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Hey ss, I get it, too. I was so grateful we homeschooled cause I would have had a phone call from the principal every day. S21 showed signs of something early on (ingancy) we just didn't know what. As the years went by, it became easier and easier to see what it was. By 12 we knew he had OCD and then later OCPD along with it and probably a bit of a few other things.

His intellect is a force to be reckoned with.

Anxiety sometimes manifest in rages.

What do you want to do at this point? You're in a town with lots of resources and that can be overwhelming. I'm sure you've done your own research, what do you think it is?

We're with you!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Maybell,

She was in a Montessori program for preschool through kinder but got kicked out. Yep. They didn't want to out up with her inability to conform and be a quiet learner. The academics were challenging but her behavior was off the charts.

Now she's in private school with only 13 kids in her class and still struggles. The academics are NOT challenging and while she still does well her behavior is still a problem.

Labug,

I would not be a good candidate for homeschooling. She and I are so similar is so many ways and too much time together makes us butt heads. Plus, if I'm divorced, I have to work. See where I'm going here??

She has anxiety, too. That's part of it all. She's on meds for it. Anxiety, inability to self soothe (which means tantrums last for hours), incredibly easily frustrated (mostly be her own lack of perfection). I've gotten her to a point where she is MUCH more forgiving and patient with herself. For that I'm just so grateful because her self esteem has been so low she would talk about wanting to die.

What do I want to do? I want to do what it takes to get answers and I feel like testing doesn't even really do that. It's frustrating. Teachers don't understand fully when I say, "she can't control her impulses". They often think that means "she won't control her impulses so you have to be a tyrant and punish her all the time so she'll learn to control her impulses". No. That just isn't how it works.

Yes, my location allows me many resources but it's hard to figure out the best direction. We've tried so many already with no real results.

My instinct tells me (brace yourself) it's high-giftedness, with moderate ODD, severe ADHD and maybe mild Asperger's.

And if I'm correct, wtf do I do for her to make school a challenge but her behavior more appropriate?

The frustration is overwhelming.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss, the behaviors you're describing sound a LOT like the daughter of a friend of mine in Marin County. She wrote an article for Brain, Child and she uses the pseudonym Sadie for her daughter. I'm quite certain that if you reached out to her she would be thrilled to help you sort out how to talk to the teachers to get a more effective classroom experience for your D, as well as any friendship issues she might be having, etc. She writes to help parents advocate for kids who have unusual struggles.

Hope that helps.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Oh, and if you didn't guess... Maybell is not my real name so if you mention it to her she won't recognize it. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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It's not?!?

Man, disappointed at every turn.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Maybell,

Thank you! I read the article and cried. Sadie's behaviors are not quite like D's but as everything seems to overlap when it comes to mental health issues, there are similarities.

I am definitely reaching out to the author. I'd love to reference how I know you but since Maybell isn't your real name (figured, Ss isn't mine either. Shocked?) I don't really want to say, "so I met this lady on a divorce support forum... do you know her?" LOL

Anyway, off to compose that email

Thank you, thank you, thank you!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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If you tell her I was in her writing group before I moved she'll know who I am. smile

I'm glad that was helpful. Feeling helpless when your child struggles is the worst.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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roger, Maybell. Thank you!!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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ss, I wasn't suggesting you homeschool. Choosing to homeschool or not is like deciding to have children...or not. Ain't nobody's bidness.

smile

Just relating my personal experience.

BTW LOVE Brain, Child


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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Ok, clearly I need assistance with gently but solidly laying down boundaries.

I texted H this morning as I do every Sunday when he H's D saying she needs to do her piano homework and practice and how is that going to happen.

Why must I be the sole person responsible for this stuff? I got a call from the school last week because D didn't do her homework. She was with him the night before. I talked to him about it. His response: "I can't even figure out what she's supposed to do when I look in her folder."

Really? REALLY? You can't figure it out? Ask D? Probe? Draw conclusions?

He starts off everything with an argument with her and then wonders why she's so rude to him and sassy. Then he gives up because "it's just not worth the argument with D". Her doing her homework isn't worth the argument?

My suggestion this morning, as it is every Sunday morning, was for him to come get her piano book and practice in his studio at his apartment.. He suggested they'd just come over to my place and practice on the big piano. I said nothing. He comes over, sits on the couch, looks through magazines, I get D something to drink, get the piano book and pencils and then go about my business.

I'm in the middle of vacuuming and doing laundry when he comes to me and says, "I can't figure out what she's supposed to do". I say, "It's all written on the homework sheet the teacher sends home. I think you can figure it out" he addresses my tone. I tell him, "there was no tone. I believe in you to figure it out. I'm 99% involved in every single little thing! I know you can handle this"

Five minutes later he says, "I'm getting the vibe you don't want us here so we'll be out of your hair". I say, " there's no vibe. I'm going about my Sunday business as if you're not here. I'm vacuuming, editing photos and doing laundry. I'm emitting no vibe of disdain or resentment. I simply don't want to be responsible for her piano homework on your weekend while you sit on the couch reading a magazine." He said nothing.

After 30 minutes he said, "from what I can figure out, you've already done the homework, D". I say from the laundry room, " no she needs to finish it, she didn't complete it yet". He says, " well if you knew that why didn't you just tell me that?"

I say," because it's written clear as day on the homework sheet, 'please FINISH page 18'. I thought that was pretty easy to understand."

He said, "oh, I didn't see that"

Really? It's freaking HIGHLIGHTED in yellow at the top of the page. This is so indicative of his "help" pre BD. In order to get his assistance or for him to take responsibility for anything, I have to walk him through it, hold his hand and help him help me. Then he gets upset at my tone. And yes, I'm aware that I was slightly condescending. I don't like that but I'll say that the degree of my condescension was better and I didn't just let him off the hook like I used to.

I need to work on all this but I also think I'm still a crutch. He told me during the week that he doesn't have any pants for D. What do I do? Pack some up for him. I should have said, there's a great sale at Old Navy and we get a discount there. Instead, I did it for him.

We're only separated in living arrangements. I'm still taking care of him, picking up his messes and making things easy for him. I pay all the bills, buy all holiday presents, maintain the entire house,

I need a nice way to draw a boundary without him "addressing my tone" or seeing me as the b!tch. Is that even possible?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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