Detached, but not defeated

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Needing some quick advice-- Just got a call from MIL. H. is staying with her. I didn't answer the phone. I haven't talked to her since H. left and I was worried I might start crying and I'm trying (I really am) to stay strong, though I'm a little bit of a mess right now. She was calling to say H. told her he's watching the kids tomorrow and Thursday but she's free Wed. if I needed her help. Our dishwasher went out yesterday and I have a repair person coming on Wed. (one of those "between 8 and 2" type of deals) so I'm tempted to tell her Wednesday wouldn't work for us, but I don't want her to think I'm shutting her out. How should I act when I finally talk to her?

Thanks!

[Maybell]

Just thank her nicely for offering and say that while you're booked for Wednesday that you always welcome the help. You also could say something generous about the importance of her place in the girls' lives, no matter what happens. I know last summer when I was visiting my in-laws that one of their best friends was REALLY distressed at their son's impending (very nasty) divorce and their enormous anxiety that the XDIL was going to move the kids cross-country and they'd never get to see them again.

Your MIL is NOT a part of the trouble between you and your H, unless she makes herself part of it. Treat her with the same courtesy and respect you would any relative. Just like your husband, she'll probably be a significant part of your life for the next 20 years.

How's it going otherwise today?

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Hi Maybell. Thanks for stopping by. Things went a lot better today with D4. I took a long walk with the girls. It was a gorgeous fall day. We enjoyed the fresh air and D4 loved jumping into piles of leaves. (the ones that accumulated not already raked. )

It was nice putting D4 to bed tonight. I stayed ahead of the tantrums by keeping her occupied while I put D1 to bed, leaving me with time to just focus on D4, which I think she needs right now. We had a snack and made jokes together at the kitchen table then read a few stories and sang some songs. That time for her is really special and I need to make sure she has more one on one time with me. I got a referral for a children's therapist today also and I'm planning to check with her preschool to see if they have any ideas.

I called my MIL tonight and actually said it would be fine if she came on Wed. I stayed upbeat and kept the conversation about the kids and did not mention H. Knowing her the way I do, she might bring up the separation when she comes over, so that might be an opportunity to reassure her she will always be an important part of my daughters' lives no matter what.

Thanks again for reading.

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Ugh. Things don't always go as planned. Today H. was coming over to be with the girls while I left the house to go and get some work done at a local coffee shop (looking fabulous of course, and heading out the door like I was super busy and had a lot going on.).

Well, H. showed up alright but I was certainly not looking fabulous and neither was the house! I was planning on turning something in for work this morning, then cleaning up the house really quick, taking a shower and looking/feeling my most fabulous by the time H. arrived. He NEVER woke up before 8 a.m. (he works from home and makes his own schedule) when he was here, so I figured I had plenty of time!

Last night D1 woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep, then when I finally got her down again I couldn't go back to sleep. I ended up reading DR at 4 a.m., then I had to get up at 6 a.m. to get D4 on the preschool bus at 7. When I came in from the bus stop, I decided to lay down on the couch "just for a minute" and ended up passing out and waking up to a thump at the front door. It was H coming in to see me laying on the couch in my sweats and totally out of it because I was so tired. I couldn't BELIEVE he showed up so early! Suddenly I'm running to the bedroom trying to frantically put away my copy of DR sitting in the middle of the bed and recycle the bottle from the beer I had last night after the kids were asleep in an attempt to erase any possibility of the house looking like "Pining Over You Central" which it certainly is not!

I'm trying to make sure he sees me at my best, but today was not it. Oh well. I'm exhausted. I did read Sani's recent post about the mind of the WAS and she talked about him having to miss family time. We don't have a schedule in writing or anything. Friends have advised me not to make this a war and to just be laidback and relaxed, without stressing him having to be here at certain times and leave at certain times. We very loosely decided on Tues. Thurs. and Sat. as his days without set times. But is this cake eating? Thanks to whoever reads this!

[Maybell]

It is not cake eating. Why would it be?

You are not ready for him to move back so you need to spend a LOT of time taking care of you and your issues before you try to lure him back. So don't sweat looking fabulous. It is what it is.

What would he say are the issues in the marriage? Which ones do you agree with and why?

Don't keep dodging that question. It's the best starting place there is.

