Your wife knows how you feel about her A? From a female perspective (random sample of one) I didn't read into the message you condoned OM and the A. If another female view please say.
But I wouldn't think her messages back were more than information. But they were pleasant interactions which is ordinary stuff. Ordinary and civil seems good to me. It seems from your description You did the happy b thing without sloppy cards and cutesy presents and emoting.
Easy Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/24/1412:18 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks Vanilla. I'm also happy with the interaction. The only direct mention of the OM I've made is in reply to her email announcement. I wrote: "Thanks for telling me". Other than that, I've never mentioned him.
I told her twice that we have to go through this (the S) for our own sake, that we'll see if we meet on the other side -- last time I said so was almost two months ago, when we first met after she left. It means I've no control over her, that we both have work to do, things to live and that we don't know what the outcome will be.
She also knows I didn't want the S, although she's prone to forget it. I don't mind that too much at the moment, because she's infatuated with the OM, so I don't want to pursue. She sends me signals that it's over for good, like announcing the OM (though she knew the kids would babble) or talking about "the next 15 years" co-parenting while separated. I just ignore it, thinking it's the fog speaking. This being said, we never talk about D.
One other thing I might clarify: Where we live and in our minds, my W is not having an A at the moment. She left me, then she got together with this OM. It's not even an OM, by our standards: it's her new BF and I'm her XH. The only time D was brushed upon, she talked it about it like it was just paperwork. We got married in court, at short notice, and to an extent to get some papers in place. Nevertheless, we held hands, exchanged rings and vows with tears in our eyes, had a few friends with us, took pictures and went for dinner. We celebrated our anniversary every year. So it's important, but maybe not like some people who are more religious or made a bigger deal of their wedding. For my W, her wedding ring was always just one ring among many (how fitting now!).
I'm clarifying this because there seems to be a view that I have some moral high ground, that she's currently cheating on me, her H. I do believe that she had an EA with this OM before she left me, but based on it, she quickly ended our R and went with him. She did it as cleanly as possible. We're no longer together so, even if we're still married on paper, to her we're simply separated for good and free to do our own things.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
She is your W, S or not it's an A. A big No No A . Whether it was EA or PA before she was a WAW it was an A. It still is an A.
You are working on your M. Standing, good for you. Until you are ready to D, then this Is your M and she is your W.
You are allowed to work on you in DB even beyond A, S or D.
The vets are here for you and the rest of us give each other moral support.
Vanilla thinks you are more detached and less frantic than when she first read your thread. calmer and more circumspect. The early Mozza would not have evaluated his text , he would have just reacted. I see more space and more thought. Not going to be 100% as we learn, we grow. Wonka has a wonderful way with words and is very giving and writes so beautifully himself so his wording to be respected. But from one newbie to another you seem more detached.
Getting there in peace Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/24/1401:39 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
One other thing I might clarify: Where we live and in our minds, my W is not having an A at the moment. She left me, then she got together with this OM. It's not even an OM, by our standards: it's her new BF and I'm her XH. The only time D was brushed upon, she talked it about it like it was just paperwork. We got married in court, at short notice, and to an extent to get some papers in place. Nevertheless, we held hands, exchanged rings and vows with tears in our eyes, had a few friends with us, took pictures and went for dinner. We celebrated our anniversary every year. So it's important, but maybe not like some people who are more religious or made a bigger deal of their wedding. For my W, her wedding ring was always just one ring among many (how fitting now!).
I'm clarifying this because there seems to be a view that I have some moral high ground, that she's currently cheating on me, her H. I do believe that she had an EA with this OM before she left me, but based on it, she quickly ended our R and went with him. She did it as cleanly as possible. We're no longer together so, even if we're still married on paper, to her we're simply separated for good and free to do our own things.
This is, by far, the craziest rationalization I've ever heard from a LBH!! OMG!!! This is mad, mad!
Really.
Contortion Word Olympics aside, I have news flash for you: This is an affair. Period.
Oh goodness. My curiosity is piqued big time:
I do believe that she had an EA with this OM before she left me, but based on it, she quickly ended our R and went with him. She did it as cleanly as possible.
Does that^^ make it okay for you, Mozza???!! You even mentioned "EA" which suggests affair.
Wonka... I'm really not sure how to tell you this. Your words are hurtful. The way you express your opinion is hurting me. I've said so before and now I repeat it. I hope you'll hear me. I don't doubt your intentions, but I encourage you to review the way in which you provide, you phrase your advice. There are vulnerable people on the receiving end, people dealing very seriously with the biggest challenge of their lives, just as they're at their weakest. There will be differences of opinion and we'll have to learn to respectfully exchange and, sometimes, disagree. Again, remember the words of MWD: the best way to influence someone is to reinforce positive behavior. Negative feedback is not effective. I've learnt that the hard way.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I am wondering what is it that you are feeling "hurt" by up there? Hurt that I don't agree with your view point and call it out as I see it. I still stand by my stance that your rationalization is questionable at best.
Just don't get how you are saying that your W isn't having an affair because she "made a clean break" when the facts are that you two are still married and she brought a third party in the marriage. And you seem perfectly content with that thought process.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
One other thing I might clarify: Where we live and in our minds, my W is not having an A at the moment. She left me, then she got together with this OM. It's not even an OM, by our standards: it's her new BF and I'm her XH.
If you're okay with that, then maybe we should step back and let you live your life in an open marriage and stop wasting our time here. You can't have it both ways.
I think I need you to understand, hard though it is that an EA or PA in M is an affair. You are permitted to have some distress, it's horrid, hurtful and thoroughly wayward behaviour.
And it will hurt to hear that. It will hurt very much, it's truly out of order.
Taking the moral high ground could be detrimental and get in the way of your detachment. Facing our own role in the break up of our M is important so we can not get in our own way to piecing and beyond.
Rationalising OM as bf however swift the switch may help in the short term but is unlikely to get you where you want to go.
Wonka is helping you get where you need to go and I believe coming from a good place. She asks a valid question of you.
Best for you Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/24/1402:19 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
