I love it, Shining. That's so good you did it your way. What you said... great expression. I totally feel it. I love it when someone can capture these crazy thoughts/emotions that some of us can have. We can relate on different levels.
Good for you. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by things like that I'm just not sure what direction to take (like my house reno's). People push and say what I should do about them.. I'm like, Really??!! OK, well, I will do what I want, when I want (oh geeze, maybe s17 is rubbing off on me).
I feel you, Shining. It is like hard to do something like that when you are trying to establish so much more. You did it! and on a $14 budget (my kind of girl!) and I am so sure it looks totally amazing!
Hey Shining, you're in oil and gas as well? Sounds like a great place. Oh, by the way, I am looking for a new job, they don't need one of the world's best oil and NG sales experts in the known universe would they? (lol). I think it's great that you found a group that you fit in with so well. It's so important. I'm hoping to find the same in wherever I find myself. I also understand the office decorating thing. I never did make my last office my own because of my uncertainty about my M!
You are sounding stronger every day! Keep moving forward. Who knows, maybe I'll run into my old friend that knows Dave G. again and I'll be sure to tell him about Shining!
Matt, if I hear anything.... I'll be sure and let you know!
I need to get this out. I don't want to. I need to. Spinning again, but I'm ok.
I spoke with xh for 7 hours and 16 minutes on the phone yesterday.
For anyone who hasn't followed my whole sitch... xh is the father of my kids. We were M for 15 years.
My current H is the MLCer.
Xh recently had his own "awakening" as it turns out. Over the past 5-7 years or so, while the kids and I lived in a different state, he has done some major self work.
Our first discussion, when our S18 shipped out, was a 3 hour talk in my car. This was when he admitted to everything he had done to us. There are 5 types of abuse. He committed 4 of them.
During that talk, he apologized over and over. He said the best thing was for us to move away and heal. He said he was proud of me and he kids for how great we are doing. He also told me I could not have become the wife he thought I needed to be, because it was not humanly possible. And he apologized for controlling and suffocating us out of his fear of abandonment.
So....
Yesterday, we started by talking about travel arrangements for he kids, holiday schedule, etc. Then I caught him up on the kids, and what they're doing. Then it turned to R talk.
More came out about the past. I don't really know how to sort this out. So I'm laying it out here. Where my friends are:).
He went into more detail about his mindset at the time, and how he can't believe he did what he did. He was very sincere, and matter-of-fact.
He said he acted on emotions, but he now knows it was not based on fact. He had to learn to recognize what is truth and what is his imagination/assumption.
When we were together, we lived in an absolutely gorgeous, big, old house that was renovated. It was on a large wooded lot. I loved that house.
During our S, initially, I was cut off from our bank account. He refused to move out. I would not leave the kids, but I couldn't afford a place for myself and the 4 kids, since our judge refused to issue temporary orders for child support.
We had an in-house S. He would not leave the master bedroom. I was essentially banished to the basement. I lived there for 1 1/2 to 2 years, I think... A lot of this is a blur of memories I never wanted to revisit.
Back then, my attorney told me not to move out. That I would probably be awarded the house if I stayed.
But, I didn't want the house. I told my xh yesterday, why I couldn't stay, and why I didn't want it.
During that time, xh was psychologically vicious. For a few examples, my belongings were taken, randomly, while I was at work, and locked away in a closet in his room. He took whatever things he could, so I would have to buy them again, like contact lenses....so I would run out of what little money I had. Keeping me dependent on him, and keeping me in the house.
He hid recorders and cameras in the basement. He cut off the phone and internet connections to the house. He closed the vents to the basement, so it would be freezing cold down there when I returned from work. He removed newly replaced, working light bulbs from the recessed fixtures, and replaced them with burnt out ones. So I would have to buy more.
He rummaged through my things daily. I caught him lurking behind me watching me through the window.
He buried things in the yard. My wedding ring disappeared.
He even called the police on me, telling them a I made threats toward him. He looked at me, squarely in my eyes as he made this call. He calmly described to the dispatcher, an entire story that never happened. The police came out. He knew he officers personally. It was a living nightmare.
Needless to say, I was a paranoid mess.
I suffered from extreme anxiety. My hair was falling out, I temporarily lost the hearing in my left ear, and more physical stuff.
Here's what I told xh yesterday:
After trial ended, I knew the judge had 90 days to decide. I could go into debt for 90 days. I secured a townhouse in the school district, and in one day, my mother and I emptied the house of the furniture the kids and I would need. I picked the kids up after school, and surprised them. (H came home to a pretty empty house.)
I told him, that it must have been a shock to come home to that. Especially with his abandonment issues.
I felt I needed to explain, that I didn't do that as an act of spite. I truly did it to survive. I told him that I didn't think he would be agreeable to letting me take furniture or anything I may need. And I felt I had to do it this way or I wouldn't have anything.
