Requisite summary of my sitch: BF of 10 years (no kids) came home one day, said he wanted out of our R, admitted to a PA in the past. Was very adamant that he didn't want to work on us, and was tired and burnt. I moved out (couldn't afford the apartment alone). BF is currently sleeping with a friend (in the middle of a divorce) that he claimed to me he's "not in a relationship" with, but I suspect there's more to it and they may have been sleeping together before he actually broke it off with me.
Thanks for the support, guys.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
So, I lazed most of the day away. I was very busy all week and mixed in some "me and the cats" time with some reading and doing crossword puzzles -- because I like to.
Tonight I'm "nesting", putzing around my bedroom and fixing things up to my liking. Moving tchotchkes around and enjoying the ambiance I've created with soft light and decorative touches I enjoy. This is a safe, restful, healing space.
I'm glad that, while I miss BF, I have the ability to be "okay" single. I don't NEED someone to complete me, and I'm not afraid of being alone and spending time in my own company.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I have been thinking about this a lot myself. I am quite happy being single. I love to spend time by myself and have the freedom to do what I want, eat what and when I want and see whomever I want.
I am not really sure what I miss about the WAH. Sex? Love? Someone who has my back?
Oh, I definitely miss BF; his personality, our connection, our bond. I don't necessarily like the way he responds to crisis or problems, but we've long joked that we're the male/female version of each other, and I adore the person he is.
That said, I agree with you that it's nice not to have to be responsible for anyone but me and my "kids" (the cats). I certainly won't be rushing out to find someone to fill the void I feel without him. For a myriad of reasons, of course, but mostly because I don't need SOMEONE there. I'm proud of that.
I've seen the way people roll from one relationship into the next, sometimes seeking a new person first, before they break off the last relationship (BF's pattern, too - don't know for sure if that's what's going on now, but....), and that is REALLY not for me.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Accidentally found a card given to me by BF some time ago, in which he claims I'm a "permanent part of [his] heart and soul".
Guess not, since I'm alone....
Shouldn't even have cracked it open.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I've seen the way people roll from one relationship into the next, sometimes seeking a new person first, before they break off the last relationship (BF's pattern, too - don't know for sure if that's what's going on now, but....), and that is REALLY not for me.
It's not healthy either. It's a selfish way to carry on life and relationships.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm lonely and I have sexual needs that I cannot meet with anyone right now. Not only because I know it will put me in a predicament I'm not equipped to deal with at the moment, but also because it's not fair to anyone else. Of course, I know some people feel like they can meet sexual needs with people who are also in it just for sexual needs, but I'm not prone to operating that way.
There's no need to compare myself to anyone and how quickly they can move on and forward; I can go as slow as I need to go and do whatever I'm comfortable with.
In some aspects, I feel like I've got to settle, now. I found a man who I considered my soul mate, my best friend. He doesn't want me. Now I either settle for someone who doesn't hit me in the same ways or wait forever until someone hits me with the same impressive ways that took forever to find the first time.
I'm just bitter about it all. I wish I could be cavalier like BF and just bonk anyone and then shove myself into a new R just because someone makes my pee pee hard.
Blah.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I feel the exact same way today, Little. Exactly the same.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm totally with you Little. After all, my WAH is bonking half the town. It's their way of coping with the changes but my observation is that it doesn't work all that well. Maybe in some short term ways it does, they can forget for a few hours or a few days. But I know all his bonking isn't making him happy. Looking inside ourselves and improving is what will make our lives better.
So we work on that, and become born again virgins. And hope that they wake up and see the light or that we meet someone new who will appreciate us 100%.
It's a bit of a conundrum, isn't it? At what point do we make the decision to open ourselves to someone else without feeling like WE are having an affair? I hope that becomes clear someday...
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I'm at the age where I'm leaning from my mistakes. I don't want to make the same poor choices I used when I'm hurting and my emotions are tender, and hope it works out for the best some how. That's just asinine.
Getting into an R before I'm ready isn't a benefit to me. It causes more complications than is worth it, and a lot of exhausting emotional effort besides. Getting into a physical situation when I'm vulnerable is not a good idea for me, personally, either.
I'm actually proud of my choice not to entangle myself. I'm being honest with me, my wants and my limits, and not participating in the potential complication of another person, too.
Doesn't mean I don't wish I could be well on the other side of this, but I'm an amazing person and have a lot to offer someone that knows the measure of my personality and my capacity to love and wants to be in my life. Because they're CHOOSING me.
I'm holding out for GREAT things, whether that's BF or not.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
It's a bit of a conundrum, isn't it? At what point do we make the decision to open ourselves to someone else without feeling like WE are having an affair? I hope that becomes clear someday...
Wow, you just described my heart right now.
Good stuff.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Achy heart today. I'm sure it's the same for every single person here. Sigh.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
*peers in* Still around. Still reading. Still DBing in terms of GAL and IC and taking care of me. Still no contact with BF, apart from a "happy thanksgiving" text that morning.
Ho hum.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I keep trying to journal to get my emotions out of my head and then I go back and delete it all and start over.
On one hand, I'm wondering how someone breaks up with someone they've meshed intimately with for ten years and doesn't second-guess themselves. What kind of a person finds no positives after 10 years, and then immediately hooks up with other people as though their heart were never invested in their long-time lover? How can you not miss someone you've come home to for that long, that you've shared so much with?
On the other hand, I say that those are HIS faults and failures. He knows how I feel about him and he knows that, given the chance, I'd move mountains for him. My passion is real and sincere. That said, I know that I also deserve someone that will move mountains for me, too. Someone that will choose me. Someone that loves me and wants to put the effort into me.
We have no contact, so how am I supposed to show him I've changed? And another part of me says that if he wanted to contact me, he would be doing it. He doesn't miss me, because if he did.....well, I guess that train of thought is pointless. It's hard for me to stay positive, even though I know -- logically -- that no one knows what the future will bring, not even BF.
I'm not exactly in a bad mental place, but I guess there's a calm anger within me today, if that makes sense.
I'm a lover and a fighter, both. I wish BF had the capacity to give me even a fraction of what I give/have given/would redouble my efforts to give him.
