Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[Wonka]

HP,

I would suggest that you talk to W face-to-face and inform her that you've received her latest email. Thank her for sharing her views and that you need some time to process all of this information. The pair of you need to step back a bit for a while and acknowledge the fact it is indeed a difficult time for you two.

Then say, "I still care and love you deeply. I do not want to separate but will not stand in your way. Right now, let's focus on Thanksgiving holiday and spend time with our son."

Then walk away. She will try to engage with you. If she does, put up a hand and say, "I am tired. This isn't a good time to talk. I'd like to table it for some other time. I want to relax tonight. Thank for respecting my request."

[Vanilla]

HP

You are amazing. This really standing for you, W family and son.

Don't believe W words, these can change like the wind. Draw back and let W be and sleep.

HP you are in my prayers tonight.

Vanilla

[JohnJC]

I feel the emotional roller coaster you are on, HP. I'm am deeply sorry that you have to live through it. I have no advice to share on what you should or shouldn't do at this point, but my sincerest best wishes go out to you. I truly hope you manage some peace somehow. My thoughts are with you.

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

I survived yesterday. After the emails... I went upstairs to talk with S11. Then W came into his bedroom and joined the conversation. She was like normal... seemed like a good mood. We when to the bedroom where she had been watching TV and she kept talking. Light conversation.

I then said exactly what you suggested Wonka. When I told W I love you deeply, she brightened and said the same. Then I was turning to go to the shower.

As you said Wonka, she kept talking.

And I didn't do what you said. I didn't stop her there.

I did do some good things... I leaned on the wall away and over her while she sat on the bed. This instead of me sitting close to her and reaching out to touch and comfort her when she cried. I did STFU for most of her talking. I did listen and showed it. I kept my PMA and confident posture.

She said many things moving back over to her closest to R stance...

She's scared of making the wrong decision by blowing up her family.
She says she's f'ed up with anger and trust issues.
She says she needs to get better and she is going back to IC.
Apologized for OM, said I was right about the disrespect and lies, but still insisted it was innocent.
She says she's really was proud of, happy and impressed with my changes.
A (formerly divorced then unhappily re-married to her H) friend recommended the couples weekend.
She was very excited about the couples weekend. (I didn't say I wanted to go.)
Her friend warned her, if she takes too long to decide to stay, that it then may be too late for me to want to stay.
She says, with my changes, she feels afraid I'll decide I won't want her (I STFU and did not reassure her).
Praised me like she did in her last email.
She says she plans to live with me until June.
She says at that time it's "us deciding if we want to keep going."

So she was back to saying "if it works out" instead of "I don't want it to work out" like in the morning.

Only one thing she said maybe matters... She said I was right in my (Wonka's) email that is was wrong to get me to go to MC when she was not committed to the work. So she was going to IC to work on that.

So, with all that happened yesterday, it's like nothing happened. Nothing really changed. I think this is good to know because now I know these episodes pass. Every decision or crazy event is not the end of the world. I can take care of myself better knowing that.

She also mentioned my OW... that she didn't mention her as a low blow in her email. That W saw that whole event as her wanting me to heal from that old pain with OW. I did speak at this pont to reiterate I was wrong to bring OW into our M and that I should have looked to W for get my emotional needs met. That we both made that mistake, not taking care of ourselves and each other emotionally.

Anyway, we then talked about the future... moving together to a new town... getting boy to a new school, etc. I finally ended it. It was nice and we were re-connected a little.

Even so... I see how letting the convo go on was a mistake and could leave openings for her to go back on anything she said yesterday regarding boundaries and MC.

She did ask again to watch our zombie TV show. I did not remember what to say and it didn't seem right after the day's events so I just said no thanks I'm going to bed. I was genuine this time so there was no problem.

I did tell her of a plan I have for Thanksgiving morning to go volunteer for the homeless and go to the parade with S11. She was excited about that and wants to come without me inviting her.

She went to go sleep on the sofa. Said good nights. End of day.

This morning was regular. I kept subdued PMA. She looked somewhat tired. We said see you laters from across the room and she's gone.

I will get back to myself today. Again got very little done with work and myself yesterday.

Do want to make sure I didn't shoot myself in the foot with anything last night though. I'm aware her saying she would end contact with OM yesterday is nothing. I do have an immediate MC option in mind. Should I bring up setting an appointment?

I have so much to do today. This sitch is not my only bad stressor.

Getting to it now.

Thank you again everyone who reads these and everyone who responds with advice and encouragement. Thank you again for this board. Thank you.

[Little]

Many positives in there. Just don't mind read or start getting expectations. Keep doing what you're doing.

[Wonka]

HP,

Well done! There's a lot of takeaways from W's comments. I think she's given you some invaluable insights on her POV of you and the M. Keep them in the back of your mind.

Do want to make sure I didn't shoot myself in the foot with anything last night though. I'm aware her saying she would end contact with OM yesterday is nothing. I do have an immediate MC option in mind. Should I bring up setting an appointment?

