I need help changing some light bulbs. Should I ask him to help when he drops off D tonight?
Or should i just do it myself?
Why am I even debating this question. The truth is it really is a two person job. But one of the lights is in my bedroom and I think that would be weird.
Most of the time I'm ok with my single-ness. (Ok, not thrilled). It's moments like this where it just kind of [censored].
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking h for a little help. Keep the expectations low. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Oh well. I decided to do it myself. I didn't ask and he didn't mention anything even though he saw the ladder. He offered to help with something else for D (buying some supplies she needs.... because, obviously, I am the default person in charge of all of that. He can't just, like, DO IT. (For the record, I said, "That would be great, thanks!")
These days, (in a marked change from his slight warming up a couple of months ago), he can barely look at me or say two words to me, and could not get out of here fast enough tonight.
Maybe soon I will feel detached enough to be co-worker friendly with no expectations. I'm not going to imagine why he seems to be so uncomfortable around me. Maybe he thinks I'm uncomfortable around him. Maybe he's afraid of giving me the wrong idea. Maybe he is wracked with guilt and shame. I have no clue and don't really care. (all evidence here to the contrary). Ok, I'm on my way to not caring.
Taking a lot from the boards these days, but haven't given much back. But hoping some of you will have patience with me.
Another parenting question: I was emailing with the director of my D's school the other day. (She emailed me to alert me to an incident that happened that day: my daughter was aggressive with another child, which is unusual behavior for her).
I replied to the director: I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope the other child is ok. I'm curious about how the rest of her day went? Was she generally happy, or were there other frustrations that were building ( maybe with another child, but about the same sort of issue? Maybe she mentioned something else she was upset about? ) Just trying to understand where this might have come from.
I did not ask about whether she thought my M sitch was a factor.
But in her reply, she brought it up: "D has mentioned feeling sad sometimes about the separation between you and her dad. As she has not spoken to me directly about it, I can't tell you exactly what she said. (Teacher) brought it up during a recent staff meeting, as D spoke to her directly about it. "
Should I forward this to H? In a "just wanted to keep you in the loop" sort of way? I want it to be clear that I didn't ask her any leading questions. I haven't brought it up to my D's teachers at all, except to just inform them of the situation. I have a feeling he'd assume that I was being manipulative somehow. But at the same time, if everyone is living under this delusion that my D has not been affected... and we are WRONG about that... shouldn't he know that?
When I reached out to the school counselor for my S8 I did cc my H. My position if challenged (which it was not) is that it is a health issue that my H is entitled and obliged to know about. It ended up helping a lot since the materials the counselor sent home with S8 resulted in H making some adjustments to the kids' environment that mattered a lot to my boy... And I didn't have to get involved.
I would say that your H ought to know this stuff because if it escalates and you HAVE to bring him in on it later, he would be frustrated to not know about it as it developed. Rightfully, in my view.
I'm sorry your little D is struggling. It's good that she's speaking out so that you can support her.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
1) He is pi$$ed at me for a) not cc'ing him on my response to the director (which is a valid concern, but in my defense, I wrote it while recovering from a major migraine); and b) for not alerting him to the director's response for 2 days. Fine, I can validate that, too.
2) He said "although I would rather hear about what D does on a day-to-day basis, I'm generally not going to argue with you for choosing not to do that" (in regards to the fact that I don't generally tell him what I do with D. So, he's pi$$ed about that, too, even though he doesn't generally share with me how he spends his time with D. Sometimes he'll tell me that she wasn't listening, or had trouble sleeping or something, but he doesn't tell me what happened in gymnastics class, and when I call to say good night to her he won't even talk to me on the phone. at all.
3) I went back and forth so many times about whether to share with him the director's email, because I feel like he's unwilling to consider the fact that his choices have had a negative impact on our D. (His mom, his family, his friends all say, "look at how resilient D is! She's terrific! This is all she knows! She's great!" If I am the ONLY one saying the opposite... that makes me look pretty terrible. So, I keep my mouth shut. I was afraid that he would assume that I had insinuated something or had been talking with her teacher somehow about this, or that I've been asking D about it. I haven't done any of those things.
I'm not explaining this well, but I hope someone gets what I'm trying to say.
The fact that the ONLY response he has to this is anger towards me for not telling him sooner is revealing. Now that I think about it, WOW-- it says a lot that he didn't write something like, "I'm frustrated you didn't share this with me sooner, but I want you to know I'm sad to hear this, and I hope we can speak with her teacher together soon to help her."
It was all about HIM, and how the school director and I disappointed him. Interesting. (NPD?)
Ok, realizing THAT makes me feel better.
I will respond with a validation of his concerns... but I don't know what else to say. I don't know if I get to bring up any of my concerns... This DB stuff is so, so hard.
Oh, and, nobody knows that tomorrow morning I'm going to see a dermatologist to check out a spot on my lip that my dentist was concerned about. It's probably nothing, and I'm not really worried, but it would have been nice to have a partner to share it with. It's not something I can tell my parents-- they would freak out and bug me about it forever, and at the moment it's not something to worry about, so I don't want to share it with friends. But, still... it's the kind of thing you tell a partner who will give you a hug and say, "I hope it's nothing. I love you" and then call you from work the next day to find out what happened.
