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HPoirot Offline OP
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I agree this is interesting. W has a big pocket incompatible Galaxy phone which has never in life butt dialed. So yes she called and hung up twice. Once around the email and then before the text. Not that I'm keeping track of or mind reading her or anything. That and I've done 0 work today.

Maybe I should turn off my phone? No my son is at school.

Going for a walk... then back to my life.

Last edited by HPoirot; 11/24/14 06:48 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: HPoirot
I agree this is interesting. W has a big pocket incompatible Galaxy phone which has never in life butt dialed. So yes she called and hung up twice. Once around the email and then before the text. Not that I'm keeping track of or mind reading her or anything. That and I've done 0 work today.



Methinks she is yanking your chain. smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Don't feel bad about needing encouragement. Everyone needs it. I suppose that would be something we could never have too much. When you come through the storm, you will be sharing and encouraging another person.

You have been tested a lot. I've heard it said that we can't have a testimony without the test. So just think what you will have after all of this. Sad to say, but I have learned that it is not the happy-fun times that cause the most growth. We enjoy it and feel the love, but as far as valuable life lessons .........those seem to come through harder times. As with all things we face in life, it is up to us about how to deal with what we have been handed.

Look at Zew. He is using his experience to help others on the board, instead of throwing up his hands and leaving. He has been in the fire and he knows exactly what you are going through right now.

Whenever you have bad moments, or days, come here and find support. It will help you to think straight, instead of acting from emotions.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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HPoirot Offline OP
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Thank you sandi and starsky. It is comforting to know good people like zew have gone through what we're all going through here now and survived. I want to be strong knowledgable enough to handle this better... maybe even one day help someone else through this. Honestly, this site is the main... really only... consistent support I have. I am grateful for it and for you.

...

My W came home to drop off S11 and immediately left for her office a an hour ago.

Now I get this email which mentions my OW...

Quote:
Hi HP,

I emailed the program I sent you the link about, and here is the reply I received. My email to them is at the bottom of the page...then their response is right below this email.

HP, I realize you don't want to go unless I end all contact with OM. I am telling you that OM is not the issue. I think you realize this. However, I also understand your insistence that I do. To be honest with you, I have been thinking of why I don't want to. And I want to explore that with you in a safe space. It is probably akin to the feeling you get when you talk with OW. That, and nothing more, but nothing less either. And so we are in this place and it is awful. I am trying to be as honest as I can. I realize you cannot be my 'friend' in this, and that is partially why I feel the need to separate and deal with this individually. But I also know that we have a lot to work through and that the best way to do so is as a team. At any rate...this [censored]...and I know it is doubly hard for you. I sincerely realize that this has impacted you greatly and that I have hurt you so deeply.

To that end, I believe that this weekend experience could be very good for us. Please read below and let me know if you will consider it.

Thanks,

W


The email she sent to the counselors was...

Quote:
Hello, I wanted to ask you if your workshop is suitable for couples in our situation. My husband and I have been married for 16 years, and I want to separate. I just don't feel we have anything else to give...but my husband HP feels differently. We have admitted to no longer being in love, but we have a wonderful 12 year old son whom we adore. I am sick with grief and very concerned that we may ruin his life if we can't figure this out. I have a friend who recommended you to me...but I just don't know. Shouldn't both partners want to work it out in order to gain the best possible benefits from a weekend with you? Any advice would be much appreciated. W


I'm tired. And not ready for this.

The response from the counselors included this...

Quote:
We have experienced many couples in our weekend that were "done" and felt like they had nothing more. Some have found new hope and regeneration from our concepts and the powerful experience of the weekend and have gone on to have a conscious relationship and a happy family.

Some have found the workshop incredibly eye opening about what has been happening in their relationship for years and have decided to go their separate ways although in a much better space and more clear about how to be good and cooperative parents to their children.

We have people that have divorced and have highly recommended the workshop to others as a valuable experience of self awareness and preparation for the future.

While we hope for and often experience big amazing turn arounds, we have no agenda for the future for couples. Only that they take in the concepts and become more conscious and fulfilled whichever way they decide to go. We are happy to report that the workshop serves as an invaluable experience for virtually everyone whatever relationship state they are in.


I'm sure she loves this.

She said multiple times today no MC. Then more pushing.

But I stick with my boundary. Curious what you think of this? Is there a response better than what I've been giving? What is she doing?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Repeat your boundary, kindly and succinctly. Lather, rinse, repeat.

fwiw, I think she's being disingenuous here. Highly.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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HP
I don't usually have much to add to other's threads besides how I have screwed up.

I do believe you need to hold firmly to your boundaries now that they are stated and understood. I feel if I would have done that strongly in the beginning, things would be much different now.

I am sorry you are being hit with all of this. Stay strong.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
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PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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Oh boy!! HP, W just won't let up at all. Geez.

She's a tough nut to crack. But wait. So are YOU too. Stay the course.

You can respond to W with this suggestion (please feel free to change to suit your personality/style...however, please be sure to post your draft here before hitting the 'send' button). We are supporting you with suggested responses as you can learn how to compose responses in keeping with STFU and KISS principles which in time you will do on your own.
______________________________________________

W,

First of all, I want to appreciate the initiative you took to do look into this session and reaching out.

However, I really don't appreciate you putting words in my mouth in your email to strangers without checking in with me. Once again, I am willing to attend MC counseling or some other couples training with the condition that the OM is completely out of the picture. It is incredibly unfair to me, to you, and to our family to pretend to work on the marriage when you're still seeing OM. This is a nonstarter. I am NOT willing to continue living in an open M.

I need to make one thing abundantly clear to you. I made a very serious mistake in judgement by getting involved with OW which was highly inappropriate and disrespectful to you and our marriage. I recognized the error of my ways and it will never be repeated.

In summary, these are the choices that you're making now and continuing to do so. Please cease sending me information or other resources on MC or marriage-related events UNLESS and UNTIL the OM is out of the picture.

I am not wavering on this boundary that has been put in place to protect the marriage and our family. Continuing to ignore or breaching this boundary is incredibly disrespectful and downright disingenuous.

Thanks,
HP



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HPoirot Offline OP
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Ok here's my draft...

W,

First, I appreciate the initiative you took to do look into this session and reaching out.

Even so, I don't appreciate you speaking for me in your email without checking in with me. Again, I am willing to attend counseling or some other couples training with the condition that OM is completely out of the picture. It is incredibly unfair to me, to you, and to our family to pretend to work on the marriage when you're still in contact with OM. This is non-negotiable. I am NOT willing to continue living in an open marriage.

I need to make one thing clear to you. I made a very serious mistake in judgement bringing OW into our marriage. That was highly inappropriate and disrespectful to you. I was wrong and it will never be repeated.

These are the choices that you're making now and continuing to do so. Please stop sending me information on marriage counseling until the OM is out of the picture.

I am not wavering on this to protect our marriage and our family. Continuing to ignore this is incredibly disrespectful.

Thanks,
HP

Last edited by HPoirot; 11/24/14 11:01 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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I said "in contact" in my draft as I don't want to give away I know she has seen him. Or should I do so?


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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smile

Looks darn good to me!

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