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A Message from Michele
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Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511776
11/28/14 08:27 PM
11/28/14 08:27 PM
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Wonka Offline
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WMB,

You posted in HP's thread that was new to me:

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
When I exposed my wife's affair, it was precisely because I thought it through and decided I would want her to do it for me. Affairs are addictions, and it's very hard to stop of your own volition.


I am sorry that this did not pan out. With this new information, I now understand better the reason behind the quicksilver speed of your W pushing for a D. This is why I am personally against exposure because it's primary "premise" is to guilt and shame the other party into submission. It's an awful way to 'repair' the marriage and it really doesn't show unconditional love for your spouse.

Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Wonka] #2511777
11/28/14 08:37 PM
11/28/14 08:37 PM
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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That wasn't my purpose at all. Since she was pretending everything was normal, it appeared to me that it was the secrecy that was allowing the affair to thrive. Affairs are never good for the wayward spouse. I exposed her affair because I care deeply for her and wanted to help her. We're Christians, so she was breaking several of the 10 commandments (adultery, lying). I had hoped exposure would snap her out of her fog. In fact, it was after attending our pastor's funeral and seeing how she did not cry upon the passing of this father figure in her life that I became very worried about her and could see that she was exhibiting all the signs of wayward fog.

She told me she wanted a divorce when she moved out, so I don't really think that the exposure sped up her decision as I waited 2 months after she moved out. She never waivered from that decision.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511778
11/28/14 08:50 PM
11/28/14 08:50 PM
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Wonka Offline
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WMB,

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
Affairs are never good for the wayward spouse.


Who made you the Lord Excutioner of what is "good" or "bad" for the wayward spouse?! Yes, the effects of the affair are not good for EVERYONE...not just the wayward spouse alone. I would be careful of taking on a holier-than-thou attitude here.

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
I exposed her affair because I care deeply for her and wanted to help her. We're Christians, so she was breaking several of the 10 commandments (adultery, lying).


It is not YOUR job to teach the consequences of their choices. Life does that. Lady Karma does all of that for you. It is not your resopnsibility to "show" them how 'wrong' they were. Life has a beautiful system in place where karma does show them the consequences of their choices. It is the Law of Cause and Effect at play.

Your W is an adult and needs to learn the consequences of her choices on her own without you "helping" them.

Infidelity hits everyone across all religious denominations and socioeconomic backgrounds.

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
so I don't really think that the exposure sped up her decision as I waited 2 months after she moved out. She never waivered from that decision.


In many ways, by undertaking that type of action through exposure, it makes it DOUBLY HARDER for the WAS to return back home because the premise behind exposure is "shaming and guilting" the spouse into submission. Personally, I don't agree with exposure for those reasons. It is how I view and feel about exposure. This doesn't necessarily mean that I am right and you're wrong or vice versa.


Last edited by Wonka; 11/28/14 08:51 PM.
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511780
11/28/14 08:54 PM
11/28/14 08:54 PM
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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I think it was in my first thread here that I talked about exposing the affair. My DB coach said I could tell her parents as long as I knew her parents would love her unconditionally. I did, and they do, so I told them. I also told two of her Christian friends and two of her coworkers (one of whom is a pastor's wife). I did not go nuclear on her. I told people that I knew would love her despite knowing of her sin. Everyone I told still loves her and is praying for her to repent (although I don't know about the coworkers since I do not communicate with them). My purpose for exposure was accountability, not shame. I would have wanted my wife to do the same for me.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Wonka] #2511784
11/28/14 09:01 PM
11/28/14 09:01 PM
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Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
WMB,

Personally, I don't agree with exposure for those reasons. It is how I view and feel about exposure. This doesn't necessarily mean that I am right and you're wrong or vice versa.



Wonka, I understand where you're coming from. It was not an easy decision for me. As I said, I struggled with it for 2 months. In the end I decided I should do it as an act of love to help her break free from her sin. I decided it was what I would want her to do for me.

I hope you don't hate me for my decision. I value your opinion, and I hope you will continue to offer me your wisdom.

Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511785
11/28/14 09:07 PM
11/28/14 09:07 PM
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Mid-Atlantic, USA
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WMB,

Just to speak to a few things I saw earlier in your thread.

In my humble opinion, your sitch is really new. The EA/PA/discovery/D filing, all the rest.
It's been a whirlwind for you; not a lot of time to do soul-searching on your end while you're so busy reeling from the actions of your W.

As for "is it too late?" I can say that seven months ago my H's work=wife/mutual friend advised me to sign the D papers and get on with it. That he "has completely made his mind up and will never change it."

Well....as it turns out, that's not exactly the case.

It takes TIME and CONCERTED, CONSISTENT EFFORT on us LBSs' parts to SHOW them through our actions, that they were WRONG about us.

And in the interim, show ourselves that we're pretty good people too, even if we weren't always that way before.

