it. I don’t remember if I apologized about the outburst, but we went on with life.

H came back from the trip a completely different person. EVERYONE noticed. Couldn’t figure out what was going on. Anytime I’d ask, he would say he was fine, just stressed from selling our house, upcoming move etc. Finally got him to talk – and then the bombs started dropping left and right.

Bomb #1: H wants to have kids. I’m shocked because we both had wanted to be child free. He stated he wanted children for the past two years. NEVER SAID A THING (spoiler – this will become a theme) – even when I questioned him ever so often about remaining child free. He didn’t want to have conversation with me because he knew I didn’t want children and was afraid of what that would mean for the marriage. As the conversation went on he became more firm in his stance. He would have kids with me (gee, thanks?) but he shouldn’t have to give up his dream of having kids and if I wouldn’t have kids he needed to find someone else who would.

Bomb#2 - He doesn’t want to buy the house we’re under contract for buying. I point out that he was the one who encouraged me to go after my dream, pushed me to see if we could do it, talked me back into it when I was trying to talk myself out of it. Said he realized that, but he didn’t want to buy it – because “it was too far out there” (in the country) and that if it were up to him he’d live in a “condo downtown”. Ohhhhkkkkaaay.

Bomb#3 – H isn’t going to work on these issues, they can’t be overcome. He thinks the marriage is probably over. Fantastic.

We talk over the course of the weekend, agree to table to kid discussion, go to marital counseling, and H agrees to move forward with the purchase of the house – says he really wants to try and give everything his best shot.

A very long story short, two weeks before we were set to close on the house, I had to pull the plug on buying the house because in short, my H became a completely different person. It’s like he snapped. He started screaming at me for everything. Said he woke up and decided that he was going to quit being a people person and stop worrying about what other people thought of him and that was his new attitude and I could either get on board or get out. When he learns that I will cancel the contract on the house, you could’ve knocked him over with a feather. He thanks me for it and out of the blue moves out the next day. Bomb #4. This was three days after he sat and held me while I was crying on the floor, promising me he would never go anywhere and that we were going to work through this.

We go to MC where H basically refuses to talk about why we are there. But that he’s committed to working on the marriage. I talk to him over the weekend – think we have good conversations, are making headway, we go out to dinner, H leads me to believe this is a temporary thing – he only booked his hotel room for two weeks. I’m thinking we’re going to have a cool off period and really dig into this.

Three days later – he tells me he’s lied about his commitment to working on the marriage. He says that he’s checked out, has been checked out for two years, that he resents me because he feels he did everything around the house and he felt like a caretaker and not a husband, that I ruined the relationship between him and his parents and when we got in the fight about his mother while he was out of town, he realized he was “done” with me, and that he didn’t have it in him emotionally to work on the marriage. So Bomb #5-8. I beg and plead at this point – because I had no idea that he felt this way at all. No Indication from him. EVER. Always telling me how good of a wife I was, making plans for the future, showing affection. I am literally GOBSMACKED.

[Calibri]

We spend the next three weeks with him alternating between screaming at me for everything (breathing, asking him to go to the doctor to get checked out from a mental health standpoint, asking if he was ok), especially emphasizing his anger at me and him cutting off contact from me. Complete stonewalling in therapy. He holed himself up in a hotel room, not eating, started smoking up a storm, drinking lots off coffee and sleeping too much. When he starts hitting things out of frustration (never in front of me, but on the phone when we were communicating) I started getting extremely alarmed. I worried about him hitting rock bottom or self harming so I call his parents. Who promptly blame the whole thing on me and tell me that if I would just give him space, he could process his feelings and he would calm down. Come to find out they think physical violence and breaking things out of anger is “normal behavior” – so not much help there. H proclaims he's staying in the hotel cut off from everyone until he's "no longer mad at anything."