IC says that, emotionally, I'm exactly where I should be given the situation. That I'm not insane or weak or stupid for feeling the way I do about BF. That this partner is one I was more open and vulnerable and "deep" with than any other person in my life, so it's okay to take my time getting over it, so long as I try to inch forward. It just hurts.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little, this is something Maybell posted to me today. Maybe you can find something in it too.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
I stopped notifications on my H's FB page but every now and then I check it. He's with my kids visiting his family in another state. His pictures show him grinning hugely, photobombing his sister's serious pictures, and generally acting like a college kid.
I could read into that that he's DELIGHTED to be spending Thanksgiving weekend without me, but I don't actually think that's really true. I think my kids are a constant reminder of me. Especially the boys who look a lot like me, and S6, who sleeps in my bed every night and certainly misses me. I packed their suitcases, so every day they get dressed is a reminder of me. And the way his sister treated me yesterday (kindly and excited to chat). And I know he didn't leave the room when she was talking to me because I could see his reflection in the glass behind her.
There was a poster here a few months ago named Thornton who went through six(?) weeks of complete darkness with his wife. It was excruciating for him. EVERY DAY, often 2-3 times a day, he would come here and cry about how he just wanted one little sign from her that she missed him. She posted all kinds of happy things on FB and he would cry because she looked so happy. Well, after a couple of months he finally got the green light from Wonka to send her a joke via text. Over about a month or two that one joke blossomed, very tentatively, into a reconciliation. Turns out all that cheerful stuff she was putting into the world was a huge mask. She was miserable but didn't know how to find her way back to him.
They got back together and we heard less and less from him and now I think he's just off in happy land being happy.
The lesson is: Don't try to interpret!! When they are lost they are just floundering and the messages look conflicted because THEY are conflicted. They want, they fear, they want something else. Just stay the course and be the person you want to be.
Here's one more, just because...
The difference between hope and faith. Hope is you in your boat and her in her boat, and you keep trying to hook the boats together. She keeps throwing away the rope and telling you to shove off. So you unhook, you take your own river, in faith that your rivers are both going to end up near one another when the stream comes together again.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thanks, Jefe. I appreciate your hand in friendship when I'm trying to find my way through this blizzard. You are a rock in a stormy sea and I appreciate it.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hey, Little. I didn't appreciate that you were also in the same boat re no contact. I thought you had gone dark on BF, not the other way around. I suppose the net result is the same, though. I agree - it sux. I wish I could reverse time to when we were still living together and start DB all over.
I'm not sure what we can do when we have no contact. As you say, it's challenging because our H/BF don't get to see our changes. Also, I find it hard because many of the things I need to change require contact with him. Have I learned to communicate differently? Maybe - hard to say when we're not talking.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I feel your pain.
Last edited by ganb8te; 11/30/1406:57 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Little. I was reading a few of your posts and thought I'd chime in. Hope you don't mind.
Originally Posted By: Little
...I'm wondering how someone breaks up with someone they've meshed intimately with for ten years and doesn't second-guess themselves.
Mind reading does you no good. And how do you know he isn't second guessing his choices? You really don't know and it is a waste of time and energy fretting about it.
Quote:
On the other hand, I say that those are HIS faults and failures. He knows how I feel about him and he knows that, given the chance, I'd move mountains for him. My passion is real and sincere. That said, I know that I also deserve someone that will move mountains for me, too. Someone that will choose me. Someone that loves me and wants to put the effort into me.
Exactly! Keep thinking along those lines and quit worrying about what he is thinking. What matters most at this point is you taking care of you!
Quote:
We have no contact, so how am I supposed to show him I've changed? [bold]And another part of me says that if he wanted to contact me, he would be doing it. He doesn't miss me, because if he did.....well, I guess that train of thought is pointless.[/bold] It's hard for me to stay positive, even though I know -- logically -- that no one knows what the future will bring, not even BF.
If you are dark, stay dark. if he is interested he will come around eventually. You just need to keep moving yourself forward. But you know this, right?
Quote:
I'm not exactly in a bad mental place, but I guess there's a calm anger within me today, if that makes sense.
There is nothing wrong with having these feelings. You need to process and heal from the hurt. It all takes time.
Quote:
IC says that, emotionally, I'm exactly where I should be given the situation. That I'm not insane or weak or stupid for feeling the way I do about BF. That this partner is one I was more open and vulnerable and "deep" with than any other person in my life, so it's okay to take my time getting over it, so long as I try to inch forward. It just hurts.
I know it hurts. And unfortunately it will continue to hurt for some time. But don't drown in your sorrow. Allow yourself to grieve and when the time is right, begin pulling the pieces of your life together and make a better future for yourself.
You have passion and a fighting spirit. Put those gifts to work.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hey, Little. I didn't appreciate that you were also in the same boat re no contact. I thought you had gone dark on BF, not the other way around. I suppose the net result is the same, though. I agree - it sux. I wish I could reverse time to when we were still living together and start DB all over.
I'm not sure what we can do when we have no contact. As you say, it's challenging because our H/BF don't get to see our changes.
I went semi-dark. He's receptive and friendly if I text first, but he's one of those folks that likes to remain friends with exes; I'm so not interested in that. I'd like to see if perhaps lack of me in his life will help him miss me, but who knows since he's boinking someone else.
Like LisaB said, I'm going to keep the door open a crack -- friendly if he contacts first but backing off on contacting first, myself, for a bit.
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
[Long, Well-Thought Out Post Goes Here]
You have passion and a fighting spirit. Put those gifts to work.
Thank you for your presence and input in my thread! Your words resonated with me. I appreciate that you took the time to write them.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Jefe, thanks for reposting that post from Maybell. It was really wonderful.
Little, I feel very similarly to what you expressed. I am in a darker place lately. I feel hopeless and so angry and sad and hurt. I don't get what happened and I don't get how he can just move on to all these other women like I meant nothing to him.
But when I read your words I see hope still for you. Your BF is on his path, like Maybell's post said he is probably sad, happy, hopeful, confused, missing you, hating you.
