Busting this Divorce - Standing Firm

[HPoirot]

Third Thread

Second Thread

First Thread

To recap... my wife said she loves me but does not love me. Says she doesn't know if our M can be fixed, then doesn't want to fix our M, then doesn't want to be married to me. She's in some kind of an A with OM who may or may not be always in the area. I'm learning to be a better, happier man.

It has been an incredibly eventful morning. I'm really trying to get on with my day and life. I really want to make some money this week.

Now this...

W calls me just now. I go to answer it but the ringing stops. I do not think I hung up the phone by accident.

Then I check my email. She has sent me a link and a message...

"take a peek. we could attend this in Jan. it may be very good for us.
what do you think?"

The link is to a registration page for this...

Imago Workshops and Programs for Couples and Individuals

Attending an Imago weekend workshop provides a unique opportunity to grow a strong, loving partnership within a safe and nurturing environment.

Our core Imago Workshop for couples is the “Getting the Love You Want” workshop, based on the original work of Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. In addition, we have several other workshops designed for couples, individuals, and parents. Find the Imago Workshop that is right for you!

I need some help here. What do I do with this after everything that has happened just this morning?

[Wonka]

HP,

Your W is really pushing you and testing your boundary! She just won't stop.

Simply say, "Thank you for this information. This looks interesting and I appreciate you looking it up. I wish to reiterate my stance that I am willing to do counseling as long as the OM is completely out of the picture. This has not changed at all."

I wanted to circle back what Sandi said that I really, really like a lot. Please use this script the next time W suggests watching TV together.

When your W has expectations of watching the TV with you or any other activity you two did in the past.......have you just looked at her and said, "There is nothing I want more than for our M and our lives to be healthy and normal again. However, as long as you are actively involved with another man, I cannot pretend to enjoy a shared activities just the two of us, as if all is well. It is painful for me and feels like a mockery to what we once had." This should not be said with anger or coldness. It should be said lovingly, but not pitifully.

[HPoirot]

Wonka ... I am so thankful for you, for everyone here, and for this board. Just a few days ago I would have happily jumped all over this. When I saw this email, I had only a tiny thought to risk 2x4s and just jump at this and post what happened later.

Is this really how she's thinking? I can't trust anything like this from her really? I'm thinking of the her I knew... looking for a way to fix things. I see her at her desk... doing a search like she does... sharing like she used to. Like finding the school info and being friendly while sharing it this morning. She's being tactical against me then.

Damn... now I feel a little fear about sending the email as you have it there. I know, every time I've gone off script I payed dearly.

She just said OM was nothing and all that. Now she's extended this offer for some reason and I'm going to immediately call her on that with this email script.

Now I'm feeling a little more fear. Why is that? Oh... because I'm nowhere near detached. Give me a moment.

[Wonka]

HP,

Sit with the fear on the fear sofa and have a good talk with it. Dig deep and ask yourself questions. You can answer W later.

I know this is a rough road to travel on. We're right here with you.

[Starsky309]

HP,

Acknowledge the fear, and then DECIDE to push thru it.

Wonka and Sandi have given you golden advice -- your roadmap is right there in front of you.


Starsky

[1foot2]

Yes HP you need to slow this down. I see positives in her waffling, but right now she knows that she can turn to you each time she has a brief change of mind. She sounds incredibly confused and frustrated, which I suppose is better than her just being completely complacent, BUT you need to gently make yourself less available to these rapid changes of mind.

By now, it seems that you have made it clear that you are open to a whole range of options to save your M once OM is gone. Her efforts to explain away OM show her confusion, she wants to downplay him so she doesn't have to cut him off completely in case your collective efforts fail. You must be firm that this won't work for you.

Do not respond to each of these shifts. Wait. Make it clear once more if you must, where you stand. She's smart enough to know what you want.

[HPoirot]

Crying came earlier today than I thought it would. Sobbing now, honestly.

I'm afraid because this one email from W seems like everything I came to this site for that first day with my first angry desperate post. Every decision since seemed like the worst choice of my life... like the end of my M. Like I failed my boy. Like I failed myself. Like I failed my W again.

I want her email to be the beginning of the end of this road. I really really do. I want to grab onto this email with everything I have left.

And I know better. This is far far from the end of this road.

I do not want to do this. I really don't.

Message sent. Word for word.

[Vanilla]

HP

Good choice email, as advised. You have not failed HP, you are succeeding.

Detach, let go of the outcome. Let it work through. You have plenty of time.

And please no Cold War ok. You have a child in the house, you are looking to detach. That way you make unemotive observations and routine responses.

Let W have all the crazies she wants, it can't affect you unless you let it.

Boundaries are enforced gently firmly and without drama.

Calmly. Detached, and if you feel out of control defer, give yourself space.

breathe

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Response... "ok HP. I understand. well, we will just move ahead."

My head hurts. What was the point of all that?

[zew]

Perfect. You stuck to your boundary.

You now know that she understands the boundary. And you know that she isn't ready to give up OM and do the hard work.

She dangled a false hope of R in front of you, and you didn't take the bait.

And it all happened calmly, with very few words.

All in all, a successful parry.