He comes to our last MC session and announces that he’s going to file for separation and that I should know about it before he does it. Bomb #9. And he’s just so smug while he’s saying it. Like he’s congratulating himself on doing something. I’m just baffled by where everything is coming from and trying to figure out what’s going on. After I’ve calmed down, I go and visit him at the hotel. Tell him I’m not there to plead for our relationship, but that I’m disappointed that he chose not to trust me and tell me his concerns and give us an opportunity to work on them. That while he was congratulating himself on ending his marriage and becoming this new person – he really wasn’t. That he was repeating the same patterns he’s always had with conflict: avoid it. And that he shouldn’t be too smug because even if we didn’t work out – he was going to have the same problems in any relationship. That if he didn’t vocalize his problems/concerns if was going to be right back in the same patterns. He looked visibly shaken at that point and asked if we could go back to therapy or “talk and see how things work out.” I ask why – he had the opportunity for the last month to do that. Why now? He doesn’t have an answer. Come to find out later, he threw that out there because he felt that it was the “right thing to do”. Tell him that he should really consider not making permanent decisions when it’s obvious he’s in such an emotional place.

The next few weeks consists of a roller coaster of up and downs, he doesn’t want to talk, but then wants to take me out for dinner before I leave on a business trip because it would be nice to see me. He spends our anniversary screaming at me – telling me to “shut the *censored* up for once in my life so he can see if he can learn to love me again. He says he wants to start talking “just to see what could come of it” but quickly gets agitated during conversations and ends them and will go dark. Then he comes back – wants to hang out.

We go on two different outings – and he’s just so different. He’s dead behind the eyes, doesn’t have a lot to say, acting nervous, smoking like a chimney (even though he knows I’m allergic to cig smoke). I’m not even on his radar. He’s there, but not there. When I express how upsetting it is to be around him this way, he says “this is his new personality and according to his therapist, I’m (meaning me) going to have to figure out if I like it or not.” I’m starting to side eye both H and H’s IC. Learn that he doesn’t really want to talk or hang out, he feels like he needs to do it because, “it will make me feel better about the situation in the long run.”

Then another cycle of screaming starts again when we have conversations and I get more bombs dropped on me:
Bomb #9 – H’s been unhappy most of our marriage, all we had are bad times.

Bomb #10 – I’ve ruined him emotionally for the rest of his life.

Bomb#11 – Trying to provide emotional support to me during trying times took everything out of him emotionally.

Bomb #12– “I love you, but I will never open my heart up to you again from all the pain you’ve caused me."

Bomb #13 - I'm controlling and manipulative and he's so glad to be away from me and our house....that he now views as a prison.

At this point – I am beyond devastated. When I say that he never mentioned anything, I mean NEVER. No indication. All of our friends and family are floored because from outward appearances he was very happy, very in love, very supportive. Everything one could want in a spouse. Was I a perfect wife, no not at all – but at no point in time was my behavior ever something that would ruin someone. Was our marriage perfect? Not at all – but the way he’s acting you would think it was the worst thing in the world with constant conflicts, etc. It’s been a tough two months – because he literally changed his personality, walked out, left me in a house that was packed up (literally) ready to move and has stonewalled any attempt for me to understand what’s going on. When I ask for him to elaborate he gives me the same answer, “I’m too angry to talk about it.”

I don’t understand how someone can just NOT SAY ANYTHING. And how do you just avoid everything and expect it to change? This man is my heart and soul and it devastates me that he feels I am the cause of every problem he’s had. The lashing out, the nasty things he’s said, it’s all taken a toll. I’m in a dark place – because when you hear everything is bad and you reflect upon it – all you can see is the bad. And it’s getting to the point where I’m questioning everything. Was I the wife he claims I was? Am I hallucinating all the good times? I’ve been so happy for the last 10 years of my life, how could I have missed this?

So, here’s where we’re at:
1.Yes. I’ve read DR. I’m working on 180s though I think I need help defining them. GAL and PMA are much harder. I’ve had the wind taken out of my sails. Multiple times. Each time the wind gets taken out of my sails I’m finding it harder to bounce back.