In a way those who barely hear from the ex should be happy not to get caught up in the rollercoaster that those who see their ex every day have to deal with. Have you read HP's thread? Wow. For a while he was getting quite a ride every day.
Just keep moving forward, focusing on yourself and trying to think about something other than the ex. It's easy to say and not easy to do. Eventually he will come around or not, and I'm realizing now there is not so much we can do about it. It's a long road.
Trying to look at the positives of my situation. I can, at any point, make any choice I want. For instance, I could find an apartment closer to work - I've lived 45 minutes away for the past 10 years, solely because BF didn't want to move out of the town we lived in.
I guess the choices are mine and mine alone to make. I just need to decide what the plan is and get working on it!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little, I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I'm fairly new to this site so take what I say with a grain of salt but just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through. To an extent, our situations are similar. Just wanted to chime in on what LisaB said about not hearing from your H/W. My W and I have been separated for 2months now. She texts me everyday, usually multiple times a day about nothing, just friendly talk. She usually calls me on her way to work and we talk about anything for 30-45minutes.
No I'm not bragging..but there are days like today or on Thanksgiving where I barely hear a word from her and then…the roller coaster starts. "WHY ISNT SHE TEXTING ME? WHY HASNT SHE CALLED? WHATS DIFFERENT ABOUT TODAY THEN YESTERDAY? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? CRAP IS SHE LOSING INTEREST?"
Like Lisa said, sometimes I wonder if its better to be on the other side of the fence? I wonder if all this texting/talking is actually harmful because your BF actually has a chance to miss you because he hasn't heard from you? Whereas my W and I almost talk…too much?
I think 2thepoint, has a point..haha no pun intended. If you are dark, stay dark. Your BF will come around when he wants to talk, and that's something I am slowly learning. We can't force them to do anything or explain why they do the things they do…heck they probably can't explain it themselves..they just do it because they want to. My W only recently started calling me, out of nowhere. I did what you did, and let her be the one to initiate, and no matter how difficult it was, I let her come to me, and slowly she is. Keep it up, and I hope nothing but the best for you!
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Last night I did some Pinterest searching on Buddhism's view of love. It was very helpful in calming down a soul ache that had deposited itself in my chest from missing contact with BF.
Basically, the point of view is that true love is something that's given "for free". It's not based upon action, inaction or anything else. The quote that resonated with me the most for my sitch was "My love for you is unconditional; your action is irrelevant".
Meaning, mostly, that I can still love him no matter where he is (or not) in my life. And feeling that way is not only okay, but it's a strength on my part.
There's something freeing about that, I guess. It helps me detach so much some how. I guess because I recognize that my emotions are my right, and they don't depend on BF, necessarily.
Whatever. LOL
Dealing with some pretty crappy pain in my shoulder, too. I had an injury, PT didn't help. We're talking about an MRI now, but the pain is achey and burning and constant. Thankfully the doctor is going to give me a prescription for that, so hopefully my day will get better from here.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little, I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I'm fairly new to this site so take what I say with a grain of salt but just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through. To an extent, our situations are similar. Just wanted to chime in on what LisaB said about not hearing from your H/W. My W and I have been separated for 2months now. She texts me everyday, usually multiple times a day about nothing, just friendly talk. She usually calls me on her way to work and we talk about anything for 30-45minutes.
No I'm not bragging..but there are days like today or on Thanksgiving where I barely hear a word from her and then…the roller coaster starts. "WHY ISNT SHE TEXTING ME? WHY HASNT SHE CALLED? WHATS DIFFERENT ABOUT TODAY THEN YESTERDAY? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? CRAP IS SHE LOSING INTEREST?"
Like Lisa said, sometimes I wonder if its better to be on the other side of the fence? I wonder if all this texting/talking is actually harmful because your BF actually has a chance to miss you because he hasn't heard from you? Whereas my W and I almost talk…too much?
I think 2thepoint, has a point..haha no pun intended. If you are dark, stay dark. Your BF will come around when he wants to talk, and that's something I am slowly learning. We can't force them to do anything or explain why they do the things they do…heck they probably can't explain it themselves..they just do it because they want to. My W only recently started calling me, out of nowhere. I did what you did, and let her be the one to initiate, and no matter how difficult it was, I let her come to me, and slowly she is. Keep it up, and I hope nothing but the best for you!
Thanks for your input!
We shall see what the future brings. Detached but hopeful!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Been no contact since Thursday, BF just sent a funny text with a picture/joke.
Tempted to ignore it. Also tempted to reply because OMFG I miss him. Gah.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I find funny stuff to send him all the time but never do becuase I can't decide if that's something that will earn me a spot in the "friend's zone" or not. I could just reply with "Hahahaha" and leave it at that, but would IGNORING it get me better results?
I did tell him a while ago I didn't want to be friends with him after our break up logistics were finalized, because I want to be in his life as MORE than a friend.
But will frequent, light contact draw him closer (so long as he's initiating, of course)?
So unsure of what to do!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Advice: Ignore the text. All he is doing is checking to see if you can be hooked. When you take the bait, he will drop you again. It is how the walk-away operates.
Just the other day my WAS sent me a text asking if I would bring home some milk when I drop off S16 from soccer practice. Now, I don't live at the house nor do I ask her to do my shopping. So what would be her motivation other than laziness? She is testing me to see if she can still string me along.
So how did I respond? Sorry, your "honey can you pick up some milk" card expired 3 years ago.
Was that a harsh response? Probably. But I don't care and she is a big girl.
So back again to your question, I say ignore it and let him stew on it. If he texts again, keep on ignoring it. Stay dark and continue to see how things evolve. Meanwhile, take care of you!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Here's the thing. If the WAS is ready to come back, you will know. It won't be some subtle hint dropped here and there. If the WAS truly wants to come back and is afraid you are gonna bail because you have gone and remained dark, YOU WILL KNOW!
Now there are many things that might motivate a change of heart, including seeing changes in you that make you more attractive. Or perhaps the grass is not as green as expected.
Just keep that powder dry and keep working on you and your own immediate needs.