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A lot to update. So much confusion. Need to do a little journaling. Yesterday I felt like I was making progress. Today—not so much. I'll start with Thursday night. H is staying at his mom's, and he took the girls during the day on Thursday. I worked for most of the day (I do freelance work) at a local coffee shop then went grocery shopping and came home to H grabbing his things and heading out the door without saying much. Got the kids ready for bed, did two more hours of work, then sat down to binge watch my favorite show... and started crying. I couldn't stop. I've cried so much since H said he didn't love me anymore, but not like this. I tried going to bed. Still could not stop crying. After a while of not sleeping got up to check the kitchen clock. 2:30 a.m.! I had to be up by 6:30 to get D4 ready for preschool!! But I still couldn't sleep, so I had a bowl of cereal at 3 a.m., then finally fell asleep at 4, only to wake up to the alarm at 6:30.

But something happened when I woke up—eyes all puffy from crying all night. A voice in my head said "This is the worst thing that can ever happen to you. Nothing or no one else can hurt you like this." See, as I laid awake crying I was dreading Friday because I had a ton of deadlines, my sitter was out of town and I was completely on my own. Normally my first instinct would be to freak out and cry some more, call my H (he also works from home) and say I needed his help and make the whole situation worse, but instead I told myself that I could do this, that I've got this and I could make it work. Maybe it was also a little of what Maybell wrote to me recently, that I am a "woman who is able." It occurred to me that I didn't have to be afraid anymore of making my deadlines and not making a good impression professionally. I know I'm capable. I know I do a good job and I know that in the end, what's the worst that could happen? I have to call a client and let them know I'm running a little behind but they'll have what they need soon? I mean, my H left me! A client can't hurt me! Not sure if this attitude makes sense to anyone.

The girls and I ended up having a great day from start to finish, even with all the work I had to do. Here are some thoughts and things I did/have been doing to make life easier right now:

• The night before, while grocery shopping (before Cryfest 2014) I checked out the dollar area, which I normally avoid b/c I don't like to have a lot of junky, cheap toys/things around the house and it always seems like such a waste. Anyway, I didn't worry about that (a complete 180 for me) and picked up a couple of bags of toy dinosaurs and farm animals, silly putty and other fun stuff. I brought everything out when D4 came home from preschool (she gets home just before 11 a.m.) and the girls had a blast! I sat at my laptop working and kept looking over to see them excitedly lining up all the animals, laughing and playing together without fighting.

• I also picked up semi-healthy snacks and other foods that are easy to make and easily accessible, like drinkable yogurt so I can grab something quick during snack time that I know the kids will like that isn't too bad for them, but easier for me, rather than over thinking it and making some grand spread.

• D4 loves the "On top of spaghetti" song. So in honor of that, I made spaghetti and meatballs, salad and bread for dinner. The kids and I all sat at the table together for a formal meal (something I haven't been able to do since H left) and had a good time eating the spaghetti, listening to the song on the iPod and talking. My youngest is just a little over 18 months so it's still fun to watch her try to eat noodles!

• For some reason, and maybe it was the major cry I had, I felt SO CALM the whole day. I actually got MORE WORK done than I did even when H was here. It seemed like because I was calm, the kids were calm. Sure there were one or two meltdowns, but nothing I couldn't handle, and the children seemed so relaxed and willing to comply during mealtimes, bath time, bedtime, etc. I even had time to take breaks during work and get down on the floor several times and play with the girls, which they loved, and I did too. Usually if I have to do some work and don't have the sitter, I don't have time to play with them as much as I'd like, and I think they pick up on that, but yesterday everything was going so smoothly (I think because I was calmer) I was able to do a ton of work AND have plenty of playtime. Overall, it just was a fun day!

But it is very hard to see H. He came over this morning as the girls and I were listening to the radio and making cinnamon rolls. Just before he came in the door, D4 was crying because a song she liked ended (she's been throwing tantrums over the smallest things and I was told by the pediatrician it could be a sign of anxiety, so it's not something to discipline, or "crack down on" but to try to comfort, talk about and find out why she doesn't feel secure). So H walks into the house right at that moment and sees her crying, which escalates to her screaming "Go away, Daddy!" at the top of her lungs. H then yells to her that she's going to get a time out, then criticizes me for hugging her when she runs to my arms, saying I'm "rewarding" her behavior. I tried to tell H as covertly as I could with D being right there, what the pediatrician said and he said I was trying to make him feel guilty and that his opinions don't matter. That was not what I meant, ugh! But if you haven't seen your 4-year-old daughter in a couple of days and you walk in on her crying, wouldn't your first reaction be one of compassion and comfort, not punishment? It's as if he's on a different planet.

After D calmed down she was in her room playing and D1 was occupied, so I tried to explain where I was coming from and H said something along the lines as he always feels attacked and that the marriage was over, he just hasn't filed for "practical" reasons like finances. The girls and I are supposed to go to his brother's for Thanksgiving (they host every year). We were invited to another Thanksgiving with one of my close friends, but H said a couple of weeks back I was invited to his brother's but regardless of where I chose to go, he wanted the girls with him that day. I'm just going to go ahead and go to H's brother's with the girls and have fun.

