IDK, for me to overlook the affair for the marriage is easy, because it should mean the affair (the pain) is over. To be friends means the affair is not over and neither is the pain. It's just my perspective. But I am not as detached as you are which is a huge part of my problem.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
You don't have to jump out of the box like a jack-in-the-box. Take a peak out now and then. Stick a hand out, then an arm.
I used to shudder every time I was put in a situation that put me outside my comfort zone. Now, after a few good expereinces, I look forward to being "challenged" on a daily basis. Baby steps!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Rpp - Its interesting to read your perspective on this, as I've been thinking about it a lot. I can see being friends with STBX years down the line - but at the moment I feel like he would have to really recognize and acknowledge the pain this has caused me. Maybe that need will fade over time. And, I'm petty, but I think I would have a hard time accepting current OW. Future ones, yes, but not this one.
Rpp - Its interesting to read your perspective on this, as I've been thinking about it a lot. I can see being friends with STBX years down the line - but at the moment I feel like he would have to really recognize and acknowledge the pain this has caused me. Maybe that need will fade over time. And, I'm petty, but I think I would have a hard time accepting current OW. Future ones, yes, but not this one.
Raliced, I totally hear you on the current OW, and I said the same thing to IC yesterday. That I could accept his future girlfriend, wife, whatever, the point is someone he met after we D. But not the duck that whispered in his ear to cheat on his wife and walk out on his kids. Not absolving him of his responsibility, but not letting her off the hook, either. She's not someone I want my kids around, ever. Nor would I want to have to be civil towards her myself. Then again, she deserves a man who cheats on his wife and walks out on his kids, and maybe the fact that she's getting one is enough.
Maybe H and I are being too civil to one another, maybe I know too little about the duck, maybe he's being too generous in the money department for me to feel any real ill will towards him. I look back at my M and don't want that again, but I look at him and think he wouldn't be a bad friend.
As I say, that's what I think today. Tomorrow the wind may shift.
Rpp - Its interesting to read your perspective on this, as I've been thinking about it a lot. I can see being friends with STBX years down the line - but at the moment I feel like he would have to really recognize and acknowledge the pain this has caused me. Maybe that need will fade over time. And, I'm petty, but I think I would have a hard time accepting current OW. Future ones, yes, but not this one.
Raliced, I totally hear you on the current OW, and I said the same thing to IC yesterday. That I could accept his future girlfriend, wife, whatever, the point is someone he met after we D. But not the duck that whispered in his ear to cheat on his wife and walk out on his kids. Not absolving him of his responsibility, but not letting her off the hook, either. She's not someone I want my kids around, ever. Nor would I want to have to be civil towards her myself. Then again, she deserves a man who cheats on his wife and walks out on his kids, and maybe the fact that she's getting one is enough.
Maybe H and I are being too civil to one another, maybe I know too little about the duck, maybe he's being too generous in the money department for me to feel any real ill will towards him. I look back at my M and don't want that again, but I look at him and think he wouldn't be a bad friend.
As I say, that's what I think today. Tomorrow the wind may shift.
And here is where my feelings lie.
I don't want my marriage that I had back either. That one suc*ed. I do, however want a new marriage with my wife if at all possible.
You're doing great Rpp.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I don't want my marriage that I had back either. That one suc*ed. I do, however want a new marriage with my wife if at all possible.
Jefe I thought the same thing for a long time. But I have come to see, in my case anyway, that a new M isn't possible because he's the same guy. He doesn't see the need to be any different. I have made changes, yes, but that's the reason I'm seriously considering moving on. In no way will my changes alone create a new M. He has to change, too, and right now he doesn't even think he needs to. Expecting a new M with the exact same H is not realistic.
I don't want my marriage that I had back either. That one suc*ed. I do, however want a new marriage with my wife if at all possible.
Jefe I thought the same thing for a long time. But I have come to see, in my case anyway, that a new M isn't possible because he's the same guy. He doesn't see the need to be any different. I have made changes, yes, but that's the reason I'm seriously considering moving on. In no way will my changes alone create a new M. He has to change, too, and right now he doesn't even think he needs to. Expecting a new M with the exact same H is not realistic.
Very true.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