Make sense?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I don't have advice, just my example. In my sitch, I choose to respond to these communications. They're emails, and few are "funny" stuff, but it happens. It's more on the "useful" or "relevant" spectrum. For a while, I went almost dark and my W started asking what was the problem. I also realized that part of the problem in my relationship was that I was non-responsive to my W, so a 180 for me was to be more present. I don't know if it's a good idea and frankly, no vet has weighted in on this strategy yet.
I think I gave you some advice before: your response should match the quality of the input. Don't answer "hahahahaha" if it's a "haha" kind of text. Raise the bar: show him that you're sophisticated and somewhat hard to please, that he's rewarded when at his best. Men (and women) like to be valued. And we know when we made a good or a lame joke. We respect the women who laugh at our best efforts and stay silent when we're lame.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The "more present" thing resonates. I was very absent for BF in our R. It was one of his issues. Hmmmm......
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I admit it. I went back "LOL" last night about 2 hours after the original text. We went quiet after that.
6:30am today he's twxting again. He initiated. Hmmmm.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Okay, so we've been talking via text all day. So much for me ignoring him. :P
I blew a whole ton of sunshine up his ass. About how life is nearly perfect and I'm so happy with where I've landed. About how I'm changing me for the better and doing X, Y and Z.
I know we're not supposed to point out our changes, but it was done in a way of, "I know, can you believe that now I'm....blah blah blah? And I started going to [X activity] and I'm doing [Y interest]! It's like I've done a total 180 in the last four months, I'm so totally [insert positive crap here]!"
He came back with how he's happy for/proud of me, and I'm an awesome person and I deserve the best and once I find someone that has everything I'm looking for they'll get "an amazing woman".
Whatever, jerk. That was you, and I could be YOUR amazing woman, but your head is still up your ass. :P
Then he said he felt like we held each other back, to which I told him the only one that can hold me back is me and I'm making me happy and he should do the same.
THEN....he felt the need to point out that the sex between us was amazing. And why. AGAIN. But I ignored that and glossed it over.
I dunno. OW must not be engaging him if he feels the need to go here with me. I don't know what his game is.
The rest of the convo has been mostly chatty BS, about nothing in particular.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
That was a lot of talking! It doesn't seem like you got something very positive by going off script and talking about your changes, right? How do you feel about having done that?
It sounds to me like he might want to sleep with you again and that's why he keeps mentioning sex. I bet short term affairs can't be as pleasant as what you guys had. I'll admit to wanting sex with exes (I left) in the past, but mostly because it was great, not because I wanted to get back together.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
He does not want to sleep with me again. We were having sex when we first split and he put an end to it because he felt guilty about giving me mixed messages. Also, he's talked about this before -- great sex, details about times we did it, so on and so forth. It's never gone past that.
No, if he wanted sex, he'd be asking for it; trust me. He'd either be saying, "Hey, wanna meet up" or at the very least he'd be hinting that he wants me to initiate an invite for it. He's doing neither.
In fact, I said that if we had both been different people X amount of months ago, we'd probably still be enjoying the amazing sex; then I said we'll have to mourn it like at a funeral. His response? "LOL! Probably!"
SO: I have no idea what his purpose is. I can't puzzle it out and I'm not going to bother.
As for the other, I don't feel particularly upset I shared with him the other stuff (changes, etc). He's a thinker. He'll ingest it later when he's laying in bed trying to fall asleep. It was a seed planted with calculated purpose.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I just finalized my registration to be a member of a local chapter Scrabble player's club. They meet up weekly to play competitive, ranked games. I'm so excited about this I could pee my pants.
I mentioned I was in the process to BF earlier today and he told me I'm going to obliterate the competition. He used to brag to friends about my Scrabble prowess and even would tell them to play me at Words With Friends, because there was no way they were going to win. I creamed like four of them that didn't take him at his word. ROFL!
Anyway, joining a social club to go out and do something with people of a mutual interest is a 180 and a GAL for me.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Oh, hormones (PMS)! You are such a kick to the face. I wish I knew how to quit you. Boo hoo. :P
A little weepy today but it's mostly because I keep thinking about OW. I also keep creeping on her husband's FB page; he mentioned BF by name and called him a "piece of trash" for "stealing his [husband's] family".
I need to keep my thoughts in my own sandbox and stop creeping on that man's FB page. I blocked OW's page so I wouldn't be tempted to peep, I need to do the same here.
Also, I REALLY want to show OW the texts BF was sending me yesterday -- which are so inappropriate if you're trying to establish a new relationship with someone else. But I will not, because it's not my sandbox. NOT MY SANDBOX.
STOP IT LITTLE. STOOOOOOP IIIIIT.
I also know I need to go dark and stay dark and stop responding to BF's texts. I know this. I know it. SO STOP DOING IT, LITTLE. JUST STOP.
Not feeling kind to myself today.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Don't we have two people inside of us? Reason knows what to do, but Emotion is a screamer and often gets its way. Emotion woke me up at 4:45 am to talk about what W and OM must be doing. It had to be restrained by Reason long enough for me to fall back asleep. Of course, Emotion woke us all up at 7 am to continue it soliloquy. I wish Reason could knock Emotion out cold for a few days.
But yes Little, according to DB you need to go darker than this. Telling him you've registered for this Scrabble Club (congrats! though it's a sore point for me because W asked for our Scrabble board to play with OM... she and I never played and we're both words people) has 10% of the value of him finding out later. Now he thinks he knows all you're doing, since you keep him informed anyway -- even if it's not true, you reinforce this impression. You need to be more surprising, mysterious. You need to look more like you don't do this for him. "Wait, you've been in a Scrabble Club for a month?? What else?" I got this very reaction from W when the kids told her that they see me do my workout. Even if you don't already, it looks like you need to tell him even less. Don't turn into one of these people who always do the opposite of DB and then come her to confess as if it cancelled it out.
Good luck with the hormones!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My brain knows and understands things my emotions aren't up to speed on. It [censored].
Also, a small part of me has this niggling feeling that if/when I ignore him after he initiates, he's going to equate it to "more of the same" as far as my attention to him goes. I wasn't so good with that during the later part of our R and he felt super neglected.