This is just all so confusing. When is he just going to divorce me already?

Thanks for reading!

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Time to change the name of my thread to "not at all detached and definitely defeated." Came home this afternoon after H had the girls out all day. Thought he was staying the night b/c I have to be somewhere early tomorrow morning, but he got annoyed about my early morning meeting and then said he's not staying the night b/c he didn't like that I initiated a R talk last week when he stayed. What happened last week was I had a really bad stomach ache when H was over and he massaged my back, which helped immediately. After the kids were in bed I thanked him and he said "don't read too much into that" which of course caused me to start trying to have the talk. Turns out, I'm a terrible DBer!

Anyway, tonight when he was leaving I got very upset and asked why we couldn't just get to know each other again. He said I don't make him happy. I said we used to laugh and have fun all the time when we were dating. He said that was years ago. I said, "why don't we date again?" He said, "I don't want to date you!" At which point I am sorry to say I threw a huge tantrum at which point he looked at me and said "This is why I don't want to be with you. You're disgusting." He apologized later and said the tantrum-like behavior was disgusting, not me. I guess I don't belong here. I don't feel strong at all right now. I feel so alone. I have no one I can talk to and my H, who was once my best friend and understood everything and always supported me, wants nothing to do with me. My husband and the father of my children wants nothing to do with me. Wow. I've felt like a loser at times but never like this. The pain is unbearable. 2x4s please for my behavior. I don't think I'm cut out for DBing.

[Maybell]

We're all bad DBers in the beginning. It takes time and discipline to learn to execute. That's part of the reason these stories take such a long time to resolve.

I'm sorry to say this, but your marriage is over. You need to get your head around that fact. It may be that you get a second bite at the apple, but a lot is going to have to happen before that's even a remote possibility.

I've asked you a few times now and you only report back when something happens with your H. This time, you need to put yourself in his shoes and say, what about the marriage did he find unsatisfactory?

Take the focus off him and put it on yourself. That's the path you have to travel now.

[Bridge]

Hi Maybell.

Thanks. I realize my marriage is over. I've been meaning to respond with what my H's problems were with me in the M. Before I was married my job was a major part of my identity and I got laid off right after our wedding, then became really depressed. I complained a lot. I didn't like where we lived, so H bought a house in another town that ended up needing a ton of repairs we didn't anticipate and I know I complained about that. He was also very unhappy at his job, which was at the same company I got laid off from, and when the economy got really got bad they demoted him and gave him a huge pay cut. I realize now I should have been more supportive right at that moment, but all I could think about was helping him find a new job, with the intention of making him happy. He hated doing resumes so I helped him with resumes and cover letters and when I found a new job myself I got him an interview at the company I worked for, but again wasn't helpful or supportive as he was going through the interview process and instead spent more time "coaching" him before the interview. The job he was up for got eliminated, so he decided to stay at his old company and things got better and we had D4. A week before we had D4, he got a new job where he would work from home, which we both thought would be great, but I had postpartum depression that was totally unexpected and way worse than my depression after my job loss. I kept saying no to medication, thinking I could handle it on my own, but D4 didn't sleep (she didn't officially start sleeping through the night until 16 months!) and that was when the angry words started flying out of my mouth. I realize now I was totally sleep deprived and hormonal, but that also doesn't justify my behavior. I should have gotten help, as in, medication. I also had some health problems after the birth that required me to pump so that I could get some sleep while my husband bottle fed the baby. Honestly, I think he really wanted to hear more praise from me back then and thanks for taking care of our daughter, but I was so tired and angry. I appreciated everything he was doing, but I either didn't say it, or when I opened my mouth something terrible would come out. Basically my mouth and ridiculous outbursts when I'm angry were what drove my H to this point, and when I finally got on medication in August 2013 by then it was too late.

My H also has been having an EA with a co-worker who's also married with kids, so that hasn't helped. But the reality is my behavior drove my H away and because of me my daughters will come from a broken home. I take full responsibility for that.

[Maybell]

You have been getting ahead of yourself in every post. You're separated for now. No one knows what the future will hold.

If losing your temper constantly is his biggest complaint, and you acknowledge it's a valid one, then I think your course is clear. You've got to 180 your self-control. Try starting with how you post about him here. Rather than constantly judging him, set yourself the task of acknowledging that how he feels and the actions he's taking to rectify that are valid to him and assume the best of him. You have been painfully judgmental of him in your postings here.

What do you think? Up for the challenge?