YES!!! we have an appointment with a certified sex therapist!!! it's not until Jan, but we have it!!! I belive she is AASECT certified, I know she's certified and works under an AASECT therapist who wrote a book on low libido in women. Guess what i'm gonna read next!
I was reading some of the blogs this particular arthor has written and OMG can I relate....especially to the childhood crap that comes up now in my 40's while I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever had! go figure. i feel safe enough to not feel safe??? weird. Just reading some of the blogs was making me emotional in the pit of my stomach...smack dab in the middle of my 3rd chakra! geez louise do i have issues to overcome!!
...we do have a number for a sex therapist...looks like i may be the one who has to make the initial call and appointment.
...I'm really frustrated with his ED and so is he, but i feel that he is still in the blaming stage...seems it's my fault when it doesn't work. I know it isn't, but in the moment, that really hurts, angers and frustrates me.
The nice thing about a board certified sex therapist is that not only are they suppose to be a concelor, but they have extra training in providing advice to people with sexual problems. It really helped in my marriage.
Since the sex therapist is also suppose to have other marriage conselor training, I would suggest asking if they have had either Emotionally Focused Therapy training (aka Sue Johnson) or Gottman training (two different approaches). I live out near Seattle and the Gottmans are considered the go to folks for therapists whose marriages are on the rocks. Sue Johnson also has a big following. They both do training for therapists and have better than typical success rates.
Oh, and you might want to ask your H if he would be more comfortable with a male or femail sex therapist. It really can make a difference to some.
Another question you might want to go over with your sex therapist is if they have any experience with sex and aging as that could also be a help. If you don't like any of their answers, you can always ask them for a recommendation of a couple of other folks they know who have some of the credentials or things you are looking for. Also in choosing ours, I asked if they had any publications I could read and the PHd therapist gave me some references to both general magazine and scholarly research articles she wrote.
You are right to recognize that his ED is not your responsibity. Unfortunately for most men, it is too hard (pun intended) for them to accept that ED is something they must deal with and accept as a change in themselves. For most guys, a pretty girl and a slight breeze are all it takes most of their life to be ready for action. When it doesn't do what it is suppose to, many guys go into full blown greaving (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).
Even though it is not your fault, you can be part of the solution by helping his ego and making him feel manly and loved.....and making whatever happens enjoyable for both.
Again, the sex therapist my W and I had suggested that sex should be playful exploration with laughing at those things that don't go just right. She told us that some folks self medicate with alcohol so they can be playful, but it is best not to. Your non-sex relationship sounds like great playing and sharing of time and intimacy. Your willingness to embrace toys is beyond what my wife could do, so you should feel really good about yourself and your willingness to make this work. That non-sex relationship activities should really help the two of you in dealing with the rest.
Good luck again, and I hope you enjoy the holiday season.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I am new here, but not new to a SSM. Reading this all has made me wonder:
WHAT IS THE LONGEST TIME ANY OF YOU WERE IN A SSM? I think there must be a time when the damage has been done for so long that as someone up further has said, a reconditioning has occurred, and the originally rejected spouse becomes the rejecting spouse, and never looks back. Any thoughts?
I think what you are describing is a natural defense mechanism. Sexuality is one of the strongest human emotions and touch is one of the strongest human needs. To be in a relationship with someone who has provided both and later denies both is deeply troubling, deeply painful, and raises all kinds of self doubt.
At the 40+ years of marriage mark I found myself in a sexless marriage. The change had been gradual, sort of like the story of boiling a frog. Didn't notice the changes over the years. In fact, we did a visious cycle dance. My wife withdrew from me emotionally, wouldn't offer any praise or social reinforcement, I looked to work for success and praise, which caused her to feel even more abandoned. I thought I was being the good provider, she felt alone. We both drove our marriage into the ground. It got to the point that I said to myself it had to change or I was going to divorc her. I decided to try my hardest to save my marriage and ultimately my wife decided she preferred marriage to divorce, but it was close.
From my personal experience, I really wondered if my wife found my body repulsive. During therapy she said that wasn't the case, it was her and not me. I now believe what she said. I also got so angry at times. I can understand why spouses in such situations cheat as a way of revenge, self-image protection, and to possibly sabatog the marriage. Luckily for me I read MWD's SSM book and in small print in the back found a reference to this website and logged onto it. That allowed me to focus my mind on saving my marriage. The people here helped me with their experiences and pointed me in the direction of some great authors.
Good luck to you T-Mom
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thank you for that. Hope is very powerful and although I do waiver, I also am an optimist. I can take plenty of fault in my marriage, and have all the right excuses for how it happened, but - That being said, I have neglected my H for so long that he has definitely protected himself by making sure he sees me as a family member...who he does love, but... you guessed it... is not in love with. I have tried to understand what he needs and offer that to him, but I don't get any positive responses when I initiate ANYTHING. I only get rejected... just like all the years of unintentional rejection he received from me. (I was sexually abused as a kid... yadayadayada) I am a bit insecure about my body, and I totally relate to your thought about your wife thinking your body was repulsive, but I honestly think I am prettier than he thinks I am.... funny, because it used to be the opposite! He has told me that he thinks he convinced himself that he didn't really find me attractive. He thinks that he is bad because he wants to have sex with other women, and that I deserve more than he can give me.
Sorry for the ramble, but I don't get this out much! LOL.
...Hope is very powerful and although I do waiver, I also am an optimist.
...I have tried to understand what he needs and offer that to him, but I don't get any positive responses when I initiate ANYTHING. I only get rejected... just like all the years of unintentional rejection he received from me. (I was sexually abused as a kid... yadayadayada)
...He thinks that he is bad because he wants to have sex with other women, and that I deserve more than he can give me.