I'm so confused. I hate this game. I hate this situation.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
So, in thinking about it, I feel like the only way to find peace for myself is in completely forgetting BF. Like, as in, avoiding him like the plague and trying to keep my mind off him as much as humanly possible. Go dark, ignore that he exists.
I honestly don't think that he'll want to rebuild with me. I think he's done with our R and this contact -- whatever his motivation, which ain't related to missing me -- is tearing me to pieces.
Is it appropriate to explain this is what I'm doing and ask him not to contact me unless he finds himself in a place where he wants to revisit our R, or should I just completely go dark without explanation and let him stew in his own juice while I go under water and find a healing place?
Sorry about the "spam" posting. My hormones are seriously out of whack and I'm uncharacteristically antsy and anxious today.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
The rope is dropped completely. I do not want to R with BF in the future.
I sent a message to OW on facebook. I told her how we started, BF and I, and how she needed to know he has a pattern of cheating. I told her he's been sending me inappropriate texts and although I knew he was done with me for an R, it's not right, and I didn't want to see her get hurt.
She asked for some proof and then apologized. Told me they'd been banging for a long time and she cried the night he told her he was breaking up with me, because she felt guilty. Yes, he left me for her: The night he told me hebhad cheated with someone but it was long over, there was no one else and he wanted to work on himself.
I told her how I felt about him. How I was willing to work on our R and how I consider him my soulmate. I relayed some of my side of our story, I told her she could do what she wanted with the info but I didn't want to see someone else hurt like I am now. I advised her to go back to her husband and work on her M.
I don't know if they'll stay together or not. Don't care anymore.
Honestly, I feel better. Now that I know how bad I was being played. He will never want to R with me again now. I'm okay with that.
I'll stick around and try to heal, here. I'm gutted and sobbing but I feel good knowing that she's aware and will either go forward with caution or be hurt of her own choice: I told her what I was never given - the truth.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I admire your strength and your resolve to move forward for you. That is a fine example for us to follow. Hang in there!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I lied in my last post. I do want to R with BF, but I was aware what my actions would do and know that now that will not happen. I am okay with that and the bed I made with BF by doing it, if it means someone else can be saved.
I hope she tries to work on her M. I know her H; not well but we run in the same circles. He has some issues with mental illness (bi-polar?) but loves her deeply and IC and MC could save their family. They have a D7, I believe.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
[s][/s]OW responded to my message. She was very polite and understanding. We had a long talk. She was very glad I informed her of what I did. She stated more than once she felt I was a good person and she was sorry, and said if she had known how invested in BF (even though he claimed we had been nothing more than roommates for a while) I was she wouldn't have started with him.
She claims she did not leave her H for BF, that she left him in January of her own accord, and filed for D after BF left me.
The things she told me about them were shocking and ten times worse than I thought my sitch was, as far as BF's bullcrap and how long they'd been at this and what he'd told her. Apparently he moved her right in as soon as I moved out, despite his "we're screwing but not in a relationship" speech. He did a lot of lying, to both of us, it seems. She said that, while clearly he has a negative pattern of issues and she's heartbroken to be a part of it, They're "knee deep" in buying a house together and her D7 adores him, so she's going to "take it one day at a time with her eyes open" and see what occurs.
Okay. Enjoy that. You're a big girl and now you know what he's capable of.
And thus begins my attempts to heal and recuperate. I feel a million things at once right now and I'm numb, sort of. I'm assuming he won't contact me again, now that she'll be chewing him a new anus. Staying dark won't be an issue going forward. *sarcastic LOL*
Mostly I'm wondering why I still love him and why I know I'd take him back if he were ever 100% done with OW and wanted to reconcile.
C'est la vie, and la vie [censored] sometimes.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Ha, apparently I already partially explained in my last post. Sorry. Head is reeling.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Fog today. Deep fog. Half okay, half dead. Healing is on my agenda. I can do this.
Had horrible dreams last night, slept like crap. But I can do this.
Off to work.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I would not be surprised if BF contacts you and tries to confuse things. He will be super angry that you told the truth to OW, but when they start fighting or conversely when he sees she is a doormat he will suddenly want to talk to you I bet.
Be prepared.
Wow.
Good luck getting through this seriously emotional time. Take care of yourself, drink lots of water and don't operate heavy machinery. Be with loving friends who can hold your hand and make you tea. You'll be ok.
Went to IC and bawled my head off. Went back to work looking ridiculous with a puffy face and red eyes. Yuck.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Lisa: BF texted me last night after the explosion. He said, "Thank you for telling [OW], I've been feeling guilty and trying to find a way to tell her I f!@#^d up."
I ignored it, of course. OW claims he says he's not mad at me. Who cares?
Part of me is relieved that I was able to tell OW not only his history of cheating AND his inappropriate attentions toward me recently, but my side of our R history, and reveal some of the things he told her that weren't accurate and/or were bold face lies. I don't know why it should make me feel better (it doesn't change anything), but it does.
Moving on for me and only me now, with no hope for the R, although I wish it could be different.
The hopeless romantic in me hopes that at some point he'll realize what he lost in me and decide he made a mistake to be with her, but I know that's unrealistic and frankly stupid.
I have the closure and the information I was lacking before, so when it never happens, I'll be okay.
Getting through these next few weeks after the healing wounds were blown wide open again is going to be rough, but....I'll manage.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Thanks for commenting, rd500. I don't feel brave. I feel broken down, hurt, betrayed and emotionally wrecked. LOL
I will always love him. Sad but true. I also know me well enough to know that if at any point in our lives going forward he was interested in an R again, I'd make him crawl but I'd take him back.
Life is hard. Life is so, so, so hard.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Poor Little. It sounds like he has some SERIOUS issues. You are better off without him even if he is the smartest, funniest, sexiest guy in the world. He sounds like a serial cheater in a major way and it doesn't seem like he is going to change any time soon.
I would not be at all surprised if he comes crawling back to you, but he sounds like bad news. Of course you know him best so you would have to make that decision when it came to it. But he doesn't sound like he made an accidental mistake, it seems like a pattern.