2.Detaching. Ha. I wish there was a detachment for dummies book ‘cause I would be all over that.

3.There’s no OW/OP/EA. I snooped when he started acting weird. I’ve asked him point blank and he’s said no. And to be honest, with the way he’s acting – I don’t know how he would be able to maintain it.

4.Both our primary care physician and his IC and my IC do not suspect any type of mental illness, although I question that – but I think that’s my bias from my own background. He’s able to function at work, and with other people – so they believe he’s not having a mental breakdown. I/our relationship seems to be a trigger. That’s an awesome feeling. /sarcasm

5. He has NOT filed for legal separation. (We live in a state where you have to be apart for a year before you can file for D, regardless of legal separation)

6.He’s gotten on meds, and upped his dosage and appears to be calming down.

7.His temper is getting better but he’s still having pretty bad outbursts.

8.Our contact has become extremely limited due to the above.

9.We both are in IC.

10.H realizes that he has “lots of issues and needs to work on himself”

11.He is “open to the possibility of reconciliation in the future – but finds it very hard to see a reconciliation and doesn’t want to consider it at this point right now.” I question if this is him blowing smoke – but I have no way of knowing.

12.I realize that this blows. A lot.

[Cristy]

Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. You mentioned needing help defining your 180s & one of our coaches can do that and much more. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[JohnJC]

HI, Calibri. I'm sorry that your circumstance brought you here, but I can say that you are in the right place. There are some folks here who are very knowledgeable, and they may help you with some of the specifics in DB.

I can say that something I learned, when dealing with a walk away spouse, they will insist on blaming you for everything that is wrong in the marriage and in their lives. I was blind sided and hurt by this behavior in my wife, and it sounds as if your husband is doing much the same. Detaching is hard....very hard, but you can not try to make logic out of something that is simply not logical. And WAS' are not, but any definition, logical.

I get the 'wind out of your sails' syndrome that you mentioned. It seemed that after my wife left she continiously found ways to cut down any confidence I may have been trying to gather. I'm not sufe if it was intentional, but it sure felt that way at times.

I have the hardest time with detaching too. It's hard, and I am not very good at it. But I have found that the little bit I have been able t detach has made me less defensive and feel just a little bit better. Its an important skill, and necessary to your survival and potential reconciliation.

I know this is hard. Any one here who replies to you knows the same. Take heart in that you are not alone...we're all in the same boat, pretty much, and there is much wisdom to be gleaned here.

God luck and best wishes to you.

[NH115]

Calibri

Sorry you're in this mess, but you have come to the right place. Listen to the vets on here (I'm not one of them, by a long shot). This forum has been a godsend to me.

My WAW has criticized (in no particular order)

That I read books too much

That I spend too much time in the bathroom and do it to get away from her.

That I play golf (The last round I played was in 2012)

Depending on her state of mind, she tells me that I ruined her life, and the 19 years of our marriage have been a lie (can't really pin her down why)

She brought up things I supposedly did that I don't even remember. I've always been up front about owning my mistakes, but it really helps if I can remember the mistake in the first place. I certainly can't count on HER recollection.

She told me about something wrong I said to her a year ago. I did say it, and I regretted it. Problem is, it was over 4 years ago. She often can't even details right when she does find things to criticize. When challenged, her answer was always "What difference does it make?" My answer was always "If you can't even get the timing right, how good is your memory really?"

I'm surprised she hasn't criticized the size of my ears yet, but our sitch is still ongoing.

My point is, unless there has been really serious marital issues like infidelity or abuse on the part of the LBS, a WAS is mentally ill in a way. Maybe not in a way that can be clinically diagnosed, but their perception of reality is really screwed up. They are lost and hurting and scared. Always remember that.

It is vital to your detaching and to your sanity to believe almost nothing they say. It's in the 37 rules. Once you're able to do that, you can weather their storms much easier, and succeed at the all-important detachment.