It would not be a bad idea to begin researching MCs in your area and ask them questions about their practices, theories, and approaches. At this time, I wouldn't set up an appointment. However, ask the MCs if you can see them to "interview" them in person so you can get a better feel for who they are and you'll be able to see if you can click with them or not.

We recommend that DBers see SBT (solution-based therapy) therapists who use Gottman marriage therapy principles.

When the time comes, you will have a better sense of who you'd like to see down the road. Right now, it is not the time to do so because your W has't cut ties with the OM.

It doesn't hurt to begin your homework early.

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Only one phone call this entire day from W about some logistical matters. Very nice. Got a little work done too.

Also, reached out to my father today. We have not talked much over the years and that was one of my W's worst issues with me... my bad familial relationships. She is very angry my S11 does not know my dad well and that my extended family is not as close knit as hers. My dad had a line on a condo my family could stay at for a few months while we find a more permanent place to live. This will cut our living expenses by 75%. This addresses my W stress about finances. And it's closer to my s11's school. It all came together and I'll see my dad for a drink on my birthday. GAL achieved. Texted W about the condo as that was the thing stressing her this morning. She called and asked questions. Told me how proud she was of me and how much I helped her.

She also told S11 we'd be moving and about his likely new school next year. He was upset but I sat an talked with him. W then texted me... "Immensely proud of you. Thanks so much."

I'm noticing how she says she's proud of me lately with my changes. I'm not sure this is positive. More like a pat on the head. Nice but means nothing.

Anyway... she goes out to buy groceries. For a while I did most of the cooking b/c I'm a great cook. I thought this was something W really appreciated but now I see how I was the scrambling pleasing husband. Plus, I liked to keep what I was cooking secret as a surprise... plus got irritated when she came into the kitchen as I did not appreciate her cooking skills. All bad husband mistakes. My 180 is to let her cook, not interfere, and praise her cooking.

When she comes home... I am on the phone upstairs having a funny conversation with a work colleague. Another 180... just be friendlier with people I work with. She has brought home the rum I like. She made me a drink and came upstairs to give it to me. I said no thank you with a smile and went back to my call. She walked away.

She made nice shrimp tacos which I praised her for. She brightened up a lot.

While S11 was out the room, she asked me again if I wanted to watch our zombie show. I messed up here.

I said "we'll see."

She said "are you sure? or are you too tired." (my lame excuse last time.)

I said something non-committal.

She said, "if you don't want to watch with me, you should just say so."

I said politely "well as long as I don't know about OM, then no I don't think we should watch together." This was not my script as I forgot it.

She says irritatedly, "There's nothing to know about OM. I made myself clear in my email (where she said she would stop contact but implying now that was not what she meant). We'll just live together as best we can. I'll watch it when I want and you watch when you want."

Now she acting all happy looking at her phone like she won something.

So I feel I really screwed up there with a very weak response to her testing. I should not have brought up OM. I'm don't see how to get to MC anymore without her bringing it up again which I already shut down yesterday. Is this MC/OM thing that I fought for yesterday now salvageable?

Now I wish I'd taken that drink she made for me.

[HPoirot]

Oh... I said "as long as I don't know about OM" so I wasn't clear. She may have thought I wanted to know about OM instead of know she stopped contact with OM like she said yesterday (for the 3rd time). Either way... I screwed up and suffered yesterday for nothing. Just brush myself off and keep going...

[HPoirot]

I see how I've been so focused on W and OM and MC the past many days. While I've learned a lot and often felt stronger... I've also made myself sick, unhappy, and neglected my work and self improvement. I feel so much stress right now I'm not enjoying time with my S11. Yesterday ended so nice... now tonight I feel like sh*t from one silly mistake.

The rest of today went so well and I really wanted to end strong. I knew she would ask to watch our show together... told myself to be prepared... and I was not at all ready. Would it have been better if I just took the drink she made for me and watched the show with her like old times? I would have loved tonight to end like that. It would have if I just let it. Instead of her leaving the house again to get her nails done, we would be sitting here right now drinking rum and watching zombies like old times. And I would have been very happy...

A very happy idiot.

I see I'm still emotionally following my W around. Still looking for wins and for when she's softens towards me instead of mainly focusing on strengthening myself. She knows my buttons and when she's feeling strong she will push them if I pursue, act needy, bring up OM, or angle for MC. And when she does, I hide it... but I feel weak and she knows it.

Lesson learned again.

It's hard living here with her like this. She's so angry with me then she tells me she's scared she's making a mistake and she loves me. And I still react to it all at least mentally.

I really want to detach from all this.

I think it would be good for her, my boy, and our living together if I did too.

It's like I'm waiting to become detached. I'm not sure I've really tried to detach yet. Time to find a way to actually practice detachment.

And now again I feel like I can't see how I get to my goal from here. Complete opposite of last night.

I can get more consistent mentally. Maybe I feel like cr*p because I'm sitting here on the couch alone eating Oreos.

I can do better.

[Starsky309]

She said "are you sure? or are you too tired." (my lame excuse last time.)

I said something non-committal.

She said, "if you don't want to watch with me, you should just say so."

Well, at least ONE of you is listening to the advice you get here . . .


Starsky, who's feeling particularly snarky today