Obviously he made a HUGE MISTAKE in leaving you, but maybe it is for the best for you. At least right now you need to focus on yourself, curl up in a ball and cry or whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Little, Trust me, you won't always be in love with him, you won't be pining for him ten years from now, or five years from now, and probably not even a year from now, as hard as that is to believe. He is buying a house with OW and her daughter? Good grief. You dodged the bullet of a serial cheater and liar with that one. You gave OW fair warning, now it's her problem, not yours. (Find the story about the OW's apology to Christie Brinkley years later.) Christie had warned her... Now you have the truth, and you can move forward with clarity. Yes, it will take time for the hurt to heal, but you will. You will.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm just going to focus on trying to hurt less each day than the one before it and see where I end up.
Went out with a girl pal after work for dinner and some Christmast light viewing. Oddly, one of BF's oldest friends whom I "got in the divorce". LOL. She doesn't pick sides but is one of the few honest, moral, "do the right thing" human beings left in the world. Her advice and friendship has been invaluable to me. Plus, BF is dodging her because he knows if he exposes his new life to her she'll tell it like it is and tell him that she's disappointed in how he handled things with me. He doesn't like being called on his chit.
At any rate, I'm exhausted. I cried so much at IC today that my eyes are stil bloodshot hours later. I need sleep. Night.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I lied in my last post. I do want to R with BF, but I was aware what my actions would do and know that now that will not happen. I am okay with that and the bed I made with BF by doing it, if it means someone else can be saved.
I hope she tries to work on her M. I know her H; not well but we run in the same circles. He has some issues with mental illness (bi-polar?) but loves her deeply and IC and MC could save their family. They have a D7, I believe.
Are you sure you have read DR? Go back and read it again, start with a beginners mind.
I am not a vet and these are my views. It is not your role to tell OW anything, not only is it bad for you but she is an separate person, an adult. Bf can just get another OW. There is now a child in this mess too. Stop, don't do it. there are sites which do advocate exposure of affairs but I can not find anywhere in DB that this is advocated especially 'warning OW' and 'saving'. You can not do that and that is her job for herself.
Little- your concern should be you. Whilst you are concentrating on OW you are not concentrating on you.
Think again and reread DR. Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/06/1401:55 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Is there any hope? BF is moving on with OW and says we don't work together as a couple. Not new news, but it hurts.
I feel like my entire essence is drowning in pain today. Dare I hope that against all odds and rational thought that some day we might have another chance?
Little my dear it is not over until it is over ie: one or both of you is dead. But for right now you need to just try to get back on your strong, awesome, confident feet. He has a lot of work to do changing himself. And it doesn't even sound like he recognizes that! So it would likely be a long road until you two can work on things.
So for right now, focus on yourself. if you need to be sad and cry that is fine. If you need to be alone with a bottle of wine, go ahead. If you need a hug from a friend, go find one. There is nothing you can really do for or to or with him now. Just let it go for now and see what happens.
I feel for you. I have been in this really sh!tty place before for sure. It is low and terrible. But you will be ok, and sooner than you think.
I feel like I've regressed back to the beginning of this whole mess. I've done nothing but sob all day. I slept until 3pm and then took a drive to try to clear my head and get out of the house. I ended up at a local reservoir looking over at the water -- but the weather was chit and it was raining and super cloudy and dark. I haven't eaten since yesterday and it's almost 6pm here. I just can't choke down the food.
I feel ridiculous for saying that I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than without BF -- both because on one hand I feel he's not worth that and on the other hand it makes me a weak person. But that's the truth of how I feel in this very moment.
I'm going to see if I can get in to see IC more than once a week until I return to a place where I can function like a normal human being again.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hey Little, Sorry to hear that you are in a bad place right now. I've regressed a bit the last few days too, questioning if their is any hope and yes, I pulled out DR again. It [censored] to be in this place again. Soon enough, the roller coaster will hit that bit where it gets picked up and carried to a higher place though so hang in there. I'm sure it is just around the bend.
In the meantime, I agree with Lisa, that you have to focus on YOU. Good idea to see IC a bit more frequently. I also find it hard to eat when I am feeling down and so treat myself to some take out or go get some ridiculous ingredients that I don't usually cook with just to make me a bit more motivated to eat. The other day I made scallop pasta - which I've never done in my life!
Keep posting. Let us know how you are getting on.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hugs to you, Little. Just know that you are worthy, and your worth is wholly independent of what your BF does or thinks. Search for the worth within yourself and cultivate that, shift your focus. Tomorrow will be another day, and you won't always feel this way. It's just part of the cycle. We've all been there. Take solace in the fact that you will move through it. You will.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
You are not weak! This is part of your cycle, a phase, I recollect that I went to the ocean alone, sat in a cafe and cried. We need the release in order to get ourselves back again. A cycle of negativity washes us with grief for the loss we are suffering. But it passes, it's private
There is a wonderful post by 25 in response to MCS about exposure, it's on rzrback's thread today. Please read it, it is amazing wisdom, especially if you can't face the DR book in full.
Please take care of yourself, at this stage you need all your strength for you. Please go GAL, and let us know what you decide to do, tell us about the GAL in your life.
It is hard to do but it is one way forward. Take care Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As I said over in Razrbacks thread, I had what I have coined 'reverse exposure' I told W that I was convinced by our friends that there was an OM. I can tell you, I think it set us back. My W tried avoiding everyone anyway at first, but she has further distanced herself from her true friends because I think she feels ashamed and embarrassed.
Also, it's normal to have days like this. It's tough to go through because it's exhausting and draining, but remember we are all here for you.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I am not a drinker by any means. I could count on one hand the number of times I've been drunk in my life. The first drink I ever had I was 25 years old, for goodness sake. After a long Saturday in which I was sobbing, I went to a bar with friends and ended up very drunk. It certainly helped m get my mind off things for a while. BUT:
I threw up in public. In fact, the world is still spinning. I'm sure that come Sunday and sobriety I'm going to be reaaaaallllly embarrassed by my actions.
But for now, I feel nothing and it's a kind of release.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Take care of yourself Little, I've been there too. I'm sure your friends understand and who cares what random strangers think. Don't fret about it.
