It might be more effective for you to go over the HW with D before she's with your H, and then if he comes over, for you to LEAVE THE HOUSE. He can't pick fights with you or sack out and not pull his weight when you're not there. Also, if you get a call from the teacher about her homework can you forward it to him in some way? Or ask him to take your D to piano so he has to be responsible to the teacher?
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This is an issue where maybe brainstorming your alternatives would be helpful. Or coming at the problem backwards: "I don't want to police the homework. If I'm here, I will be put in that position. How can I back off?"
Another solution would be, when you do the handoff, to go over the homework with him before your D leaves, point out the highlighted portion, ask if he has any questions, and if he says he's got it, don't be available if he wants to come to your place for her to play.
Before he actually moved out, my H asked me to hang around his empty apartment all day to take delivery of his new bachelor pad furniture. I found that disgusting and so WRONG. I looked at him and said "If you want to be separated, then we have to be SEPARATE." I wasn't going to continue taking care of him if he didn't want to reciprocate.
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We're only separated in living arrangements. I'm still taking care of him, picking up his messes and making things easy for him. I pay all the bills, buy all holiday presents, maintain the entire house,
This is one simple sentence. "Now that we're separated, I'm not going to take care of XX anymore." Bam. Done. Nice voice, but firm. He is completely taking advantage of you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
We don't actually do handoffs, maybell. It's taken care of by whomever picks her up from school that day.
To be frank, figuring out the homework is very simple. It's not like I had anyone show me how to figure it out. I open her folder and look. It's pretty easy to see if she did the worksheets or completed her spelling word sentences or not.
He still does not realize what it means to be involved. Dropping your D at school doesn't make you an involved dad, though it's much more involved than he used to be.
It's THIS stuff I honestly have little patience for and it's a trigger for me to speak condescendingly and unkindly. I need to just back off entirely or take it on entirely. Backing off means hoping he'll pick up the slack but HE DOESNT or he does the absolute bare minimum (well I told her to do her homework).
See, i take on these things because he does nit give a flying eff. I pay all the bills. Why? Because for the 6 months he did it we got 5 notices from Edison about having our power shut off. I'm not even joking. And he doesn't care. Somehow it's someone else's fault. He doesn't even have a key for the mailbox so he'd blame me for not getting the mail... But the bills give plenty of time to pay them and I don't go more than two days without picking up the mail.
He's still stuck in "it's not my fault" mode and I'm over it. It's not his fault D didn't do her homework on Wednesday, not his fault he can't figure out what her piano homework is, it's not his fault our marriage failed, it's not his fault!!
I'm sick of it being ALL me. And it's not all me, I know that.
I just wish he'd take some ownership, some responsibility. I feel like he's a 12 year old kid helping me by babysitting my daughter. Except H can drive.
Just got off the phone with H. Trying to plan this week between my work and all that.
He said he'd be picking D up from school except for a Tuesday to help me out since I work late on Monday and Wednesday and don't want her waiting for me at school that late. Here's our convo:
H: just so you know, I'm going to be at the house a lot this week. You know? With picking up D and all?
Me: why? You can't go back to your apartment?
H: well everything she needs is at the house and it's just easier.
Me: she just spent the entire weekend at your place, I'm confused about why you guys need to be at the house if I'm not here.
H: well, I don't have the luxury of having accumulated close to 8 years worth of stuff for her and she doesn't have a playroom here and all that!!
Me: well, she doesn't need 8 years worth of stuff but what kind of stuff do you need for her?
H: you know, toys and stuff.
Me: she doesn't play with toys, she reads.
H: well, there are things at the house I need sometimes and I need to be able to get it.
Me: like what?
H: like a sweater (his closet is completely empty here at the house), or a cable for the studio, or a tool.
Me: I have no problem with you getting what you need out in the garage.
H: well, that's good to know.
Me: I just feel I need to set a boundary here. I don't see any reason for you to be here if I'm not here.
H: well, there are things I need. Like wine that is delivered to the house or Amazon stuff that's delivered there or whatever.
Me: I have no trouble with you taking what you need when I'm here.
H: but you're increasingly not there and stuff and I don't know when you're working and it's just hard to coordinate.
Me: look, it's no biggie to just text me and say, "I want to grab a few bottles of the recent shipment of wine that came in, is tomorrow at 5 good for you?"
H: I guess I could do that.
Me: yeah. And I'm not a punitive person, I'll tell you if it's convenient or not but I won't keep you from your stuff if I'm home.
H: that's good to know.
Me: and if you have so much of your stuff here, why don't you get a few boxes and pack up the rest of your stuff?
H: maybe I will.
Me: ok, then you'll have everything you need.
H: ok. [silence]. Do you think you can meet me and D at Starbucks with her meds at 7:30?
Me: oh. Hmmm, I was planning on staying up late and editing these last few sessions but I'll get up early, sure.
H: I know it's probably annoying for you.
Me: I'd tell you if I couldn't or didn't want to and I know you'd solve that problem. I've never implied or even suggested it's annoying, I don't mind so I'll see you at 7:30.
H: ok, I'm just trying to shadow box you.
Me: no shadow boxing necessary. I'm a grown woman. If I can't do what you've asked, I'll let you know.
H: ok. See you in the morning then.
Me: k.
I'm proud of myself. I was generally calm, straight forward and unwavering (all new things for me) and I don't *think* he's harboring secret resentment about my boundary. He's notorious for agreeing to something but being SUPER bitter about it. He doesn't like following rules, least of all rules I've placed down.
Hopefully I didn't push him further away by suggesting he come get the rest of his stuff but it makes sense for him to have it, right?
I've been reading your thread for awhile and i see some similarities in our stitch. I just worked up the nerve to post about mine today, and I credit a lot of it from seeing your stitch - because I thought mine was unique and couldn't be DB.
I can relate to being tired about everything. It's an exhausting place to be, especially when a spouse doesn't take ownership of their own responsibilities and feelings.
I think your latest enter action was well done.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