Xh told me I was right. He said he would have fought me tooth and nail, and there would be lawyers, and orders, and yep. He said he never would have agreed to that, no matter what I asked. He said he was not capable of a mature, rational conversation, even if it meant it was best for the kids. Nope.
He thanked me for explaining that to him. He thought it was out of spite for years. He said it makes sense now. He apologized for putting me through that. He empathized. He couldn't imagine how difficult it was for me and my mother to move everything.
I told him I knew I would get the house if I wanted, but I didn't want it. I told him I was fearful that he would always consider that "his" property, and that he would stalk us there.
He again said, yep. I was right. He said he was so driven by his misperceptions, that he would have done all those things I feared. He said he would have gone into the house if it was mine. He would have continued to stalk us. He said if we had lived in his state, he would have been watching my every move.
He then told me he spent over 70k on attorney fees. And ended up with exactly what I was asking in the beginning.
He also told me after it was all over, and we moved on, he hit his rock bottom. He woke up everyday for a good 6 months wanting to end his life. He would wake up each day saying to himself, "if it hurts this bad tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow." And bought himself time.
I told him I had feared for years, (deep breath..... this was difficult) that he would never let us out. That we would never be free from him. That he would possibly snap and take our lives ....and his own.
He said, "I know, Shining. I know." He admitted he had thought about it.
He apologized after every topic. He said he absolutely killed our M and our family. He said he will regret what he did forever, but he has to forgive himself, and find his own way to be happy.
He said he didn't believe me when I told him that if he let us go, and heal, that the kids will come back to him. He said, "you told me this in the beginning. And they did." And he was crying.
He said I was the love of his life. That he had the most beautiful W, who was, smart and gregarious, and fun-loving. And he wanted that only for himself, and no one else. So he would berate me in public for having fun, smiling, and laughing. So I would learn to behave and be quiet.
He said he was afraid if anyone else saw what he had, that they might take it away from him. He was so afraid of losing me. He said it sounds crazy, he knows. But that's how he felt. And that's how he acted.
Oh wow, Shining. I don't know what or if there is anything to say. Glad you had the conversation with your xh as it sounds like one that needed to happen.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, GB. It's like re-braking a misaligned bone so it can heal properly.
It hurts like he!! To revisit those years, but I feel like it is needed if it's going to heal.
The R with him and the kids is not perfect. They are still guarded. Although, they were not imagining a R with him at all 5 years ago.
It's one of those bigger-picture things. The stuff we can't see, years down the road. When these horrible thing happen to us. And we can't imagine what good can come of this. I was the WAW. All sitches are different, but Xh now sees the best thing happened, even though it meant he lost us. Because the kids are thriving now. They were failing miserably in school and their self esteem was non-existent. Now they're straight A, funny, loving, outgoing, have lots of friends....happy kiddos. Even in current sitch. They're making it.
For him to acknowledge, that the best thing happened by leaving him? That takes cojones.
Wow, Shining, Those years must have been a living he!! Almost sounds like a Lifetime movie event. You really had to be strong, I don't see you as a WAW, to me you HAD to get away from that sitch, just to survive! It must have been so hard for him to admit to all he did. Talk about insecure, he must have had a really hard childhood.
The things you learned back then will serve you well in your current sitch, for sure. Doesn't seem fair that you have had to go through a MLC S now after all you survived back then. I hope your EX can have a good life now. Seems like he grew up over the years. Maybe now he can begin to be a father to his kids. They can learn much from him about recognizing your demons and becoming a better person...it's never too late until your no longer around!
Thank you so much, Matt! You're exactly right. It's never too late.
I don't talk about those years to anyone. I hadn't shared much here until xh kinda did his wake-up announcement.
I never wanted to "live" there. I didn't feel like a victim, and talking about it would make me feel that, I thought. I also thought I moved past it and got strong, and confident.
I was confident when I met H. It surprised me how quickly I fell back into old patterns.... Clearly I have more work to do!
It truly is the best thing for the kids. They saw how bad it was. I can use this example in our current sitch with h.... One never knows what can happen over time. Things can and do change. Not always like this..... But never give up hope.
7 + hours on the phone. Wow. Shining, it must feel so different, IDK. My first xh never apologized for his behavior, so I don’t know how it feels. I actually don’t even want his apologies. I’m was past that. I know he never was a good father to my son, and he never will be. He just has this narcissistic personality.
But, what a story and all this you went thought! And what a change in your xh!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
That's quite a long mea culpa! So glad that you are hearing this from him and even though I know it sometimes stirs things up for you- processing through it can only help your healing in the long run.
I loved the office decorating story! Wish we could post pics on here- I'd love to see it.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