Sorry for the ramble, but I don't get this out much! LOL.
Have a great day!
Don't be sorry. Why don't you start your own thread. I have found that posting is great therapy as it provides a cathartic release to what is eating at you emotionally. It may work for you. That way we don't hi-jack someone elses thread. Because the Newcomer section gets more traffic, you might want to post there and them put a link to it in this thread.
With that said, yes, hope is about all we have. I don't know if you are familiar with "affirmations" and self hypnosis, but you might google it and buy a CD to put on an MP3 player to listen to either when you exercise or when you get down.
As to understanding a spouses needs, being rejected and not wanting to put yourself out there again for rejection, that is hard. I have been there. What I can tell you from my experience is that unconditional love is very powerful stuff. Unconditional love doesn't require your spouse to reciprocate affection. Recieving unconditional love, in the right circumstances can heal deep pain and build an appreciation for a relationship that you have that may spark back into love.
For men, there is something Glover calls being a Nice Guy (NG). A NG is a man who builds his life around pleasing a woman, but only from his point of view. In reality it is a relationship where he is making in "his mind" covert contracts with the lady of his affections. He is telling himself if I do X for her, then she will do what I need. It is a sure way to have your heart broken as it usually won't work and when it doesn't work the Nice Guy just doubles down on his bet and does twice as much X that still won't get him what he had hoped for. In many ways, stopping all conditional contracts and just giving unconditional love and learning how that feels to give, can stop all the problems associated with being a NG.
As to his having sex with other women and his wanting you to have more than he can give, that could be very sweet or very ugly. If he honestly beleives you don't want to have sex with him or that you can't be satisfied by him, then he may feel that way as a projection of his desire for you both to be happy. It also raises red flags that you need to work really hard (if you believe it) that he has and can satisfy you and that you really convince him that you want to please him and make him become happy.
What our sex therapist did was to ask us what we visualized as a happy marriage and what role did sex play in a happy marriage. Our sex therapist then told us that sex should be fun, playful and not be taken too seriously. In an SSM, each sex act is a starving meal for one of the partners and is taken deadly seriously. It was hard to make that transition and not put too much emphasis on any particular night where something didn't go well or one of us accidently said something that hurt the other emotionally (old habits die hard.)
You might want to take advantage of the holidays and do a few things (180's in the words of MWD) to get things moving. You might get the MWD SSM book read it and give him his own copy for Christmas and tell him that the book apealed to you and you want to prove to him how much your really love him, but you know it will not be easy, that it will hurt both of you at times, but that you think it would be worth the effort as you love him and you desperately want to make him happy (assuming you do).
Alternately, if you really want to shake things up, give him some love coupons that he can use whenever he wants. Things like regular massage/backrubs, a massage with a happy ending, a night of sex where you will do a specifc sex act he use to like (but you weren't too keen on but can handle), a night where you will wear any outfit in bed that he wants you to wear (or nothing at all). Some coupons that make him wonder if you are still the same woman he had writen off as a sex partner, that is assuming you can actually handle what you put on the card.
Again, good luck. Start your own thread and get on with living the good life. You don't need to stay stuck in an emotional hole you don't like. It's not like you are the only person who has ever been in an SSM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
WHAT IS THE LONGEST TIME ANY OF YOU WERE IN A SSM? I think there must be a time when the damage has been done for so long that as someone up further has said, a reconditioning has occurred, and the originally rejected spouse becomes the rejecting spouse, and never looks back. Any thoughts?
Almost 20 years. But that's not the complete answer. It can take many paths to resolution. If the couple has an otherwise positive relationship the HD spouse eventually realizes that the LD spouse is that way for reasons other than lack of love. And so an open marriage is one solution if they still want to stay together for many other reasons. Often it's a don't-ask-don't-tell arrangement, as Dan Savage has often described it. It's something that works well for some people. The fact that some people don't see how it could work for them, and therefore couldn't for others, is irrelevant. Marriage doesn't work for some people, while it works well for others.
So it may be an SSM, but only in the sense of sex within the marriage. Otherwise, both partners are sexually happy in their own ways.
Thank you for your input, SSMGUY.... we have tried that, but it's not my cup of tea.... I still need the physical connection with him, and that doesn't give me it.
I'm finding that i'm holding on to the little things, making it a big thing, and that is why i'm not interested in being sexual.
I get that he uses sex to feel emotionally bonded, and i would like to feel emotionally bonded before i'm interested in sex.
communication is the biggest thing with us at the moment. we need to learn better ways to communicate. I've asked him several times if we can do a communication exercise...he always agrees to do it, but when it comes time to, he has reasons for not following through. On the other hand, if there is an exercise or game that would get me more in the moood for sex, he's all about trying it. THAT is frustrating.
Young at Heart said: "For men, there is something Glover calls being a Nice Guy (NG). A NG is a man who builds his life around pleasing a woman, but only from his point of view. In reality it is a relationship where he is making in "his mind" covert contracts with the lady of his affections. He is telling himself if I do X for her, then she will do what I need. It is a sure way to have your heart broken as it usually won't work and when it doesn't work the Nice Guy just doubles down on his bet and does twice as much X that still won't get him what he had hoped for. In many ways, stopping all conditional contracts and just giving unconditional love and learning how that feels to give, can stop all the problems associated with being a NG."
OHMYGODS...I married a nice guy!!! this is exactly what he does...he believes if he does X I will do Y...and when I don't..he gets bummed, distant, and b!tchy. I've tried telling him that X doesn't work for me, but, as you mention, old habits die hard. I will buy him the book No More Mr Nice Guy for Yule!