I'm following your thread with great interest. Grace and peace to you.

[Ss06]

Welcome and awesome details in your sitch. It sounds similar to mine.

My mother is an Undiagnosed borderline, abused us as kids, I lived in foster care, blah, blah, blah. My H's family is involved in the film industry so = narcissists. Lovely.

I'm a tough b!tch, too. After a few months of introspection and DB, a lot of that is a defense mechanism and it's not how I want to be any more. Do you?

This is tough, I'll tell ya. I see some positives in your situation, as painful as it is, there's hope.

But first, YOU. That's where this process begins and ends, with YOU. IT TOOK ME TOO LONG TO FIGURE THAT OUT. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE.

Take a breath, honor what you've been through to this point.

He has stuff to work on and so do you.

You can't fix him, help him on his journey, guide him, suggest books, even walk beside him. His journey is his.

And yours is yours. Find a blank book, literally, and start writing in it. Your journey truly begins right now.

As a very wise vet has told me, put your marriage safely in a box and put that box on a shelf. There's nothing you can do on it right this minute so put it safely away. It has worked for me, so I can see myself more clearly.

Who I am. What I value. That I am valuable. Who I want to be. With or without my H.

You.

That's where it begins.

[gan]

Welcome Calibri. Sounds like the last few months have been a real shocker. I'm so sorry. I can see some similarities in our sitches, particularly the avoidance behavior your describe in your H. I stopped short of telling my H that he needs to face this or else he'll carry it into future Rs - but boy do I think it all the time! Reading your post brings back memories of feeling like things were just spinning out of control so quickly early on. It is a really tough time. Know that it will get better. There will be ups and downs but it will get better.

As everyone has said, the focus right now is YOU. Breathe, pamper yourself, take up yoga, do what ever it takes to help you fell better about YOU. Above all, be kind to yourself and be willing to roll with things that are not in your control.

[Calibri]

Hi John,

Thank you for the welcome -- I was a little nervous posting, because I didn't know if I would get responses - but I'm already thankful for the support I've received in a little under 24 hours.

Some of the things he's angry at -- has merit. Things I'm like, "ok, I can see this, let's work on it." Other things -- not so much. I sometimes feel like he's just grasping at straws to justify his change in behavior.

Re: wind out of the sails. It seems like every time I got my feet under me or we were making "progress" it all fell apart and fell back to square one. There's only so much one can take -- which is why when H started (what appeared to be) steps towards progress, I suggested we go talk about it in front of a third party instead of ourselves. Because I don't have it in me to be back on my bathroom floor again...bawling my eyes out. Although I've found the bathmat to be most comfy.

Thank you for your advice and for your welcome. It's made me feel hopeful, at least for myself.

[Calibri]

Hi Rzrback -

Thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it.

I'm having a hard time with the idea that my WAH is lost, hurting and scared. REALLY hard time with it. He got to walk away, unload 31 years of childhood/adult issues onto me. He left me behind to deal with the legal ramifications of backing out of a house purchase two weeks before it closed. He left me to unpack a house, to take care of the animals and everything that comes with every day life. And what does he do? He sits in a hotel room (paid for by his parents), goes to work, goes to therapy and become increasingly angry at me.

Yes, I realize that I am angry. Very angry. Because all I can see is my side. And I chalk that up to the nightmare that I've been living. Logically, I can understand that he is going through some serious issues to do what he's doing. I get that, I truly do. But emotionally, I'm pissed. And hurt. Really, really hurt.

And it's a tough thing to stomach.

Trying to detach. I re-read the 37 rules daily. Here's hoping that serenity and understanding comes sooner, rather than later.

Again, thank you for the welcome -- and I'm sure the size of your ears are just fine. :-D

[Little]

I'm sure you're a million emotions, right now. Some legitimate, some conflicting. It's all normal, and why detaching and focusing on yourself is so important.