It's a rollercoaster of emotions we are on. You will feel better and you will feel worse. You will feel sad and you will feel relieved. You will move on and forget this pain, it will be a distant memory no matter what happens.
The one thing you should not do is continue any contact with OW or BF right now. Make sure to keep your phone away from you and delete his info. You can keep the phone number somewhere safe but I recommend deleting it from your phone. That one extra step really helps prevent you from reaching out.The other thing I did was change my WAH's name in my phone to "F-ing A$$hole" that way when he texted me the first thing I saw was how he has been acting. It kept me from wanting to reply to his friendly messages.
I know it is hard to eat, but you will feel better if you can get some calories in. Try something like ice cream or chocolate. Often when I am feeling really bad the only thing I can eat is something like a few pieces of dark chocolate. Weird but at least it has calories. Or sometimes I can only get a cola down. Usually food like this is "bad" but when you are emotional and nauseated I feel like whatever sugar you can get in there is better than nothing.
You know to stay away from the drinking when you aren't eating and feel so sad. I don't need to remind you. Please drink lots of water today, and if you can maybe some juice or soda will help with a hangover...
Big hugs to you Little, keep checking in and updating us.
BF has been in my phone as "lying cheating a$$hole" for a while. LOL! But yes, I should probably delete it. He wants no contact now, as I'm sure OW has instituted a strict "no Little" contact policy. We'll see.
Thankfully I don't get hungover, but I did twist my ankle as we were walking out of the club last night (I guess I was more stumbling than walking....eesh) and I'm having a hard time walking on it now. I've got it elevated and there's some ice on it. If nothing else, I have some as needed pain meds for my shoulder that should get me through work tomorrow.
Still don't know where my purse is, though I know my friend grabbed it for me when she was driving me home but no idea where she put it in the house....hmmmmmm....
I have no regrets. Last night certainly won't be repeated, but it was very fun before it got stupid, and I didn't think about BF for a whole evening. Onward and upward.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I need to figure out how to stop focusing my thoughts on what they're doing. Mostly my mind wanders to wonder what they're doing together as a family, since it's Sunday. It makes my heart hurt and my stomach drop.
I know one of the keys to not worrying about it is to GAL, but not even that helps. I still dwell and obsess.
This is such a tough road to be on.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
If it helps, I usuallly think they're doing fairly boring stuff. Buying a house especially is not really exciting as it seems. Even pushing kids in swings can be boring if not your own.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Didn't go to work today because my ankle is still swollen and hard to put weight on. Instead, I spent all day in bed sleeping like a depressed a$$hole.
Since I don't feel comfortable praying for a miracle for myself -- which is ultimately selfish -- instead I prayed for OW's marriage and their vows before God. I'm not even religious.
This is the last day I do this. Period. I need to start accepting reality and bucking up. Moving on. GAL. Forget the one OW is currently playing the part of ME in.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little, you are so awesome! You have a drinking injury! And now a funny story to tell a few months or years from now... "I was so upset over my a$$hole BF, I went out and got wasted and then sprained my ankle and couldn't walk for days! hahaha!"
Don't pressure yourself too much. If you want to wallow in misery, go ahead! Soon enough you will feel better.
I know what you mean about imagining what they are doing together. If it is any consolation, I'm sure they were fighting. And if not then I bet both were feeling pretty unsettled. You threw a big bomb up in there. Even if they are acting like all is ok, it's not.
Don't worry my Little friend, better days are ahead for us!
Journaling: Dealing with being given up on, today. I feel like I gave and gave and gave to a man that just wants to cop-out by telling me that "we don't work together" and so that justified his choices to cheat and leave.
I sacrificed a lot for that man and did it willingly out of love. I know that in some aspects he felt guilty that I gave as much as I did, like he was holding me back, but I always told him that he can't make my choices for me. Besides, I feel that's what true love is all about: putting your loved one before you out of love. I did what I did because I'd rather have HIM.
If he and I don't work together it's because he made a choice not to work with me, on us. It's not that we're fundamentally incompatible, even if we're two WILDLY different people (we're not). It's that love is a choice you make daily and you have to keep making, even when the chips are down and things get hard.
I don't know where people got the idea that loving means no work, no effort, no hardship. That it's all smooth sailing and if it's not then it's too broken to fix and you should walk away from it.
Despite everything he and I have done to each other (IE: both our contributions to where we are right now), I still love BF. I would still choose to be with him if he ever wanted to come back. He doesn't, and he won't. Facts.
But I'm trying so hard to get over that a man I loved that deeply and that intensely just gave up on me.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
"Since I don't feel comfortable praying for a miracle for myself -- which is ultimately selfish -- instead I prayed for OW's marriage and their vows before God. I'm not even religious."
I'm proud of you on this one.
I'm with you. If I could just get my damn head our of my freaking wife, I'd be doing a ton better. I pray for you and several other here often. I wish I had inspiring words or something cute to say, but I'm just empty at the moment. So (((little))) is about all I have.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Remember he has to justify his choices to himself, to convince himself he has no choice otherwise he has to own the hurt he is causing you. only a sociopath would have no problem with that and assuming he isnt he needs to protect himself.
There will have been a lot going on in his head all the way through all of this. In my case i felt guilty about a load of things that even when my W told me not to - I still did and would do anything to avoid that feeling, including some properly irrational nonsense. I couldnt forgive myself, I didnt (don't?) believe i was worthy of it.
What it meant was that rather than tackling the work I needed to do (because i didnt know how or want to admit the weakness) I instead concentrated on the work my W needed to do (without talking to her about it in a positive way) and I suspect she did the same. This just led to distance and resentment
He might know full well that love takes work but he might be afraid of that work or not feel he is up to it or scared that he can do all the work and its still wont be what he wants.
What i'm trying to say is that we can come up with hundreds of reasons and explanations for why BF made the choices he has and some of them are polar opposites - but we will never know, I doubt he will fully unless he does some serious introspection with a IC.
As long as we are looking at all of this we are distracting ourselves from the only thing that we can really do and that is working positively on the the happy, exciting, fulfilling, interesting and attractive person you are (and you are!!). Thats where there is always more work to be done and thats where the work does the most good.
