Sharing with people that "get it" is what makes those dark days more bearable. What is was completely unprepared for was the reaction of family and friends about moving on quickly. In the age of reality TV and FB and no fault divorce it is as if our society has just embraced unhealthy detachment to the nth degree.
Seriously odd how people just expect you to dump the old life and get a new one in the time it takes to visit the mall. People seem to be this way with everything and everyone nowadays. I can appreciate moving forward in life but most people are just chasing rainbows and unicorns.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Yes, you need to be well and truly done with the old relationship before you start a new one - and you need to do the necessary work on yourself.
But the people who are urging you to move on and date are just coming from a place of not wanting to see you hurt - they think that you deserve someone who treats you better and just want to see that manifest in your life.
Thanks GG, my girl Mighty, BK, Cali, Gwen and Shining. I do appreciate every single comment here. Thanks for your support and just listening to me ramble. On and on and on.
I don't really miss my h. I miss having someone although I can't say I particularly miss him. Sometimes, that in itself makes me sad. I've cried more in the last month than I have in over a year. And I'm not a crier. Although, I miss what I thought I had and my intact family. Yet, I feel nothing for him. At least at this moment.
I cannot help but think this overwhelming desire to have $ex with whoever has something to do with my ED. Or the stuff associated with my ED. ED has been under control for years but it is always there. The control maybe? Again, I don't feel anything towards any man right now. I feel like a shell (hopefully one of the pb flavored magic shells you pour on ice cream)
Cali, you said something that made me think. You said I had the stones to admit that I have this overwhelming desire to have meaningless $ex. I am at a point where I am trying to be authentic and honest. With the exception to my children, physical touch from anyone almost revolts me. Literally. I hugged my bf Saturday and I had to do it a couple of times not to *feel* that sense of repulsion. And she's beautiful and wonderful. But I want to be in control and dominated (not necessarily in the $exual sense) at the same time. I hope this isn't TMI-it is a bit of an overwhelming feeling right now though. It is the strangest yet most pervasive feeling I've had in years. I cannot quite describe it.
I grew up in a very looks focused household. My mother was an xyz Queen and she never got me. Or we never got each other. The definition of different peeps. That I have moved on from. We just saw things differently. She just grew up that way and we see certain things differently. She did the best she could and her intentions were pure. She is beauty queen and I'm kind of granola. I both hated and wanted attention for my looks. Isn't that crazy? I used to keep myself a little chubby because I hated how much attention my body got. And at the ripe old age of 42, I actually get a ton of attention based on my appearance and I don't get it. Beauty is fleeting and it's what's on the inside that matters. Xh used to always say "you get noticed so much from the guys and you never even pay attention." Strange. Again, I'm not Giselle. Hails no I'm not even Giselle's big toe. Still, something isn't connecting for me mentally right now.
Thanks for listening.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yeah, I too have arrived at the point I do not miss W, I miss her when she was nice, but this MLC think it has been some time since she was just nice and loving, and I catch myself missing a ghost in a sense so I get that. I think I realized I miss feeling whole and having that family presence .... some of that is her, but more of it is me I think. I like you find myself with certain desires that are overwhelming, however I struggle with them .... with my journey and the fact I have increased with my faith ... I am conflicted and wonder are these tests I am supposed to pass, these desires do I act on them knowing I may regret them after ... or even worse .. what happens if I do not regret them .. what path would all that lead me down ... so yeah .. I kinda get that, especially living in a SSM for as long as I have its like I have a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket and could very well present it to any woman and of course I would score .. lol
Reading more of what you wrote... is this more about you being accepted for your looks competing with your Mom? Granola over taking the Queen? I do know during some really awful spew the W and her MLC threw out at me .. there were times I needed to prove those things wrong, once I received some attention I bailed. The physical thing is something though ... might be worth diggin more there and finding a source.... regardless you are not alone, maybe there is just a bit of comfort in that.
Thanks Cali. I like you-a DJ, huh? I love me some obscure 80s music. You make a very valid point with the $exuality issue. It is something I'm trying my darnedest to work through while staying true to myself.
If anything, at least I seem consistently crazy. S11 had his first basketball game last night. (You've got nothing to worry about, LeBron!!!). I asked x Mr GB to take s4 as s11 wanted to spend one on one time with me. I watched s11 bound up and down the court (poor guy inherited my athleticism:-) and he was so intense and having so much fun. At the end of the game, a lady came up to me and said, " you have the best kids. They are wonderful and you are so lucky." And I promptly burst into tears. Did I look nutty? Maybe. Hopefully xtra crunchy peanut butter nutty:-). I thanked her and took s to dinner. We had some fries!!!! Maybe I'm allowing myself to be a tad more vulnerable? Show emotions? Maybe I'm just a nutcase???
Then about 9:30 my former boss texted me and asked if he could chat with me in real time. He is being considered for a VP position and wanted me to be a reference. He said that he gets worried about me sometimes and wanted to make I'm okay. I told him I'm in a bit of an odd place right now, and I'll work through it. He's a good guy and I've had many folks reach out to chat. That's been fun -to catch up.
To my fellow fashionistas, I wanna say I look pretty gosh darn swaggy in my dress from M$dc!oth and my wedge boots. I keep telling myself this will pass. I will get better. I will get through this. I can do this.
Happy Tuesday peeps:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 11/25/1403:26 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi GB. just catching up on your thread. You sound good. My 2 cents...affection and attention is not a bad or abnormal thing to want. You deserve to be loved and desired as much as anyone. Happy thanksgiving.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Mini update. X MIL asked what x Mr GB was doing for Thanksgiving as he dropped his dog off for the week without asking me (yes-I'm going to work on boundaries). Oldest son enjoys nutcase dog and of course x Mr GB did not drop off food. Sooooo, had to get another bag. I digress.
D9 has been begging for a Twitter account as she sees her dad on there. Hails to the no ! I phrased it more fluffily to her. X MIL and I consulted Twitter and x Mr GB is at gf parents house. Apparently, in addition to being an erotic story teller gf's mother considers herself a magical fairy. True story. You can't make this up. No word on 84 yr old dad with criminal issues. I genuinely mean this- I think x Mr GB did me a favor. I can't do nutty. I did for years and thought I was doing the right thing. And I think I was. However, I really think he did me a favor.
I'm embarrassed to say I was mean to someone this week. As in went off, mean because I wanted to hurt them or make them hate me. I can't talk about that but I know why I did.
Otherwise, had some gelato with s4 today. Cuddled with both boys. Bathed dog. Finished laundry. Journaled on my blog. Hanging in there.
Sending everyone spirit fingers and a liberty heel stretch:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB.... Erotic storyteller AND magical fairy???? Ummm....that's triple nutty. Loony toons. Wackadoodle-doo. I am still shaking my head.... WOW.
YOU'RE SO FRAKIN AWESOME. Mean-girl outbursts, and all. I'll take you exactly as you are!
AND..... I'll accept your lovely offerings of spirit fingers and Liberty heel stretch. In return, I'm gettin' down in YOUR honor, performing some serious worm.
