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Am I on the right track? (3) #2510476
11/24/14 03:47 PM
11/24/14 03:47 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Previous thread

Well, I guess it just takes time, right? Some people do it sooner, and others later. I finally realize there's nothing I can do, especially since my wife will not really communicate with me. We agreed on an asset split, and I packed her things for her this past weekend. I'm letting her go. Maybe this guilt that is preventing her from communicating with me will end up causing the demise of her affair. Maybe not. Either way, it's not up to me, it's up to her. I'm giving her and our marriage to God and letting go. Completely this time. It's time for me to move on. At least at this moment in time, she does not want to be with me. I still hope that she'll come around, but I'm not going to waste any more time focusing on it.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2510597
11/24/14 09:31 PM
11/24/14 09:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
Is it bad DB'ing to ask the betrayer why they're doing what they're doing? I just don't understand how my heretofore very religious wife can suddenly believe that adultery is A-OK. How can someone who has been through sermons and such that teach that love is a choice not a feeling end up following their emotions rather than their mind?


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2510604
11/24/14 09:50 PM
11/24/14 09:50 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
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zew Offline
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You won't get a satisfactory answer, for she does not know herself.

Do not assume that she thinks adultery is OK; she is likely very much opposed to it, but right now it fills a need.

You are assuming that she is acting rationally and has justified all of this to herself. More likely she is acting totally emotionally and is at great conflict with all of it.

Remember when you were 17? Did you ever have anyone tell you that your girlfriend wasn't right for you? Did you listen? Resist the urge to reach out to question and reason with her. That is not something she is really capable of right now.

It can be a great waste of time to try to figure out why they do what they do. Even if you figured it out, there would be nothing you could do with the knowledge. Far better to identify what in yourself you can work on to make improvements. Identify your goals, work up a plan and start executing.

In your earlier post you said you were going to give her up to God and let go. Let God take care of her right now while you take care of yourself.

Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: zew] #2510609
11/24/14 10:10 PM
11/24/14 10:10 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Starsky309 Offline
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Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: zew
You won't get a satisfactory answer, for she does not know herself.

Do not assume that she thinks adultery is OK; she is likely very much opposed to it, but right now it fills a need.

You are assuming that she is acting rationally and has justified all of this to herself. More likely she is acting totally emotionally and is at great conflict with all of it.

Remember when you were 17? Did you ever have anyone tell you that your girlfriend wasn't right for you? Did you listen? Resist the urge to reach out to question and reason with her. That is not something she is really capable of right now.

It can be a great waste of time to try to figure out why they do what they do. Even if you figured it out, there would be nothing you could do with the knowledge. Far better to identify what in yourself you can work on to make improvements. Identify your goals, work up a plan and start executing.

In your earlier post you said you were going to give her up to God and let go. Let God take care of her right now while you take care of yourself.


x 3.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Starsky309] #2510615
11/24/14 10:23 PM
11/24/14 10:23 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Posts: 316
So I guess it would also be bad to ask her how the affair partner is better than me?


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: zew] #2510617
11/24/14 10:25 PM
11/24/14 10:25 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
Originally Posted By: zew
You won't get a satisfactory answer, for she does not know herself.

Do not assume that she thinks adultery is OK; she is likely very much opposed to it, but right now it fills a need.

You are assuming that she is acting rationally and has justified all of this to herself. More likely she is acting totally emotionally and is at great conflict with all of it.

Remember when you were 17? Did you ever have anyone tell you that your girlfriend wasn't right for you? Did you listen? Resist the urge to reach out to question and reason with her. That is not something she is really capable of right now.

It can be a great waste of time to try to figure out why they do what they do. Even if you figured it out, there would be nothing you could do with the knowledge. Far better to identify what in yourself you can work on to make improvements. Identify your goals, work up a plan and start executing.

In your earlier post you said you were going to give her up to God and let go. Let God take care of her right now while you take care of yourself.


She doesn't seem very conflicted about it. She's never once indicated that she was having doubts.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2510644
11/24/14 11:21 PM
11/24/14 11:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Originally Posted By: wmwb123
So I guess it would also be bad to ask her how the affair partner is better than me?


Yep. Yes! Zip it about the OM. Don't acknowledge him at all. Don't bring him up at all.

He's nuthin'. Not worth your head space.

Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Wonka] #2510649
11/24/14 11:37 PM
11/24/14 11:37 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
I'm trying to pep talk myself by saying I've let go. I still want her back, but I'm giving her what she wants. I emailed her last week about splitting the assets ourselves rather than going through mediation, and she agreed. She agreed to my proposal without any objections. I think it was fair, but still. So we're saving thousands on mediation.

This weekend I packed her things for her, and I asked her to come pick them up. She said she'd come after Thanksgiving. That was a big change from our last conversation on the topic when she said she did not want to be alone with me. The hostility must have been from her perception that I was keeping her from what she wanted. I've been keeping my replies short and to the point.

Perhaps if we have positive interactions she will realize/remember that I'm not such a bad guy after all. That should cause internal conflict, right? I mean, she had to demonize me in order to justify the affair, but if I'm not such a bad guy after all, her justification disappears, right?


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: Wonka] #2510650
11/24/14 11:41 PM
11/24/14 11:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline OP
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wmwb123  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Originally Posted By: wmwb123
So I guess it would also be bad to ask her how the affair partner is better than me?


Yep. Yes! Zip it about the OM. Don't acknowledge him at all. Don't bring him up at all.

He's nuthin'. Not worth your head space.



OW, actually. And I don't think about her except to the extent that she's who my wife left me for. It's my beautiful wife that occupies my thoughts 24/7. I wish I didn't love her. I wish I could just put her out of my mind like she's put me out of hers...


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Am I on the right track? (3) [Re: wmwb123] #2510651
11/24/14 11:43 PM
11/24/14 11:43 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Posts: 7,319
Oops. Thanks for reminding me. Ugh. Swimming in too many OM's lately. frown

To help distract yourself from constantly thinking about W, GALing is essential for your wellbeing and makes you a much more well-rounded person.

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