Navigating in Separation Limbo

[Old Dog]

Hi Ikymk99

Just a quick one. Sorry I haven't read your thread just yet, but to try and stop the panicky feeling, take short in breaths and long out breaths.

Do you know about mindfulness? Check that out. When you're feeling panicky and your mind is racing, really concentrate on those breaths. Your brain can't think of two things at once.

Old Dog xx

[Wet]

Hi Ikymk99,

I'm checking in. How are you doing?

[Ikymk99]

Wet: Thank you very much for your concern. It means a great deal to me. Things are kind of stable. I still have limited contact w/ W. We talk every evening on the phone. These conversions are typically the same: "Hi, how are you? How was your day?" etc. Couple nights ago I could tell by her voice she was having a difficult day. She said the reason was her grandfather being hospitalized. Which, of course, is understandable. Then, last evening, she stated that she was still having a hard time. When I asked what was bothering her she just replied, "It is what it is." I know she's hurting, confused, and missing us. But she is the type of person once she makes a plan or makes a decision, she'll see it through and RARELY reverse her plan of action. I try not to express my desperation or hurt feelings. But it is hard to conceal when she knows how to read me more than anyone else (myself included). She believes all of this is "for the best" and "it's unfair to me to keep me in on the limbo roller coaster".
I, of course, disagree, but try not to tell her different. It's so hard to hear her end each contact with the words "I love you." (the night she was having a bad day she said "I love you VERY much.". Such a mind/heart-f***k!
I am trying to detach. Especially when she still says that she "loves" me. One of the hardest things I've ever tried. She's my best friend, my soul mate. It's hard to accept that's she's leaving.
Thank you, Wet, for checking in on me. I don't have many friends (my fault, I know, but I'm a "loner type") to lean on. It means a great deal to me to know someone out there understands and is concerned for me.

Old Dog: Yes, I have read and listened to a vast amount about mindfullness and meditation since we started having issues. It has helped, but staying consistent with the practice is my flaw. I need to set aside more time to do it and keep on it. Thank you for the suggestion.

Peace and may our sitches make us better people.

Ikym99

[rd500]

Hi. Sorry to read your sitch and just chiming in with a small bit of advice re getting panicky. Try to concentrate on your surroundings with sight, sound and feel for ten minutes each. I go out to the garden and just lspend the time BEING not thinking. If it works you can extend the time Again sorry to read your sitch. Take care. Rd

[Wet]

Hi Ikymk99,

Is your W close to her grandfather?

It is interesting that your W continues to tell you that she loves you. Why do you think she is re-assuring you with this statement of her feelings?

I think I understand how you are feeling - hopeless, out of control, and sad, am I close to getting it? Do you have any plans for the weekend that will get your focus back on "YOU"? Take care of yourself, do something you enjoy. Please keep checking back in.

[Ikymk99]

Wet, thanks again for the concern. It really does mean a lot to me. Like I said, I don't have many friends or relatives that truly understand what I'm going tthrough. They listen and care, are supportive, but I feel they just feel sorry for me.
She is extremely close to her grandparents. They helped raise her (her mother was young and divorced) and her older sister.
I talked to my MIL yesterday. I love her very much. My own mother was/ is a difficult person to engage with, too self absorbed. My mil has dealt with many similar circumstances with my W's father. MIL knows W as do do. She's e's just as shocked by W's behaviors.
I was/ am in a bad place this whole time.
Some days I feel I can make it. But they are few and far between. I miss my family in its whole state terribly.
She keeps saying she still wants to be friends and have family days, but it's not a family anymore IMO. I'm tempted to cut all contact with W. It hurts too much when I see her. She wants her cake, but I feel, if she's giving up on M, she can't have everything her way.

Thanks again.

Peace

[Wet]

Hi Ikymk99,

A couple of points. What have you changed about yourself since you joined the board in September?

Your W asked you to get out more, and essentially GAL, just like DR preaches. How are you doing with this?

It seems like many of us here, you are consumed with your W and your sitch. The ONLY way to deal with this is to detach more. Perhaps going a bit darker is something to try. One suggestion, your W wants to separate and be on her own, right? Give her a taste of what this looks like - for example, have your s12 answer the nightly phone calls from your W, rather than you. If you stop talking to her on the phone, it should also help with the detaching.

Hang in there, as you know if you DB it will take time. And work on yourself during this time.

[Ikymk99]

"What have you changed about yourself since you joined the board in September?"

Well, honestly, not much. I really have no excuse.
A ton of research and self-reflection. Dabbled in the night life a little, but that's not my cup of tea. Try to meditate, but keeping consistent at it is not my strong suit. Trying to learn guitar. And have been sending out resumes to better my financial sitch.
I've been having a real hard time dealing with all this. I try not to let it show, especially in front of my S's. Paralysis from overwhelming emotions are my enemy. Detachment has been really the hardest. She was/is my "other half" and the anxiety and pain from losing that other half of my life is crippling. Having two awesome children together doesn't help either.

I know I dwell on my sitch and W WAAAAYY too much. But it's my life. What I have worked for for so long. What I cherish the most above all else, my family. Nothing is more important to me. And having it crumble before me makes me angry, ashamed, depressed, and lost.

I think "going dark" is my only option at this time. If not for the hope of it maybe salvaging my M, but for my own mental and emotional well being more importantly. It's just going to be difficult with children and us calling each evening. My fear is she'll mistake my "going dark" behavior as bitterness and/or hate for her and she'll actually go through with filing for D. She's a very determined and grudge-holding person and will cut ties officially I'm afraid.

Patience and prayer. That's all I can do.

Thank you, Wet, your ear and advice are not taken for granted.

[MrBond]

"Well, honestly, not much. I really have no excuse. "

"I know I dwell on my sitch and W WAAAAYY too much. But it's my life."

That's why nothing has changed in your sitch. If you don't get yourself strong, you can't make your relationship strong.

[Ikymk99]

MrBond,

You're so right. I do need to get myself strong. Quit having this victim mentality. I'm only spinning my wheels with all this "woe is me" self talk and it's accomplishing nothing but more heartache. Plus, it's very unattractive, I know.

Thank you all for your honesty and concern. This board has kept my head above water more than you know with all the fellow DB'ers dropping knowledge and understanding.