In my case, I chose NOT to sign and return the papers. I did not have to by law, just because my H wanted it. I told him he was going to have to wait the required amount of time to prove his case because I was not about to pack up and leave my home, my animals, my life--just because he was "unhappy" and saw divorce as the only option.

That, in my mind, was his problem, not mine. I have been sitting tight and have never regretted it one bit.

So, no. It's not too late. If you don't want it to be.


---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: GoatGal] #2511790
11/28/14 09:25 PM
11/28/14 09:25 PM
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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Thank you, GG. I think I misunderstood you in the other thread. If so, I apologize.

I also did not sign my wife's petition. I filed a response only and denied irreconcilable differences. It didn't help, though, because her lawyer simply proposed mediation. Rather than go through that pointless exercise I made a proposal for our assets, and my wife agreed. So the only thing left is our court date if I'm not mistaken.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2511792
11/28/14 09:34 PM
11/28/14 09:34 PM
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Wonka Offline
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WMB,

Please know this: I will not judge or condemn a person for taking a certain course of action when it comes to exposure. I DO feel for you...this had to be incredibly hard for you. No doubt about it.

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
Originally Posted By: Wonka
WMB,

Personally, I don't agree with exposure for those reasons. It is how I view and feel about exposure. This doesn't necessarily mean that I am right and you're wrong or vice versa.



Wonka, I understand where you're coming from. It was not an easy decision for me. As I said, I struggled with it for 2 months. In the end I decided I should do it as an act of love to help her break free from her sin. I decided it was what I would want her to do for me.

I hope you don't hate me for my decision. I value your opinion, and I hope you will continue to offer me your wisdom.


Take a closer look at the bolded section, WMB. You are making ASSUMPTIONS on what your W might, would, could....have done for you. Why would you want W to make that decision for you?? Is it her responsibility to do so?? I think not. I find it incredibly unfair to place the burden on the other spouse to "break up" the affair when it is the wayward's spouse CHOICE to engage in an A. Therefore the burden is on them to break off all contact with the OM/OW. It is their own mess to clean up. Not yours. They're adults.

This is precisely what expectations and assumptions do WITHOUT any advance mutual agreements in place. Absent of mutual agreements, this is where resentments set in and then a person festers in those resentments until THEY EXPLODE.

Let me take this further to illustrate my point:

I decided it was what I would want her to do for me.

Suppose you are an alcoholic---I'm just using this as an example. You decide that you want your W to stop you drinking. Is it fair to put the burden on her? You made the choice to drink alcohol day in and day out for 20 years. Suppose you're one mean drunk who hit at the children etc. Again, is it your W's job to make you quit drinking? No. You're a grown man, right? If you want to quit drinking badly enough, you'll figure it out because you do see the damage you're seeing on your W, children, etc. Maybe you become homeless because you cannot keep your job due to drinking.

You're a grown man. Life teaches the consequences of you continuing to drink.

Likewise with your W. She's a grown woman. Trust em, life WILL teach her the consdeuqnces of her choices.

ALL DB forums, every single one of them, is littered with stories of life teaching WASes the copnsequences of their affairs.

Make sense?

(((WMB)))

Chin up, buddy.

Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: GoatGal] #2511793
11/28/14 09:34 PM
11/28/14 09:34 PM
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Jefe Offline
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WMWB, I agree with Wonka on the Global Nuclear affair outing. It is most certainly a way to make sure you end a marriage.

Trust me, in the beginning stages when I was self righteously angry I thought about outing it on Facebook and everything. I could literally destroy her life in a few mouse clicks, but to what end? Because I'm angry and hurt? I'm going to destroy the person that I love more than anything in this world short of God...God, that was the answer. He would certainly not approve of me perpetrating any harm towards my wife no matter the reason. So, outing = bad.

Now, WMWB, I agree with you in a limited outing sense. There are people close to me in my inner circle that know the situation but not her family. At least not that I've told them.

The almighty Goat Goddess is wise. CC, don't throw in the towel yet.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Jefe] #2511795
11/28/14 09:43 PM
11/28/14 09:43 PM
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Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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Wonka, I absolutely agree, it's the sinner's responsibility to repent. However, I would hope she would love me enough to help me with my alcohol addiction. The only other option for her would be divorce, and that certainly would be her right. Some people are able to break free from alcoholism with help, though. I hope she would try to get me help before calling it quits. Unless I was abusive, in which case I hope she'd kick me to the curb and never look back. I hate men that abuse women. But I digress. I saw evidence that exposure sometimes helped waywards break free from their affairs, and I wanted to help her. You may not agree with me, but I believe that unrepentant adultery is a sin that can keep someone out of heaven. I knew she might hate me, but I chose to expose the affair hoping that it would end her affair regardless of whether she came back to me immediately or not.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
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