Be the best little you can be and be enough for yourself. As long as you dont give up on you, nothing else matters.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
You are so right on all of that. Absolutely. Thanks for the input, the perspective helps.
Soldiering on today. The roads are REALLY icy and horrible; it's rainy and cold enough to make a lot of hazardous road conditions, but not snow. Fingers crossed it doesn't end up doing so.
Been thinking about Mr. Bond's --the living legend-- sitch, how I've heard his wife wouldn't talk to him for 3 years but with his patience, they ended up piecing. In that manner, I need to remind myself over and over that I don't know squat; I make a lot of assumptions about where H is and what's going to happen, but the future can play out in ways that NONE of us ever thought of. In that, there has to be some small shred of hopefulness.
Move forward for me for now, and let whatever happens happen.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
How do you guys keep stray thoughts from killing your PMA? I can be all sorts of "okay" during the day but at some point some stray thought comes through my head that BF has made this choice and as far as he's concerned OW is the answer to all his problems. Maybe I do or don't have a chance in the future, but it's over. Really over.
My heart sinks and I start to get that panic feeling in my gut.
A simple answer is GAL that keep your mind off of it, but what about when I'm at work and things aren't busy or when I'm sitting in traffic waiting for the light to turn green?
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
To answer your question, being busy doesn't help me all that much. Like you, the thoughts seep into the tiniest openings. What helps is to have a rationale that gives peace in the moment.
1. Patience. The future is unknown. It's a marathon. Just survive today. 2. This R with OM makes no sense and I'm a great H, she'll be back! 3. Either way, it gets better over time. 4. She f-ed up. Our R is broken. I don't even want her back. Good luck, OM! 5. There's passion in my future, with W or another woman! 6. Being happy and active is my best way to attract W or someone else. Do it or fail.
Keep in mind that this is all just devices to help our patience. Much of the sitch is not under our control. Time needs to work its magic, whether it's our acceptance or their return. The uncertainty is beyond uncomfortable, but it's what we have to accept.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you so much, Mozza. That post was literally a rope thrown to pull me out of quicksand.
I will remind myself when these thoughts come through that I must ONLY get through today (or the next five minutes...or minute...whatever...) and the future is never certain.
I could kiss you!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm afraid I'll never talk to BF again. I'm afraid that there will be no chance for us in the future -- that he's always going to think of us as "done" and that I'm going to have to live without him for the rest of my life.
And that's not an unrealistic fear. Not all relationships can be saved and I cannot control what he does, says, or wants. I cannot control his life going forward, only myself and my own life.
How do I let go of this paralyzing fear that I may never have the chance at happiness with a man I so deeply and honestly love?
PMA was up all day long, but then it came down again. Yuck.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I know a very similar fear and struggle to deal with it myself
pay attention to this bit that you wrote
Originally Posted By: Little
happiness with a man I so deeply and honestly love?
In your sentence you said 'a man' - when you said that did you mean BF or did you mean what it says 'a man'. the second one is better as it you are not investing all your happiness in one particular person.
what do you want from life? make a list and then consider what parts of it could ONLY be fulfilled with your BF - im hoping the answer is none. on mine the things that can only be fulfilled by my W are 'to only marry once and have a loving and successful life together' and 'to raise my kids with their mother'
one of the things i read in book was to think about all the parts of your life as compartments and then see how well they are going independtly. if the only compartment you have is your R then the loss or hurt in this hurts the whole you but if the other parts are all good then the R difficulties matter less.
I can move on without BF. I can have a happy life without him, in terms of goals and whatnot. I don't need him for those things. I love me, who I am, and what I stand for.
He is my other half. Not to say that I'm not a whole person, but his soul and mine are parts of the same whole. We understand each other so completely without trying. We speak without words. We can, proven on more than one occasion, read each other's minds some how.
I'm having a hard time reconciling that someone I have such an intense bond with has chosen the path he has chosen.
I know all the rhymes and reasons of logic about what he's done vs what I deserve vs DBing technique vs detaching and letting go and all that. I know and understand and accept it.
The odds we reconcile this R are probably zero. I know this.
My emotions are trying to catch up and having a hard time coping.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I've read before on these board, from a vet, that all this talk about "the love of my life" is not really helpful in detaching, so I've stopped all of it. Even not saying IRL has helped. You're likely to reinforce this perception, which is the opposite of what needs to happen. Whether your sitch goes one way or the other, you need to feel like you don't need him. Try for a few days not to think of how much you're made for each other and see the impact on your PMA.
If the bond is as strong as you describe it, then you have that going for you. Something he can think about when OM gets complicated or boring. Put it in the asset column and move on.
Remember: all you're trying to do right now is to spend time. Think of your BF as a baseball that's flying in the air towards the left field. If you run towards to ball to be underneath, you won't catch it. You need to wait for the ball to come back down and be positioned where it will fall. A good fielder will patiently wait without moving much that he ball fall in her glove.
Patience. Nothing is going to happen today. You just need to get through the day, so make it as good and easy as possible.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks, Mozza. I'm going to try. I went to the chapel at work today (I'm in a hospital) and cried for a bit. It was release, at least I don't feel that ball of emotion in my gut anymore.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a......
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Maybe I should run down all the reasons that I can't be with BF unless he does some serious personal changing:
- He cheated on me not once, but twice - He left me to move in with another woman - He lied about all of it, including that there was no one else, that he was sleeping with someone but not in an R with her, that he wasn't moving her into our apartment when I left, so on and so forth.
Add to that that he only sees negative in all of the years he and I R'd and while he seems to think I'm an "amazing person" he's adamant that he and I together "just don't work".
Maybe not being angry at him is just stupid and I should start from there in my attempts to move forward "with or without" him, because from his perspective it's certainly going to be "without".
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
When I told my shrink that I was concerned about my WAW, he told me "Why aren't you angry?" It opened the floodgates for a couple of days at the time and I've tapped into that sentiment every now and then to feel better. It's not a dominant feeling, but something that can take away the pain for a time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
