M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
So my last thread ended with me making a stunning lapse in judgement by pursuing my WAW in a way I really didn't need to do. Coupled with my desire not to leave well enough alone. I kept missing a piece of "The Last Resort Technique" in my brain. I thought: "Well, I should try to do 180s on our affection issues since that's what she told me was one of the main issues, because you're supposed to do that according to the book and 'The Last Resort' technique is last right?" I missed a passage. Glossed over too fast (Mr Bond you have me dead to rights on that). The Last Resort was to halt the dynamic that is going to drive her away. Not a way to work on the issues. I have to wait on that...and that is a hard thing to do. Thank you all for your feedback and for being somewhat patient with me. I'll keep at this.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
What I've been trying to do. -Not to contact S from work as much. Only in regards to child related things. -Making sure I'm facing her and giving her my full attention when she's talking to me (not zoning on the computer). -Letting her start conversations (although I am not very good at this. I'll still ask her about school, etc.). -Making myself scarce. Although this feels like what was kind of a problem in the first place since she said she felt lonely before, but I am doing it any ways. -I've gone out and done a few things for fun. She was invited, but declined. I did them happily without her. -Working out daily. -Got a couple of new shirts. - Got new cologne (Dolce & Gabanna). - I am laughing a lot more.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
-Not to contact S from work as much. Only in regards to child related things.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you might need to question how important is that child related thing, before you pick up the phone. Ask yourself if it can wait a little longer or do you really need to interrupt her day at that moment. You don't want to appear like a nuisance, so make sure it is a legit reason.
B/c the board members tell newcomers not to make contact except for child related issues.......many newcomers use it as their crutch. "Oh, it's legal (acceptable) if it's about the kids. Nobody can give me a 2x4 if it's kid related". They think of all kind of "child related" things. It really becomes an excuse to contact the WAS.
Not saying this is what you do, but if you find you are contacting a lot, maybe make a list of the things as you think of them. Then you can discuss several things in one contact.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okabe, I read your first thread with great interest, it's very similar to my WAW situation. My W feels no connection to me, wants to reconnect, but is terrified that she can't. My W unfortunately has an LDEA that is complicating things. That said, both our W have given us the gift of time. You and I are both very similar in that we're having a difficult time detaching.
You're on the right track here. I'm having to pull back from physical affection, I have not said ILY this weekend, except a couple of times in response to her.
Keep at it. It feels very weird, I know. The vets on here know what they are talking about. You have to be somewhat of a relationship scientist and see what works. It's almost harder when they're still basically friendly with you.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Sandi2: I don't call too much. It's mostly logistics of who is picking up our kids on some days. Maybe once a day, but not a lot. I used to call more: to say hi, ask about picking up groceries, etc. I have stopped that now.
Rzrback: I'll have to check your thread out later (I'm at work now), but I know the frustration of living together, being friendly, but knowing you're not "together" exactly. My W is in the "I don't know" stage. It is crazy making to a degree, but I have to learn to let go. I agree, it's difficult. Funny thing: she's from Arkansas (I saw your location). We visit her dad there every year.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Sandi2: I don't call too much. It's mostly logistics of who is picking up our kids on some days. Maybe once a day, but not a lot. I used to call more: to say hi, ask about picking up groceries, etc. I have stopped that now.
Could a schedule be made for pick-ups?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Most of the time she does it because I work. Come to think of it. She usually will contact me if she wants to see if I can get the kids from school, not the other way around. So I really don't contact her from work much at all anymore.
Last edited by Okabe; 11/24/1407:47 PM.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Funny thing... While I have been focusing on detaching I have noticed (and realized a few things). I think about the times in this last year I have reached out to do something nice. I've given gifts, done things for for her, said nice things, and have been thoughtful in many ways...but it wasn't received well I guess. Since I've started the process of detaching I have offered to do things with her, but no takers on the offers. It hasn't stopped me from doing things and enjoying myself though. I have also noticed that she has been very negative in her perception of the world. This is not in regards to me and hasn't been directed at me. Just watching a tv show with the boys that she was half watching, not enjoying and critical of. Part of me just wanted to say: "lighten up. It's just a show. I just enjoy it to enjoy it and don't think so hard about it." Just something that I noticed.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
I guess the hard part for me is waiting. I know my wife. She is stubborn and often won't take action until she is forced to. So as I work on detaching I wonder how long before she starts to talk to me about our R, she didn't tell me before. I suppose her feelings are exposed and so are mine, so at least we both (kind of) know where we stand. I wonder about next year. We take a vacation to visit her family every year when the boys get out of school. Do I go? If I don't, the boys will now be informed about the possibility of separation and divorce being on the table. I know this is too far in the future and I should focus on the now. I have a hard time letting go of my impulse to want to "fix" things. I can't do 180s on the stated issues because they are all things that will push her away (intimacy and affection). The biggest change I have tried to make is to be sure I am facing her and giving her my whole attention when she is tallking (which I think was definitely a problem before). I have noticed as I am working on detaching. I am happier. I didn't realize how much I depended on her to feel good about myself. I have also noticed how either unhappy or serious (it's hard to tell sometimes- she has a very flat affect) she is much of the time. I wonder if she ever enjoys herself aside from when she's playing her online games. Just a few thoughts today.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
